The Wrong Side Of The Border

MOVED TO Tumblr

2011-05-02T03:57:00.003+10:00

THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BORDER HAS MOVED.

It is now on Tumblr.
Here you go:
http://thewrongsideoftheborder.tumblr.com/

Thank you.

TOTAL RECALL

2010-06-23T10:52:00.002+10:00

TOTAL RECALL. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100802/
What an amazing film. When was the last time you watched it?
Has it been a while?
Has that distant memory grown blurry and lost some focus after all those years of being locked away within the vaults of your damp, musty mind?
Wouldn't you like to feel like you watched it just this morning?
What if I told you I could have you bristling with the same excitement that you felt the very first time you saw a mutant with 3 tits get shot in the back by Michael Ironside.
Does that get you jacked up, folks?
Well then; why don't you strap yourself into a Rekall Inc. chair and allow me to pump your mind full of delicious, crisp and fresh new memories of that amazing cinematic gem.
Let's all hop into a Johnny Cab and drive round Mars once more...

- Kuato seems like an open minded guy.
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Anyway; you just know that having a greasy, psychic, baby-mutant with political aspirations growing out of your stomach has got to dictate what your options are regarding social activities...and this would undoubtedly include the bedroom.
THAT'S why I say he'd need to have an open mind.
Otherwise, the 2-bit mutant hookers he'd hire are gonna demand quite a bit of space-cocaine to be down with the sordid, Krang-flavoured fantasies YOU JUST KNOW he's gagging to try out.
And how does the whole 'stomach-man' ratio work out when he's kissing-and-telling to his fellow freaks?
Is Kuato the kind of guy who sleeps with a chick...and then brags to his mutant buddies that he wrangled himself a sweet threesome?
Do you think he'd play that loophole?
I say yes.
Maybe I'm being prematurely judgemental; but I just don't credit a sweaty, wheezing, chest-infant capable of reading minds and inciting riots with too much gentlemanly class when it comes to bedroom etiquette.
Do you?
If so; fine.
YOU sleep with him then.
But keep this in mind; when the main body is doing the task at hand; Kuato will probably be drooling into your navel.
Good luck scrubbing that mental image from your mind, ladies.

- The opening credits music and score sounds as if the scores from CONAN THE BARBARIAN and TERMINATOR 2 had heaving, muscled, technologically-advanced, time-travelling sex with each other...and somebody recorded those sounds and mixed them into a new score.
Whoa. I don't really need to say much more. That just sounds awesome already.

- Paul Verhoeven just flat-out rules. Class dismissed, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're not loving everything that Verhoeven brings to the screen then I have nothing but pocketfuls of pity for you. TOTAL RECALL, ROBOCOP, STARSHIP TROOPERS; all pure gold, says I.
He seems to have slowed down a bit lately though, and I'd welcome another one of his solid action pieces that has the spine to not water everything down while still managing to maintain a solid story.
High praise to this gent, y'all.

- One of the many great things about this film is that it deals with a fiction that will undoubtedly become a reality. We already live in a world where we can load massive amounts of data on to tiny little data sticks and so it is not that great a leap to imagine a world where some dick in your office could walk up to you after a blurry weekend and inform you that you have, in fact, been implanted with a new identity so that your true identity (an asshole, apparently) could have a wacky getaway in Vegas while he puts it all on the company tab and leaves you wondering why you're being questioned on Monday about missing hookers, property damage and damage to property belonging to missing hookers.
Never mess with a pimp who knows his way around legal matters, folks.
No good can come from that kind of person.
Oh, and what memory will they probably leave you with of your 'implanted weekend'? Probably some glamorous series of events involving you eating take-out, doing some laundry, masturbating alone while a playlist your ex-girlfriend made for you plays through one speaker...and then realizing that you got careless during your self-love and this warrants ANOTHER round of laundry.
Thanks a lot, Steve from Accounting. You're a cock.
One day I'll wipe your memory and implant a memory of me doing a catalogue of obscene acts with your fiancee.
On a loop.

- I absolutely LOVE the way the Sales Manager guy at Rekall Inc. puts his staff in line.
When Quaid freaks out, the lady technician is just responsibly informing her boss of the problem at hand.
And what is Mr. Manager's first response?
“Use your head, you dumb bitch!”
Awesome.
I love that professionalism and respect for co-workers.
This is the future I dream of, people.
They then proceed to wipe Quaid's memory and dump him in the street.
Obviously “The Customer Is Always Right” is no longer a phrase that has the retail industry in a choke hold any longer.
What a future. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
When I complain that my bacon isn't crispy enough on my BLT, I TOTALLY want to have my mind wiped, be dumped in an alley and then have my friends try to kill me.
That'll teach me to open my mouth about delicious bacon.
I love the future.

- I love this movie.
Just like my love for a fine woman (who also wants to watch TOTAL RECALL. Topless.); I really, really love this movie.
However; I freakin hate the cars. They're hideous. If there's one thing that really under cooks my bacon, it's pathetically designed cars in sci-fi flicks that are supposed to look 'futuristic'.
These vehicles are horrible.
They're down there with the pieces of crap seen in TIMECOP.
Go check them out. Seriously. I'll wait. They're laughable.
...In fact; I'm not gonna wait.
If you're the kind of person willing to go and watch TIMECOP then you've no business here.
Keep walking, guy.
I'm sure you can find a nice, safe blog about THE DARK KNIGHT that's written by a kitten.

- Okay, so remember when Quaid returns home after being jumped by the creepy Danny DeVito-wannabe and his pals? Remember how his wife is using a holographic tennis-coach program?
Yeah? Remember the tennis coach hologram? You with me?
WATCH IT AGAIN.
LOOK AT THE COACH.
Somebody with some kind of medical knowledge PLEASE tell me what fucking gender that creature is.
It's not a man.
It's not a woman.
It's like some bizarre, terrifying, tennis-playing mutant with a disturbing hairstyle and a comfortable forehand.
Tennis tips be damned. I want nothing that comes from that unholy genetic anomaly.
I have always fucking hated tennis.
Now I understand why.
Freaks like this must haunt Wimbledon like lost souls.

- Yuck. I need to cleanse that freaky residue from my mind.
Let's move on to Sharon Stone as Quaid's wife.
She looks amazing.
She's all sweaty while wearing that bangin' leotard and that's enough to make this movie at least worth pausing on as you late-night channel flip in search of flesh.
But then Stone decides to up the ante and get more blood-flowing by engaging in some high-kicking martial arts followed by a knife fight which eventually leads to her panting, sweating and pleading to be tied up for some kinky sex.
Amen.
When will more chicks learn that a knife fight DOES count as foreplay?
Have I mentioned I love the future?

- When Quaid realizes his bitch of a wife is setting him up, he acts all calm and says, “Clever girl” when he sees she's been stalling. Now, I would love it if the tech team at Rekall got bored one post-lunch Thursday and decided to load up Quaid's skull with some selected scenes from JURASSIC PARK.
So instead of Quaid barely escaping the room before Richter arrives...he's actually attacked by a coordinated pack of velociraptors.
If only Muldoon was around to...well, also get killed, basically.
Too bad. He wore a memorable hat.
Actually, that's a new style of cinema that I'd TOTALLY be into.
Let us see the dawn of Movie Mash-Ups, people. You heard it here first.
Imagine if they used some advanced CGI to release a new cut of PREDATOR where all of Dutch's team is efficiently killed off...by Sully from COMMANDO.
Or if they released an updated version of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION where Andy finally escapes, then Red meets up with him again in Zihuatanejo...accompanied by Sully from COMMANDO.
What a golden era of cinema that would be, people.

- Okay, have you all got TOTAL RECALL loaded in your players?
Excellent. Watch it again and pay close attention.
Just after Quaid smashes through the security X-Ray wall, he rushes down a flight of stairs and bumps into a guy at the bottom wearing a yellow shirt and green vest.
TURN THE VOLUME WAY UP, people.
This poor guy does the BEST yell ever as Arnold's bulky frame slams into him.
The impact causes this gentlemen to unleash a remarkable noise that sounds like his ribs broke, he's angry AND he's vomitting.
At the same time.
I wish that sound was my ringtone.

- The brutality in this film is amazing. Now I'm not some savage who just ADORES violence and giggles and applauds during moments of on-screen butchery.
However; I do believe that it is one of the colours available to an artist and in order to achieve certain story goals, one must never handcuff ones self and shy away from violence.
People fall in love in real life.
People get killed in real life.
Plain as black and white.
Why should one get easier cinematic treatment just because it's more digestable in reality?
If someone gets killed; I don't want it sugar-coated and watered-down. Because I know that if I saw that happen in real life...nobody is going to censor it for me. It's GOING to be traumatic. Case closed.
Hmmm, getting a little heavy here. Okay. Let's move onward.
My main thrust of this topic is that, as I mentioned earlier; I love that Verhoeven has balls, basically. The human shield scene, the nose breaking, the arm ripping, the henchman stepping on a freshly fallen corpse; it all adds up and lends the film a shocking and unforgiving flavour that pins you to the seat and makes you say, “Holy shit. That guy just got his arms ripped off.”
Tell me honestly; when was the last time you said “Holy shit. That guy just got his arms ripped off.” while watching a current film at the cinema?
Doesn't happen.
Because 90% of action films these days have been neutered to the point where they're basically just a sequence of explosions filmed like a shitty R&B music video.
Now, I should bring this all out of the shadows and sprinkle a bit of levity around the place.
You want a good time? Listen to the audio commentary and marvel as Arnold laughs his ass off while all of this violence takes place.
What a thigh-slapper.
I love Schwarzenegger.
Now, I'm not mocking here. Just listen to the what the guy says all through his career. He understands that violence is merely an ingredient that one uses in order to cook a certain cinematic recipe.
If it's necessary and you leave it out just to please the masses...then your dish is going to fail.

- They mention The Galleria again.
So that's COMMANDO, TERMINATOR 2 and now this.
Hmmmm.
If I find it mentioned in something like CONAN I'm gonna see my therapist.

- This film has some pretty out-there concepts.
Cyborg cab-drivers? Fine.
Explosive-headed decoy lady-masks? Fair enough.
Michael Ironside hooking up with Sharon Stone? I can dig it.
But the only thing that I DO NOT buy...is the completely perfect, form-fitting Towel Helmet ™ that Quaid whips up in the bathroom in order to muffle his tracking signal.
Seriously. Look at it closely.
It's perfect.
Perfectly bullshit.
I hear in Japan that he's wearing the helmet on the TOTAL RECALL poster and the movie is actually called TOWEL ROBOT MYSTERY!
(Don't fact-check that. Just trust me.)

- Johnny Cabs.
What terrifying chauffeurs of doom they are.
Is it a malfunction, or is it the cab company's standard operating procedure against fare-evasion to murder passengers via vehicular manslaughter and fiery explosions?
The future is harsh, yo.
The best thing about it all is that Arnold agrees with me. During the commentary he comments on the exact same thing and then cracks up with laughter. What a legend.
I wish Schwarzenegger would adopt me. Oh, the laughs we'd have...

- The hologram watch-decoy thing that Quaid uses to annihilate a squad of soldiers is pure awesome. An excellent concept that is employed very well in the narrative and the effects stand up well even by today's standards. (Just like the whole film, basically)
Personally though; I would've liked it if he could customize the hologram image.
Cause I always wanted him to project that terrifying, gender-nightmare, tennis freak in front of the troops and watch them howl in fright before turning their guns on themselves in order to escape this horror into the blissfully safe embrace of death.
I seriously hate that tennis coach.

- Do you remember the bug-removal sequence being good? Yeah, that was back then. Watch it now...and it's STILL FREAKING AMAZING.
Rob Bottin is a god. Game over.
My buddy Vince and I used to always sit there watching THE THING http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084787/ back in high school and we'd actually TRY to spot flaws in his FX work.
There are none.
The man is an absolute wizard and he displays his magic here just as well as he did on THE THING. I cannot praise him enough.

- “Get your ass to Mars.” is such an amazingly versatile quote.
I use it often in my day-to-day life and it ALWAYS fits perfectly, regardless of situation.
If I ever get married, I want my bride to say that to me instead of “I do.”
Using the accent.

- The tracking locator thingy that Richter's henchman buddy has is crap.
You remember the guy? He looks like a high-school science teacher crossed with a pedophile.
Anyway; take a close look at his tracking device and also the screen display.
It's a piece of shit. It looks like a Wii game.
If someone handed it to you; you'd tell them to eat your ass.
I hear that they originally wanted Richter to carry it, but Michael Ironside is so hardcore that he just stared them down and told them to give it to the guy who looks like a pervert.
The locator device was never mentioned to Ironside again.

- There's a pretty big plot jump just before Quaid arrives in the Explosion Lady disguise.
I understand, and agree, that it should be a surprise reveal...but they never even solidly foreshadow it. You can briefly see some stuff in the briefcase he receives but it's TOTALLY underplayed. I've always felt that there was maybe a deleted scene where Quaid at least feels the fabric or examines the dress (without revealing it is a dress).
I'm not complaining; I just always felt like it was a pretty large leap in the narrative.
It's still an awesome reveal, though.
Imagine if you were on a date and totally making out with a chick just before she starts babbling about “2 weeks” and then her heads snaps open to reveal a large angry man.
That'd ruin your week, I'm guessing.
Would you agree to see her/him again if he wore the 'she' mask?
Dating is tricky, folks. I'm here to help.

- Benny; the traitorous mutant cab-driver, totally laughs like the laughs heard in 'The Message' by Grandmaster Flash.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4o8TeqKhgY&feature=PlayList&p=4D3CC987B375F879&playnext_from=PL&index=0&playnext=1
Awesome.

- Maybe you weren't counting last time; but Quaid's wife hits him in the nuts 3 times.
Too far, honey.
He eventually gets a sweet refund when he quips “Consider that a divorce.” after shooting her in the head.
That's all good and well, Quaid, but we also feel that you would've been justified in simply saying “You hit me in the nuts 3 times.”
BANG!

That's that for now.
It was a nice trip down memory lane.
After that mental vacation together, I feel that I've grown closer to you all.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
It has always been a fantasy of mine to get a lap dance from a beautiful woman while I sit in one of those awesome, hi-tech, memory chairs from Rekall Inc.

Gentlemen of the jury; raise your hands. You agree.
You all KNOW that's an awesome dream.

If only we could implant it.
Sigh.

Bah. Screw it.
I'm gonna go build my own Rekall chair...

SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS II: Game Concepts

2010-06-07T10:47:00.003+10:00

SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnPRiX0fe8A is one of the best games ever made.

Hell, it's one of the best experiences I've ever had, regardless of media.
Anyway, my buddy Dean and I were standing around in a carpark one day and the wind started to blow and whisper of an impending storm.
As the clouds gathered and darkness fell, we started to discuss how much we wanted a Colossus to just wander along at that exact moment.
Unfortunately, one did not.
Because reality sucks, children. Learn that lesson.

Therefore, we began to share our feelings regarding our collective love for this beautiful game.
What you will find below is a collection of ideas and concepts about a sequel to SHADOW OF THE COLOSSUS that we both, plus many others, desperately want.

These ideas were started by Dean Blackley and I...and then I got a bit carried away and couldn't stop.

Enjoy and dream of what could be.
...................

2 PLAYER CO-OP
- Play the game alone or with a friend.
- Branching storyline allows for separate adventures to be had by both players that separate/rejoin at key points during the narrative. Each player will depend on the other.
For example; one of Player 1's solo quests will finish at a point that will arise at the end, or midway, between one of Player 2's solo quests. At this 'intersection', the co-op mode will kick in and the players will be reunited until the next time the adventure calls for the players to split up.

THE 'MONKEY-GRIP' TECHNIQUE
- If your friend falls while climbing (and you are within reach) you can reach out and grab each other's wrists. One player must initiate the GRAB for the fallen and, once grabbed, both players must BUTTON PRESS in order to maintain the grip and pull the fallen back up. This is very useful when the higher climber falls past the lower climber.
- The monkey-grip can also be used on horseback when quickly galloping past the standing friend. The players correctly time the grip so that the mounted player swiftly pulls the other up into the saddle behind them, without breaking stride or losing speed.

GRAPPLING HOOKS + ROPES etc
- Grappling hooks and ropes can be used to help with climbing or even to set traps and trip-wires for the Colossi.
- Ropes can be thrown from player to player. One must initiate the THROW and the other must time it to succesfully make the CATCH. Imagine hanging on to the shoulder of a massive quadripedal Colossus with your friend hanging on the other shoulder. You must make the Colossus go where you need it to, therefore; you throw a rope under the head to your friend and he catches it so that a makeshift 'bridle' can be made to guide the Colossus.

HELPFUL/ALLIED COLOSSUS
- One of the Colossi (once 'defeated') will become your ally. It will help you in various ways, such as:
- Helping to reach extremely high points that are unable to be climbed to.
- Breaking through barriers to open up new routes and areas.
- Walking under (dangerous) water while you (and horse) stand upon the Colossus' raised hand above the surface, like a ferry.
- Targeting, then throwing the player to great heights in order to reach a high-flying Colossus.

TERRITORIAL COLOSSI DISTRACTIONS
- You will encounter Colossi that cannot be approached. They must be distracted first...
- You must lead one Colossus to another. These fiercely territorial Colossi will then engage each other in combat.
- Using this distraction, you will now be able to find a way to climb the previously unapproachable Colossus and take it down...while it is fighting another Colossus.

FLOWING QUEST STRUCTURE
- The tracking of the Colossi is planned in a way that allows your quest to progress naturally through the environment as you travel all throughout this vast land.
- One Colossus will always lead to a clue or the direction of the next...

ACROBATICS AND PARKOUR
- Various acrobatic flips and tricks and the use of parkour will help you navigate your way over, under, around, and through obstacles when you are chasing, or being chased by, various Colossi.
- One such Colossus dwells within a maze of ancient ruins. You must lure it after you (even with co-op assistance) and use parkour to outrun and outmanouevre it.
- These ruins are at the dark heart of a mountain; therefore you must tempt the Colossus out of hiding...as it's Weak Point Symbols are only revealed in sunlight.
- After the ruins, you must flee upward through a massive shaft in the mountain towards the cave mouth near the top, with the Colossus still in pursuit.
- Your friend will be waiting up on the mountain by the cave mouth so that; once you emerge with the Colossus following, they can leap upon the Colossus and attack the sun-exposed weak points while the Colossus chases you down the mountainside; crashing through ruins and structures that you must navigate once more using parkour.

THE MOUNTAIN COLOSSUS
- This Colossus is climbing around on the side of a massive mountain face.
- You must climb down from an opposing cliff-face and then use rope to swing across the huge gap and reach the Colossus; taking care not to let the high-altitude winds blow you down from the rope and send you to your death on the rocks in the ocean far below.
- As you hold on and climb the Colossus while it climbs higher and higher; you have to watch out for avalanches that it can cause and hide beneath sections of it's armour during them so you're are not swept off.

THE CANYONS AND THE HANG-GLIDER
- A very fast running Colossus gallops along and then enters a system of canyons.
- You must give chase on horseback along the canyon edge so that you can leap from the horse and drop onto the Colossus in the canyon. You then use your rope to gain control and 'steer' the Colossus through the canyons towards a mountain that your friend has climbed.
- As the player on the mountain sees the other approaching in the distance with the Colossus, they take flight using an old repaired hang-glider. As the Colossus passes by the mountain, the player swoops down with the glider so that the players can reunite upon the galloping Colossus' back and are able to take it down together.

THE WATERFALL COLOSSUS
- This massive Colossus is hidden behind a great waterfall.However; as you proceed to climb and the Colossus starts to move, it is revealed that the waterfall is actually a part of the Colossus.
- You must be careful of the falling water from the Colossus and also move behind some of the waterfalls on it's body so that you can 'enter' the Colossus and find a different route upward when the water blocks you.

WEATHER AND FIRE
- You will be forced to adapt to different conditions when the weather changes. Rain and snow will fall. Storms will rage. Winds will blow. And day will turn to night.
- Fire can also be used when the situation calls for it.
- One Colossus that dwells in the snow will have to have some of his armour melted by fire before climbing is an option. These must be set from afar via flaming arrows, but also up-close; for in order to maintain the thaw, you must light fires UPON the Colossus as you climb it.

THE STORM AND THE TREES
- During a fierce storm with pouring rain, you must make your way through the treetops of a massive forest; using a system of catwalks, suspension bridges and lookout towers high-up in the canopy.
- After locating the Colossus, you must begin to set fires in the canopy; this will get his attention and anger the Colossus, as he acts as a guardian for the forest and will proceed to follow after you and the fires in order to extinguish them.
- The storm will eventually snuff the flames out, so you must make sure to keep lighting fires as you flee, so that the Colossus continues to focus on you and follow as he lumbers through the forest and looms above you, drawing closer...
- The Colossus cannot be harmed while in the forest and there are no handholds on his legs which are below the canopy. You must lure it out of the trees so that your friend can spring a rope trap and trip it as it enters a river clearing. While it is down, you can begin your climb as it stands back up...

THE VOLCANIC COLOSSUS
- There is one Colossus who dwells within an active volcano. Magma courses through channels upon it's body surface; therefore, you must lure it out of it's lair and into a lake so that it's lava cools off, hardens, and allows you to climb it. You must be quick and use caution, though, for the Colossus will be returning to the lair, and it's lava will start to heat up and flow again as it nears the volcano...

THE UNDERWATER TURTLE COLOSSUS
- This Colossus is sort of like a giant turtle and as you begin your climb; it submerges and you are pulled deep underwater with it.
- As you make your way around it's body, you must seek out air-pockets in it's armour so that you can rest and regain your breath; for it remains underwater until you strike the first weak point symbol which causes it to breach the surface and then re-submerge.
- This is a very long Colossus battle and 99% of the encounter is spent deep underwater.

UNCOVERING THE TRUTH
- The entire quest serves almost as a massive archaeological excavation. Because after each Colossus is defeated, a clue or a piece of the MASSIVE final Colossus is revealed. For it lies dormant and buried beneath the vast mountains and landscape that you have spent all this time travelling around during your journey.
.........................

Well, that's about it.
Does anybody have Fumito Ueda or Team ICO's email address?
I'm tired of just playing this game in my mind.

PREDATORS: Early Thoughts

2010-06-06T11:17:00.004+10:00

Well, the glowing trail of green alien blood is leading us ever closer to PREDATORS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1424381/ , so I feel that it's about time to cover myself in mud, set some booby traps and compile a meaty list of YAYs and NAYs regarding the newest installment of Predator versus prey.
Now, I am a HARDCORE fan of PREDATOR. I love it to death. I watched it yet again last night while eating cupcakes. (Hey, don't judge. I have life drama and it centred me. True story.)
The title of my blog should make that fact obvious enough. The first film is just pure, solid gold viewing and the sequel is a more than worthy follow-up. Drastic changes were made; yes, but the flavour was still there and it can confidently stand on its own.
The less said about anything after that, the better. I hate the AvP films, and I hope that PREDATORS is nothing like those abominations.

Stick around...

GOOD:
http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/predators/international-trailer
Solid trailer. I'm loving the multiple tri-targets on Brody. Shivers, y'all.

- Rodriguez. Ahhhh, Robert Rodriguez. Love the man and he's one of my heroes. I have been gagging for a new Predator for film for YEARS and many moons ago; when I heard that Rodriguez had kicked around a Predator script that was set in olden times on a Spanish galleon and so forth, I nearly cried with happiness. But that's actually the ONLY thing I liked about the script. (I wanted it to be ALL in that setting.) So now we get this film which feels similar to that original script...and while that makes me apprehensive, I'm trying to stay positive because at least Rodriguez is still involved and I have faith.
I just hope that there are not many things from the original screenplay. Cause there was some BAD stuff in there, yo. Seriously cheesy crap, such as hover-bikes and a puerile tone, in general.
Let us all pray that time and rewrites have washed them away and even though he's not writing, he's still producing and will have fingers within the pie, so to speak.
That pie better be baked DAMN well.

- Topher Grace is in this. Hell yes. Some may knock the guy, but I believe that this is VERY inspired casting and writing. A nice and pleasant-looking young doctor amongst an elite group of perfect warriors/killers? This has awesome potential. Especially if you do some hunting online about his character. I'm not going to spoil anything but I cannot wait. Plus, that recently revealed “I can be invisible too.” line, pretty much got me giggling with excitement.

- I'm really looking forward to the team dynamic that these characters are going to have. Teamwork was portrayed SO well in PREDATOR amongst an efficient group of soldiers and it's going to be a nice change of pace to flip that vibe and show use a group of individuals who, while they have a few things in common; have SOOO many differences. Bring on the conflict.

- Apparently the Yakuza character has a sword fight against a Predator. Yeah. I could really just have listed this multiple times in the GOOD column. Awesome.

- Adrien Brody versus some Predators. Yes please. I love Brody.
However, some mooks have been bitching about his physique. C'mon, he looks about the same build, probably bigger, than Ramirez and Hawkins in PREDATOR and if that was good enough to be on Dutch's team, then shut your hole.

- I'm loving that the studio is moving this stand-alone franchise forward instead of deciding to cripple such an amazing property with more half-assed, cash-in AvP flicks.
Hopefully, if this does well and they realize that people just want GOOD Predator viewing, I'll finally get the chance to write and sell one of my dream projects; a PREDATOR prequel about Jim Hopper's doomed mission. :D
Sound awesome? Yeah, it would be, yo.
That film in my head keeps me awake nights, people.

- Sniper chick. Yes please. This could get very tasty. Should be a fresh situation too, because I cannot recall ever seeing how a Predator fares against a sniper.
Although I have always thought it strange that Dutch's crew didn't include a long-range man. Granted - they're a rescue team, not assassins - but still, that kind of distance-coverage would be useful, no?

- This film plays The Trejo Card. (Don't credit me for that term. I heard it online years ago and I love it so I'm trying to spread the goodness)
Case closed.
I even would've accepted this film if they called it TREJO vs PREDATOR. But, I guess that would be unfair.
For the Predators.
The Predators would be all, “Click-click-clickity-click” (Translation: “That Mexican is scary.”), then you'd just have a brutal 90 minute action sequence where Trejo butchers the Predators to the brink of extinction.
Using ONLY HIS MOUSTACHE.
Seriously though, y'all; this and MACHETE http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/machete/cinco-de-mayo-trailer in the same year? It's a good time to be a Danny Trejo enthusiast.

BAD:
- What the hell is with Fat Morpheus? I'm a Lawrence Fishburne fan, but holy shit. What, has he been hunting Predators and then EATING them?
He just looks unhealthy, yo.
Download a jogging program, man.

- No Alan Silvestri. Unacceptable. This is a pretty big thorn in my side, y'all. Silvestri's PREDATOR score is one of my all time favourites.

- “Fear Is Reborn”? What's that nonsense? Crap tagline and lazy poster. Pick up your game, people.

- Mega uber-long wristblades. Sigh. Okay, maybe they're in there so that you can have the sword fight scene, but they still look goofy and awkward. No sale.

- Predator hounds. I'll say it again, Predator...hounds. Surely I'm not the only one who thinks that sounds cheesy and tacked-on. Yes, I understand that many hunters use hunting dogs...but these are freakin' Predators. It takes away some of their potency and threat level if you show that they choose to use these 'assistants'.
I've always been built like this, though. As a writer, I've always felt that some characters just work best with a shroud of mystery. One of the reasons Predators are so badass is because the 2 films hardly tell us anything about them. Keep it that way. I don't want to meet their puppies, their wife or find out what kind of car they drive. They're awesome alien hunters who work like lone wolves or in a pack. That's all I wanna know.

- Nimrod Antal as director? Hmmmm, I don't know. Maybe some damn fool accused him of being the best.
If so, then I look forward to seeing him prove himself. Once again, this is resting all upon my faith within Rodriguez. Nimrod must have been given the wheel for some reason, so I'll hold my tongue. Problem is, I haven't seen any evidence of that 'reason' in his previous work.

- No Predators have looked as cool as the ones in the first and second. I'm not sure what they're doing wrong in the design stages, but the first 2 looked amazing...and every time I've seen them after that, it has looked like they have giant bobble-heads and they should be sitting on your dashboard. Hrmm.

