MIRRORS (2008)

I finally got around to watching MIRRORS. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790686/

In the past, I'd placed my ear close to the ground and heard the distant rumblings of others as they stalked across the land and muttered that it wasn't a fantastic film or anything and that I need not saddle my steed and head off to the cinema /video store at full gallop; carelessly trampling pedestrians under-hoof in my determined quest.
However, I did hear comments made about a particular scene.
A scene involving...jaw-breaking.
That was all I needed to hear, y'all.
To paraphrase Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire; you had me at “jaw-breaking”.

Here are some thoughts:

- The aforementioned jaw-breaking scene.
I gotta say; it impressed me. I know my way around a horror movie or two and if your story isn't that strong, then you have to even up the balance with some interesting violence or an ample serving of gratuitous tits.
Simple arithmetic, really.
It may even be one of the Commandments. Something along the lines of “Thou shalt include hearty servings of bangin' jugs in thine horror flick”. Don't quote me on that, of course, as I'm no theology professor or anything. (I dropped out just before graduation to pursue a career in the field of Personal Awesome.)
But I digress; this scene is brutally good. I heavily recommend it.
Watch it alone.
Watch it on a first date with a girl. (Tell her it's a new rom-com starring Amy Smart. The trap will be as good as set)
Watch it with a close chum, simply so you'll be allowed the opportunity to remark, “Holy baked shit! Did you just see that chick's jaw get ripped open? Swell!”
I feel it is my duty to pass on such horror gems to you people. It's just the kind of guy I am. Think of me like...Santa Claus.
But instead of spreading gifts, good-will and countless elfin bastards; I recommend scenes of horrific, ghost-influenced skull trauma.
Compose a mall-worthy carol out of those elements, yo.

- The mysterious plot involving the mirrors and so forth is rather bland and starts to outstay it's welcome. Sam and Dean Winchester would have solved this whole fiasco in one night, with time left over for last call at the bar, a couple o'rounds of hustled pool and Dean to bang some floozies in the Impala while Sam...I dunno, did demonic shit and used his laptop. That would've been better. I love Supernatural.

- This is possibly the only film in existence where you can see the grandma from Dawson's Creek play a nun who explodes after being 'filled'...*ahem*... by too many evil spirits, and then turns into a demonic nun who can scurry across walls.
Pacey never would've been able to deal with that kind of crap AND Joey. High school is already hard enough, kids.

- The mother in this film has a rather impressive rack, which she proudly displays to the audience by defending her home and children from vengeful spirits...while wearing a soaking wet singlet top.
Perhaps such attire offers a tactical advantage? Who knows? As I've mentioned many times in the past and in numerous foreign courts; I'm no priest. Who am I to judge whether or not spectral entities from the afterlife are frightened away by dripping-wet, glistening boobs. That sort of topic is not comprehensively covered in most text books that I've flipped through.
All I can say is that if I was a cursed spirit held captive behind a mirror and I saw those goodies; I sure as shit would try and breach my way into their world. I'd watch them like the newest episode of LOST, yo.
Ghosts still got needs, right?


(Who you gonna call?)

- Kiefer Sutherland wanders around in this film and looks equal parts pissed-off, confused and...not really frightened, but more irritated that someone ruined his day. Jack Bauer should be used to this kind of thing by now. (Isn't Season 5 of 24 about angry ghosts who have a nuke or something? I don't pay attention anymore, frankly.)
But 24 jokes aside; let us take a moment to focus on the cold hard facts; ...Kiefer played a badass vampire in The Lost Boys http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/ so when all of the reflective surfaces in his life started giving him attitude, Kiefer should've just clicked into David mode and screamed “I'm an 80's vampire and don't even have a reflection so eat shit, Spooky Mirror!” before riding off on his dirt bike through Santa Carla and listening to saxophone music by a sweaty, pony-tailed, muscleman.
Besides; the kids these days really love a sassy vampire, so I don't know how this opportunity was missed.


"MIIIIIIIIIIRROOORS!"

- The climax REALLY caught me off guard. Seriously.
Just when you think the dust has settled; the acrobatic demon-nun appears and an action scene begins that is reminiscent of Ash's fight against the pit-witch Deadite from Army of Darkness http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106308/
This unexpected showdown finally culminates in a COMMANDO-flavoured death where the nun gets impaled on a steam pipe a la Bennett. Hell...yes.
I was shocked.
I laughed.
If Matrix was here; he'd laugh too.

- This movie has the most Twilight Zone-y ending ever. I don't know what it is with Alexandre Aja and his 'twist' endings, but they're not really doing it for me. I'm a big fan of the guy, but he needs to leave the twist ending shtick alone.
Unnecessary, yo.

That's about it.
Once again; this film isn't the freshest meat on the counter; but it has some decent moments and besides, say it with me, people; “JAW...BREAKING...SCENE.