- No Arnie cameo, as far as I know.
Boo and hiss. He made time for THE EXPENDABLES http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/the-expendables/trailer-b , so where's the love for Dutch, huh?
Should've promised him more cigars.
Or maybe another lighter.
If it was me; I would've just cooked up a story and dropped him into the set like a meat grinder.
Carl Weathers would've given his right arm for a cameo.
After all, he has 3 of them.
Zing.

- Humans again? Okay. But JUST humans again? Stretching it a bit aren't we? I refuse to believe that, in the ENTIRE GALAXY, humans are the best prey. Surely there's some other aliens out there who are just as worthy, if not better, prey. Perhaps they'll address this, perhaps not.
I just know that this was (kind of) touched upon in the original Rodriguez script and I'd definitely give it some attention if I ever worked on the franchise.
Because, fair enough; I can buy that humans may be a very formidable opponent, but there's gotta be some other badass alien out there who could also whip some ass and give the Predators some solid challenge.
Let's get a taste of that, yeah?

Perhaps they could discover a planet inhabited entirely by Danny Trejos?
See, that's just amazing even in theory.
I knew Rodriguez should've made PLANET TREJO instead of PLANET TERROR.

STREET FIGHTER: Beginnings End

2010-05-05T11:23:00.004+10:00

Okay.
I'm impressed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K-F4eCDyUU

Sure, the Ken wig is a bit distracting...but there is so much RIGHT about this film, that it easily overpowers one tiny cosmetic wrong.
The potential within this film and the accuracy is worthy of nothing but the highest praise.
I salute those involved and I wish that Hollywood would watch this and take notes.
These guys managed to get closer to an accurate Street Fighter vibe than Hollywood has managed to do with 2 feature films and massive budgets.
Pathetic.

Once again, I'm impressed.
Somebody PLEASE notice this work.

THE ABSENCE AND THE OSCARS

2010-04-02T11:05:00.003+10:00

Greetings to you all...if there are any of you left standing...or reading, as would more accurately be the case perhaps.
First things first; please forgive my absence and unacceptable lack of updates.
You hunger for film-flavoured chunks of tasty blog posts like ravenous lizard-man slaves chained to the throne of some sadistic, scantily-clad nymphomaniacal queen sorceress...and I have not delivered.
Shame on me.
I have thrown no meaty slabs of prose before you so that you may feast upon my words and grow plump with cinema knowledge and insight.

This will not do.
Allow me to set things right.
Sink your fangs into this and suck deeply until you black out and fall unconscious upon a mountain of soft, velvety pillows surrounded by numerous eager slave-girls with soft, velvety...well, y'know...
Enjoy...

MY ABSENCE:

I moved.
Just like Skeletor who curses at He-Man and his cohorts daily because he covets Castle Greyskull, I too had problems regarding real-estate. I needed my own Castle Greyskull, if you will.
Hell, I would've even settled for a Snake Mountain.
Anyway, after searching high, low, high again and then giving low a second look, I finally found my new home with the help of my clan.
And yes, just like my hero, Skeletor; on my first evening within my new stronghold, I stood at the fortified gates (read: screen-door) and cackled insanely while declaring to all within earshot that I would now rule this dominion with a mighty fist.
A dog barking was the only response.
But trust me...that puppy sounded fucking scared, y'all.

After the move I was then forced to wait for about a month while my new Internet connection was being connected. That's all I shall say upon that matter, for the subject caused me considerable grief and set me back quite a few steps on the path towards sound mental health.
I will, however, take a moment to thank my brother kinsman who assisted me during this gruelling trial.
Some may say I'm overreacting, but c'mon. One can only go for so long without porn and various other websites...which, in turn, provide links to yet more porn.
Think of our ancestors. They had to hunt for food with clubs and spears, fight off wild animals, live in caves, tumble with dames that didn't wax...but at least THEY still had sweet ADSL hookups and swift, ready access to titty-sites.

I mean, I'm not a savage.
That month offline was brutal.

THE OSCARS:
Ugh. What a joke. Okay, I'm not even going to TRY to put on a T-shirt that says that 'I'm shocked', but by the gods, was it a crap affair.
In regard to actual cinema/movie/film-industry value, it has been absolute nonsense and a mere carnival of lies and general crap for years now (The 'magic' died for me the year Julia Roberts beat Ellen Burstyn), but there was always the zing and Hollywood-style flair and excitement of seeing your favourite stars and artists gathering together under one roof to take part in an impressive event that, regardless of inaccuracies, still possessed an overall scent of that wonderful 'movie magic'.

Well, this year the magic wasn't just absent; it felt like it had never even been there.
The entire evening felt tacky, forced and actually, quite low budget. Unacceptable.
But hey, at least I had the awards to look forward to, right?
WRONG! *John Matrix's gunshot*
What a perfect arrangement of absolute rubbish. Let's pick through it like vagrants, shall we?

GOOD:

Best Supporting Actor = Christoph Waltz
This was one of the few things that made me happy. His performance in INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/ was beyond impressive. High praise to the man and congrats.

BAD:

Original Screenplay = THE HURT LOCKER http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0887912/
Sigh. I loved THE HURT LOCKER...but BASTERDS was a better screenplay. Simple as that. More effort and creativity went into one Act of Tarantino's script than within LOCKER'S entire page-count.

Best Picture = THE HURT LOCKER
Best Director = Kathryn Bigelow
HURT LOCKER, fair enough...but Cameron deserved Best Director y'all. No question.
As I said before, THE HURT LOCKER was an excellent film...but c'mon, there are plenty of war films just as good, if not better. Will I purchase THE HURT LOCKER when it's on disc? Of course. Will it replace FULL METAL JACKET http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/ as my favourite war movie? Sir, hell no, sir.
Now AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ and Cameron are a whole different story. They were robbed, basically. Yes, Kathryn Bigelow probably did an amazing job directing again (as she's been doing for years) but at the end of the day, she served up just another war film. A superb war film; but STILL just another war film.
Cameron, on the other hand, reinvented the god-damned wheel. Nay, scratch that. Cameron showed up and said, “That wheel sucks. Remove it. Now I'm going to build my own device to replace said wheel and as a result, this vehicle will now run smoother and more efficiently than any vehicles that have preceded it. ...Oh, and I'm going to overhaul the engine, spruce up the paint job and also throw in enough cup-holders to make you say, 'Holy shit. Look at all the cup-holders.'”
Long story short; the guy had his fingers in MANY pies. ...Which he also baked.
He went FAR beyond the call of duty, so to speak; achieving more in one film than most directors achieve in their entire careers.
Throw the guy some kudos, huh? A gold statue perhaps?
Cameron led an ENTIRE army into battle using new techniques and came out not only victorious but so inspiring that other directors now wish to follow in his footsteps and utilise these fresh innovations that he has pioneered.
“Best Director” would have been an understatement, had he won.
But hey; maybe that's just my opinion.

After all, Kathryn Bigelow did give us a quality film...and oh yeah, I think she's also a woman, apparently. The media kept mentioning that, so it must be important. I dunno.
Gotta keep it all fair, right Academy?

I guess I'll continue to sit all alone and naively think that the Oscars are based on actual merit, not gender, politics or whatever other bullshit is in the Top 10 that year.

(Let it be known right here and now that I'm a BIG fan of Kathryn Bigelow; NEAR DARK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093605/ and POINT BREAK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102685/ are badass. It is not her fault that this garbage surrounded her Oscar experience. High praise to her, regardless.)

Original Score = UP http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/
UP beat SHERLOCK HOLMES? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/ I do not think so. Utter nonsense. Hans Zimmer's HOLMES score was mind-blowing. As soon as the film finished, I bought the score as soon as possible.
I don't even remember a single note of the music in UP...which surprised me considering it was done by Michael Giacchino, who composes the amazing music on LOST. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0411008/
Strange.

Best Animated Film = UP
UP beat CORALINE? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327597/ Eat shit. I'm getting angry now.
I enjoyed UP and was like, “Wow, what pretty colours!” and I loved the opening and so forth, but it's a very noticeable step backward after the utter brilliance of WALL-E http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/ , which was pure genius. UP felt like it was part of the dark, pre-Pixar days when every animated film needed a crap song sung by a 'cute' animal sidekick voiced by a comedic minority.
Such a song thankfully never came, but that still didn't make me love the film like 99% of the planet apparently does. I didn't hate the film, it just didn't even come CLOSE to how much WALL-E (and previous Pixar films) moved me.
Now, CORALINE was the best animated film and one of the best films I've ever seen. Some may love stop-mo animation and some may not, but I find the animation method to be completely irrelevant when the story and performances are this good. I was INSIDE this film. It gripped me like the skeletal fingers of an evil old-woman who kidnaps children and sews buttons on their eyes.
Utter brilliance.

I'll wrap up now with some quick points in regard to the BAFFLING omissions from the nominations:

- No Sam Rockwell nomination for MOON? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1182345/ I just do not understand. My mind works on a system of logic and this just does not process properly. Go and watch his performance in MOON and TRY to even begin to tell me that he doesn't deserve a nomination, at the very least. (You won't get far. I'll walk away as soon as I smell your anti-Rockwell musk. It's a skill. Like rats sensing disease in potential mates.)

- No Sharlto Copley nomination for DISTRICT 9? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/ Firstly, I must say that I think D9 is flat-out bulletproof. Loved every frame. It is just a shame that it was going up against the blue juggernaut that is AVATAR. On any other day, D9 deserved to win EVERYTHING it's nominated for, and then some. That being said; Sharlto Copley's completely improvised performance that knocked it completely out of the park, should have taken home some gold.

- No Zoe Saldana nomination for AVATAR? Pathetic. Open your eyes, Academy. It's still a legitimate performance, you rubes. They just paint over it. Wake up and realise that motion-capture performances are valid acting gigs because, HELLO!? They CAPTURE the MOTION/PERFORMANCE! Can't capture anything if there's no actor there performing, yo.
A foolish oversight, amongst many, that will hopefully be remedied in the future.

Oh and yes, I do realise that this post is a bit late, but I've been busy and I wrote most of this stuff while I was still offline.
Savvy?

SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)

2010-01-04T17:34:00.004+10:00

I first witnessed the work of Guy Ritchie many years ago.

The time; circa Schoolies Week: 1998 and my buddies and I wandered in off the streets to catch a snappy-looking British gangsta' flick with the remarkably wonderful title of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120735/ .
I loved every second. It was fresh, crisp with a kinetic visual flair and some of the most quotable, insta-classic dialogue I had heard in years. (To this day, my buddy Vince and I still quote gems like “It's a deal. It's a steal...” and so on)
From that day on, I knew that I liked what this Ritchie cat was serving up on the screen and I hungered for more.

Time passed and he finally released his next effort; ...(the EXTREMELY overrated) SNATCH http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208092/ .
A snappy-looking British gangsta' flick.
Fair enough. Hmmm...

It was enjoyable enough, I suppose.
Brad Pitt delivered one of the most memorable characters of his career, the film still looked great and the dialogue was above-average in regard to quotables.
However; it didn't have the lasting aftertaste that LOCK, STOCK... contained.
Or rather; it DID have an aftertaste...but one that was less pleasant and unlikely to make one return for repeated viewings. (At least not without having the enjoyment level of each viewing progressively decrease at a steady rate.)
NOTE: I shall add here that I seem to be alone in this position.
Within the social circles that I travel and from working in a video-store for some time, I have first-hand knowledge that most folk hold the film in MUCH higher regard than I. The average Joe seems to absolutely adore SNATCH, so much to the point where they foolishly place it above LOCK, STOCK... on the cinematic food chain.
Foolish.
To each their own and all that, but if you bring that shit to my front door; I'll slam it in your face and pour boiling oil upon you from the parapets. (That's right. In this hypothetical situation, I've decided it's best that I live in some castle-like fortress from which I hurl cinema-flavoured rhetoric upon the unwashed peons below. ...It also has a water slide.)

Moving on; I shan't dally much longer with Ritchie's past work for it can all be summed up in tidy, little point-form pattern.
Observe:

SWEPT AWAY http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0291502/ : Most people who witnessed this ordeal took their own lives. Beach romance starring his then-wife, Madonna. Ritchie later escaped from the firm grasp of her wiry, chicken-claw hands when he presumably discovered that she is, in fact, an exhumed corpse reanimated and sustained by dark sorcery.
Ray Of Light is an amazing album, though. Seriously.
Studios wanted Ritchie to include an animated British gangsta' crab for comic relief, some say.
(NOTE: I may be, and probably am, lying)

REVOLVER http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365686/ : Apparently, this film divided the global population into 2 groups.
1. Those who did not see it
2. Those who saw it and wished they were in Group 1
As usual, I stand alone; for I have not watched it yet. I haven't been avoiding it, though. Quite the opposite. The film intrigues me (despite being about crime and gangstas again) and it has only been given a local release on DVD recently...after 5 years. Sigh.

ROCKnROLLA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1032755/ : Wow. Another criminal-based, snappy-looking gangsta' flick set in Britain. Way to break that mould, Master Ritchie.
No harm – no foul, though. It's a pretty enjoyable film and Toby Kebbell's awesome performance is the main attraction, in my opinion. The guy is solid gold and definitely one to watch., yo.

So there you have it.
See the pattern?
Yes? Swell.
Now, back in the day when SNATCH was beginning to grow stale on my shelf; I pondered about a wonderful alternate reality in which Guy Ritchie ventured out into some greener pastures filled with fresh grass and more fertile soil.
Standing around in the cinema, I would say to anybody within earshot, “I love Guy Ritchie, but I'm tired of the same old crime/gangsta routine. Someone give this guy a comic-book movie or a period piece or something. Please.”

(At this point most folk would just either nod quietly, walk away or walk away and go watch SNATCH again.)

Well, looks like I only had to wait about 10 years for my wish to come true, because Ritchie finally delivered SHERLOCK HOLMES http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/ .
Was it worth the wait?
Yes.
Oh my, yes.

I love this film.
I had very high expectations as a result of an awesome trailer coupled with the fact that I'm a big fan of Guy Ritchie to begin with.
Throw into the mix that this was THE hypothetical Ritchie film that I had been yearning for all those years, and you've got me practically vibrating with anticipation as the cinema goes dark.
I could not have asked for more from Ritchie this time. Here he was playing with some classic characters in a period setting and juggling mystery, crime-procedural elements, action/fight sequences and doing it all with his own recognisable visual flair and class. (The way Holmes analyzes a fight is a stroke of particular brilliance, on Ritchie's behalf.)
They gave the cook some new, fresh ingredients and he baked up an amazing, delicious cake in his own kitchen with his own tools.
I was beyond impressed. I felt so satisfied. It was a wonderful thing to see someone move into a new arena and still manage to display their skills outside of their usual comfort zone.
Bravo, Ritchie. Nothing but praise is coming from my seat, sir.

- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law make up one of the best screen duos I've seen in years.
Their respective portrayals of Holmes and Watson, is a remarkable display of believable friendship and camaraderie. I could tell these gents had a long, rich history and I could believe that such a relationship would take them off on many more adventures together.
These two harmonize so well that with a good surround sound set-up in your home theatre, I believe you'll be able to turn up the volume and actually hear a CLICK sound as they snap into place like lock and key. It's flawless.
The banter, the sombre moments, the action; Holmes and Watson deal with everything this adventure throws at them and they do so with an ease that only years together at each other's backs can allow.

Downey Jr. is in usual top form. His theatrics and the subtle flourishes he provides to simple gestures lend the character of Holmes an almost hypnotic quality akin to Johnny Depp's (earlier) Jack Sparrow work (before that franchise was drowned by bad decisions and missed opportunities).
Jude Law as Watson could easily be overshadowed by the more flashy Holmes role, but thankfully that never comes to pass. Watson is the pause between Holmes loud notes, if you will. Both different, but still absolutely necessary for music to be created. For example, where Holmes may speak at length while deducing until the tea goes cold before acting, punching or blowing something up...Watson would prefer to remain soft-spoken and calmly rational...before acting, punching or blowing something up.
Same destination; different route, no?

- If the studios are smart; they have a monster franchise on their hands.
Like the Tower Bridge structure in the film; SHERLOCK HOLMES has set a VERY sturdy foundation upon which a great cinematic edifice may be constructed.
I eagerly await further adventures involving this team such as 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case Of The (Blank)' or 'Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery Of The (Blank)'.

- The score is brilliant. Case closed.
Zimmer delivers a stirring score filled with the likes of drums and (I think) double bass and mandolin, that drives the action, accompanies the visuals without ever overpowering the overall taste and even manages to infuse the proceedings with the same sense of playful, recklessness that perfectly captures the nature of Downey Jr.'s Holmes performance.
I can confidently say that it's probably the best score I've heard in quite some time. The only thing that annoyed me was that I could not buy it on CD instantly after leaving the cinema. I hit 3 stores and they all stared at me blankly after consulting their equally vacant computer screens.
No matter. I bought it from iTunes as soon as I got home and I'm still listening to it now as I type this.

- The end credits sequence is superb.
A beautiful example of perfect art direction and style that is up there with the awesome opening credits from WATCHMEN http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/ .

- If the cynical hyenas out there MUST have a bone of negativity to gnaw upon; then let me spare the tiniest of scraps in the shape of Irene Adler.
Rachel McAdams is pure class and one of my favourites...but her character is actually not given much to do and by the end of it all, you're still left feeling, "Who is this gal? I like her, but...who is she?" She plays her part well and fills her position within the grand scheme of the narrative, but you never really feel like she's given the care and attention that characters like Holmes and Watson have benefited from.
Perhaps, if she's kept around for further adventures, her character may be given more opportunities to shine. If so; I welcome it.

Regarding script, structure and plot; sure, there is some heavy exposition near the end which some goats may bleat about and claim as 'weak writing', but I disagree. The Holmes character is built up from the beginning as the type of chap who thinks things through and plays the events AND explanations out in his mind. Had Holmes NOT been allowed his 'explain it all' moment, then it would have felt like something was missing considering that was one of his personality traits, for want of a better term.
Besides, the plot is intricate enough that I did not mind in the slightest that Sherlock provided some clarity, and that is definitely not to say that the plot is muddy or poorly-structured, but rather that I cared enough about the affairs to appreciate the explanations and revelations.

I cannot speak highly enough of this film.
Excellent characters.
Awesome new franchise potential.
If you need a break in between seeing AVATAR for the 4th time, then I HIGHLY recommend SHERLOCK HOLMES.

I'm off to listen to the score again now and look for clues...
:D

(Oh, and speaking of AVATAR; yes I am going to do a post, of course. It'll be up next. I had to let it all soak in first. Stay tuned.)

DEADGIRL

2009-12-27T17:32:00.002+10:00

Ugh...
I feel dirty.
Not the regular kind of dirty like after you've done some heavy work and you're dripping with sweat.
Not the good kind of dirty like when you're in a strip club and you're being massaged by the best tits money can buy.
Not even the literal kind of dirty like when you've fallen into a mud puddle after stepping out of your carriage and misjudging the first step. (...If you so happen to travel by carriage, I suppose.)

No.

The layer of filth that seems to have coated my very being is unique.
It has stained my skin, my eyes and possibly even my very soul. (I'll only know for sure once I visit a clairvoyant. Only then will I be in a suitable position to decide which lies I shall believe in order to attempt to heal my corrupted aura.)
Until then though; I fear that this sickening sense of putrescence that clings to my form like film upon rotting meat will be with me for some time.
What could have caused this grimy residue imbued with such gag-inducing potency?
Well, how about the face-paralysing experience of witnessing a film concerning teenage zombie rape.

Yep. You read that correctly.
Teenage. Zombie. Rape.

Aren't you glad you visited my blog today?
Allow me to now provide my report a la some kind of pseudo-coroner upon the cinematic corpse that is DEADGIRL http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896534/

(Oh yeah, I'm not going to spoil the journey for y'all by laying the plot out on a slab. But hey, I've already mentioned 'teenage zombie rape'. If that triple-threat combo of words does not inform you as to whether or not this is the film for you, then perhaps you need to do some soul searching. Light some candles. Find yourself, y'know? Have fun.)

- This horror film is, appropriately and refreshingly, horrifying.
It's about time a flick came along that lives up to the implications pertaining to the HORROR genre.
This is a greasy, unpleasant film that leaves a thick layer of retch-worthy after-taste in the back of your throat.
It's like eating something rotten on a hot, sticky day...and you have no beverage available to rinse your mouth out with.
You can even almost smell this film.
The stale sweat. The sickly musk of old sex and body odour generated by the exertions involved in such an activity.
Waves of scent seem to radiate out from the screen and place you in the middle of these disgusting events.
And that face that you generally pull when you smell something offensive? The way your nose lifts and your top lip curls back slightly as if trying to recoil away from the source of the odour? Yeah, that face is the mask that you will wear throughout the duration of this film.
I put my mask on during the first 'sex scene'...and never took it off.
It's still on as I type this.
Damn, I need a shower. I hope soap can rid me of this feeling. Perhaps I have some heavy-duty cleaning products in the cupboard. It's worth checking...

- The Dead Girl's face is simply terrifying.
Even before it has been, well, ...worn out, so to speak. Ahem.
Her expressions display a perfect blend of ravenous fury and corpse-like mindless vacancy...yet with eyes that seem to still hold a faint echo of her past humanity.
And when she 'grins' she becomes the mascot of nightmares.
I'll be seeing this gal in my mind for years to come.
Perhaps I should adopt a drinking problem...

- Noah Segan's performance as JT is excellent. He did solid work in BRICK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0393109/ (Just watch it. NOW) as Dode, and yet I didn't even recognise him here; so different was he from that previous character.
JT is one frightening chap.
He's that kind of friend that is always just one small situation away from snapping, y'know?
You could see in his eyes that there was a pendulum just waiting to swing away in the wrong direction and the right set of circumstances were all he required to swing away and smash everything to pieces.

- The 'shopping for a new girl' scene at the gas station is disturbing...and yet it manages to catch you off-guard and take an unexpected turn.
The scene could have played out predictably and still succeeded; yet the curve-ball that is tossed at the audience allows our minds to fumble briefly before being led off onto a new path in this disturbing journey.

- This is a TRULY original take on the whole zombie movie genre. A most impressive feat, indeed.
There are no head-shots.
There are no mall scenes.
There are no shambles of zombies laying siege to a structure that contains a holed-up band of distressed survivors with suitably diverse backgrounds.
It basically ditches the bulk of zombie movie cliches and decides to tackle the subject from a VERY different angle and have the players be anything but heroic survivors.
Heroism is nowhere to be found within these halls, kids.
These characters are just plain...wrong.

- Far too many so-called “horror” films these days are stale, formulaic affairs that deal with text-book scenarios that, at best, barely manage to elicit a giggly shriek from the audience.
True horror should do as the name implies.
HORRIFY.
They should stay with you.
No other genre of film; and I mean NO OTHER GENRE, manages to stay with you afterwards as effectively as horror.
...Provided it is done right.
Take a quick run down a general list and you'll see:
ROMANCE = “Oh, wasn't that lovely. I feel romantic. Let's kiss and maybe you'll get a handjob on the drive home later. Where should we eat?”
COMEDY = “Oh, wasn't that funny? I liked the part where I laughed. Hahaha. Where should we eat?”
ACTION = “That was awesome. That explosion was...explosive. Where should we eat?”
DRAMA = “That made me think about things. Let's discuss it before our entrees arrive and then our relationship issues will take priority. Where should we eat?”
Yet with HORROR, you should get:
“...That was awful. I don't want to be alone tonight. I think I need a bath. What? No. I don't even feel like eating. Let's go.”

Horror stays with you.
It makes you look at the darkness in a different way.
You try to open the car door quicker.
You make sure you double-check the door and window locks.
You don't want to be alone afterwards.
Your mind has now been conditioned to believe that all of those things you just experienced on a screen...have managed to follow you THROUGH the screen, out into the real world.
THAT is a truly memorable experience.
Some may cry that such films make you feel bad or scared and why would anybody desire that from a film.
The watching of films is supposed to be a leisure activity. Why would you desire a negative feeling?
...But therein lies the whole trick to horror films and good films in general.
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING.
If they 'get to you', regardless of genre or subject matter, then the film has served its purpose...and then some.
It makes for a richer experience and the level of immersion is raised considerably if you happen to take something away from the film, long after you've safely pressed the STOP button and sighed with relief as you remind yourself that it is “just a movie”.

I still cannot rid myself of DEADGIRL's disgusting taste.
It is horrible and this, ...this is a horrible, HORRIBLE film.

And I mean that as a MASSIVE compliment.

MARTYRS

2009-12-27T17:12:00.004+10:00

I am speechless.
My jaw is literally still open from when this film made it fall to the floor at the beginning.

MARTYRS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1029234/ Whoa.
I am not going to go into detail about this film, for to spoil it would be unforgivable.
I can only say that it is absolutely brilliant.
Believe me or do not.
I could not care less.
But if you choose to disbelieve me, then it is your loss.

It is easily one of the best films I have ever seen in my life and I believe that it may be the BEST HORROR FILM I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.
I'm serious.
This film is like getting hit by a truck.
...If you had never seen a truck before.
You'd be like, "What the fuck is that?" and then it would slam into you with such force that your mind never had a chance to process your own question before the answer obliterated your very existence.
Yeah. It's powerful, yo.

I shall write one of my usual posts about this film sometime in the future; but for now, I must leave you all with nothing but my highest of recommendations and a few little morsels:

1. The breakfast scene stunned me senseless.
2. The bathroom scene terrified me.
3. The 'final stage' had me doubting my own eyes.

This film is NOT an easy journey and you MUST have a strong stomach, but if you feel up to it, then please; witness this film.
Yes, it is disturbing and unpleasant...but the experience is unforgettable.

As I said; I shall return to this film again in a later post.
I have to go and think more about it now...

THE DANCE

2009-12-06T19:52:00.004+10:00

I've seen it at least 3 times, now.
No...I believe it was 4 times, if I'm to be truly honest with myself, and I must. For if I fill my own ears with lies and deception, then who knows what that could lead to.
I may grow angry.
I may stalk through the night, blade held tight, stepping in the memorised locations upon the old wooden floorboards of this house that yield no creaking moans of protest.
For I do not wish for my location to be revealed.
I must precisely execute every step of this remembered dance so that I may infiltrate my own sleeping chamber...without waking myself up.
For if I catch even the slightest scent of my own approach then it will be curtains for us all.
I will unleash considerably more than a simple “moan of protest” if I learn of my own vicious plans for this evening. If I am discovered then I will surely tear the wallpaper of this shabby dwelling with screams that would shatter the teeth of a whole choir of sinister angels, rendered deaf by a birth defect that was no mere accident, contrary to what the newsreels will have us all believe.

Damn it.
I'm losing focus...and I cannot afford to do so.

The steps...I must recall the correct steps...
What was the next one? Think!
...Wait.

Something...has just caused a vibration in that area of the memory-web that causes the plump abdomen of the mind to pulsate in anticipation of a delicious new recollection.
Well-timed, too. For I have grown hungry.
This nostalgic morsel will help me maintain my stamina.

...What?
This is no memory.
This...this is a...an understanding.

My god.
How could I not have noticed?
It was so clear.
The floorboards...
“Moan of protest”...
Why did that particular current in my stream of consciousness self-punctuate as if it was in third-person?
Almost as if...it was heard...

Now I hear something...
The soft, disappointed moan of creaking wood was enough to make me turn...yet this reaction was predictably late.
My eyes had only a chance to barely locate my assailant, but not focus on them, as the blade seemed to vanish from my grip and appear elsewhere.
Unfortunately, 'elsewhere' happened to be buried 5 inches into my chest and by the time I understood that brutal fact about my own bodily geography, it was too late.

I did not hear another floorboard creak as I crashed to the floor.
Perhaps, I struck a rare silent board? It could happen.
After all, those boards were integral locations in the many steps I'd committed to memory that made up the 'dance' that allowed me to get close enough to my own sleeping chamber and murder myself while I slept.

*Sigh*
I've never been a good dancer.

Perhaps that fact should have tipped me off that this endeavour was doomed from the beginning.
Surely I should have realised that I would learn of my own sinister intent?
Was I simply too arrogant to acknowledge this fact? Did I consider myself...stronger than myself?
If so, then I must be laughing heartily now.
I hear something...
The moan of another floorboard?
No.
Just laughter.
The soft, raspy laughter that comes from a parched and cracked throat that has known nothing but the flow of endless insults and hostility from the darkness within for years.
That laugh is familiar.
For it is my laugh.
I know it well.

I lie upon the floor and wish I could join in on the mirth...but a punctured lung, shattered rib and flooded chest cavity do not allow for much in the way of vocal expressions of joy.
I listen to myself laugh as I stand over my convulsing body.
The heaving sounds and corporeal shudders have reached a regular rhythm, and I realise that I have done this so many times now, that I can almost perfectly pinpoint the exact moment when 'body' transitions into 'corpse'.
It's a skill. One of many.

I should set my watch to this moment in time.
Where is my watch? No matter.

I utter a bubbling gurgle of fluid and bone fragments as I try to begin a fit of giggling, but I do not hear it because my own laughing has increased in volume and I hear nothing but the cacophony of joyous echoes as they fill the room like unnamed guests at a dinner party.
The laughter sounds like a party, actually.

The wind from the night outside was ideal for masking my footsteps, but now I can barely hear it.
The laughter has drowned everything... and I know that, I too, am drowning.

I try for another gurgle.
Perhaps a bark of final defiance...or a simple giggling word...
...Nope. No good. The laughter is too loud.
Strange; I thought I would feel worse, considering my situation.
Instead, I feel...calm. A sense of satisfaction seems to be a side dish to the main emotion.
Perhaps that laughter really is infectious.
I don't know.
I'll just close my eyes now. I'm tired of looking up at myself.
I never liked myself from that angle anyway.
I can't even hear the wind any more.
I can only hear myself laughing.
I could use a lozenge.
I have things to do. I'm glad my eyes are closing.
Soon...
My eyes are closed.
The change will happen soon. I'm glad. Right on schedule. I don't need my watch.
I can only hear my laughter.
Laughter.
Nothing else.
I cannot hear anything except laughter.
I CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING...except...laughter...

...and the moan of a floorboard from behind me.

It seems louder than usual. Clearer.
My laughing stops.
I cannot look down at my body...or is it a corpse now? I can't tell. There's no time.
I cannot turn around. There's no time. Where the hell is my watch?

I only heard the floorboard.
I only feel the hands alongside my head...as my neck is snapped.
I wish I heard the crack.
I wish I could still hear my laughter...

I open my eyes and blink until I'm satisfied with the clarity.
My mind echoes, but I can't remember the point of origin.
Perhaps I'll remember later.

My throat hurts.
I lick my lips and wonder when was the last time I drank.
Even if I had my watch, it could not provide such information.

The room is dusty...and I can easily see the footprints that I've left upon the floorboards.
Only my prints.
It looks like some kind of dance has taken place.
I lean forward and shift my weight onto a nearby floorboard; one that has no footprint.
...It creaks, like the groan of a disturbed homeless man.
Just as I thought.
I was lying...and it looks like it worked.

After all; I'm an excellent dancer.

(Just writing to see what comes out. This came out. I wrote most of this a couple o' months ago, I think. I can't remember the exact date.)

TITANIC (1997)

2009-11-08T19:21:00.009+10:00

Well, the almighty James Cameron is going to unleash AVATAR http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/avatar/trailer-b in December so why don't we strap our jugs into a corset, hock up a loogie and swing axes at loved ones; as we prepare to jump into the frosty waters surrounding TITANIC http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120338/ and swim around amongst some of my thoughts on the matter.

If you haven't seen this film; then please send me an email with your first-hand opinion on the advantages of living beneath a rock. In the meantime, I'll give you a brief synopsis:

Two people fall in love on the wrong boat.
Wacky hi jinks ensue.

“Take her to sea, Mr. Murdoch. Let's stretch her legs.”
Let us begin, shall we...

- The most convincing piece of evidence, in my opinion, that this film is amazing and effective is the fact that EVERY time I watch it, I STILL want them to miss the iceberg.
I felt that way on my first viewing and I felt the exact same way on my recent viewing.
I've lost count of how many times I've sailed upon this ship, but each time I return it feels like the maiden voyage again.
Remarkable.

- Jeanette Goldstein has a small role as a the 3rd class Irish mother. It'd be awesome if, when the Titanic staff are holding off the lower classes behind locked gates, she clicked into her Vasquez persona (wielding her Colonial Marines-issue smart gun) and screamed “LET'S ROCK!” before unleashing hot rounds of penetrating death upon the cowering employees.
I also want to see a xenomorph clog-dance against Jack during the steerage party scene. He seems a bit cocky at that point, and I feel his getting served by a chitinous, ebony nightmare with mad dance skillz would've appropriately humbled him a smidgen. Perhaps the alien could go on to win Rose's heart and steal her away from our charming, streetwise artist, eh? Then we could all have been treated to the sight of Rose getting orally impregnated via face-hugger in the back of a jalopy as the xenomorph drone watches, drools and fogs up the windows with panting, hot breath.
Now that I think about it, when Rose and Jack are being pursued by Lovejoy and they flee through the engine rooms, I always expect Charles S. Dutton to jump in and have a manly fistfight against an alien.
Seriously, Dillon was a badass, yo and Alien 3 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103644/ is underrated gold, folks.
Go watch it again.

- Victor Garber's 'Mr. Andrews' performance is hilarious if you take it out of context.
He does an amazing job all round...but if you ignore his lines and just focus on his actions, then it's almost like he's slowly going insane as he wanders a damned ghost ship, trying to comprehend who these spectres are that persist on haunting his leisure cruise and chatting to him during meals.
Just try it. Watch his face and imagine he thinks he's surrounded by ghosts. It's great.
Someone could do an amusing editing/hatchet job on this.
Post it on YouTube if you do.
Think of the laughs, children.

- When the ship is starting to sink, Captain Smith basically loses his shit...but he chooses to do so in a quiet and dignified manner. He elects to simply wander around the ship and stare blankly in a state of catatonia...like a well-groomed, short-bearded Santa Claus who just came home to discover his elves running a train on Mrs. Claus.
That'd knock the lemon out of your tea, I'd say.
Then again, perhaps the traumatic situation at hand had nothing to do with Smith's fractured mental state.
Personally, I blame Grima Wormtongue's poisonous influence. He was probably lurking around in steerage; eating rats and waiting for the Titanic to dock at Mordor.
(NOTE: I consulted a weighty textbook on the subject, and I discovered that the Titanic was not scheduled to stop at Mordor. Grima was misinformed.)

“The ship is fiiiiiiiiiiine, Captain. Relax. Let's have a brandy...”

- I saw this 5 times at the cinema.
Coincidentally, I too am an artist and my then-girlfriend's parents hated me as well, so it seemed to fit, no?
...Okay, I didn't freeze to death in the ocean while clinging to an expensively ornate door, but she did go on to live a good life, I assume. So there were some parallels.
I do wish that I could say that I sketched Billy Zane's woman nude, though. That'd be well received during dinner parties, I feel.

- Cameron is a god. Simple.
That being said; I've never understood why douchebags mock the “King of the world!” line + Cameron's usage of it during his Oscar acceptance speech.
Cameron was understandably proud of his achievement and I think that his reaction was actually quite subtle, when you consider how MASSIVE said achievement was.
As for the line in the actual script; even it makes sense and is not worthy of ridicule. Jack had most probably never been in a situation like this before. Yes, he mentions his travels etc but he's still just a starving artist getting by on limited means and, frankly, I'm surprised that he didn't just whip it out and start beating off right there on the foredeck while Fabrizio cheered him on as he aimed for a happily leaping dolphin.
So shouting that he's king of the world? The man showed impressive restraint if you ask me.

"I'm gonna create some awesome."

- The old-Rose lady annoys me.
Nothing against her or her performance, it's just personal taste. She bothers me.
There's an SNL skit where she gets beaten and that brought a satisfied grin to my face. It was quite therapeutic.
It all boils down to her actions, basically. Many people undoubtedly lost jobs because granny threw the Heart in the ocean and decided to live out her final hours as a diamond-wasting, selfish hag. (There's even a deleted scene where Brock mentions the whole financial angle + resources + employees that stresses the magnitude of his whole operation. Sure; he's a treasure hunter...but he's a treasure hunter with investors and employees who all have bills to pay, Rose. But you don't care, do you? Nah. You got your centrefold and you stole a guy's last name...oh, and his life too. Nice.)
But I doubt that she'd even still have it. She basically stepped off the Carpathia like Jason Bourne in a corset. Wouldn't she have sold the rock so that she could finance her new identity as “Rose Dawson” and enjoy a life of endless horse, rollercoaster and plane rides at Cal's expense?
(NOTE: I just had an awesome image of Rose DeWitt Bukater looking all beautiful as she beats the crap out of NY guards a la Jason Bourne. That would be sweet. Hello sequel.)

Paxton should've just followed the ALIENS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090605/ trend, adopted his Hudson persona and shouted, “Game Over!” as he rib-kicked her till she coughed up Le Coeur De La Mer.
The cinema would've clapped, I tells ya.

“I'll sketch ya', Granny!”

- People seem to be compelled to mock big ol' grand cinema experiences that seem kind of 'old Hollywood', for want of a better term. That is unfortunate and makes up the bulk of my theory on why AUSTRALIA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455824/ was sneered at.
Why this attitude? It baffles me.
As if 'new' Hollywood is so flawless and serves up gold after gold.
There's nothing but remakes, yo.
Stale ones, at that.

- Kate Winslet/ 'Rose DeWitt Bukater' is amazing. (Yes, I agree that Leo carries equal weight in his role and does an excellent job, too. Hell, I'm a big fan and DiCaprio has been doing exceptional, solid work for YEARS, yet it seems like only recently that the masses have realised this. High praise to him, for sure.)
This is probably my favourite Kate Winslet role, along with Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I cannot praise her enough.
Can you blame me? I mean, Rose digs artists and poses nude. That's my kinda gal. She's simply awesome.
Now, would I freeze to death for her?... I'm not sure. BUT, I'd be willing to discuss the matter and hear what she has to say.

Tommy Ryan says that “You'd as soon have angels fly out of your arse than get next to the likes of her, boyo.”
That sounds like a challenge, sir.
So, in order to land a classy dame like Rose all I must do is meet her during her suicide attempt that interrupted my stargazing on a luxury cruise liner that I've found myself upon after winning a lucky hand of poker.
...Okay. Simple enough.
Unfortunately, I hate poker. Damn it.
No matter; I guess I'll just have to enjoy my time with Rose while I have it.
That brings me to another wonderful thing about her; Rose, and this film by association, feels like that amazing girl that you met while on vacation and fell in love with. But then the time came for you to both part ways...and she disappeared.
Now, you find that when you see her again every time you watch this film, the memories flow in thick and fast.
I love returning to that feeling and the whole experience still gives me chills.

- The VFX have already been spoken about to death by one and all, so I'll not spread another layer upon the thickness. However, I do feel that the costumes and Rose's wardrobe in particular deserve a mention. Her dresses are simply beautiful and her red/black 'suicide dress' plus her flowing, paper-thin 'survival dress' are my particular favourites. The image of Rose moving along a flooding corridor in that wet dress while carrying a fire-axe is one of those cinematic moments that instantly gets locked away in my memory banks under the 'CLASSIC' heading. She looks so beautiful, yet terrified.
Rightly so too, for that entire sequence with the lower-decks flooding and causing electrical malfunctions has an eerie tone of menace that lends the proceedings a horror movie vibe which becomes quite unsettling.

(Wet chick + Axe = Hot)

- I must briefly draw attention to the deleted scene involving Lovejoy hunting Rose and Jack through the flooding dining rooms. Yes, I agree with Cameron's opinion that it is unnecessary at that stage of the story; but it is still a damn good scene. Take the time to check it out on the DVD.

- Billy Zane is a king amongst lesser men when it comes to being a cad.
Cal is the type of gent who thinks of words – hesitates – then chooses a hearty slap over discussion. Classy move, that.
This upstanding young gentleman also chooses to chase after Rose + Jack...and shoot at them while the ship is sinking. That's commitment to being an asshole, right there. If you're gonna do it wrong – do it right.

I guess the best way for me to express how awesome Titanic is, is by the way it makes me feel when I'm 'on board', so to speak.
Even though the ship is doomed, I want to be on it.
I want to sketch with Jack, hang with Tommy Ryan, dance with Rose and have as many other experiences as I can manage within that limited time frame until the inevitable comes crashing in.

It's the same situation presented within Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Hogwarts, folks.
These are universes and places that, when you visit, you do not want to leave; and when you finally do step outside the borders, you eagerly wish to return.

I don't care if the ship is going to sink, y'all.
For the chance to spend time with Rose, I'd buy a ticket.
Hell, I'd buy 5 tickets.

(500) DAYS OF SUMMER

2009-10-25T19:46:00.006+10:00

I love this film.
I'm not a big fan of sunshine...but if I was, I assume this film could be equated to that warming glow that those harmful rays provide.
Except this marvellous film won't give you cancer and make you look like beef jerky in your later years.

So, let us look at 5 points why (500) Days Of Summer http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1022603/ is awesome.

...Yes, I could be poetic and do 500 reasons if I really tried, but that's a bit much, no? I love delicious Oreos, but if someone offered me 500 of them to eat in one sitting (milk optional), I'd throw them a fist.
It's just not reasonable, people.
So 5 it is.
Count 'em...

1. The entire experience is bittersweet.
You fall in love with Summer...then she's taken from you, and while your heart utters a tiny whimper that goes unanswered within your newly found emptiness, you're still left with a feeling of satisfaction. Sure; you're lonely now and there's that hollow echo of loss within...but you feel like you can cope with what is on the horizon and there's a subtle scent in the wind of the possibility that another person may come along to fill the void left by Summer's absence.
It's such a beautiful film that contains a subtle, painful honesty about life and how it works. Or rather, does not work.
The bittersweet aftertaste continues in that I took away from this film a sense that Tom was only creative and got his act together once he was free of Summer.
Hmmm, so (happiness) + (girlfriend) drowns out creativity?
Great.
I like tits as much as the next sailor, but if having them in my hand means less time with quill and paintbrush in my hand, then forget that.
Can you only be creative when you're alone and/or heartbroken? That's something for poets, artists and scholars to debate.
...But not on date night, apparently. Hmmm.
I'm a big fan of 'love' stories such as this and other films, like Secretary http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0274812/ and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0338013/, that aim for the audience member that doesn't want to watch yet another mindless rom-com *retches* where Regular Boy meets Plain Girl and happiness is grown together in between scenes of 'love-making' where the chick leaves her bra on.
Nonsense.
That dog won't hunt.
Guys hold their stomachs in, people can decide to stop loving you mid-conversation and chicks take their bras off, yo.
Reality, folks. Pull up a seat and take it all in.
Films need to cater to the other sides of the love coin, now and again. Everything DOESN'T always work out. Problems don't get solved sometimes. Relationships aren't just experienced by flawless, mannequin-like droids with perfect dental work that grin at each other lovingly as they share a straw at the local malt shop.
That crap is only seen in greeting cards and weak films.
Now don't cry foul and reach for the pitchforks, torches and (insert Romantic DVD Boxset purchased for last Valentines Day to persuade partner into leaving the lights on for once) ...for I have nothing against love stories, so to speak.
Quite the opposite, in fact. I believe in love and I like it when I have a Bonnie to my Clyde; however, I just heavily DISLIKE it when most romantic comedies are nothing but weak, cookie-cutter piles of reheated tripe designed to be “date movies” in order to fill 2 hours in an evening spent by couples who fear an actual conversation.
(500) Days Of Summer pleased me because it's a romantic film that displays that there's far more texture and substance to love and relationships than most films give them credit for.

2. Zooey Deschanel is simply a magical entity. I'm convinced that she is not a human; but rather, an alluring being of myth. Similar to a woodland nymph or some other hypnotically playful sprite of lore.
I was captivated by Zooey when I first took note of her in The Good Girl, http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0279113/ (Check it out. It involves Jennifer Aniston showing why she's 1 of the only 2 cast members with a post-FRIENDS career)
where she played a cashier who advises a customer that ginkgo is helpful if urine is splashed on your face.
What a gal.
Here, Zooey's Summer character is a classy dame with style and a kind of librarian-meets-Katy Perry fashion-vibe going on. Love it.
I mean, seriously; how can you not fall for this chick? She pushes Tom into the porn section of a video store, watches the selection with him and then suggests that they incorporate a new act into their bedroom repertoire when she spots a technique that piques her interest.
In the shower, no less. Outstanding.
I'd put a ring on that girl's finger, yo....if I had any money left after buying crate-loads of porn in order to fuel her imagination further.

(She's, like, kinda magical.)

Summer also introduces Tom to The Penis Game.
How many girls have you met that are up for a game that involves saying the word “penis” in public with a progressively increasing level of volume in order to ante up the stakes?
I haven't met any. What's the world coming to?
Dames need to be up for more cock-based games, yo.

I also love the way they describe Summer as being fairly normal and yet they use the term, "The Summer Effect", while describing the amount of double-takes she receives from onlookers during her bus ride and such.
"The Summer Effect" is real, folks.
Such a phenomenon is to blame for much neck trauma that I have suffered as a result of witnessing many a breathtaking dame with Summer-like qualities. That first glimpse is like a shining beacon that draws your eyes back to the source of this pure beauty that entrances onlookers and makes them snap their heads round for a second look to make sure that what they're witnessing is true and not a trick of the light or fevered imagination.
Powerful beings, ladies are...and "The Summer Effect" is a fitting name for such power.

3. The Expectation vs Reality sequence is amazing. I'm gonna type that again and capitalize that shit.
It is AMAZING.
It was so simple, and yet so remarkably accurate. I bet EVERYBODY out there has had whole sequences like this in their lives. I know I have.
...And unfortunately, the reality only rarely equals the expectation.
The whole scene had me feel so happy for Tom...while simultaneously feeling gutted as I watched his reality fracture and branch off onto the path that lead to the numb, sobering ache of reality.
We've all been there, and seeing it displayed so well on the screen in such an elegant fashion, further proved to me that I was dealing with something special here.
That scene plus the 'day-after happiness' dance sequence make it clearly evident that this tale is treated with more care than most. You feel Tom's euphoric state of mind and triumph as he dances along the street and I even found myself bouncing along with the music and wanting to be able to congratulate him myself and join in alongside the animated bird and dancing pedestrians. I would've liked it to go on a bit longer actually, but alas, the story must go on...

(Happiness = Hallucinations)

4. “You like The Smiths?”
There is that 'eureka' moment in the elevator where Tom realizes that he's falling for Summer.
I'm still waiting for my Summer, unfortunately...
I've had those moments in the past...but, usually, some boyfriend has already had the “You like The Smiths?” moment with the girl LONG before I even entered the elevator, so to speak.
That's just annoying.
In fact, fuck The Smiths.

5. The Photocopy Room make-out scene.
I was worried that they were going to pull that ol' cinema trick and abruptly cut out from the kiss to show that it was merely Tom's fantasy.
That would've pissed me off.
Why? Because I WANTED TO MAKE OUT WITH SUMMER IN THE COPY ROOM!
Let me have that fantasy, cinema.
Don't slap me twice like an abusive husband with memory issues by showing me that my FANTASY is also a fantasy. Allow me these small concessions, please.
Thankfully, the kiss was legit, and I – plus Tom – was grateful for that fact.

That'll do for now. (Until I watch this film again after buying the DVD.)
Yes, I cheated and crammed multiple points into single numbers, but oh well.
I'm tricky like that.

MIRRORS (2008)

2009-10-25T15:16:00.004+10:00

I finally got around to watching MIRRORS. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790686/

In the past, I'd placed my ear close to the ground and heard the distant rumblings of others as they stalked across the land and muttered that it wasn't a fantastic film or anything and that I need not saddle my steed and head off to the cinema /video store at full gallop; carelessly trampling pedestrians under-hoof in my determined quest.
However, I did hear comments made about a particular scene.
A scene involving...jaw-breaking.
That was all I needed to hear, y'all.
To paraphrase Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire; you had me at “jaw-breaking”.

Here are some thoughts:

- The aforementioned jaw-breaking scene.
I gotta say; it impressed me. I know my way around a horror movie or two and if your story isn't that strong, then you have to even up the balance with some interesting violence or an ample serving of gratuitous tits.
Simple arithmetic, really.
It may even be one of the Commandments. Something along the lines of “Thou shalt include hearty servings of bangin' jugs in thine horror flick”. Don't quote me on that, of course, as I'm no theology professor or anything. (I dropped out just before graduation to pursue a career in the field of Personal Awesome.)
But I digress; this scene is brutally good. I heavily recommend it.
Watch it alone.
Watch it on a first date with a girl. (Tell her it's a new rom-com starring Amy Smart. The trap will be as good as set)
Watch it with a close chum, simply so you'll be allowed the opportunity to remark, “Holy baked shit! Did you just see that chick's jaw get ripped open? Swell!”
I feel it is my duty to pass on such horror gems to you people. It's just the kind of guy I am. Think of me like...Santa Claus.
But instead of spreading gifts, good-will and countless elfin bastards; I recommend scenes of horrific, ghost-influenced skull trauma.
Compose a mall-worthy carol out of those elements, yo.

- The mysterious plot involving the mirrors and so forth is rather bland and starts to outstay it's welcome. Sam and Dean Winchester would have solved this whole fiasco in one night, with time left over for last call at the bar, a couple o'rounds of hustled pool and Dean to bang some floozies in the Impala while Sam...I dunno, did demonic shit and used his laptop. That would've been better. I love Supernatural.

- This is possibly the only film in existence where you can see the grandma from Dawson's Creek play a nun who explodes after being 'filled'...*ahem*... by too many evil spirits, and then turns into a demonic nun who can scurry across walls.
Pacey never would've been able to deal with that kind of crap AND Joey. High school is already hard enough, kids.

- The mother in this film has a rather impressive rack, which she proudly displays to the audience by defending her home and children from vengeful spirits...while wearing a soaking wet singlet top.
Perhaps such attire offers a tactical advantage? Who knows? As I've mentioned many times in the past and in numerous foreign courts; I'm no priest. Who am I to judge whether or not spectral entities from the afterlife are frightened away by dripping-wet, glistening boobs. That sort of topic is not comprehensively covered in most text books that I've flipped through.
All I can say is that if I was a cursed spirit held captive behind a mirror and I saw those goodies; I sure as shit would try and breach my way into their world. I'd watch them like the newest episode of LOST, yo.
Ghosts still got needs, right?

(Who you gonna call?)

- Kiefer Sutherland wanders around in this film and looks equal parts pissed-off, confused and...not really frightened, but more irritated that someone ruined his day. Jack Bauer should be used to this kind of thing by now. (Isn't Season 5 of 24 about angry ghosts who have a nuke or something? I don't pay attention anymore, frankly.)
But 24 jokes aside; let us take a moment to focus on the cold hard facts; ...Kiefer played a badass vampire in The Lost Boys http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/ so when all of the reflective surfaces in his life started giving him attitude, Kiefer should've just clicked into David mode and screamed “I'm an 80's vampire and don't even have a reflection so eat shit, Spooky Mirror!” before riding off on his dirt bike through Santa Carla and listening to saxophone music by a sweaty, pony-tailed, muscleman.
Besides; the kids these days really love a sassy vampire, so I don't know how this opportunity was missed.

"MIIIIIIIIIIRROOORS!"

- The climax REALLY caught me off guard. Seriously.
Just when you think the dust has settled; the acrobatic demon-nun appears and an action scene begins that is reminiscent of Ash's fight against the pit-witch Deadite from Army of Darkness http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106308/
This unexpected showdown finally culminates in a COMMANDO-flavoured death where the nun gets impaled on a steam pipe a la Bennett. Hell...yes.
I was shocked.
I laughed.
If Matrix was here; he'd laugh too.

- This movie has the most Twilight Zone-y ending ever. I don't know what it is with Alexandre Aja and his 'twist' endings, but they're not really doing it for me. I'm a big fan of the guy, but he needs to leave the twist ending shtick alone.
Unnecessary, yo.

That's about it.
Once again; this film isn't the freshest meat on the counter; but it has some decent moments and besides, say it with me, people; “JAW...BREAKING...SCENE.”

(This is the wrong film.)

Oh yeah, MIRRORS is a remake of the South Korean film, Geoul sokeuro
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372937/ I haven't seen it but after watching this, I think it'd be worth hunting down.

Enjoy.

NEW ART: Onion, Girl 02

2009-09-20T12:04:00.003+10:00

Another batch of art, fresh from the oven...

Onion Hair: http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/Onion-Hair-137501306
Girl 02: http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/Girl-02-137508074

Enjoy.

NEW ART: Deck, ID + Girl

2009-09-19T00:04:00.002+10:00

New art is up in my gallery.
Stop on by...

Skateboard Deck: http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/Dawn-Of-The-Deck-136986109
New ID: http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/DEV-ID-Temple-137281898
Girl: http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/Girl-01-137405665

A VIEW TO A KILL

2009-09-18T14:02:00.004+10:00

Back in my college days, my amigos would often throw Bond, A View To A Kill and Max Zorin references about the classroom with mirthful joy. While I was a dedicated supporter of Christopher Walken, I had not seen said Bond film and new that I must do so before too long.
The years passed and life got in the way like a plump, sweaty woman who refuses to move at an acceptable pace in the buffet line, and I suddenly realised that I had still not yet caught this cinematic gem. I was not overly concerned though, for while I have nothing against the Bond franchise, as such, I've simply never considered myself a 'Bond fan', so to speak. Sure, I like promiscuous sex, flashy gadgets and exotic locales ripe with flashy, promiscuous harlots but the series just never really managed to get its hooks into me.
...That is until I finally sat down to watch A View To A Kill. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090264/ It opened my eyes and made me understand why all those years ago, my friends spoke of this Max Zorin character in the same way that monks speak about Buddha or idiots speak about Twilight.
Since my initial viewing, I have watched this film numerous times and have accumulated a robust collection of thoughts and musings.
Let us now enjoy them together...

Mayday: (in awe) “Wow! What a view!”
Zorin: (enthusiastically) “To a KILL!”
- I still don't know what that means.
Now I'm a pretty intelligent guy and I've watched this film enough times to have a joke ready whenever someone brings up butterflies during a dinner party, but I still have no freaking idea what the hell 'a view to a kill' is supposed to mean.
Maybe it's more a niche reference. Perhaps only an elite cadre of power-mad industrialists understand such a witty jape and were Zorin to deliver such a line in the company of his peers, I have no doubt that he'd be on the receiving end of many a hearty back-slap and all the kudos you can fill your pockets with.
Besides, anybody who didn't get the joke and throw back their head in approving laughter would probably just get their ass tossed out of a zeppelin.
Fuck that noise.
If that's gonna be the outcome; then I'll keep my mouth shut about views, kills and any resulting combinations.
Bah, the film should've been called 'Floods n' Blimps' anyway.
...And the poster should have had a picture of Stacy Sutton in a wet t-shirt with Zorin cackling maniacally above her with a whole Elvis 'sex on the beach'-movie vibe..
In fact, I'm putting that on my artwork TO DO list right now. Superb.

- During the iconic James Bond opening sequence when Bond shoots the unseen gunman, why the hell does the gun barrel rapidly fill with blood? That's absurd.
Even if Bond was having an awesome day and pulled off a bullshit shot that punctured an artery or something, I doubt that there would be an instant steady flow of blood that would easily flood a gun barrel. I'm no physician, but I'm not convinced that there's sufficient medical evidence to back this all up, Fleming.
Bond also always talks himself up in order to gain access into the moist confines of various women's undergarments, but I dare say that he leaves out the parts where he's killed numerous hemophiliac snipers and watched them drown beneath a crimson sea of their own unclotting juices.
That's a prick move, Bond.

(Yep. Just stand there and watch him gurgle.)

- “Neither the name 'Zorin' nor any other name or character in this film is meant to portray a real company or actual person.”
That disclaimer is actually displayed at the start of this film. Hilarious.
That's like stating that Darth Vader is not real or sincerely advising that the audience not go out and decapitate the nearest Scotsman after watching Highlander in order to drink of their delicious Quickening.
Sure, that would be awesome with a side of fries, but logic and common sense would prevail, right?
Wrong.
When the power of Zorin is concerned, logic is unconscious in an alley with a stoned hooker and common sense is nowhere to be found.
I like to think that the producers hastily attached that opening disclaimer from fear that after witnessing the pure, refined awesomeness that is Max Zorin, hordes of people would flock to his banner and try to emulate his style.
Just think of the chaos, people.
Skies filled with blimps and every Tom, Dick and...Max Jr. sitting at Starbucks, typing up their earthquake/flood schemes on their laptops and trying to buy equine steroids via eBay.
Personally, I never go to Starbucks and I'd love to look up each day and see countless blimps happily bouncing along; so I don't really give a shit what people do under the influence of Zorin Fever. However, I see what the disclaimer is getting at and t'is an admirable goal, to be sure.
(NOTE: The DVD commentary actually provides a factual reason for the disclaimer...but facts and research never got anybody laid, so just take my word for it.)

- Okay, so there's this ridiculously successful spy movie franchise and for the latest instalment they need something gripping to serve as an opening action sequence that'll pin the audience's collective ass to the seat while making them choke on their popcorn in goggle-eyed wonder.
What do they decide to do?
They serve up a skiing sequence accompanied by “California Girls” by The Beach Boys.
...Yeah, that'd be my first choice too.
Seriously, what the fuck did they DISCARD in favour of this? I really hope somebody got fired for that. Sure as hell wasn't the director, John Glen, who's idea it apparently was. Thumbs up, Johnnie.
But hey, he must've been doing something right, because he directed a handful of Bond flicks, including Octopussy, ...a film that I just wanted to mention because I'm childish and I like cephalopods.

(Nature is awesome.)

- Bond's colleagues mention a “highly sophisticated surveillance machine”...which turns out to be some kind of dog-droid, technological mistake that looks like it was hastily thrown together in a panicked frenzy when someone lied to the prop department and said that Bond required a hip new sidekick named Barkytron who would inevitably betray him in the 3rd act and efficiently sleep with his woman.
This thing is pure rubbish and I'm glad its presence is minimal. That being said, it would be amusing to add it into the background of various scenes throughout the movie, for I'd assume that, out of context, a nightmarish canine/toaster hybrid would warrant quite a few laughs in any situation.

- I've always felt sorry for the Frenchman who dies during the restaurant scene in Paris.
Imagine how his family must have felt when they were informed of his demise and the inevitable trauma that they'd suffer upon reading about the details in Le Monde, which would probably go something like this:
“...killed while dining when a poisoned butterfly was plunged into his cheek by a suspicious ninja-like figure who incorporated the gentle art of fly-fishing into macabre ballet of death...”
...Wow.
I bet his kids just said, “...car crash...” when asked relevant questions at school later on.

- May Day is a terrifying creature.
I think Grace Jones is pretty badass and all, but May Day is like some chocolate Amazon who doesn't seduce men, but rather crushes them to a pulp in order to extract vital juices and nutrients from their crippled husks like a giantess who is picking ripe grapes for her sexual wine.
...I'm not a drinking man, but if she offered me some of that, I'd be all like, “Yes, ma'am. Just don't squish my puny frame for your next vintage.”
She'd then probably penetrate me and mock my unmanly tears.
Sure, I'm man enough to admit that she frightens me, but can you blame me? She shows Bond who's the boss in the bedroom and Zorin only gains the upper-hand with her after he judo-throws her to the ground. If that's what dating strong women requires these days, then count me out. You'd go in for some lovin' and end up being hip-thrown into a china cabinet. Foreplay or not, that's not cool, lady.
But as I said, Grace Jones is badass and any dame that hangs out with Conan is groovy in my book.

(Yes, ma'am. Anything you say.)

- During the mine scenes, I always wish that Mola Ram from Temple Of Doom would suddenly drop out of a tunnel and that would lead to a kickass villain team-up moment. Such an alliance would be a sight to behold. It's like two different ends of the awesome spectrum coming together to make a focused beam of uber-awesome.
Seriously, that unity could be that foundation for a sitcom that'd never get old.

“Floods huh? So...what do I do with this heart?”

- At one point, Max Zorin says the line, “Would you be interested primarily in stamina?”; delivered in that, too-often poorly-imitated yet brilliant, Christopher Walken style of speech that could charm the bank account details out of a sober cobra.
Of course he happens to be referring to the quality of horse that Bond is interested in buying, but I choose to ignore this concrete fact and instead look upon the phrase as the cutting edge of pick-up line material.
Seriously; next time you're out prowling the night and the hunger grips you, saunter up to a suitable dame and channel your inner Zorin as you confidently question her thusly; “Would you be interested primarily in stamina?”
If she's receptive to your advances, then hastily retire to your awaiting blimp and allow nature/booze to take hold.
If the coldest of shoulders is what you receive...then perhaps she's just not interested in what you're selling, sir. Worry not, for the following options are open to you:
1.Hire May Day to strangle her while she goes through a car wash.
2.Trap her in a library elevator shaft and set fire to the building.
3.Call her a bitch and spit in her overpriced cocktail.

- I've always been interested in the potential back story involving Zorin's uncharacteristically helpful right-hand man, Scarpine.
...Who actually has a scar on his face.
That's uncanny.
I like to think that during the interview for the position, Max Zorin read out his name and then proceeded to study his face for what became an awkward amount of time and then decided that Scarpine was missing something.
Scarpine would've had only a brief second to be confused before comprehension dawned on him.
And by “dawned on him” I mean, May Day probably knocked him from his chair, straddled his chest and held him down while Zorin sliced open his cheek and gifted him with a painful memento that would befit a suitably-named employee such as he.
Too make matters worse, Zorin would probably always bring up the scar and it's shady origin when he and Scarpine were at social functions, thus leading to Scarpine having to impress Zorin with his comedy improv skills as he regaled listeners with a colourfully fabricated tale concerning the genesis of his facial deformity.
Zorin would laugh and applaud if he did well, I assume.
What a shitty boss.

- I only noticed on my most recent viewing that Dolph Lundgren has a tiny role in this film.
How did I not catch this before? I must be slipping.
In my defense; he just stands off to the side of the screen, and basically does nothing.
Still, it would've been awesome if he stood in the scene and did nothing...but was dressed in his He-Man costume from Masters Of The Universe.
Would I have noticed him then? Who knows.

(He blends in well.)

- How about that unfortunate gent who wanted no part in Zorin's wacky flood caper? What an unexpected day he had. I bet you twenty bucks that he Twittered the wife on his way down;
“Just been dropped out of a fucking zeppelin during a business meeting. Promotion unlikely. Late for dinner. XOXO”

- Any COMMANDO fans out there reading this; watch the scene where Bond goes to the docks and talks to that CIA agent guy. You all TOTALLY expect Bennett to arrive and then see Cooke standing in plain sight with his trusty remote detonator.

- Tanya Roberts was totally bangin' as Stacy Sutton. yo.
I'd never seen her before this, cause I never watched Charlie's Angels and such, but she is a quality dame, indeed. Oh, she also went on to star in a handful of soft-porn flicks (I love the internet) and a film called Beastmaster which has always been on my TO WATCH list and where I can only assume that she 'masters' an assortment of 'beasts' with the hypnotic power of 'awesome breasts'.
Good enough for me, folks.
Stacy Sutton also keeps a shotgun in her house that is filled with rock-salt, so she must undoubtedly be plagued by a poltergeist or some other flavour of supernatural bastard that leads me to fantasize about an awesome team-up that involves Sam and Dean Winchester kicking spooky ass with this hottie by their side:

(I'd watch her burn a corpse each week.)

- What's with the bizarre Blues Brothers-style cop car chase and pile-up near the bridge?
In fact, who gives a shit. The Blues Brothers is an awesome movie and if they ever do a special edition of A View To A Kill where they replace Roger Moore with Jake and Elwood Blues who eventually have a climactic dance-off against Zorin on the top of a rapidly inflating insta-blimp, then I'd probably hyperventilate and blissfully pass out.

(You will NEVER be cooler than these men)

UP

2009-09-16T16:08:00.005+10:00

I watched UP http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/ the other day.
It was enjoyable, but I'm disinclined to go along with the majority who claim that it is PIXAR's best work thus far.
Sure, this film is good and I enjoyed myself; it's just that it gets blown away by the likes of WALL-E, Ratatouille and the greatly underrated The Incredibles.
At least UP kicks the crap out of Cars. Ugh, that movie annoys me. It was just like a big-budget adaptation of those irritating BBC kids shows involving sentient vehicles that caper about the village and mockingly cavort in front of humans; their rightful masters.
Burn them all and crush them into a cube, I say.
I wish I could say that'll occur in the sequel, but I know it won't. Shame.

Let's take a look at the highs and the lows of this particular adventure...

HIGHS:
- The early montage involving Carl and Ellie's relationship. This was just beautifully done. The film had basically just begun and I found myself already crying. Their early courtship followed by the rise and inevitable falls of life are displayed with such care and emotion that I was hooked instantly.
PIXAR have always stuck to their motto that “story is king” and that belief is backed up by their diligent attention to the little details regarding character interaction. Simple little moments like Ellie gently placing her hand upon Carl's as children, coupled with the painted hand prints during the mailbox scene just provide depths to the story that sucks you in until you finally realise that you're staring at the screen through moist eyes.
PIXAR made me cry with a speechless little robot and they did it again with this wonderful sequence. Well done.
In fact, such an emotional high point so early in the narrative actually left me kind of detached from the later stages of the film, but perhaps that's just me.

- Kevin the bird is great. I'm not able to type volumes of text concerning this character, because, frankly, she doesn't do very much. What she does do though, and well, is stare about blankly in that awesome 'vacant sidekick' kind of way and squawk in a manner that is funnier than any line of dialogue could be.
She must have been fun to write. Just change the surrounding context and the audience can provide their own meaning for the squawk. Worked for me; I was laughing, and while I was underwhelmed by Kevin at first, by the end of the film, I found myself wishing that she had more screen time.

- Dug is the second character who I wished was given the chance to show off more. He's a big, squishy Golden Retriever...with a collar that allows him to talk. That's just awesome, right there. He's eager to please his master (whoever that may be) and he has that that delicately balanced canine personality that teeters between focused attention and squirrel-based distraction. He gets his share of laughs and he's generally always present on screen...but I couldn't help feeling that the multi-lingual collar plus his personality hinted at some wasted potential, script-wise.
Still, his solid visual design makes him a nice addition to the PIXAR roster and it'd be nice to see him used in some shorts or something similar down the line.

(Clearly reading his lines.)

- PIXAR never really fail to impress with their opening shorts, and 'Partly Cloudy' continues this tradition. I'm even inclined to say that I laughed more during this short than during UP. The concept alone is impressive enough to warrant extended praise and without trying to spoil anything, I'll simply say that the storks that deliver babies have a sort of work-like relationship with clouds. It's a brilliantly simple premise that works wonderfully.
...Oh, and there are few things funnier than watching a stork get winded after a baby ram smashes into its chest. Hilarious.

(Poor, poor stork...)

LOWS:
- Russell is a strange character. He's got a great design and there's loads of potential under the surface, but he never gets any really good lines and I just generally found myself wondering when he was going to click into place, y'know? Yes, I laughed when he got whipped across the face by a tent support strut but that wasn't enough.
Usually the sight of a fat kid getting injured is a comedy high-point and enough to make me enthusiastically recommend it to any film fans who'd enjoy the humorous sight of a plump child being accidentally whacked in the face by a plastic rod.
Alas, this time I felt like something was missing.

- The script could've used some more punch. The dialogue and narrative did the job and everything zigged and zagged where appropriate, but I expected some more spice. If someone cooks you a steak and just hands it to you on a plate, you'd be like, “Sure, this is a well-cooked steak, but I'd like a side of fries, some sauce and a frosty beverage to go with it.” THEN, sir, you'd have a meal.
With UP, I still felt hungry afterwards.
I saw this with my brother-in law and young niece and I think it left her unsatisfied as well. During the car ride home, she spoke more about how much she loved Monsters vs Aliens, instead of how funny Dug was.
Hmmm. Not the words of a customer who's just enjoyed a full meal, says I.

(Potentially hungry UP viewer)

- The talking dogs were wasted. I've already mentioned Dug, but all of the other dogs are basically just loud obstacles. Snore.
Speaking of which; the whole opposing force is nothing to rave about. Okay, the whole 'hero becomes villain' angle is not bad, but Charles Muntz just felt like a hollow place-holder. I got the same vibe from Clayton in Tarzan back in the day, who looked like Captain Hook's brother and seemed like he was merely the villain-shaped peg necessary to fill the villain-hole.
Lazy, folks.

I mentioned The Incredibles earlier, and I'll mention it again now for 2 reasons:
1. It's awesome and it warrants repeated viewing.
2. UP has a few things in common with it in the ways that it has been painted with some darker narrative tones in comparison to most of PIXAR's lighter fare.
I should make it VERY clear now that I personally do not consider this to be a textbook negative; au contraire. I yearn for the day when there are countless animated films aimed at more mature audiences. (Hurry up and get released, 9 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472033/ )
I mention this purely because I was feeling more down than up during this film, and that was not what I had expected. Especially not when 2 key characters had the potential for far more comedy than what was served to us.

As I write this, I'm detecting a scent of negativity that was not my intention.
This IS a good film and the adventure was worth every step. I guess I'm just not as passionate about this film as I thought I'd be. And, as I've learnt like any artist who explores their craft; my work suffers a little when the passion is not there.
Oh well, no drama.

My advice is to suffer through a painful viewing of Cars again before watching UP; then after being in the company of Larry The Cable Guy and the rest of the lame components that make up that bland, damaged wreck, you'll find your journey far more uplifting.

Seriously; Cars is crap, folks.

COMMANDO on TV

2009-09-05T20:24:00.001+10:00

Greetings.

COMMANDO is on TV tonight.
Channel 7 at 10pm. (Australia)
Check it out.

If Matrix was here, he'd watch too...

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

2009-08-28T15:30:00.006+10:00

Atten-HUT!
Let's take aim and shoot some Nazi's with a full clip of thoughts about Inglourious Basterds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/ shall we?

- What an amazing month. Cameron reveals the dazzling brilliance of AVATAR and now Tarantino finally unleashes his long-awaited, grand ol' war movie. My 2 favourite directors have definitely spent their time wisely; for while we may have been checking our collective timepieces all along, these two master craftsmen have shown that the waiting period was more than worth our while.
Tarantino spoke often over the years of how he was still working on his “guys on a mission” war script, and to finally see the fruits of that labour up on the screen at long last was a wonderful sight to behold.
Is it exactly the film I expected? No it is not.
But I LOVE the film that it is, and it's that sort of unexpected surprise that adds to the overall charm. I embrace this movie with both arms and hug it firmly to my chest like an old friend who smells of firewood, baked goods and stories untold.
Wonderful.

- Yes, the film feels VERY different from the posters and marketing
Yes, it feels like you've been served a different film than the one the trailer alludes to.
But why is that a negative?
This situation is only cause for drama and fist-shaking outrage if the film delivered was poor.
That is most definitely NOT the case with Basterds.
This film is fantastic.
Some may cry foul that the whole “guys on a mission” vibe is not really present, but I do not feel the film suffers because of this.
This was conceived many moons ago and as a writer myself, I can attest to the fact that (unless you do the unthinkable and write your entire final draft in one sitting in a single afternoon) screenplays have a habit of evolving and maturing over time. This tale may have begun in one way...but it seems to have transformed into something quite different as the years went on.
And that something different is a most wonderful organism, indeed.
Heck, I hope Basterds does super-business and allows Tarantino the opportunity to make the companion piece to this film involving a group of black troops, that he's has reportedly spoken of. Perhaps that will tell that particular chapter of this overall journey.

- The opening farmhouse scene.
Wow.
No 1st time screenwriter would ever be allowed the freedom to get away with it. Studios would be like, “Lengthy dialogue? Two men sitting in a room? Nonsense! Open the film with some tits or an explosion. Better yet; an explosion of tits!”
Now, I would be more than welcoming for a film that involved such jug-based pyrotechnics, but alas, such raunchy gimmicks are not necessary here.
The whole 'slap the audience across the face in the first 2 pages' convention is a screenwriting rule that I've always thought requires at least two THICK coats of grey paint. Things are not always that black and white, people.
...Well, not in GOOD films, at least.
You need some room in which to wiggle and be vague. Allow the audience a chance to get comfortable in their chair and be embraced by the narrative...before unleashing your first narrative punch to the groin.
I'm just very thankful that Tarantino has put in the hours and as a result, has reached a point where he is allowed the creative freedom to open a film in such a way...without some studio clown commanding that he change the film to better suit the intellectually-crippled goons whose attention spans are vastly dwindling with every repeat viewing of Transformers 2.

- Dialogue is deliciously thick and layered. Adding to that is the dynamic element of transitioning from language to language at certain moments to properly suit the scene and contribute to the tension and so forth.
One of the many reasons why I love Tarantino's work is his knack for dialogue. The man has a solid ear for speech flow and knows when to throw in a rise, a fall, a pothole or a sudden-turn along the verbal road to keep the journey interesting.
That's mainly why I am not a big fan of Death Proof. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/
I do not dislike the film, but I just felt that the dialogue didn't snap-crackle and pop off the screen and into my memory vault of 'Quotable Tarantino Lines', y'know?
Perhaps, I need to go for round 2 with it.
After all, I was not in awe of Jackie Brown http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/ upon first viewing and yet, after repeated viewings over time, it has grown to become one of my favourite of Quentin's films and possibly his most underrated.
But getting back to the matter of dialogue; I can gladly say that the speech fired around during Basterds is top-shelf...and Tarantino has also now managed to undertake those interesting verbal journeys I spoke of, in different languages.
I'm a great fan of the English language and many others, particularly French, and I must say that certain moments during this film had me shaking my head, so impressed was I.
My 'Quotable Line Alarm' also went off with a satisfying ring numerous times and I look forward to trying to emulate Hans Landa's delivery of gems like “Could I have another glass of your delicious milk?” during dinner parties to unsettle other guests.
Superb.

- Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa is hypnotic. I mentioned before how I was very impressed by certain moments regarding language, dialogue and so forth? Well, Christoph Waltz is generally centre stage during said moments.
The guy is simply mesmerising.
He kind of feels like a slightly-unbalanced German relative of Tim Roth. That's a compliment.
This gentleman effortlessly jumps between German, French, English and Italian and it looks as natural as breathing. He also manages to convey this serpentine sense of seductive malevolence and smoothly transitions from a calm, open and friendly demeanor into a duty-driven predator who enjoys toying with his prey.
You really must see for yourself. Waltz is golden, yo.

(Makes dairy products sound sinister)

- The bar scene involving the undercover allies versus the drunk Nazis was amazing and probably one of my favourite scenes...amongst many others.
Michael Fassbender had a badass British, suave manner going and his face-off against the very impressive August Diehl as the SS officer (with frighteningly good hearing) provides a wonderfully tense atmosphere that is tinged with doomed humour which reminded me of Tarantino's similarly brilliant scene he wrote in True Romance http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108399/ between Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken.
I'll say no more, from fear of spoilers but trust me; it's excellent.

- Gedeon Burkhard plays a character named Wilhelm Wicki. He is not onscreen for very long and he does not say much...but I instantly want to see this guy in more movies. He's got great screen presence coupled with one of the Best. Voices. Ever.
More roles for this gent, please.

- Hitler kind of looked like a creepy Mandy Patinkin. Weird.

- The film is filled with high-quality characters that are rich in personality...and I kind of felt like I was being hurried past them like when you're on one of those boat rides at Disneyland.
It all felt rather bittersweet; for I do not consider this a fault but rather a strength. I loved these characters so much that I was like, “Please Quentin, let me stay and hang with these guys longer.”
So on that note, I'll just add that I'd like (in future/side films, maybe?) :
1. More Melanie Laurent (This gal was impressive as Shosanna and one classy dame.)
2. More Donnie Donowitz (Eli Roth is badass, yo)
3. More Hugo Stiglitz (I cannot believe that I haven't been watching more Til Schweiger films. This guy is 'angry-action-hard man' dynamite. I'm a fan now.)
4. More Aldo Raine (Pitt is excellent, but as I've said; I wanted to spend more time with him.)
5. More of the Basterds in general. (There's easily another film's-worth of juice you could wring out of these cats.)

...Oh, and guns triggered by the impact of a punch are awesome.

Excellent viewing, y'all.

At ease.

DISTRICT 9

2009-08-27T17:52:00.009+10:00

District 9 is remarkable.
I shall now do my best and use my honeyed words (and guest star, Charlton Heston) to encourage you to shamble off to the theatre and view such goodness.

“Why the hell should I do that, you filthy blogger, you?”, I hear you bellow from the bowels of the webternet.
Glad you asked.
Voila...

- I've said it once and I'll scream it again; forget all of this HALO nonsense and somebody PLEASE give Neill Blomkamp the chance to make a HALF-LIFE 2 movie.
Hell, even if that doesn't come to pass and I find myself floating into the afterlife disappointed (and later returning to haunt cinemas until a proton-pack stops me); at least I can cling to this wonderful film, for it is the closest we have to a HL2 cinema experience.
...For now.

(See how he waits...)

It does a damn fine job of it too. I nearly jumped up and down on my seat when I saw Wicus blast away enemies with a 'gravity gun' and also wreak absolute havoc in a power suit that reminded me of Dog.
Throw in a crowbar and a barrel o' headcrabs and we've got ourselves a solid weekend, y'all.

- Witness what marvellous feats can be achieved by a director with some talent who actually DESERVES his budget.
Apparently, word round the campfire is that District 9 cost about 30 million bucks.
Transformers 2 apparently cost somewhere in the ballpark of...ahem...200 million dollars.
I feel physically ill.
During my Transformers 2 viewing, I could hear each cell in my body, shrieking in pain as they suffered through that ridiculously expensive nightmare of overblown, finely polished crap.
Why is that the so?
If Neill Blomkamp managed to conjure up pure cinema magic with only 30 mill...then shouldn't 200 million shiny gold coins guarantee us all a film experience so mind-blowing in it's awesomeness that it'd be like witnessing Charlton Heston breakdance against that Martian hooker with 3 tits from Total Recall.
No matter where you'd look, your eyes would fill with excellence.

Unfortunately, that's not the way Hollywood works. They prefer the reliable system that involves providing Michael Bay (and friends) with infinite funds to further prove the fact that he's an untalented schmuck whom I would not trust to supervise the catering table...let alone a massive film budget.

Praise Crom, for people like Peter Jackson, Neill Blomkamp and films like District 9.
Seriously; I would rather watch 15 minutes of D9 than have to endure an entire viewing of some other directors' films of late.
I hope this film serves as a wake up call for certain industry folk out there and makes them understand that they need to WISELY utilise the budgets that they're granted.

- Some folk may wish to speak about social-commentary and political subtext and such, but I'm not a political guy.
I'm not gonna go on and wax intellectual about topics that I know nothing about.
I have no doubt that there's some very meaty parallels and details that could be discussed at length, regarding apartheid and so forth, but that's not my business here.
Some other blogger can play that tune.
Instead, I'll simply mention that there are scenes where soldiers get vaporized into a kind of gooey mist by brutal laser blasts.
That's music we can all dance to, friends.

(Deep social commentary...and LASERS! Brrr-zap! Ka-pwing!)

- Come and watch as humans yet again act like jackasses marinated in asshole sauce and demonstrate how NOT to properly handle alien contact.
You might be able to distance yourself from the narrative a bit...if it wasn't so damn accurate. You just know that this is how humans will act when aliens finally arrive.
They were not hostile...yet they were immediately imprisoned and seen as lesser beings.
Nice welcome.
“They were malnourished.”, the media also informs us.
Really? You flawlessly understand the new alien biology, do you? Impressive deductive journalism, kids. Take notes.
And as usual, it's all about weapons. We could learn VOLUMES of knowledge from this new form of life...but nah. Let's poke them and plunder their armoury.
The best thing about witnessing this stellar example of finely-handled diplomacy is the inevitable moment where our proud species gets ripped to pieces by the valuable knew weaponry...as you happily cheer the aliens on.
Stupid humans.

(Heston wasn't human, he was awesome.)

- Sharlto Copley gives an amazingly natural performance as Wicus, as he transforms from goofy, nervous bureaucrat into an erratic, terrified man who is alone, hunted and horrified by what he may be becoming.
The fingernail scene alone had me convinced that I was not just watching some movie, but rather that this was a real ordeal that I was following along with.
The entire piece is infused with that flavour, actually. Despite the aliens, advanced weaponry and overall science-fiction subject matter, District 9 consistently feels like an account of some real life events that are unfolding on our very planet. After watching it all, I felt like if I checked the news that night, I would receive an update on the current situation. It's that convincing, people.
This high level of immersion is greatly due to the authentic documentary/news report segments that are sprinkled throughout the narrative and a level of CGI work that can only be described by saying, “Holy shit. That's a real alien.”
The visual effects on display are right up there on the top shelf with another sci-fi classic that had photo-realistic aliens worthy of awe and coughed-up popcorn; the great Starship Troopers. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120201/ (Yes, it's about time you watched it again. You're welcome.)
Hopefully; unlike Starship Troopers, District 9 will not get robbed at the Oscars when the time comes. That would be a crime.
12 years on and the arachnids from ST still look amazing.
I dare say that 12 years on from now, these so-called “prawns” from D9 will hold the same level of awe with new viewers.
The power of the effects work is also not just the result of impressive modelling work and the like. Christopher Johnson; the resourceful and reliable alien that acts as co-star alongside Wicus, is a staggering achievement.

(Deserves an Oscar more than Julia Roberts.)

It's performance had my jaw-open for most of the film...and the fact that he's a CG creation, never managed to sink in. Just like the T-Rex vs Gallimimus scene in Jurassic Park proved that Steven Spielberg actually managed to capture, domesticate and screen-train a living T-Rex in Hawaii, Christopher Johnson will prove that aliens freaking exist, yo.
Now I love the Lord Of The Rings movies and Andy Serkis is a pure master...but Christopher is better than Gollum. Case closed.

- See District 9 before they, hopefully, make a District 10.
D9 is reportedly doing great business and the ending leaves more than enough room for a sequel that I eagerly await.
Blomkamp has provided a very solid foundation upon which an excellent franchise could be built.

I give District 9 high praise, ladies and gents...and if Heston was still around, he'd praise it too.

“I stole this gun from an ape NOT an alien. There's a difference.”

There sure is, Mr. Heston. There sure is.

AVATAR DAY

2009-08-21T19:30:00.002+10:00

I am a writer and I consider myself to have some level of skill.
I do not claim to be the best and I'm not about to go dig up William Shakespeare and challenge him to a manly write-off...to the death...which he would already have won on a technicality in some smug corpse-like fashion.
Crafty bastard.
However, while I am not the most powerful man to ever wield the quill, I am definitely not the worst, and I've been known to dazzle the masses with my hypnotic text-based chicanery on many occasions.

That being said, I am definitely dreading the day in the approaching December when I must conjure up a review for AVATAR. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/
That's gonna be tricky due to a number of reasons:
1. James Cameron is basically my god.
2. This teaser trailer looks like the film will far exceed even my own mountainous expectations.
3. How am I to pad the sentence "This film renders heaven obsolete" so that it fills an entire blog post?

Oh well.
Maybe I'll just cut and paste the word 'AWESOME' over and over until I fill the internet...
That'll work.

Happy Avatar Day, y'all.
Viva Cameron.

DRAG ME TO HELL

2009-08-16T14:02:00.005+10:00

“At any point during this film is there a demonic goat that calls someone a whore?”

That is the ONLY question that I shall ask from now on when I am offered a film to see at the cinema.
...And if the answer is no, then I'm not even going to bother putting on pants.

Drag Me To Hell http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127180/ has spoiled me, and I feel like a better man because of it.

I love this film.
From the first few moments when the titles smash up on the screen like a slap across the jowls and the credit sequence washes over you with that familiar scent of old-school Evil Dead-era Sam Raimi, I knew I was in for some good times.

Speaking of Raimi, this is a VERY refreshing return to form.
Don't get me wrong; I love what he's done with Spider-Man (except for the embarrassing part 3) and I don't feel that Raimi is JUST a 'horror director', (check out A Simple Plan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120324/ ) but I felt like his new movies didn't have the same 'spark' as his earlier work.
I confess that I was actually thinking about skipping Drag Me To Hell at the cinemas, for purely financial reasons. (I'm currently unemployed. If you're reading this, you should totally hire me. I'm an awesome writer and I have nice legs. Wink-wink)
Anyway, I'm glad that I ignored my coin-based dilemma and jogged off to the 'plex to catch what I hope is to be the sign of Raimi's triumphant return to horror.
Interviews have informed me that Sam and his brother Ivan have currently got pages of the Evil Dead IV script already written and after Drag Me To Hell showed that none of Raimi's horror tools have rusted or gone blunt over the years, I can do nothing but anticipate that demon-filled brilliance that looms on the horizon like an undead army.

As is my habit, I'll try to only give you the bare-bones synopsis regarding plot and such.
I purposely avoided investigating this film prior to it's release because I wanted to be really surprised by Raimi's horror return and boy, did that pay off.
All I knew was this basic equation:

Pretty girl + gypsy + gypsy curse + demon = X

I left the answer as a blank X.
Why?
Because I don't know the best arrangement of words to properly express how I looked as I leapt around my seat and jumped in fright like a schoolgirl locked in the trunk of a clown's vehicle.
My amigo – a fellow Deadite from way back – claimed that he probably jumped about 8 times.
I did not count.
I was too scared.
In order to better express my feelings of terrified shock, I'll throw some more ingredients into the arithmetic stew to further tantalize y'all who've yet to see this film.
Let's add:

Invasive fly + kitten-corpse vomiting + horrible cake

...Oh, and a terrifying handkerchief.
Stop laughing. I'm serious.

I'm also VERY impressed by the fact that a healthy dose of these nightmarish events takes place in BROAD DAYLIGHT. This pleased me greatly. If there is one horror cliché that really makes me reach Gary Busey-levels of anger it's the fact that the bulk of violence/scares/attacks take place at night or in darkness.
Snore.
Oooooh, the dark is scary. Yeah, thanks for that. What are we? 6 year olds?
Frights will have WAY more punch if you throw them in when people feel safe.
I want to see an attractive young lady get jumped by a cackling goblin and have her rib-cage torn open...while she's mid-conversation on her cell-phone to her fiancee in the brightly-lit frozen food section of a supermarket with heaps of customers around.
Now THAT's gonna spill some popcorn, yo.
Thankfully, Raimi seems to share my thoughts on the subject and gleefully springs some horrific shit on us all when the sun is shining and the birds are all about the tweeting.

There's loads more goodness, but I'll let you all experience those cinematic joys for yourself.
In fact, in order to really get the most out of this ordeal, try and see this in a cinema with damn good sound. The score and sound effects alone are enough to have your teeth grinding and blaming your goosebumps on the air-conditioning...so that your date doesn't think you're a skirt.
In fact; to hell with what your date thinks. If she's not scared by this film too, then she's got brain problems.
You don't want any of her sugar.

I, and legions of like-minded Deadites, would have welcomed a Bruce Campbell appearance, but alas that was not to be on this particular outing. (At least the Oldsmobile cameo is present) Apparently, Bruce was busy with Burn Notice during production and the schedules clashed.
No drama. He is missed...but the film does not suffer as a result. It stands on it's own two hooves and comfortably rests upon Raimi's mantle now, along with his other past work.

I could write about this film all day, but I don't want to ruin any of its potency by overloading you with blow-by-blow information. I'll wrap things up by saying that Alison Lohman does a great job in the lead role and reminds me that I've actually missed her presence. I thought she was great in Matchstick Men, back in the day, but I haven't really seen her in much since. This needs to change.
Another actress who needs to be thrown into WAY more movies after her performance here is Lorna Raver as the gypsy woman. She is flat-out fantastic as Mrs. Ganush. From her powerful mixed bag of emotions in the bank scene to her pure whirlwind of vengeful, unrelenting rage during the carpark attack and more; this woman is two scoops of awesome. She's absolutely terrifying and manages to convey a sense of haunting malevolence throughout the entire runtime...all while looking, basically, like just an old gypsy woman. Raimi doesn't rely on an overload of prosthetics or make-up which could have blunted the performance. He simply hired a very talented actor and had her bring the role to life.
High praise to her.
She created a memorable character that achieved the perfect goal for this kind of film; ...you're glad she's not after you.

So go and watch Drag Me To Hell, folks.
It's high-quality, spooky goodness that fills you up yet leaves you hungry for more.
Throughout the entire course you'll find yourself jumping in fright or laughing...in fright, as only Raimi knows how. I could not be happier that he is preparing this flavour of dish again and I eagerly await the next meal.

Besides, it has a demonic goat that calls a young lady a whore.
That's a spice that not many directors can successfully cook with.

Groovy.

THE SUMMONING

2009-08-13T11:43:00.003+10:00

Our tale begins upon a single blade of grass in the middle of an open, yet secluded grove, deep within the heart of a forest so lush and teeming with plant-life that one could rightly assume that should one remain motionless within said forest for long enough; the moisture in their armpits alone would make an ideal environment to begin the cultivation of any number of new spores and organisms. While this is lovely and charming in a ‘circle of life’ kind of way; it is essentially a discomforting thought. Hardly anybody, in their right mind, would find the prospect of vines and fungi flourishing in various crevices upon their body an attractive situation. However; perhaps this is merely an exaggeration in order to stress how sodding fertile this particular wooded area may be. …Or perhaps not. Let us continue, shall we?
Back to the grass…

On any other day; this particular sliver of seemingly insignificant flora would not be worth my time nor yours…nor that of any other vision-capable creature with even the dimmest of mental illumination. But today is not any other day. Today is today…and this day just happens to be the most important day in the whole existence of this singular blade of grass. Everything that has come before has merely been a preview; a build-up; a tensely escalating crescendo that will finally lead to this impending climactic event in the complex life-cycle of this tiny blade of grass.…For it is about to be stepped upon.
…Now.

As his foot touched down upon the soft grass; the slender figure paused for a moment.His movements were slow and calculated; as if apprehensive of the environment outside his luxurious carriage. Ducking his head slightly so as to clear his top-hat through the doorway, the thin gentleman leaned halfway out and gazed around carefully at the surrounding forest…and its occupants.
A kind of coughing snort brought him out of his intense evaluation and he turned in the direction of the sound. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the two hulking creatures that were tethered to the front of his carriage. They were large, quadrupedal beasts called shalba, with flowing manes and coats similar to that of musk-oxen. They were generally used for transport and as labour-animals, but they also had a tongue that was porous and secreted a honey-like substance which was highly coveted by various traders and other such folk in the aromatic elixir industry. It just so happens to be mildly narcotic as well. There are more than enough second-hand stories making the rounds of local taverns regarding various shalba-farmers who have been caught in the act of ‘milking’ the tongues of their herd. The old fashioned way.
While shalba are generally good-natured beasts, they can grow incredibly irate if they are not given anything to chew on a regular basis (excluding farmers), as their sticky tongues require something for absorption. The first sign of such a mood-swing is a loud kind of snorting-cough followed by an erratic display of independent eye blinking.
And it is those bright green eyes that just so happen to be rapidly fluttering at the thin gentleman at this moment.

As a thin mist of rain starts to dampen the air, the thin gent carefully emerges from the darkness of the carriage interior and makes his way toward the snuffling creatures. He stares at them for a second or two before reaching into his vest pocket and producing two reddish orbs, which pulse gently with a faint, glowing light from within. The shalba grow visibly excited upon viewing these orbs and the gent feeds them one each. Almost instantly; as the chewing commences, the shalba’s eyes close happily and their heads begin to gently bob in a rhythmic action in time with the copious chewing.
With the knowledge that they will be content for quite a while now; the gent pays the beasts no more mind, swiftly spins around on his heels and strides off into the grove; making a raised wooden platform his destination.

The many occupants of the forest gathered here on this day keep their collective eyes upon the gentleman as he purposefully ascends the few small stairs leading up to the wooden stage. His boot-heeled steps combining with his walking-stick upon the hardwood produces an almost hypnotic Morse-code of knocks that would spell only one phrase - were any of those creatures amongst the assembled crowd capable of Morse-code deciphering, which is highly unlikely - regardless; that phrase would be, ‘See here, all ye who are assembled. This gent holds attention-worthy words. And plenty of them’.

Now despite the fact that most of the assembled populace would not understand such a phrase, and even if you mentioned the term ‘Morse-code’ to them they would only either stare blankly, run away or shriek and bite your arm; they still had no choice but to stare attentively forward at the striking figure who stood upon the stage like some darkly-attired concierge of the gods.

And this dark-haired prince of shadows stared straight back at them.

His eyes narrowed once again as he carefully took a mental inventory of all those amassed before him. It was his responsibility to make sure all were present and accounted for. His responsibility to ensure that all those summoned to this meeting, had done just that. For while he too was summoned to this congregation; much to his displeasure, he also happened to be the first one called upon, and it was he who was charged with the grand task of summoning the rest of those who wait expectantly today.
So basically; (deep breath) …a summoner summoned a person to become a summoner so that they may summon many, many others to attend a rather important assembly. …And may those above curse any who dares disregard their summoning.
Yes, that about sums it up.
It could not be any clearer.
Moving on…

As the gentleman’s eyes beheld each and every member of the massive crowd; he had to restrain himself internally with all the grace and decorum that he could muster. For while it was his duty to know the appearance and names of every single inhabitant of these lands, some of them had physical…attributes…that could almost paralyse the mind; so hideous or bizarre where they in their genetic architecture. However; the pendulum of knee-jerk reactions could swing in the opposite direction should enough time be spent in this particular world; as many of the visions on display in the crowd could just as easily be the product of blissful dreams as of feverish nightmares. For every plump, squishy, little bundle of mirth like the playfully vibrating moss kittens; there is a hideous, sense-crippling, reason for dry-retching such as the mulch-dwelling marrow-worms who spend their days reproducing live larval offspring from their mouths and a have a habit of infecting the bones of larger, happier, pastry-loving creatures. Such an infection will, in turn, reduce a previously large and joyful creature to a smaller, weaker, unhappy little shadow of its former self.
...With no desire whatsoever for pastries or baked-goods of any sort.
...And then the worms devour its skeleton.
...While it is still alive.
...Possibly even mid-conversation.
This will undoubtedly lead to the surviving member of the prematurely halted conversation taking offence at such blatant social mistreatment. After all, in such a situation; it is unlikely that one would have the forethought to make a dignified exit with an excuse such as, “Pardon me. Forgive my rudeness; but I honestly must take my leave of the discussion at this point as there seems to be a plague of violently-ravenous parasitic worms viciously devouring my skeleton from the inside. Perhaps we may continue our discussion at a later date?”
Once again; socially-diplomatic verbiage such as this is unfortunately not likely to be coming from your mouth during the aforementioned dilemma.

Worms will, however.

Yes, it is such serious situations and creatures as diverse as this, that has made the thin gentlemen take on his role as organizer of this whole affair with a level of diligence that he would usually only reserve for extra-special tasks in the past. Tasks such as perhaps baking an extra large pie in the shape of a pig’s head for some kind of festival or attempting to gain an evening tumble from a disarmingly attractive ale-wench with sinful eyes and a bosom worthy of poetic praise in volumes.
Alas, the gent’s mind and vision were, unfortunately, not concerned with matters of the flesh at this moment. And no matter how much he may wish that he were elsewhere and in the arms of somebody or some bodies; …his mind knows fully well that he must maintain focus. He must stick to the plan.

He slowly inhales and exhales as he gently lays his walking-stick upon the stage at his feet. He delicately adjusts his top-hat, checks his pocket-watch and, taking comfort in his impeccable appearance and timing; a warm vibration of calm begins to fill his being as he ponders his current status…
He has been given a task.
He has completed one half of it, for as far as he is concerned; all who were summoned here today have made an appearance.
They now stand before him. They wish to hear from him. Collectively; they wish to know his reasons for this meeting. They want answers. They want an explanation. They do not know it; but the gent knows that they are in fact waiting for the second, and final, part of his task…
They wish to hear a speech.
And a speech begins with but a single word…

“Ahem.”

Suddenly one of the shalba lets out a loud, guttural grumble and then continues chewing contentedly.
Every member of the massive crowd has turned in silent unison to watch the shalba as it now proceeds to gently paw at the soft grass beneath its hoof-like feet; once again in time with the chewing.
Crackling vibrations of pulsing displeasure are almost visibly radiating from the thin gentleman as he levels his piercing gaze upon the shalba…and then returns it to the crowd…which is still watching the distracting animals.

The gent’s razor-sharp tone slices through the misty grove as the sunlight begins to filter through the leafy canopy above;
“Another ‘ahem’, perhaps!?”

In time with his words, he slams his heel down upon the hard wood of the stage and once again gains possession of the countless eyes amongst those assembled. The gentleman straightens his suit-coat once more and; so as not to allow another window for interruption, he continues…

“Welcome. Firstly; allow me to convey my thanks and appreciation for your gathering here on this day.
Secondly; I am going to get straight to the sharpest tip of my subject matter. …And if any one of you dares to interrupt me, distract me or emit an odour that brings even a single tear to my eyes I shall take the previously mentioned tip and, no matter how metaphorical it may be, I shall find a way to pierce your skull with this point and pin you to the nearest log. Have I made myself clear to a worrying degree? Those of you with more patience than I; please be so kind as to explain my words to those around you who may be a little…mentally-flaccid, if you please.

I would apologise for my tone and overall frosty demeanour…but I’m not going to. You and I both know that such an accessory would clash with the way my personality is dressed. We are here for a very, I repeat, VERY important event. And it is my duty, to instil upon all of you here today…the gravity and significance of this momentous occasion.

Very well then… You should all know me. You’ve heard my words. You’ve seen me about the village. You may even have sampled one of my many pastries. Basically, I require no introduction. But, as I am far too theatrical for that kind of subtlety, I shall introduce myself regardless. Ladies and gentlemen, …and those of you who are either sans gender or are so freakishly indescribable that your appearance defies classification of any sort; I am The Herald.

Now, we all know the tales that blow through this land of ours like a scented wind. They have been in our minds and flown from our lips since the dawn of our time. All of you; from the giant dirt-crabs to the tiny miniature cows, would know the tales of the Two Queens; Jessica and Claire.
We all know that Jessica the Traveller, Claire and her daughter, Lisa, reside in the realm above us.
...Along with that other being of whom we know very little.
Besides the fact that he likes to change some of our physical appearances while we sleep as a sick joke so that he can hear our shrieks of panic when we awaken to find ourselves either missing a limb or …’blessed’ by the addition of a plump, well-cooked sausage-like creature now growing from the centre of our chest, which offers sage advice and has a tendency to break into song at inappropriate times.

But that is not the issue I wish to discuss today.

You would all know that as The Herald, I am often privy to information that the rest of you would never learn of, even should you take the time to overturn each and every rock upon this world of ours.
Just as you would also know of whom I speak when I now mention…The Quillmaster. Some of you may know him by other names, for he has many, such as Hanque, for example. But regardless of his many guises; it is my duty to inform you that He…has charged me…with the duty of opening the door for you all; a door which will lead you to the meaning of your very existence.

We all know who we are, do we not? We all know where we live, am I correct? And some of the more mentally nimble amongst you may even secretly possess a half-baked notion or theory about WHY we are here.
But all of your theories, guesses, summations and carefully tested hypotheses…are wrong. They are filled with gaping holes through which the liquid of reality is going to pour until it forms a perfectly clear little puddle of truth at your feet.
And it is I who has come to mop up said truth and wring it out for you so that you each may drink of its enlightening juices.
Tasty, no?

Very well, allow me to begin by saying that it is no great secret that The Quillmaster created us. However; …who created The Quillmaster?
From whence did he come?
Why did he bless us with life and allow our lungs to take in each sweet breath of air like a gift from above?
Well, my friends and enemies, I now tell you that this gathering is to become a party…and this party is going to feature ‘knowledge’ as the guest of honour.
I know the answers.
You SHALL know the answers.
And even that strange goat-like creature up the back there, which hasn’t stopped cavorting and playing that cursed violin ever since I began my speech, shall know the answers. …As soon as he regains consciousness after the vicious beating I’m going to administer to him.

So, allow me to reveal all to you as is my charge this day.
This particular soiree is, in a matter of speaking, a celebration in honour of the woman who indirectly led to our creation.
She carried the seed which created He who would go on to create Us.
He created Us so that we could gather here, at this moment in time, to give thanks and honour She who would lead to our coming to be.

Getting confused? Worry not. Stick with me…

So, without further ado; let us raise our voices and praise the birth of She who is known as Jane of the Moores. 1 – 2 – 3,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JANE MOORE!

We; Jessica, Claire and The Quillmaster are ever grateful to Jane Moore; …for she birthed 3 beautiful children. One of whom would go on to later bring us into this world; each and every one of us here today, from the greatest armour-plated caterpillars that slowly undulate across our landscape (stopping only occasionally at villages so that the warrior-like race of beings that use them as mounts may collect liquor, lyrics and lustful glances from any daughters that may be gratefully unsupervised)
…to the smallest blade of grass.

Well, I think that should do it.
Thank-you very much for coming. T’was a fine celebration, indeed.

But all must come to an end.
I own this forest…and I have grown weary of your presence within it.
If any of you are within my sight by the time I put my hat back on, I shall hunt you down and beat you with a sturdy bundle of assorted twigs.

You may all go now. Return to your homes, or trees or wherever it is that you were reluctantly drug out from. But do not get too comfortable. None of us; not even I, can ever know when The Quillmaster may call upon us again for this task or that.

Now kindly be gone.
I am late for my next errand. I must go and baby-sit Princess Lisa and she does not look kindly upon those who keep her waiting.

Good day to you all.”

(Created this as a birthday card for my mother a while back.
She liked it.
I wrote this on 15/6/06)

RANT 02

2009-08-13T11:32:00.004+10:00

You do not see enough ornate headwear being worn with pride these days… I want to see more. Much more. Broad-brimmed affairs that make passers-by stop and remark with much awe and respect. Slack-jawed, they would be. These hats of legend must not be without chin-support, though. No sir. The chin-strap would be a no-nonsense example of quality and safety; …all that you require in a strap. Perhaps, it could be made with some kind of intricate bead-work. Beads are at the height of fashion these days…and the modern gentleman cannot afford the serious social cost of being left out in the cold, or heat, without his chin proudly held within the snug confines of a quality, hand-made, beaded chin-strap. I believe the beads would be purchased for quite a reasonable fee from some kind of obscure mythical tribe of indigenous people who have been wronged in some way or another by whichever government/dark wizard is in power at the time. These tribes are different to you and I, so make sure you approach with caution and tread softly. They have customs which many may find frightful and primitive…yet I have learned their ways. I myself, as an educated scholar and gentleman, now find these sticky-eyed primitives merely annoying and disgusting. But my, can they dance! Why this one time, I had just asked the chief’s daughter for directions to the privy and…
…Anyway, I have put many years of dedication and study to good use…and it has come to the attention of my keen trader’s eye that these froth-mouthed, rock-monkeys don’t appear to know head nor tails of common barter practices. …And that brings me now to how I was able to wrangle such a smashing good deal on this shipment of fine, shiny beads.
They really are shiny.
I do say; I must have truly blessed the tribe that day with my tradesman’s skill and gentlemanly manner…for the chieftain was practically beside himself as I bid them farewell; beads safely packed away upon my faithful donkey. Oh the humour! You should have seen it! He was caught up in yet another one of their little manic dances and his eyes were brimming with tears and mucus. He even shook his fist in an attempt to mimic my own wave as I rode off. It really is amazing. We’re so different, yet so alike. …Tears of joy, my little dancing friend. Tears of joy, for all.

Now, if you wish to wear your ornate headwear whilst you engage in various strenuous activities such as clam-throwing or the manly practice of the ‘meat-joust’; a sturdy, well-made and reliable chin strap is a must. For example, say you have just happened to come across and unsupervised mule… First you would scream “FINDERS-KEEPERS!” in heavily-accented Polish; so as to scare off any possible brigands or overly-ambitious baboons which may be lurking in the shrubbery or beneath nearby rocks. After confidently staking your rightful claim to the unattended beast of burden, you may promptly mount said ‘burro’ and proceed to secure your ornate headwear, making sure not to forget about tightening the shiny-beaded chinstrap.
Now you may ride about the town without the fear of hat-loss…or ornate headwear-loss, as would be more the case. …A mere ‘hat’ is worn only by the filth within the gutters and by those who do more than just test their cousins for ripeness…
Dirty, dirty hats.

Well, the possibilities are almost infinite! Think of all of the exotic locations you could travel to whilst sporting your secure, yet manly, ornate headwear. “Quick Mustav! To the cheese-log factory, pronto!” These are just some of the words you may scream with much alcohol-fuelled determination as you ventured forth on your loyal steed. (I would advise against supplying Mustav with his own mule. …He cannot be trusted with quadripeds.)

My, my, my… Just think of all the words of praise that shall be lavished upon you as you make your way confidently through the winding streets; taking care to avoid stepping upon the legless beggars and crippled children that litter the ground like discarded wooden puppets. …Filthy they may be; but remember to show some heart. Hand them a slice of fruit, ripe or otherwise, and be on your way. So grateful will they be of your kind gift, that they will write songs and poetry of you for years to come! (However, do keep in mind that not all of these creatures are capable of such skills with the written word; …some do not even have fingers.)
A little one even managed to wobble forward in an attempt to hug me, I believe, with his outstretched rotting stumps. My faithful donkey put a quick stop to that. (He shall receive a treat with his oats tonight!)
I just do not have the time to stop and converse with every swollen-throated, pygmy freak who wishes to earn a shiny trinket from the handsome, mysterious traveller who happens to be passing by. My quest is important. And time is of the essence… For as my father screamed on his death-bed, “The Mistress of the Clock awaits no man! No matter how handsome I am!” …Hmmm. Truthful words, indeed, Father. Truthful.

I must now provide you with some potentially helpful words of a cautionary nature… If the townsfolk grow restless or slightly irate, and they will, at your constant presence within their community; simply reach for the ‘healing wand of diplomacy’ before you hastily snatch up the ‘spiked prong of conflict’. One must remember to keep a level head and never lose one’s composure and decorum; …no matter what wild accusations they may hurl at you from their rotten-tongued mouths. Believe me, I have heard them all; “Don’t touch that sacred bowl - Don’t eat that berry - Don’t open that tomb - Don’t touch that woman - Where did you get that bowl?” The list goes on and on…
(If all else fails; the good book says nothing against dealing out healthy doses of much-needed justice with the ‘Rifle of Transitional Change’. That’ll bring these wheezing, flesh-lumps to heel, right quick! Before you know it, you’ll have them clapping in time and performing skits for your enjoyment as you grow plump off their produce and enjoy their women! Huzzah!)

For the most part, however, the populace will generally just sit upon their heaped piles of discarded insect husks and stare blankly at their televisions. (These old TV’s are simply broken and unusable sets which have been scavenged by these people over the years from a monumental garbage dump, located many miles away. They say it is protected by a giant snake-woman who can sense fear and dislikes flowers. …I had to beat this information out of a small tribal magician who had a speech impediment. I do not believe his words…but it is still worth the beating… I’ll be washing drool and blood from my silk cuffs for a month now, mind.)
As I was saying; these televisions are located within each mud-walled homestead and are carefully draped in old noodles and a fresh lizard corpse, which is changed daily. As I understand it; they perform this practice, so as to both ‘improve reception’ and ward off evil spirits…which reside within their household radiators.
Which reminds me…
Behind and to the left of the radiator in my second apartment is the precise location in which I discovered, trained and gained the trust of, my late loyal steed and companion, Denholm, the giant tequila-worm.
…May he rest in piece.
I remember it like it was yesterday, ...or 3 years ago, to be precise. I was riding Denholm, with much vigour, through the rolling meadows of the high country; absorbing the lush, green vistas like a visual sponge, and it was at that precise moment that they caught my eye and I thought aloud to myself, “Now, why would those cows be belching flames at this time of year? …Curious, it is indeed…”

(PAGES MISSING – TORN FROM DIARY – SOME QUESTIONABLE STAINS)

...they made me sign some form of legal document. I remember it clearly because the cheap papyrus was brittle to the touch and its typed font hurt my eyes. This simple page was supposed to assure my silence regarding the entire incident. …But the joke is on them, I tell you. For I signed with my left hand.
I use my right hand for general purposes, while I save my left purely for deceitful acts…and some minor cooking here and there. …I just cannot seem to flip an omelette confidently with my right hand.
Baffling.

(Another one of those rants.
This one is just...strange.
Some horrible man swindles his way through some poor tribe in a fantasy land.
I wrote this one on 2/9/05)

RANT 01

2009-08-13T11:26:00.004+10:00

Isn’t it confusing the way life seems to lead me in any way it so desires. It never even appears to care about my own feelings. It just does as it bloody-well pleases. HAHAHAHA! That’s right. I understand now. It’s all becoming abundantly clear. My god. I cannot believe that it has taken me this long to unravel the multi-faceted microcosm of baffling moments that we affectionately term as ’life’. Interesting. Why; just the other day I was out having a fairly pleasant and uninterrupted ambulatory journey through the center promenade of my picturesque mountain village. Now you see, I had gotten up exceptionally early that brisk morn’, and for good reason. To be honest, it was a combination of factors that led to the disruption of my ill-fated plans regarding sleeping till the later hours. The first factor being that my weak, low-threshold bladder was straining under its sloshing payload. Relief; …relief was what I desired. …That, and the sweet warm embrace of the suns rays coupled with a freshly baked, plump cinnamon roll. Ah, the goodness. One could not find a more simple pleasure than that. …Well, …of course one could obviously seek out a pleasure of equal status or, perhaps, if one truly applied one’s self, they might be fortunate enough to be blessed by the discovery of an even simpler pleasure, which could yield to the happy participant a level of bliss that would be unparalleled by anything we simple mortals possess upon this barren, desolate, inhospitable, husk of a planet we call home. I like it here. It’s a friendly land in which we all co-exist.

…Where the buggery are my slippers? …Do be quick now, as I’m a man of slight patience. …Ah, splendid. I do indeed like it when everything comes together nicely. It coats my fluffy, well-baked soul with a rich, creamy glaze of happiness and joy. …It is a welcome change from my usual untethered feelings of rage and my insatiable thirst for sweet, milky vengeance against all those who have dared oppose me and any of my ingenious; albeit misunderstood, plans regarding overall global improvement. More geckos in positions of power, I say. That’s right. Let those nay-sayers say ‘nay’. …And rightly so, …lest they be drummed out of the ‘negatively-outspoken-folks’’ union like the secretly positive, fraudulent bastards they are. Trap them in small cages made from bamboo and feed them not sweet, creamy baked-goods but rather a questionable assortment of sweaty meats. That will fix them.

…You there! Yes, you. The one staring at me from that ornate picture frame. Fetch me my satchel! Fetch it at once I say! I wish to go adventuring! Time waits for no man! …Except for he who carries a satisfactory bribe in the eyes of the Great Time-Keeper, …and a staunch old bugger he is. I mean honestly; you offer the gent a perfectly good squid-helmet whose previous owner was an old lady who ate concrete, and he laughs in your face! The gall! The absolute bloody audacity! Needless to say, I was quite taken aback! Bastard. I required one minor favor and he wouldn’t oblige a kind gentleman such as myself. I missed a crucial appointment as a result of his blatant disregard for the well being of his fellow man. He will rue the day! … But worry not. I’ll fix him. While he blissfully slumbers in his cot, I shall release leeches into his wife’s nostrils.
The wheels are in motion.
I can hear them creaking.

RIGHT! Now just hold on a bloody minute! What is the meaning of this! …Come on! Out with it! I demand an explanation, …or at least a colorfully festive fabrication of events that blends a humorous mix of truth and fiction into a dizzying cocktail of entertaining deceit that leaves all involved feeling plump and satisfied. …And it must include a leprous princess and not one, but two, fight sequences involving chain-smoking pixies.

…Well? I’ve got all night people! Don’t be foolish enough to assume that I require sleep! I take a special combination of medicinal herbs and I eat a lot of moths; so do not even attempt to outlast the night against me! …Fools! All of you! Weak-minded fools! You all crowd around, staring into me with your accusing eyes. But I can smell your fear. That’s right! FEAR! …But wait, …what’s that? There is something amiss. One of you is not in attendance. …I can smell them …or rather; I notice the absence of their scent, …that distinctive musk. That damp, fetid aroma that makes me yearn for the long-past days when I was able to suppress my gag reflex. However, that is out of my hands now. I ask you; do you know the discomfort one experiences when one’s fresh, warm vomit lies in one’s lap?
Yes? No? Anyone? Use your hands. Don’t be shy.

…Bah, enough of this. Bring him to me. Now. …I demand it! You know of whom I speak! Stop exchanging blank glances like baboons that have just enlisted in the Colonial Army, and bring him forth! You now fully well! He’s the one who apparently runs this madcap excuse for an institution! Yes! HIM! The one with the limp and the wobbly eye! I wish for a word with him! In fact, I’ve got a FEW words! A veritable ‘word-combination-onslaught’, which will swiftly nullify any chance he held of rebuttal. Tidings of woe, I tell you! That is what I hold for him! Grim tidings of pain and suffering are what I have in store for that louse! HE MUST LEARN OF MY WRATH! …HE MUST BE PROPERLY SCHOOLED IN THE ARTS OF TORMENT AND ANGUISH! I have had quite enough, I say!
However, I warn him…along with the rest of you, if I find another pregnant octopus in my breakfast coffee, …there will be DIRE repercussions. Mark my words…

…Now. Let us move along, shall we? Someone fetch me my saliva-flask and a small wedge of ripe cheese. I’m entertaining a lady of culture this evening…

(I don't know if other writers do this, but I find that sometimes you just need to let it all flow out upon the page.It helps get the wheels turning, y'know?I try not to overthink things and just let my mind take hold of the quill and dance off into the night.
This is what usually happens and it seems that I've a habit of sounding like an insane old man, actually. Bizarre.
I wrote this on 21/5/03)

RERUNS

2009-08-13T11:20:00.003+10:00

Probably the worst thing about breaking up…is the reruns.
It’s almost as if your imagination loses the ability to go forward.
To focus on the future.
Embrace the new horizon, if you will.…

None of that.

Instead, your mind will now decide to broadcast an endless supply of reruns from the past. Imagine a veritable back-catalogue of pain and anguish to ever torment you as you mentally roam the aisles of this depressing video-store of memories gone sour. Late-fees are not your concern at this point.

You will be able to enjoy these shows in your own private theatre whenever you close your eyes. And these shows, be they fact or fiction, will continue to play, both day and night, regardless of whatever you may be doing or trying to do.
You may find this unpleasant.
You may find these images distasteful.
You may wish for the picture to fade as you slip into the blissful embrace of sleep.
However, your subconscious does not wish for any change in the current broadcast.
…If anything; your subconscious would like an endless supply of blank tapes with which to record this sordid mental ‘entertainment’.
…For no other episodes draw higher ratings than the ones which feature your respective boyfriend or girlfriend having sex with another person...or persons.
Really well.
Without commercial breaks.

And “WHY?!, you will furiously scream in your own mind, is the volume so much louder on these particular episodes?
Why is the picture so much clearer?
Is the zoom function really necessary?

But alas; do not fret or overly concern yourself if you happen to miss this episode or any others.
The mind is a reliable network.
It will repeat…

(I wrote this a LONG time ago.
Not sure of the exact date.
The day some dame dumps you is not a day one usually highlights in one's mental calendar.
Enjoy.)

HOLLYWOOD

2009-08-13T11:16:00.004+10:00

There once lived a great, magnificent Beast named 'Hollywood', that would fill its nights entertaining weary travellers with amazing tales by a warm campfire.

Then one fateful evening; it decided to devour the travellers and steal all of their gold.

Now this Creature simply lurks in the darkness; lights a small fire…and waits.
Hunger and greed; its only companions.

(I wrote this on 3/9/05. I must have just seen a rather disappointing movie.
Now, I understand that showbusiness is a 'business', ...but what the hell happened to the 'show'?These days, the BUSINESS is written with massive, illuminated, flashing neon letters that leave no hope of the show ever being noticed.

Something's gone wrong, folks.)

NEW ART: T-Shirt Design

2009-08-04T18:39:00.007+10:00

Howdy.
Well, I didn't win the T-Shirt design contest but the piece lives on, y'all.

http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/7-Sneakers-and-a-Girl-Shirt-132058129

Enjoy...or throw fistfuls of rotten waste.
Whatever suits your mood.

NEW ART: Sully

2009-08-02T23:54:00.008+10:00

Greetings.
Anybody out there a fan of COMMANDO?
(You should all be shrieking YES.)
If so, then my new piece will please you.

http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/COMMANDO-Sully-131821022

Enjoy.

EDIT:
Oh, and my amigos at http://www.commandofans.com/ added it to their fanart gallery. (Just click on the 'Fan Creations' link on the left)
If you enjoy that film, then you MUST stop by.

CORALINE

2009-08-02T14:57:00.006+10:00

I have just met an amazing young lady.
Her name...is Caroline.
Oops, sorry. CORAline.
A simple mistake, but a mistake nonetheless, and when I am speaking of such high-quality storytelling as Coraline most definitely is; I do not wish to trigger and launch my avalanche of praise with a mere mistake. No matter how simple.
Speaking of mistakes, errors, general oversights or false beliefs; allow me to make one thing remarkably clear:
Coraline http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327597/ will (hopefully) be the film that finally sets all of the misguided souls straight and makes them understand just who it was that directed The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Henry Selick, hand in hand with Coraline, will finally be led out from the dark, musty, shadow of that other guy and into the blinding spotlight where he will receive the long overdue praise that he rightly deserves.

I loved this film.
I thought it was going to be good. I was not expecting it to be amazing.
I'll not spoil the experience for you by laying out the whole plot but I'll just say that Coraline is a young girl who discovers a seemingly perfect alternate world via a tunnel in her new home. If I say any more, plot-wise, I'll be doing you a disservice. Just go and watch the damn thing. It's simply awesome.
I'll also throw in that I love Alice In Wonderland, and this film definitely shares some of the same ingredients. But please know that Selick and Neil Gaiman (who wrote the original novella) have baked a completely different cake with Coraline.
I have to be honest with myself; it's better than Alice In Wonderland...and that's saying a lot coming from me.
It's better than Pan's Labyrinth. (You heard me.)
It's better than Labyrinth. (Sorry, Bowie.)
Coraline has easily taken the crown from these previous works of the 'girl in fantasy world' genre and confidently sits upon the throne as queen.
I do believe she will enjoy a very long reign, indeed.

(Sorry, Alice. Coraline is the better film.)

Coraline is like being in a fantastic dream...but then you wake up and the real world is just as fascinating. This film does not suffer from a condition that I call 'Matrix Syndrome', where the real world within a story is ridiculously bland and tasteless compared to the fantasy realm. This is often the case in tales that involve 2 separate worlds and one can often find themselves saying, “Holy crap. PLEASE return to the magical and interesting postcode.”
Because, really; once you've seen a guy flip off walls and pull an entire catalogue of martial arts moves out of his ass...you're really not in the mood to then watch them sit around in a tin can...in the dark...and eat oatmeal or dance in a cave.
For 3 movies.

(Stop discussing baking and do a jump kick.)

Thankfully, (for the audience) Coraline's real world is just as intriguing as her 'other' world and there is no sense of dilution or begrudging tolerance whenever we're watching her everyday life.
As soon as the film began...with an unsettling opening credit sequence involving rag-doll surgery...my senses were locked on a variety of settings ranging from wonder, awe and pure childlike fascination. I marvelled at the stop-mo animation (that still manages to look badass in a market flooded by CG), delighted in the brilliant score (that reminded me of the classic Peter and The Wolf vibe of individual pieces and musical themes for individual characters) and allowed myself to become fully immersed in Coraline's adventures.
...Then something changed.
Coraline, and myself, started to feel...a tad suspicious about things that we were seeing and hearing.
There seemed to be a dark shadow to accompany every light.
There was a bittersweet aftertaste to our surroundings.
Subtle hints popped up like a forced smile or a stuffed octopus playfully saying that it wants to “hug your face”.
...Really, octopus? Soooo...like, suffocate me? Interesting.
It was a sense of foreboding that you couldn't quite latch your fingers around and get a solid grip upon, but it was there.
And it was growing.
I believe that particular unspeakable sense of menace that dwells behind the warm, friendly, candy-scented world is one of the main reasons why this film is so damn exceptional.
If you're gonna make a memorable kids movie, you must accept the darkness.
Just look at old Grimm's fairytales and such. Nice old lady makes a delicious home of candy and baked goods? Yeah? Wonderful.

That bitch wanted to EAT children.

(Bake? She has no arms. Her story is full of holes, kids.)

Hansel and Gretel is a classic, yo. And for good reason.
Stories like that stand the test of time because they have the balls to call it like it is.
The life of a child is not all happiness, naps and sandwiches sans crusts.
There's drama to be found in the playground, folks.
I remember when I was a kid. You believed that there were all kinds of unspeakable shit living within your closet, beneath your bed...and within the old wooden crate in the woods that stunk of old meat and shrieked when you threw rocks at it. Timmy said not to go near it, but what did he know? His mum was a drunk and she screamed at the leaves while raking.

...Ahem.

My point is, that generally, the best kinds of children's story, fairytale, junior fiction and so forth that go down in history as classics are the ones that EMBRACE and acknowledge the dark, evil and sinister sides of life that are present at all times...EVEN during childhood.
Coraline is one such story that is undoubtedly destined to become a classic.
Now that a film like this exists, current and future generations of young girls and daughters are going to be able to respond without thinking twice when asked what their favourite film is.

Hell, I'm a 28 year old guy and this film made me feel like I was 13 again. I wanted to hang out with Coraline and explore her new home until we were called in for dinner time.
Then do it all over again.

HIGHLY recommended.

WILD AT HEART

2009-07-26T18:30:00.008+10:00

Ugh.
Apologies for the extended pause in broadcast, ladies and gentlemen.
I entered a T-Shirt design competition and had the bulk of my free time consumed by that task.
I have submitted my entry though, so now I can resume my regular onslaught of film-flavoured text.
And any other flavour of text that happens to suit my mood, really. Let's keep things loose.
For today, the main course is going to be deliciously Lynchian, if you will, for I watched Wild At Heart http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100935/ again the other night.
It had been far too long since last I saw it and, frankly, my mind was unprepared.
I remembered it being an awesome film (one of my favourite Lynch works), yet my recollection of just how unsettling it can be was less than crystalline.
Allow me to remove the cobwebs from the minds of those of you out there who have forgotten the brilliance of this particular tale or simply tantalise readers out there who have yet to see it. Perhaps I can persuade you to hop in the convertible and ride along with Sailor and Lula on this bizarre, Wizard of Oz-stained jaunt...

THE COOL:

- Sailor Ripley.
Some people always want to play the “I Hate Nicolas Cage” card when they speak to me.
This baffles me.
Then it angers me.
Then things usually get blurry and I don't regain consciousness until I hear the sobering melody of police sirens mixed with the terrified shrieks of onlookers.
Confusion and out-of-body violent experiences need not be the only course one must choose when confronted by some vapid schmuck who is blind to The Cage's obvious levels of awesome.
Nowadays, thanks to a mixture of maturity and colourful medication, I've found that I can nullify all Nicolas Cage negativity by simply saying the name “Sailor Ripley”.
This is possibly my favourite Cage performance of all time. The character is amazing and his personality, visual style and general screen presence just oozes an aura of cool so badass that should you lick the screen while watching Sailor (and I recommend doing so), the transferred coolness properties would make you instantly irresistible to any and all women and you would be envied by God.

(That jacket's not enough, Red.)

I wish I was Sailor Ripley.
If not, then I wish he was my friend.
Hell, I'd even accept having him as an enemy, merely in the hope that one day he'd feel the urge to punch me in the face and I'd get the chance to smell the rich, intoxicating scent of his snakeskin jacket.

- Ahhhh, the snakeskin jacket.
Sailor Ripley will confidently say that “this here jacket represents a symbol of my individuality and my belief in personal freedom.”
Yes it does, Sailor. It does, indeed.
Everything is better in life when you're wearing a snakeskin jacket.
Hitler, Gargamel, Edward Cullen, Michael Cera, the ghosts in Pac-Man and various other great losers in history; you know what they all have in common?
Correct. They don't have a snakeskin jacket.
I'm not saying that said jacket would eradicate their loser-based shortcomings, but it would have at least momentarily distracted people from their unpleasantness as they stood for a few moments and uttered, “That is one fine-looking jacket.”
I'm not speaking nonsense, y'all. Such a powerful garment would improve your life in such a way that you'll claim it was fabricated by enchanted elves.
Enchanted elves on crack.
Try it yourself. (The jacket, not crack. NOBODY should do crack. That's only for losers and...elves.)
But seriously; try it. Next time you go to apply for a bank loan, wear a snakeskin jacket and punctuate the ensemble with a few well-placed high kicks in tight pants.
I guarantee you'll walk out of there with a massive wad of cash and the bank manager's daughter's phone number.
If not, then the bank manager is a bitter fool who just WISHES HE had a snakeskin jacket.
...Or he's an elf.
Try another bank.

(If the bank manager is William Fichtner, do not mess with him. He's pure awesome.)

- During the film, Sailor Ripley has a tendency to unleash a maelstrom of impromptu high kicks in tight pants with a powerful level of enthusiasm. This can even take place alongside a lonely stretch of highway and he is usually spurred on by speed metal accompanied by the encouraging shouts and seductive dancing by his loyal gal, Lula.
Personally, I approve of these kicks, and I feel that some other weaker films could have been improved considerably had their directors been so inclined. For example; Transformers 2 was toxic garbage not fit for inbred mountain folk. But throw in some high kicks and speed metal with Megan Fox and who knows how many Oscars it could have taken home.

- David Patrick Kelly has a small part in this movie and he was in COMMANDO as Sully. Excellent.

(I couldn't find a good Sully picture, so here's Matrix feeding a deer.)

Speaking of COMMANDO http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088944/...you should go and watch it. I'll wait.

- Lula Fortune is a quality broad. That's the kind of loyal girlfriend that you want at your side when the going gets tough, stringy and difficult to chew. She's a gal who will give you “rockin' good news” and claims that she's hotter than Georgia asphalt. Now, I've never visited Georgia, therefore I cannot claim any first-hand knowledge regarding the temperature of its street surfaces. Nonetheless, I'm guessing it can get pretty warm and any dame that thus describes her libido with such colourful, albeit geographically-specific, language is worthy of thumbs upward in my book. Besides, she's more than happy to eat a candy necklace in a seedy motel room. That's a classy date. None of this diamonds and pearls nonsense.

THE TERRIFYING:

- Lula may be a straight up quality lady...but her mother is very different beast. This hag is an absolute nightmare. She's the kind of classy wench that will get liquored up good and proper during a high-school dance and try to slur her way through the shaky steps required to seduce her OWN DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND. Nice one, Ma. When things don't go her way; in order to save some face, mother dearest undertakes the only sane and mature course of action available to her...she pays a sleazy knife-wielding gent to gut Sailor in front of her own daughter. Never being one to shy away from prom night violence, Sailor logically defends himself and ends this pleasant evenings affairs by caving in the skull of Sleazy McKnife while grinning maniacally and accompanied by yet more speed metal.
Now, who's prom night WASN'T like that?
Cherish those memories, kids.

- The violin and spotlight lady. She comes out of nowhere like the creepy homeless guy from Mulholland Drive http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0166924/. I don't want to continue typing about her. I don't even want to think about her any longer. She will become a greasy stain upon your mind. You've been warned.

- Mr Reindeer. What...the...hell? This guy organises hits while strippers strip and is partial to enjoying a hard drink while taking a shit. I wish I made that following sequence of events up...but I did not.

- Poor George McFly. I cannot watch the Back To The Future series now without imagining that there is a deleted scene where Marty travels back in time and catches his own father placing cockroaches on his anus.
Sure, you think I'm making this up.
Too much Slurpee and peyote the jury would say.
But I speak the truth, damn it. Crispin Glover's unsettling performance as Dell will leave quite an impression, believe me. Whether filling his undergarments with insects or simply making his lunch, this character will infect your mind for weeks to follow.

“Great Scott, Marty! What is your father doing?”

- Some small children claim that the Boogeyman is going to get them, while some adults fear the arrival of the Grim Reaper and even a select few of savvy individuals remain concerned that one evening Krang will enter their homes and make an egg-filled nest in their refrigerator.

(What a horrible creature.)

While these are all rational fears, there is one phobia which must take the throne and look down upon the others below like soiled, festering wretches.
The name of that fear...is Bobby Peru.

(I cannot caption. I'm paralyzed by fear.)

Gaze upon his potent visage. Allow this infectious image of terror to nest deep within your mind.
There is no help for any of us now.
Once you have seen Bobby, there is no salvation.
Booze only makes him multiply...like a bank-robbing, stocking-covered Gremlin.
Drugs only make him stronger. Bobby laughs at your pathetic prescriptions.
Religion only amuses Lord Peru. The sound of your prayers will be drowned out by the sick laughter that echoes off the walls of your mind in which he dwells.
Therapy is a fool's last refuge. Mention the name Bobby Peru in your first session and your therapist will calmly inform their secretary to cancel any remaining sessions...before proceeding to burn the office down and take their own life with the simple aim of preserving their own Bobby-free consciousness.
Trust me. I've tried. You have to learn to live with Bobby in your mind. Good luck.

That's all for now. I feel dirty after writing this, actually. This film has that certain after-taste. It's one of those cinematic experiences that leaves you feeling grimy. It's an awesome film, believe me...it just makes you want a long shower afterwards. That way the soothing water can wash away the sticky residue of memories involving angry chicks with leg-braces, fathers burning alive, uncles with boundary issues and Bobby Peru.
...Actually, I apologise. That last comment gives you a sense of false hope.
You will NEVER forget Bobby Peru.
I'm really sorry.

DISTRICT 9

2009-07-09T10:51:00.005+10:00

This trailer does things to me.
It triggered a chemical reaction deep within the nucleus of every cell within my being that led to a sense of pleasure that; should that euphoric data be recorded, the lab technician responsible would be found slumped over his console in a catatonic state, for he would've witnessed nothing short of pure, unrefined AWESOME.

Back when I saw Blomkamp's trailer on YouTube, I was impressed.
Then I saw some bite-sized pieces of his short films, and my respect grew greater.
So, ever since I heard about District 9, I have been eagerly awaiting its arrival.
Now thanks to this trailer, I'm actually beginning to salivate.

I pray to Crom, The Four Winds, Charlton Heston and any other god-like beings to hear my cry and allow some Hollywood studio suit/exec to read this blog.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE somebody organise it so that Neill Blomkamp is given the honour of making a Half-Life 2 movie. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Half-Life_2

Now I'm going to go and keep watching the trailer over and over until I pass into a happy-coma.

WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT

2009-07-01T15:30:00.003+10:00

Allow me to say now, that if you are definitely against animated films because you consider them “just for kids” and beneath you, and you wish to remain staunchly opposed to any contrary viewpoints; then so be it.
To each his own, and all that.
Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.
And here comes mine...
If your mind is foolishly calibrated as such, regarding animated films, then I can only hope that in the near future a hobo lunges from the darkness and stabs you in an alley that has been marinated in urine and various juices of other unfortunates. Then later on when another 'lonely' transient discovers and eagerly examines your body, the only reason they will NOT violate your corpse sexually is because they will have found that you have explosively soiled yourself in your pre-death panic.
Charming.
If that series of events does not happen to befall you, then congrats. Lucky you. Cup the nearest leprechaun, or whatever.
One fact shall remain; you're still a moron and you're still missing out on many brilliant animated films.

One such brilliant film is Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Yes, it is a hybrid of live-action and animation, but I have still been unfortunate enough to hear savages grunt that they'd not watch it because it's “just a cartoon.”
Understandably, such savages would have stopped (slowly) reading my blog quite some time ago, but for those of you out there who are interested, behold the following compilation of reasons why this film is worth not only your time, but a place amongst your film collection.

- Doing animation at university taught me two valuable lessons:
1. No hot chicks study animation.
2. If I was an animator, I'd probably kill myself...or be stabbed by a hobo.
Animating is uber-annoying, yo. It's just not for me.
I hated 'doing' it...but I definitely respect it. And it is that respect, and understanding of the tedious nature of the craft, that allows me to heap praise upon this achievement.
An achievement which I am going to heavily credit to a man named Richard Williams. He was the animation director on this film and what he managed to do was flat-out genius, all during a time that was pre-fancy CGI trickery.
I cannot praise his work enough. The guy basically turned water into wine and then animated the wine and made it look freaking awesome. If Jesus was around, he'd say, “Fuck, this might be the wine talking, but that is some sweet animation, mang.”

(This is the only Jesus I believe in)

If Roger Rabbit doesn't make you put Richard Williams on your Xmas card list, then definitely check out his film, The Princess and the Cobbler http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112389/
Oh, and after that, watch Aladdin again. It'll open your eyes, ladies and gents.
We all see what you did, Disney. Bad form.

- The score alone is remarkable. Solid double-bass that bounces along and lends atmosphere and a strange blend of both playfulness and mystery. I wouldn't say that it is my favourite Alan Silvestri score, (PREDATOR wears that crown, yo) but it most definitely deserves recognition.

- Bob Hoskins' performance as Eddie Valiant. This was the first film in which I saw Hoskins and for years I thought he was American due to this flawless display and perfect accent. The guy is amazing. Sure, the animation alone is an absolutely mind-blowing achievement for its time, but Hoskins was one of the main reasons why it was so effective and convincing. Keep in mind that NONE of those animated 'co-stars' were actually there. Yes, there were place-holder maquettes so that eye-lines and blocking could be maintained, but a rubber dummy is not going to give you live feedback and reactions from which Hoskins could play off, and or, react to.
He basically mimed the entire film, people. That's impressive.
Constantly think about that when next you watch it. It feels like Roger is physically present alongside Eddie every step of the way. All thanks to Hoskins' work. He reels from impact, convincingly struggles and generally interacts with Roger as if he were absolutely tangible. He manages to convey a sense of weight and presence for a fictional rabbit sidekick that most actors these days (with the help of MILLIONS of dollars worth of CGI effects) never even come close to.
Every time I watch Eddie Valiant and Roger, I am reminded of how lazy most CGI-assisted performances are these days and how the story of an alcoholic private eye and a wacky, cuckold rabbit is infinitely more convincing with its classy 2D animation techniques than nearly every mega-budget CGI circus that rolls in and infects our towns every week.
I understand that, for its time, Roger Rabbit would have been considered a “mega-budget”, effects-heavy film, similar to those I have recently criticized. That being said; what separates this excellent film from the bulk of absolutely horrid, expensive cinematic abominations is the simple fact that despite having impressive effects work, Who Framed Roger Rabbit did not ignore that vital ingredient known as 'acting' or 'performance'.
Oh yeah, and after such an impressive piece of work, Bob Hoskins didn't even get nominated for an Oscar.
Weak, y'all.

(Bob Hoskins + 2 more reasons why this film is excellent)

- Jessica Rabbit is a marvelous cinematic creation. She is portrayed as a highly sexualized, adulterous, homicidal nympho who likes to play heavy-breathing 'patty cake' with balding men in bad suits and professes her innocence with the golden line, “I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.”
Outstanding.
Oh, she's also married to a rabbit and from that I can only hypothesize that she's either open-minded enough to be giving bestiality a big thumbs-up or she simply has rabbit-like stamina and enthusiasm in the bedroom.
Either way, folks, she's a classy gal and I've always been impressed by the fact that such a busty and risque character, that was almost dripping in mature themes was allowed to seductively bounce across the screen in...a Disney film.
I can only imagine what a Jessica Rabbit ride would be like at Disneyland. Long queues of men would fill those winding lines, yo.
Sigh.
It was nice back in the day when movies had some balls and every film didn't feel like the writer was wearing some politically-correct handcuffs.

- If somebody told you that they recommended a film which heavily featured weasels, you'd probably just increase the volume on your iPod and eagerly anticipate the arrival of the bus, thus providing you with some means of escape from this rodent-loving, station freak.
Fear not, though, when I now inform you that Who Framed Roger Rabbit stars a group of sleazy, animated, mercenary-deputy weasels who wear zoot suits, spats (Hell yes) and eagerly serve a master who relishes in the murder of cute cartoon creatures. One of these weasels is even garbed in a straight-jacket and carries a straight razor, as he and his cohorts slither throughout their scenes and cackle like coked-up hyenas in strip club. (NOTE TO SELF: Write film that includes coke-head hyenas in a titty bar. Nice)
Strangely, I have never found a cute Disney plush-toy of any of these psychotic weasels. Hmmm.
Merchandising oversights aside, these weasels are great characters. I've always been especially fond of the scene where the leader interrogates Eddie while he does his dirty laundry in the sink. The animated weasel manages to carry a real revolver and threatens Valiant by splashing the sink water just before he leaves...and it all looks like the weasel is actually in the apartment. Brilliant.

- Christopher Lloyd is one of those actors who is criminally underused in films these days. Just watch his performance here as Judge Doom and you'll see what I mean. Most people would say that his Doc Brown from Back to the Future is his best character...and I would be inclined to agree. However, Judge Doom is more than worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as that memorably wild-eyed, time travelling scientist. His cold, unflinching presence lends a sense of unease to every scene he creeps into and from the first moment he appears, you feel as if something is just not right with this gent who employs the aforementioned weasel police force and takes a quiet pleasure in every aspect of his daily job...which happens to include watching a cute, little animated shoe as he murders it on screen by dipping it into a vat of toxic chemicals specifically designed to kill toons.
That's right, kids, we get to witness as this harmless creature begs and pleads through puppy-like whimpers and desperate eyes as it is melted, painfully, into oblivion.
Thanks, Disney. Release a special edition that includes a gift voucher for child therapy sessions next, please.

Robert Zemeckis has also mentioned recently that he's thought about doing a sequel to Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Would I like to see this? Yes and no.
Yes, because I'd love to revisit this world and so forth...but also no, because it isn't really necessary and in this day and age, it would probably be drowned by CGI and the cinema police would never allow animated characters to be this mature and involved in such adult affairs.
Cause, cartoons are just for kids, right?

Ugh. I'm going for a walk. I hope a hobo stabs me.

"CARTOONS!"

THE LAST GUARDIAN

2009-06-22T12:51:00.004+10:00

It started with ICO.
It continued with Shadow of the Colossus.
Now I am going to fall in love for a third time, with The Last Guardian.

THE HANGOVER

2009-06-16T20:49:00.003+10:00

Okay, I just saw The Hangover.
All I'm going to say is that it involves a scene where someone tries to drug a tiger by giving it a steak filled with date-rape drugs.
(You should already be grabbing your car keys, after that sentence)
The man preparing the spiked beef is questioned as to why he is bothering to season it with pepper.
This man responds in a calm and serious manner with the following line:

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon."

That man looks like this:

This awesome gentleman is referred to, at one point, as "Fat Jesus".
If the prospect of seeing a drugged jungle-cat and a plump, Christ-like oaf in Vegas shenanigans does not have you hastily purchasing tickets, then I cannot help you.
Perhaps some other blog will provide you with the cultural and entertainment nourishment that you require.

Now personally, in a Vegas-set comedy, I expect to see WAY more tits than what was displayed here, but hey, maybe that's just me being high-brow. Nonetheless, it's a pretty decent comedy that is made memorable by the aforementioned oafish performance by Zach Galifianakis.
High praise to you indeed, sir.

GAMES

2009-06-15T13:33:00.003+10:00

This game has been cooking for so long that I thought it was about time we either caught a whiff of something delcious...or the putrid stench of rotting culinary failure.
Fortunately, it looks like Alan Wake is going to serve up some tasty gaming indeed.
The foreboding atmosphere on display is exceptional and I am in love with the way the light burns away enemies like embers.
Classy stuff, yo.

Assassin's Creed II cannot arrive soon enough.
The first game was a remarkable experience and its story alone is enough to make me salivate. Venice, swimming, flight, twin-blades, more weapons, day/night cycle; it is gonna be a buffet of awesome, folks.

I had not seen, nor heard, anything that really blew my skirt up relating to this game.
Then a fellow Jedi sent this link to me. Well, consider my Jedi robes, skirt AND undergarments appropriately blown up.
If the game is anything like what is on display in this amazing trailer, then I am definitely on board.
It also, yet again, proves that the Star Wars universe is most impressive when it is NOT in the hands of Beardy.
Hand over the keys, Lucas.
Let somebody else drive.

TERMINATOR SALVATION

2009-06-13T20:38:00.004+10:00

You know how when there's nothing decent at the video store so you just rent some sexy thriller from the Weekly section and then hungrily skip chapters or fast forward until you reach the scenes where the hot dame gets her jugs out for the private detective, bounty hunter, security guard...or all of the above?

(This is not what I meant by 'sexy thriller')

Well, that basic process is exactly why I suggest y'all wait for DVD to watch Terminator Salvation. Then you can comfortably skip along through this nonsense and get to the good parts.
Except instead of hunting for scenes of oiled-up booby action, you will be keeping your eyes peeled for any of the scenes where Christian Bale is absent.
(After that, you could then skip through The Dark Knight as well, cause Bale ruined that horribly overrated flick too. The Joker and Two-Face were the only reasons to even press PLAY, y'all. Face it. I speak the truth.)
Speaking of overrated things that like to grumble, complain and yell; let's give special mention to Christian Bale shall we?
In fact, let's break it down into a simple mathematical equation that would please Miles Bennett Dyson:

(Terminator Salvation) – (Christian Bale) = (Decent Sci-Fi Flick)

I'm not saying that The Bale is the only problem with this movie, but let me just say that his John Connor is the most noticeable piece of trash that sits the highest; rotting in the sun, upon this towering mass of expensive, wasteful garbage.
Put on your gloves, folks, for we're about to pick through the debris...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE:
- Sam Worthington is awesome. It is fitting that this instalment of the Terminator franchise is dubbed 'Salvation', as Worthington's character Marcus, does his best to save this weak, unnecessary picture.
He generally succeeds in this task too, as the scenes involving Marcus are the only ones worth watching and the only scenes in which you're not more concerned with your popcorn. From lunging off an exploding bridge at a flying HK while brandishing an axe to escaping a mined compound, Marcus gets the best action scenes (and the best scenes in general) throughout the movie.
This is Marcus' film, not Connor's. End of story.

"I agree. This IS my film. ...The girl too."

Worthington displays the right blend of badass toughness, confused loneliness, a sprinkle of humour and a riveting screen presence that adds up to create a performance that absolutely blows Bale off the screen...and I expected as much. I have been praising this guy since I first saw him in Dirty Deeds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0280605/ back in 2002.
Whenever I'd mention him to people over the years they'd usually respond with, “Who?”
Now they can at least respond with, “Who? Oh, the guy who was the only good thing in Terminator Salvation?”
The plus side is that this film will raise his profile, so that audiences can be better prepared for the carnival of awesome that will be James Cameron's AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ where Worthington is apparently in EVERY scene.
Nice.

- T-600 model Terminators are badass. They're like big, stumbling drunk stepfathers that stagger in on Xmas eve and open fire on the dog, the tree and the eggnog bowl with a high-calibre mini gun before cursing their boss, soiling themselves and collapsing into the pile of presents. They should have had a bunch of these things just aimlessly wandering in and out of the film as comic relief. You'd see one staggering around in the background of a really dramatic scene and it'd just happily go about its business of shooting at rocks and wildlife with reckless abandon until it either clumsily tripped and toppled over giggling...or Christian Bale yelled at it for being in the shot.
It would probably just cry and shut down its circuits until the big, bad, loud human left and it could resume it's happy adventure of plodding along with a joyful stride, a spinning chain-gun of death and whistling a happy tune.

- Kyle Reese was pretty decent.
When I heard Anton Yelchin was going to play Reese, I was indifferent.
Then, after I had seen Yelchin's performance in the new Star Trek, I felt like stabbing myself in the armpit with a corkscrew.
Luckily, Yelchin brought his A-game to his Reese performance. At first, I felt like he was just playing some young guy who just happened to be named Reese to please the fans, but then as the film went on, I could really believe that this kid would grow up to be the badass Kyle Reese that Michael Biehn created on the screen so memorably. Young Reese's speech about survival to other prisoners was particularly effective and contained a strong Biehn vibe, in my opinion.
Well done, Yelchin. You did the character proud.

- The T-800 and Arnold's 'cameo', so to speak, were kind of cool. Sure, the CG looked a little off with his face, but I figured that it's supposed to be a robot wearing skin...NOT a human, so I was okay with this minor hiccup.
No harm – No foul.

HUMANS ARE DOOMED:
- At one point, John Connor hot-wires a motorbike robot thing while playing 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns N Roses on his still-functioning 90's boom-box and reminding us all that Edward Furlong gave a superior performance in Terminator 2 when he wasn't even an actor and that we should all be watching that awesome film instead of this crap.
After the hasty, and surprisingly simple hacking of the aforementioned 2-wheeled death-machine, John then proceeds to ride the robot – NOT BIKE, kids; ROBOT – along the highway like freakin' Peter Fonda.
Hey John, ...uh, where's the seat and the handlebars? Because Skynet would not have catered to human comfort, controls or transportation when designing this sleek, efficient, highway-patrolling death-bike created solely for the purpose of KILLING HUMANS. If you're going to give me that whole riding scene, then you damn well better give me an ensuing comedy montage sequence where Connor constantly falls off the bike over and over again at high speed and suffers horrible injuries as the road surface shreds his squishy human flesh...WITH an accompanying score of upbeat banjo music.
Serve up bullshit, you better make sure it's funny bullshit, McG. Just like your name.
Oh, snap.

- Why was one of the T-600s wearing a bandanna?
I hope that there is a deleted scene out there that involves a couple of Skynets design + construction robots engaged in a conversation regarding the T-600's accessories:
Robot 1: “The humans will surely recognise this model.”
Robot 2: “Humans are simple creatures. This looks like a human to me. I fail to see the problem.”
Robot 1: “...It has no skin.”
Robot 2: “Excellent observation. Suggestions? ...A wristwatch, perhaps?”
Robot 1: “I'm thinking more along the lines of headwear.”
Robot 2: “Bandanna?”
Robot 1: “Bandanna.”
(Both robots vibrate in approval)
Robot 2: “We are totally going to get promoted.”

- There is a giant, pissed-off, building-sized, walking robot that stomps across the post-apocalyptic landscape and collects humans like Pokemon.
Fair enough.
Now, I'm no scientist *GASP!* but even I feel confident enough to go out on a limb and boldly hypothesize that such a colossal mechanised abomination would make some kind of sound.
But no.
This towering, metallic nightmare is capable of a stealthy approach that makes one assume its crushing hooves of steel are covered by sound-dampening, fluffy, bunny slippers.
One minute the humans are hanging about in a stylish abandoned gas-station and then, before anyone can say “Thank you, I'd love some of these old vegetables that you've kept in a dirty, unrefrigerated basement.”, the roof is ripped open and Biggy McRobot appears via teleportation or some other equally-silent mode of transportation.

(As whisper-quiet as a harmless household appliance, apparently)

- At one point, John Connor gets attacked by some hydro-bot things that look like big mechanical eels.
In fact, they're reminiscent of the shrieking eels from The Princess Bride. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/
The only difference being that The Princess Bride is a kickass movie, while this, on the other hand, is not.
Ol' Johnny Boy soon starts to get quite flustered by these wiggling opponents and I couldn't understand why he didn't just climb out of the WAIST-DEEP water and pick them all off from the safety of the river bank.
C'mon, Bale, at least yell at them.

(These guys could handle evil shrieking eels. John Connor, however, could not)

- Bale is a joke.
Media hype and outburst aside; he brings absolutely nothing to the table here.
Also, there was not a single meaty scene involving Bale and Bryce that could even come close to hoping to justify Bale's outburst. Where is this amazing scene or shot that was in such dire peril of being destroyed by a crew member entering your eye-line and shattering your delicate focus, huh?
Pathetic.
The performance was absolute rubbish and Bale has managed to stain yet another awesome character on the screen.

“Skynet is hunting humans...not BATS! I'm a genius, Mom.”

Edward Furlong is still the best John Connor to date and it is insulting to his work, and the franchise, to think that his John could grow up into the bland, stale jackass that Bale has portrayed here.
Every time a robot caused John pain, I smiled.
Hell, halfway through this film, my buddy and I started cracking jokes and basically holding up sports-supporter flags that said, “GO, SKYNET, GO!”
Now, I'm not gonna waste any more words on Bale and his rant and so forth. Enough has been said and I couldn't care less now. It's just a shame that this is performance is yet another lame roadside attraction on the downward slope of cracked highway that seems to be Bale's career of late.
I actually used to be a MASSIVE Bale fan.
I love American Psycho.
The Machinist is excellent, he more than held his own in The Prestige and I think I'm probably the only person that likes Reign of Fire.
However, when I consider his attitude in relation to his rant and such, plus the fact that his performances have been getting worse instead of better, I have to be honest with myself and admit that he isn't the awesome actor he used to be anymore.
Could he turn it all around? Of course he could, and I would actually welcome that.
But I'm not gonna become a fan again just because that's the trendy thing to do. Just as I am not anti-Bale now simply because it's the flavour of the month.
It's all about decency and facts, yo.
His Batman is terrible, his John Connor is pathetic and if my best friend said stuff like Bale did to that crew member, then I'd even call my friend a dickhead.

Bah. To hell with this film.
If Sarah Connor was here, she'd stab Bale in the knee with a ballpoint pen for this.

I HATE MORBIUS

2009-06-09T11:48:00.006+10:00

Praise the gods.
A producer has confirmed that Morbius The Living Vampire will NOT be the villain in Spider-Man 4.
This pleases me greatly.
I could not hate Morbius more even if I underwent a genetic experiment that drastically increased the power of my hate gland.

(Jazz hands? Throw in a sparkly Twilight vamp and you've got a Vegas-worthy stage show)

The guy is just rubbish.
He prances about with his kiddie Halloween costume-style bat wings and displays an unnecessary amount of chest. Oh, he also does nothing but bitch and moan about being a vampire. Yeah, that's refreshing.
The only way I would accept Morbius' presence in Spider-man 4, is if he appears in the first scene, goes to say something to Spidey...but then Wesley Snipes – not Blade – Wesley fucking Snipes, shows up and stabs Morbius to death with a wooden stake until his arm cramps up.
All before the opening credits.
Spider-Man would then tell Snipes that he was badass in Demolition Man and the entire audience would nod in approval.

“I really WAS badass in Demolition Man. Thank you, Parker.”

Then they just have to include an awesome Rhino bank-robbery scene where he's scoring cash for Dr. Connors/The Lizard so that he can continue his research, and we've got the foundation for some solid viewing, folks.

(Just imagine this guy tearing up the New York streets. It'd be awesome)

(Just imagine this guy tearing up the New York...er, swamps? Okay, but you get the idea)

Oh, and they REALLY need to introduce Felicia Hardy/Black Cat soon.
She's an amazing character that needs to take the place of Dunst's stale Mary Jane who, unfortunately, is returning.

(Somebody please phone Scarlett Johansson)

SUPERNATURAL

2009-06-08T18:35:00.007+10:00

I finally caught up on my Supernatural viewing.
...Basically.
I just have to watch Season 4 now.
I had only seen the first season and I was stuck on that damn cliffhanger ending for what seemed like an eternity. However, I have travelled further down the road alongside the Brothers Winchester now and what a fine journey it has been.
...Even though I have ANOTHER cliffhanger to deal with.
Awesome.

No harm, though. I can wait. A tale this good is more than worthy and most definitely warrants my patience.
I have been thoroughly impressed, thus far.
I thought the first season was damn good, but the following adventures just continue to add more and more depth to this escalating war between evil, demonic hell-spawn and two good brothers who like shotguns and drive a pimp Impala that is so mind-numbing in its awesomeness that I would not be surprised if the final episode of this entire series revealed that the unholy denizens of Hell actually just wanted Dean's sweet ride.
Just look at this thing. Understandable, no?

(Give me this car, and I'll ass-slap Lucifer myself)

The show has also noticeably increased its violence levels and intensity; which is more than welcome. The brothers go up against a buffet of nightmarish entities that do some pretty unsavoury things to people all in the name of fun and mayhem. The brothers therefore must unload double-barrels of salty justice to return the favour.
Dad would be proud.
I don't want to see Sam and Dean teach a 'confused' ghost the error of its haunting ways by way of a stern lecture and maybe a comforting hug.
Fuck that noise.

(He probably just ate the skin off someone's grandmother. Prick)

The unyielding approach to violence, the quality of the writing and the EXCELLENT performances by both Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles has also thrown some refreshing illumination upon the dark, rotten and undoubtedly haunted house that represents the current state of horror films these days. I enjoyed myself more with one season of this show than with every horror film I've seen in the past year combined.
Sad but true.

I have to give praise to Ackles again, yo. This guy is just badass. If they ever get around to making a TV show based on The Walking Dead comic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Walking_Dead , then Ackles would make a solid Rick Grimes.

(This series is epic. Start reading it, y'all)

There is one other factor that has made Supernatural worthy of my undivided attention.
Her name is Ruby.

(Give me this girl, and I'll ass-slap Lucifer myself)

What can I say? I'm a sucker for blonde, knife-wielding hotties who have a healthy dose of sass and demonic lineage.

TWILIGHT

2009-06-03T21:17:00.009+10:00

Well, well, well.
I finally saw Twilight, folks.
Let's get straight into it and look at the good and the bad, shall we?
(NOTE: I haven't read the books and I do not intend to. I've never been a fan of the whole 'romantic vampires' nonsense. I'm not into vampires that see humans as potential dates instead of buffets.)

THE GOOD:
- The locations and the weather. What a cool town. I love the whole gloomy overcast vibe. Nice and atmospheric. That's my kind of place. I mean, besides all of the vampires. ...Actually, screw that. Who cares about these so-called 'vampires'. These guys are an insular little tribe of blow-dried pansies. Get the Frog Brothers round for the weekend and we could wreck every one of these clowns before you could say “Watch me stab this Next Top Model in the scrotum.”
(Oh, and if y'all don't get that Frog Brothers reference, then you're probably reading the wrong blog)

“What do you mean they fucking sparkle?”

- At one point a friendly Asian guy tries to impress Bella through the ancient courtship practice of presenting a large earthworm to her on a stick as he cackles with glee.
Bella is unimpressed.
I dunno, man; chicks these days.

- Alice Cullen is hot. Edward would be better off ignoring Bella and simply go about adding 'cursed family incest' to his growing resume of unsavoury extra-curricular activities which currently includes breaking and entering, blood drinking and...uh, reckless driving.

(She rips the head off an 'evil' vampire. Awww, cute)

- I quite liked the way that Edward describes himself as being the prefect predator and how he is 'designed to kill'. He mentions his looks and his scent and how they're designed to be inviting and draw the prey in. It's an interesting angle on the predator & prey dynamic that I had not seen before.
Unfortunately, here it's just a fragment of one little scene, whereas that kind of treatment of vampire biology could potentially lay the groundwork for a really solid film.
But hey, why strive to make a quality film when they can just scribble out some damp, flimsy high-school tale about pretty people complaining about their, like, totally super-important love problems, right?

- Bella's dad was sitting there cleaning his double-barrel shotgun while getting drunk. Indeed.
It's almost like he was just WAITING to hear his ripe teen daughter utter the sentence, “Daddy, my boyfriend is a vampire. Can I have some money?”
Then Papa Swan could let his trigger do the parenting and there's nothing like booze to lubricate the tongue before speaking the phrase, “I was just protecting my family, Officer”.
Crafty bastard. The Van Helsing family would be proud.

THE BAD:
- The music is horrible. I'm not hacking on the soundtrack or anything, I'm talkin' bout the score, Willis. Bella nearly gets crushed by a vehicle before Broody McSuck rescues her. Ooooooh, can you taste the tension as the pair's eyes meet and this revelation changes everything? Wow. Tension. ...Perfect time to drop in some horribly out of place teen rock vibe in the background. Nonsense. Oh, and special mention must be made of the rising music during Eddie's introduction. It's basically saying, “Hey, morons in the audience, this guy is important. Take notes.”
Now don't blame me for the 'moronic audience' comment. Like what you wanna like, folks. I'm not insulting you. Hell, I don't need to.
This film insults it's audience more than I ever could.

- Could this movie be any more heavy-handed? I was waiting for subtitles to pop up on screen or maybe a karaoke-style bouncy ball that hops along at the bottom of the screen and says stuff like “You...Should...FEEL...(EMOTION).................NOW!”
It treated the audience like they were the dumbest collection of over-medicated, mind-crippled apes to ever accidentally stumble into a cinema (or lounge room).
They have whole scenes involving vampire lore, history and a god damned avalanche of hints...and then trusty ol' Detective Bella will confidently drop a priceless line like, “Edward is a vampire.”
...Wow. Thanks for that. All this time, I thought he was a fucking Gremlin.
Don't get him wet, dumbass.

(Possibly Edward Cullen)

- A sparkling vampire is one of the dumbest things I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing.
Didn't the writer of this book have ANY honest friends? Surely someone would've had the balls to say, “They sparkle? Really? ...I suppose they eat rainbows too? Next they'll be playing tennis together. ...What? Baseball? ...I hate you. Don't ever call me again."

- Bella surely must be dead. With the exception of her near orgasm face during her first biology class with Eddie-C, she basically shows zero signs of life throughout the films duration. What's that, Ed? You say you can't read Bella's mind? Yeah, that's cause she's brain-dead. Only white noise on that channel, yo.
There has to be a prequel coming soon that shows how she was bitten by a zombie and turned into a walking corpse.
In fact, I would totally go and see that, yo. Some saucy, zombie dame falls in love with some pretty-ass vampire gent and they hunt humans, eat flesh, drink blood, have freaky, limber undead sex and fight a legion of poetry-quoting, cannibal monks known as La Fraternite d'Os.
That's a date movie right there, folks.

- The vampires don't have fangs. Pathetic.

(Fangs AND boobs on display = Double points, sweetheart)

- I never want to see a vampire run like these twits ever again. The effects on display here would be put to shame by children's shadow-puppetry. No wait; y'know the puppets in Team America? You remember how they kind of float and bounce along to make them 'walk'? Yeah, well those puppets have a better sense of weight and are more convincing than the half-assed, bizarre, hover-mode that these vampy-wampys go into when running is required. And just wait till you see them leap amongst the trees. Hilarious. It's worse than watching Robin Williams bob along through the air in Hook.
...Hmmm, actually, Peter Pan was a boy who never grew old, had no shadow and was involved in all kinds of weird shit that would cause normal parents to raise an eyebrow.
I should write a Peter Pan flick where he's a vampire that feeds upon Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
Captain Hook could be a vampire hunter hired by Wendy's parents. He just has a disfigured left hand that never properly developed during birth, lending it a hook-like appearance. This imperfection is why, as a boy, his family was killed by vampires but he was spared. They saw his hand as a sign of imperfection and they only drink of pure blood.
There's potential there.

"Oh Peter, are you hungry?"

STATE OF PLAY (2009)

2009-06-02T18:09:00.004+10:00

I just saw State Of Play http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473705/
It's one of those movies that is fundamentally a good film, but it just isn't sticky enough to cling to the walls of your memory for too long.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I enjoyed watching it, but it just won't be getting a comfortable, well-furnished piece of real-estate on my DVD shelf when it comes out, if you catch my drift.
While there is nothing “bad” about this film it simply did not have any moments where it slapped me across the face and told me who's the boss, y'know?

(Not this time, Danza)

Russell Crowe was great as usual. He constantly delivers and he's just one of those actors that starts to feel like an old friend who you always enjoy reuniting with on-screen. He's like a guy who's always got good stories and tells them well.
Rachel McAdams also brings her refreshing, 'best-girlfriend-ever' charm to the proceedings. While her role does not require her to do much heavy-lifting or reinvent the wheel as such; she fills the character's shoes well and looks comfortable walking in them alongside a veteran like Crowe.

(This dame is front page news, yo)

I have to throw praise upon Affleck as well; especially considering another review I had read mentioned that he was the weak link, so to speak.
Utter nonsense.
Affleck is an easy target for many people I feel, and it's unfair. The guy is underrated. I just think it's a case of putting him in the right movie. Sure, he's had his low points film-wise; but the guy hits WAY more than he misses. (Check out Good Will Hunting, of course, plus Chasing Amy http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118842/ and Changing Lanes http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264472/ )
Just watch the way his character deals with some awful news in the middle of an important political hearing. His professional mask starts to crack and that small moment of weakness conveys more than a whole page of dialogue could. Affleck more than holds his own in this picture and a few of his scenes actually allow him more flair and room to stretch than some of Crowe's.
My crystal ball is in the shop at the moment, so I cannot comment about the “What If?” scenario and film that could have resulted had original stars Brad Pitt and Edward Norton remained on the project. All I can say is that you take the current players and then throw in Helen Mirren as a deadline-conscious editor under pressure, Robin Wright Penn, Jason Bateman and the always reliable Jeff Daniels and you've got no weak links in this cast, yo.
I've got no drama with Kevin Macdonald either. He directed The Last King Of Scotland http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455590/ which was an excellent piece of viewing and his involvement was one of the this film's attractions for me.

So maybe it's because I'm not Johnny Politics or maybe I should check out the original BBC miniseries, but this flick is not one that's going to stay with me long after the drive home.
A solid story was told and I had a good time along the way in the company of those involved, but I never felt that 'cinematic tingle' that let's me know when I'm watching something destined to be a classic.
But hey, that's just me.
Give it a play. It might tingle you.

YOUNG GUNS

2009-05-30T16:27:00.005+10:00

REGULATORS!
That's right, y'all. Let's talk about the Young Guns movies...

1. I've always been a tad perplexed when it came to the Regulators VS Buckshot Roberts shoot-out.
How in the hell did that one old guy gain the upper hand? He was severely outnumbered and was trapped in an outhouse.
Now, I've not read The Art Of War by Sun Tzu, but I will bet with considerable confidence that there is NOT a chapter in there that advises you to seek out a combat situation where you face greater numbers of opponents from within a flimsy, wooden shack that reeks of shit.
In fact, with the exception of flinging a near-unlimited supply of faeces at your attackers and maybe inflicting a bothersome splinter or two should they try to scale the walls of your lavatorial fortress, I can only think of one other tactical advantage that ol' Buckshot would have had.
I'm no combat strategist, but it's the best theory I've got.
Prepare thyself and behold...the moustache.

(That thing probably reloads for him)

I mean, seriously. Just look at that fucking monstrosity. I bet it probably got a pay cheque.

Anyhow, that's my only theory as to how the Regulators got schooled, but that still doesn't soften the blow. Hell, just look at it from the Regulators' point of view. Imagine explaining Charlie Sheen's character's death to his dame, if he had one:
“Uh, yeah, a violent old man who was 85% moustache shot Dick from the safety of his bullet-proof toilet.”
That would be a hard sell, I'm guessing.

2. Emilio Estevez completely owns both pictures, and that is all there is to it. His portrayal of Billy The Kid is a remarkable performance. Billy is like the most loyal, dependable and honest friend that you could ever hope to have at your side... who also happens to get blinded by revenge and kill people just as easily as he'll unleash that infectious boyish laughter of his.

(He'll be whistling soon)

Billy is a volatile cocktail of insanity and fearless ambition, and none see this with more clarity than Kiefer Sutherland's character 'Doc' Scurlock. His point of view is what leads to one of the strongest elements in these films. The Billy vs Doc dynamic is so potent because the audience starts to see Billy as Doc does.
We watch as Billy becomes a young man fuelled by a desire for justice trying to outrun the consequences of his actions that began noble but rapidly spiralled out of control as his insanity and lust for glory blinded him.
And yet his friends follow him, Doc included, because Billy's charisma and preaching about loyalty amongst 'pals' is so powerful that he inspires hope when all seems hopeless.
Also, I think we can all agree that the “Yoo-Hoo. I'll make you famous.” line is flat-out badass and says volumes about Billy and his unquenchable ego.

3. Ever noticed how Jack Palance seems to deliver lines as though he's been really exerting himself and he's just been caught doing something seedy so now he's trying to catch his breath and explain?
That always creeped me out. Even in movies like City Slickers.

4. Lou Diamond Phillips. Sigh. What the hell happened? I just don't understand. He's amazing in this and many other films (Go and watch The Big Hit. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120609/ NOW), yet he's not a bigger star. Beats me.
Chavez is a great character and Phillips brings more than his share to the table. He tears himself apart when he delivers his monologue about his butchered family in YG and his lonely walk in YG II is like watching one of your best friends leave you.
Although, I would like to know how Chavez managed to teleport in the final house siege of YG. Spirit world? Fair enough.
Teleporting? Hmmm, that's probably gonna take more peyote than is considered safe, Chavez.
Screw it. He's still awesome.

5. William Petersen is excellent as Pat Garrett. It's always sad seeing Pat and Billy part ways. Pat loves Billy like a brother, but he also has the sense to see that Billy is damaged goods and to follow him any further is to invite nothing but ruin. I'm not excusing Pat's actions or anything, mind, I'm just saying that I can understand why Pat felt he needed to sever all ties lest those ties pull him down deeper and eventually, hang him.
After Petersen gained so much exposure as Gil Grissom on CSI, I always love seeing him in his prime in stuff like this, Manhunter http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091474/ and the awesome To Live And Die In LA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090180/
If you haven't checked out Petersen in his young badass days, do so. He's exceptional.
Oh and when Pat Garrett steps out from the darkness, there's a touch of Alan Silvestri score that is rather reminiscent of Silvestri's fantastic Predator score. It actually crops up a few more times in the movie, too. (This is not a bad thing, it just got me thinking about Predators in the old west and reminded of a rumour that circulated AGES ago about Robert Rodriguez doing a new Predator movie where he'd wind the clock back and have a Predator hunt some pirates on the high seas and so forth.
I have to say; even though I'm a hardcore Predator fan and that first film is sacred to me, I'd like to see what Rodriguez could do with the franchise.
As long as he sticks to his own part of the yard, so to speak. No remake nonsense is required.)

6. Casey Siemaszko as the pugilistic Charlie has also always been a favourite character of mine. He manages to turn beating the shit out of someone into a refined, almost gentlemanly endeavour in which punching a belligerent cowboy in the face and kidneys comes off as the proper thing to do. All this from a conflict that was not even his fight. Yep, good ol' Charlie went out of his way to introduce the problem-solving wonders of fisticuffs to that situation. The man has commitment to his craft, says I.
But Charlie isn't all grammar-correction and knuckles. I've always loved the way he reacts upon realising that the path he and his friends have followed can only lead to a noose; he goes to visit a hooker.
Not for a tumble.
No, not to kidney-punch her, either.
He just wants a hug. Simple as that. It's like a boy realising that he's just been pretending to be a man.

Oh, and Casey Siemaszko was friends with Kiefer Sutherland in Stand By Me and played the guy with the 3-D glasses in Back To The Future. Why is this worth mentioning, you ask? Cause Billy Zane played his hoodlum amigo as well.

(Everybody needs a friend like Billy Zane)

FISH BASKET

2009-05-26T19:06:00.008+10:00

Now, I'm not against multiplayer gaming, as such. I enjoy a small glass of it here and there with dinner, but generally, I prefer to game solo.
I like the escapism.
It allows me to forget about the mundane, cement-like reality in which I'm stuck, where I'm not married to a pornstar nor do I fight goblins regularly with a band of trusted comrades in enchanted woodlands.

(Not my wife)

That is not to say that I whimper and cower like a moist Mogwai when a friend passes me a controller and wishes to enter the game arena hand-in-hand. Most certainly not.
In fact, I happen to have such an amigo with whom I often battle alongside, or against, depending on the scenario.
(For the sake of security and fan-mail risk, let's say my friend is...uh, Ash from Evil Dead. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083907/ Cause he's awesome.)

“Say chum, I've got a swell new game! Shall we play?”

Well, one evening, Ash informed me that a recent game he'd played had a really fun multiplayer mode.
I started to snore.
He pressed the matter and said that, “No really. It's pretty damn fun.” or something to that effect. I cannot be sure as I had begun screaming at this point.
When I paused for breath, Ash tried again and managed to utter a sentence that was so intriguing in its absurd content that I was forced to halt my planned seizure and allow him to proceed.
The sentence went a little something like this:

“C'mon, it's a plastic figure kung-fu game and you can throw fish into a basket.”

It was like hearing a magic spell. My mind was gripped by those words and the fish-throwing enthusiast inside me told me, nay, COMMANDED me to play the game that was on offer.
The game was Rag Doll Kung Fu: Fists of Plastic for the PS3.

(Punch ANYONE who interferes with your 'fish + basket' agenda)

I'm not going to get into a full-blown, dressed up review with all the trimmings and its hair done. That's not happening here, folks. I'm just here to do what I feel is proper as a writer and as a responsible member of society.
I mean, imagine if a situation came along where you had the opportunity to fling floppy, unconscious fish at a basket while some loose-jointed, leaping martial-arts nutcase bounced around with flailing menace and tried to smash you in the face with sticks, nunchaku and energy blasts all in an effort to steal your hard-earned green salmon...AND I DIDN'T inform you.
You would be a hearty bowl of pissed off, you would.
So that's why I had to share this experience with y'all. Fish-throwing needs to reach a wider audience.

And boy was it fun.

Within seconds, Ash and I were both cackling with laughter and cursing each other's bloodlines as we bounced around, kicking each other, swinging from poles, throwing fireballs, smashing pots and carrying out various other styles of buoyant mayhem.
All in the name of preventing one another from throwing a floppy, bouncing fish into a basket.

Hey, perhaps that's the magic ingredient that multiplayer games require in order to attract me.
If Modern Warfare 2 allows me to lob tuna instead of grenades, then hello Game Of The Year.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)

2009-05-24T16:07:00.007+10:00

So there I was the other night; watching the 2004 Dawn of the Dead and some elements in that enjoyable family film struck me as ripe for wise-ass commentary and witty remarks.
Enjoy.

1. Sarah Polley and Medium-Husband make out after getting aroused by power tools and the concept of dismembering the undead with said stimulating machinery. Hell, if that was all it took to score the digits from swell, classy dames like Sarah Polley then I'd have been lurking about hardware store power-tool aisles with a slack jaw, hungry thoughts and armed with my best amorous moan plus reservations for deux.

"...Is that a Husqvarna?"

Hey, it could work. Who are you to judge, with your clean ironed shirt and your enclosed footwear?
Screw you, guy. I hope a zombie eats your girlfriend. You know what I'm talkin' about.

2. Andre gets all weird and creepy as he goes about protecting his infected chica and her toxic womb filled with a zombie larvae hell-bent on making the nearest person's moist flesh the source of its nourishment. And by “nourishment” I mean it'll bite the fuck out of you with it's zombie infant gums. And how does the proud father go about 'protecting' his cursed offspring? By loading a clip and then unloading hot rounds, wild-west duel style, into a kindly old woman who wanted to check on the status of his wife. That's what being neighbourly gets you, folks; shot in the torso by some Father of the Year candidate as he defends his right to infect the local mall (planet later) with his gangsta-zombie hybrid spawn.
Fuck neighbourly, yo.

(Not Pictured) His kind, elderly target.

3. They probably could've saved Andy.
I'm just sayin'.
When the dog was in NO PERIL AT ALL cause zombies are apparently too upper-crust to feast on canine flesh, Nicole dropped her copy of Hot Redhead Weekly and hauled ass over to Andy's House of Bullets to come to the rescue.
The rescue of a very safe dog.
What a bitch.
Yeah, who needs Andy? The guy's only a crack shot with a sniper rifle and has a respectable ponytail. Oh yeah, he's also just a badass military chap with an Aladdin's fucking cave-worth of weaponry.
He'd be like, “Hey genie, I wish for some guns to fight this zombie plague. ...Wait, I already have them. Cancel that shit, G. Bring me a fucking Twix, yo. I'm set.”

That is, if a genie-filled lamp was involved. (Probably next remake.)

But noooooOOO. Nicole risks life and limb for the damn dog loaded with sandwiches.
The smart money was on Andy, y'all.
He probably had some sweet stories too. What's the dog gonna contribute around the campfire on Zombie-Free Island? Bark? Yeah. Gripping narrative, Chips.
...On the other hand (the hand I usually reserve for sexy dame-based decisions), Nicole is a well-baked slice of hotness cake, and if she, her dog or even her damn iPod was in danger from an impending horde of toothy, skin-craving Z-folk cursed to wander the earth (read: carpark) then I would put my pants back on and rush to the rescue post haste.

“We can make out after. Just fight the zombies, 'kay? Giggle”

4. CJ was a shitbag who overcame his jackass ways to rise above the level of asshole and give hope to pricks worldwide by becoming a useful, contributing member of the Anti-Zombie Alliance.
Instead of remaining a dick.
He goes from being the type of guy who everyone KNOWS pays for sex and then just beats the hooker until his pay-per view kicks in, to being...well, basically the same kind of gent, but he's more of a team player now and he knows how to blow shit up.
This newfound zest for cooperation and explosives is displayed no better than by his gallant act of sacrifice while destroying a truckload of ravenous freaks and a small pier; thus enabling his comrades to make their escape so that they may live on to remark, “Hey y'know, CJ was a pretty handy guy to have around back there. I started to forget what a complete anus he was to begin with.”

“REMEMBER MY POST-SHITBAG HEROISM!”

Boom.
Thanks, CJ. You're a sport.

And always remember...

Zombie Survival Rule # 53: Nicole is hot.

PAPRIKA

2009-05-23T14:19:00.003+10:00

I do enjoy that strange sense of seductive attraction that seems to creep up from behind you and soak into your clothes when you're watching something that makes you go “Huh?” at the same time as you lean closer to the screen, hungry for more.
Mulholland Drive does it to me.
Twin Peaks has the same scent.
(Hell, most dishes Lynch serves up have that familiar addictive potency)
Well, I just watched Paprika http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0851578/ again, and it definitely contains the magic ingredient.
I love this film.
It's yet another brilliant piece of work by Satoshi Kon, who is just beyond amazing. (By the way, if you haven't seen his awesome series Paranoia Agent http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0433722/ , then run away from the computer now, shrieking like a skinned gibbon and do not stop until you reach a DVD merchant who sells you a boxset of this title. It is crucial viewing, and my favourite anime series I might add, but I shall save all that for a later post.)
Movies, and anime, of this high level of artistic polish and intellectual depth are the kinds of waters in which I enjoy bathing.
And people ask me why I don't dip my feet into sludge like Dragonball Z.

Now, if you have ever deeply yearned to witness a giant, hot, naked dream-goddess nullify the existence of a sinister, power-hungry being composed of oily nightmares in order to repair the torn fabric of reality, then this just may be the film for you.
Oh, and she defeats him by eating him. That's right, kids.
Couple that with the unsettling scene involving the main character's bizarro sexual assault at the hands of a seedy lepidopterist (Yes, I had to look it up too) and you're in for a night of viewing that will assuredly have you checking your beverage of choice for trace evidence of possible spiking.

(Your face will look like this often. Now check that drink...)

Those feelings of fear and paranoia actually add to the experience and go toward making this film a richer experience.
There's also a sense of helplessness felt by both the characters and the viewer as all witness these ordinary dreams rendered in bright, non-threatening primary colours slowly take on a subtle tone of terrifying menace.
Cinema enthusiasts will also get into this as it plays around with audience vs character dynamic and bends the fourth wall boundary here and there.

So definitely check out Paprika if you get the chance. It may have moments that are 2 scoops of baffling but that just adds to the flavour.
Besides; there is more originality displayed before the opening credits finish than most Hollywood films sprinkle in during a 2 hour runtime.

NEW ART: Tokyo Sketches

2009-05-21T22:40:00.012+10:00

Greetings, y'all.
New art is up.

http://cabinetminister.deviantart.com/art/The-Tokyo-Sketch-Double-123211744

Enjoy.

STAR TREK

2009-05-20T16:12:00.006+10:00

Before I step off into the empty void of space and proceed to float about; shooting word-bullets at various targets including treks, beaming, horrible accents and saucy dames with green-skin (Oh yes), allow me to inform y'all that I am not a Trekkie or anything of that nature.
I basically don't know squat about the franchise.
Star Wars has always been my sci-fi cocktail of choice, and leaning upon the reliable sturdiness of that property's particular bar, I will drink more than my fill and spout off trivia and lore until a fight is triggered with the nearest Mon Calamari that looks at me sideways. (I think I could take a Mon Cal in a fight. Those eyes look vulnerable.)

(You are ALL thinking about poking his eye)

But I've gone off course.
I just wish to make it clear that while I have never been a FAN of Star Trek, so to speak; I have always respected it. I could always sense there was some meaty substance in there, but it was always being served up in the wrong way. The films just weren't using the right recipe.
It has always seemed like a car that has an awesome engine that could potentially blow other vehicles off the road...yet it was long overdue for a service by a competent mechanic and it's hideous paint job prevented the owner of said vehicle from gaining access to any tits, let alone juicy ass, in the backseat. All the owner could do was cradle his head in his hands as he sat atop the bonnet of this husk of a machine parked on Franchise Hill and stare out through moist eyes at the city lights below...as other couples proceeded to fumble, grope and probe each other with moderate to considerable success in the rear-end comfort of their respective “cars” that were, in comparison, finely-tuned machines worthy of, being raced and in-turn, witnessing being raced.

Luckily, the owner of the Star Trek “vehicle”, eventually pulled into the right garage for repairs.
The mechanic's name? Why, JJ Abrams, of course.
And I am pleased to say that the car races damn well now, in my opinion.

Enough car metaphors. This is a space picture. Let's get down to the facts that matter; heroes, villains and green-skinned nymphs.

- Chris Pine was awesome as James T. Kirk. He didn't “do a Shatner”, which was refreshing to see and he was just an all-round likeable character, in my opinion. Once again; due to my lack of classic Trek knowledge, I can't judge if he nailed the 'feel' of the original character, but from what I've heard from solid fans; he did a damn fine job. At the end of the day; did I buy that he was a cocky, yet gifted rookie captain and would I follow his further adventures? Hell yes. Sign me up.
- Bones was incredible. And quite a surprise, I might add. Karl Urban comes along with his 'Behold; for I'm so manly I eat large hunks of uncooked meat and many women know of my conquests of both bedroom AND battlefield nature.'-style and manages to slip comfortably into the twitchy, paranoid skin of Bones. I was very impressed. I'm a big Urban fan, but all I'd really seen was his 'action mode'. This new reveal was a delight.
- Solid script, says I. It wasn't garnished with an abundance of quotables, (that isn't necessarily a negative) but I did like Capt. Pike's “12 minutes...” line. The Trek moved along at a smooth rate and it visited a nice varied mixture of settings such as ice planets and the very welcome Academy-based scenes. I also never found myself saying, “Damn, I want more time with (insert character)”, which can often be the case with ensemble casts. The action was a big step in the right direction while wearing the correct boots, too. Especially when held in comparison to the past films' (the ones I've seen, at least) penchant for space-combat that is about as exciting as a Star Trek screensaver. Running on a slow computer. With a poor monitor. I really enjoyed the whole drill platform sequence. They managed to cram quite a variety of action elements into a tight locale, and I felt a convincing sense of peril.
- Green chicks are amazing. More of them in later films, please.

(My next girlfriend needs to have green skin or else)

- Nero was a solid villain and he did the job. It was interesting to see that he wasn't some cackling nutcase from Villains R Us, who cavorts about the lair with his assorted minions in tow like he's in a musical. An EVIL musical, but a musical nonetheless. Thumbs up, Nero.
- Zachary Quinto made a great Spock, and I've thought as much since I saw the first picture of him. I'm just looking forward to later films where he'll (hopefully) get the chance to emote a bit more, cause Quinto has some impressive skills but he doesn't really get to flash his credentials much during this adventure. Kudos to Nimoy as well, for bringing nothing but class, once again, to the role that made him a household name. It could've been gimicky, but 'classic' Spock felt like seeing an old friend.
- The Vulcan planet looked great. The stalactite buildings were an exceptional design and I would've liked to see more of such architecture.
- Pegg was fine, but I gotta say that the whole 'Scottie Comic Relief' schtick will get very annoying, very fast. Maybe it's just me, but I only really enjoy Pegg when he's teamed up with Frost and Wright. It seems like his point of that talent triangle isn't as sharp when isolated in other people's flicks. I'm still a huge Pegg fan, though.
- Winona Ryder? Huh? Nonsense.
- Beaming looked a bit weak to me. I wanted little blue lights, but no harm done.
- Chekov should NEVER speak again. Seriously.

So as I mentioned to begin with; I'm not a Trekkie and this reboot has not converted me into one. However, after this first adventure with JJ at the helm and this battle-proven crew on-board; I am not only willing to go on further treks, but I look forward to such expeditions.

Just make sure that Chekov gets his throat torn out by an alien at the start of the sequel.
Or have him dubbed over by Rade Serbedzija.
Awesome.

TONY HAWK: RIDE

2009-05-19T14:38:00.007+10:00

Sigh.
You wanna know why I don't play sport video games like soccer, basketball and the like?
Because if I really apply myself, I know that I could wrangle up a tribe of sweaty, like-minded oafs and engage in a campaign of vicious sportsmanship, peppered by ass-slapping and reaching an inevitable climax of group showering.
While that is FAR from my idea of good times; that leisure option is open to me. I can knock on that door, if I so choose. Therefore, I do not require, nor enjoy, games that are virtual representations of such.
If I wanted to go and become a decent skater...I COULD, goddamnit. Sure, there may be some falls, breaks and sprains but it looks like those hazards are now being brought into the 'safety' of one's own living room. Now you can lose your balance at home and come crashing earthward; striking your temple against the ornate corner of a mahogany coffee-table and bleeding into unconsciousness upon your stepdad's now-soaking imported carpet.
Won't "Dad" feel giddy when he stumbles home with a head full of whiskey and bad stock choices to discover he has a legitimate reason to beat you tonight.
20 bucks says he'll use his ring hand.

Which brings me to the subject at hand, or rather, beneath our soon-to-be-kickflipping feet; the new skateboard peripheral. http://www.engadget.com/2009/05/15/tony-hawks-new-ride-game-includes-motion-sensing-skateboard-c/
This thing is just ridiculous.
I put this skateboard 'thing' in the same category as the fishing rod peripheral that came out for the Dreamcast. Pure nonsense.

There's a big, juicy reason why people LOVE playing games where they can do activities such as the following:
- Shoot zombies
- Slay lizard-men
- Save the world from zombie-lizard men
- Explore dwarven mines...possibly infested by lizard-men.
- Stack colourful arrangements of blocks that descend from the heavens. (Studies have been unable to prove the blocks in Tetris are NOT thrown down by zombies and/or lizard-men.)

What is that reason, I hear you shriek? BECAUSE THAT KIND OF SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN MY SUBURB.
Sure, it'd be a hoot to go out and collect the morning paper and be forced to contend with cursed packs of dark minions; cutting them down with your enchanted '+13 Goodness Blade' and filling your trusty sack so it almost overflows with blinding loot.
...But that just ain't on the cards, folks.
Real-estate agents tend to leave those bullet points off the brochure. They tend to avoid situations where questions may be asked like, "Is chainmail required? Will our kids fall prey to fucking Shadow-Dragons?"

And that is one of the main reasons why people love to get their game on. They want to ESCAPE from the numb, flavourless existence that reality serves up day after day.
Now, don't get me wrong. If you are into REAL sports and you also like sport video games; awesome. Go nuts. Have a Gatorade on me, Lance.
But if you are a decent skater in real life, which path are you going to choose?
1. To hop around on a piece of plastic sans wheels or trucks and HOPE it can translate you skills into the game. (In a genre where SKATE has succeeded with just thumbsticks)
OR
2. To actually go out and physically skate, get a sense of momentum and properly pull off satisfying tricks and lines. ...Then go home and make out with your hot, skater-chick girlfriend.

I know which way I'd ride.

Pity I'm a crap skateboarder. Drat.

THE A-TEAM

2009-05-19T13:41:00.006+10:00

1. Apparently, Joe Carnahan is directing it. ...I'm just gonna take a moment and giggle to myself in joy.
You've probably seen Smokin' Aces already, but you totally have to watch Narc as well, if you haven't already. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0272207/
It's one of the best cop dramas ever made. Fact.

2. Bradley Cooper is gonna play Faceman. Nice one. This Cooper cat has got style. I liked him in Wedding Crashers and he looks awesome in The Hangover. http://www.traileraddict.com/clip/the-hangover/red-band-clip-lost-doug
Word round the campfire is that he'll also score the Green Lantern gig. I'm not a GL fan, but from what I've seen, he'd be a solid choice.

***EDIT*** Apparently, Bradley Cooper IS NOT playing Faceman now. Oh well.

3. I've also heard that Common (aka One Of The Coolest People On Earth) may possibly play the Mr. T/Baracus role. I gotta say; I can see that. I may be biased cause I think that Common is one of the most promising new actors on screen these days, but I just feel that he'd fit really well.
Hell, the guy has menace down cold. His tiny role in the awesome Street Kings was a clinic on intimidation.

It's refreshing to hear remake/adaptation news that isn't toxic, no?

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

2009-05-19T13:18:00.006+10:00

The Inglourious Basterds website is up now...
http://www.inglouriousbasterds-movie.com/

Also check out some new pics...
http://www.cinemovies.fr/photo-8100-0.html

This movie cannot arrive soon enough.
Eli Roth + Baseball Bat + Nazis is a mathematic equation that my mind understands all too clearly.

MIRROR'S EDGE

2009-05-19T12:45:00.002+10:00

I had a double-sided experience with Mirror's Edge.
On one hand, it had elements that I loved. (Getting smooth lines of parkour going etc)
On the other hand, it had moments where rage and hatred were the dominant flavours of the course. (Any gun-play or combat. Blargh)
However, that being said, the experience was generally enjoyable and I will ALWAYS shine a light of praise upon the game purely because it had the balls to do something different.
Sure, there were some stumbles during its quest for a smooth run but they were minor and a sequel cannot come soon enough if you ask me.
In the meantime; behold these delicious shots of some DAMN IMPRESSIVE Mirror's Edge cosplay.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/savage_land_pictures/sets/72157617492339947/show/

This does wonders for the argument that a ME movie would be incredible.
Just imagine that awesome palette of brilliant whites, blues and reds on the big screen.
Throw in a cast and stunt team that includes David Belle, Cyril Raffaelli and so forth and you've already got me waiting in line for a ticket, yo.

CHOOSE YOUR PATH WISELY

2009-05-18T21:41:00.004+10:00

One other thing I noticed about Tokyo; you have to almost go OUT OF YOUR WAY to AVOID porn in that place.
Now, I'm no stranger to that kind of merchant and the various delights (or terrors) that they may choose to peddle. However, usually one must enlist the help of a trained native guide who knows the terrain, has a reliable map hastily scrawled upon fibrous parchment and must be paid in advance in either shiny gems or some other equally valuable trinkets. An expedition is usually undertaken in order to reach such a hidden utopia of carnal delights, so to speak. But in good ol' family-friendly Tokyo, it seems like EVERY damn store, regardless of specialty, has a very non-secret staircase that descends into a labyrinthine maze where sultry nymphs and oiled tits assault the weary traveller's senses and hold him captive.
Examples? Meet Hitomi Tanaka. She looks like she's got a full weekend.

(Honestly. What would you even talk about? I can't even remember my name at this point)

I'm not saying this is a bad thing. It just caught me off-guard when I stumbled down the wrong passageway and found myself in a bizarre world. It was like Alice down the rabbit-hole. Except the white rabbit is now an old Japanese salaryman with certain hungers who may be late for a 'date' that I want no part in attending; no matter HOW important it may be.
But hey, to each his own. No harm-No foul.
The only true downside to this is that the aisles were SO tight (har-har-har) that one must squeeze past other customers.
...Yeah. Just let the dark side of your mind ponder the logistics of that. There's definitely a wide margin for potential unpleasantness.
Poor store planning or excellent store planning?
Your choice.

Tok-YO!

2009-05-18T17:24:00.003+10:00

Well, I have just returned from Japan.
2 days ago actually, to be more precise.
I was there for just under 3 weeks and I can say with much disappointment in my tone that I did not see Godzilla fighting a schoolgirl samurai once. Unacceptable. I took this trip for the cliches, damnit.
Oh well, ignoring the absence of giant radioactive lizards and warrior youth for the moment, allow me to share some tales of my travels.

FILM:
I shuddered as I looked around at “New Release” movie posters in Japan, for the likes of Burn After Reading and Gran Torino were being hailed as fresh viewing; just off the vine, so to speak. I let out a sigh of disappointment...which quickly turned into an exclamation of excitement as I discovered that what they lacked in US releases, they made up for in local fare; exemplified by an impressive trailer which held me in its grip as I stood amongst the aisles of Tower Records and was prevented from continuing in my hunt for art books. Said trailer played out as follows...

Awesome, no?
Well, after seeing this (and cursing the fact that I had not even heard of the first CZ), I found the nearest cinema where it was screening and promptly bought a ticket.
It was money well spent, yo.
Granted, it was expensive ($24 bucks. Ugh.) but it was worth it. Keep in mind, y'all, that this film was badass with a side of fries...even though I DID NOT UNDERSTAND A SINGLE WORD.
That's right. It was all in Japanese (as was expected) yet sans subtitles (unexpected). This did nothing to detract from the experience.
Now, I mentioned my annoyance earlier at the fact that this franchise was unknown to me. Well, add salt to that gaping wound by acknowledging the fact that Takashi Miike directed both films.
Surprised, I most certainly was.
Okay, I'll admit that I'm not a HUGE Miike fan. I haven't seen many of his films (that I know of), but that's just because most of his work that has crept out of Japan seems to be that same old brand of ultra-violent, bizarro, schtick such as Ichi The Killer and so forth. I'm not against said brand...but it just gets stale quickly in my opinion. However, I absolutely LOVED Audition http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0235198/ and now I can add Crows Zero II (and the first, once I track it down) to my list of excellent Miike flicks that will hopefully continue to grow; especially now that I have learnt that he can serve up dishes like this.
Now, the story (I'm guessing) is basically about rival school gangs and them solving their problems by polite discussion and reasoned thinking...but then that gets boring and they decide to punch, kick, stomp, bodyslam, elbow-strike, knee and uppercut each other as they go about their daily lives and eventually end up in an AWESOME final showdown which sees the two gangs tear through a school in a King of the Mountain-style siege with the two gang leaders eventually facing off on the school's roof. (None of these Hollywood-style mini 'fights' too, where nobody even breaks a bone, let alone a sweat.) Crows Zero II's finale is epic and you feel like you're with the gangs every headbutt, sidekick and step of the way.

Allow me to add a shout-out at this point:
“Hey Capcom! Make a RIVAL SCHOOLS movie and get Takashi Miike to direct!”

I couldn't help but detect a strong RS flavour while watching all of this. I could imagine Batsu

suddenly appearing and fighting alongside Genji and the others. That'd be tasty, but a RS film probably won't ever happen. They seem to have abandoned that series, therefore I doubt they'd spend coin on a film version. Not when they're already doing amazing things with the Street Fighter franchise...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Rubbish.

(Anyway, if you ARE a Rival Schools fan, check out Volcano High. It's not the same, but it's got a similar vibe, at least.)
So yeah; definitely check out Crows Zero II if you get the chance. Damn impressive film and the combat is fresh in the way that the gang members are not all mind-blowing martial arts masters or anything. They use pretty stock-standard street fighting moves and never break the reality barrier by pulling off insane moves or 32-hit air combos and such. That being said, they all must be on PCP or something, cause they seem to be quite impervious to pain. I liked that aspect though, so...

GAME:
Ahhhhhh, King of Fighters XII.

It's so refreshing to see a game where the characters don't closely resemble shaved gorillas.
Hi, Street Fighter IV. Boo and hiss, says I.
Now, don't get me wrong; I LOVE Street Fighter and SF IV is a damn good game. But I seriously hate the way it looks. But, I'll go into that in another post.
This post is about the return of the King, yo.
As I said; I'm a SF fan and I'm actually more at home in that arena; but I still loves me some KoF, and I was finally able to play 12 whilst in Japan.
Oh, and I got my ass handed to me.
See, most Japanese folk eat, sleep and drink arcade games. That's just one of the standard ingredients in their lives. They'll hit an arcade after work just as soon as hit a bar.
And so, when I sat down and challenged some unseen opponent in an arcade in Akihabara; who do you think the smart money was bet upon? Not I, says I.
Also, let it be known that I did not 'challenge' some guy to act like Johnny McChallenge; I had no choice in the matter. Tokyo arcades are very crowded and every cabinet is a versus/challenge cabinet and so 9 times out of 10, you're gonna be challenging the guy opposite you. Straight up solo matches are rare. At least where I was.
I can say that I held my own in the first round and a half...but then everything went wrong. I watched helplessly as my unseen opponent ruined my manly roster of Kyo, Terry and then Ryo.
It was brutal.
It was merciless.
It was SO pretty.
From now on, I say if you're gonna get your ass kicked; get it kicked by smooth, hand-drawn 2D animation.
Besides the visuals, the game plays really well, too. Smooth movements and there was a feeling of balance that, despite my loss, told me that given some time, I could've made a comeback.
Perhaps.
I don't feel bad though, mainly cause I'm more of a SF player and also cause my opponent probably saw our match as merely a momentary hurdle in his daily routine of beating KoF XII as many times in a row as he could before catching the train home.
That kind of dedication means I was KO'ed before I sat down.

THE JOURNEY BEGINS...

2009-05-17T20:17:00.005+10:00

Greetings ladies and gentlemen.
Firstly, allow me to thank you all for visiting my blog.
For years I have not exactly been against blogging, so to speak, but I was not exactly a proud member of Johnny Blog's Fan Club.
There was just something about it all that struck me as somewhat arrogant. “Look at me! Listen to my words! Opinions, opinions, feed upon my plump, freshly baked opinions!” That was the general scent that I detected wafting from the stalls of various others whenever I walked past their blogs and perused whatever wares may have been on display.
Then it suddenly dawned on me.
I too, was often guilty of standing upon whatever box was at hand and shrieking my mind at passing townsfolk.
Films? I'd have a rant ready.
Video Games? Words would be thrown about.
Porn, comics and various other topics upon which conversation can suckle and feed like a giant, bloated insect? Oh, you can bet I held my proboscis at the ready. (That sounded seedy. I'm fine with that.)
After this light-bulb illuminated above, a slow and sinister grin began to creep across my features a la The Grinch, for I realised that all along I had been creating a blog. A blog where no screen, nor webternet, nor any other computer-related accessories were required. I was unknowingly posting and broadcasting my particular brand of blog on to any soul that was fortunate (or unfortunate) enough to stand close enough to detect my signal.
And by signal, I mean the sound of me shouting at them.

It has now become clear that I am not creating a new blog, but rather, I am merely changing the format of the blog which I have been generating for years.
This blog is entering a new phase.
It has undergone a blogsformation, if you will.
Or maybe a blogomorphosis.
Hmmm, 'Blogomorphosis' sounds like the name of an evil wizard in a REALLY bad book.

Anyway, further delays or tangential wanderings, allow me to properly welcome you, dear readers, to my blog.
Here you shall find a veritable buffet of awesome (complete with sneeze-guard).
The main courses will generally be film-flavoured, but the menu also includes a wide range of video game and comic book dishes.
That will be the main arena where most of the action will take place, but if any other topic is unearthed that happens to contain valuable nuggets of rant-worthy minerals, then believe you me; I'll hastily strap a light to my skull and descend deeper into the mines, canary in hand.
For that is the Blog-Miner's duty.

So, thank you and welcome once again.
I hope you enjoy the words I throw at you.

Stay tuned, y'all.

-Hanque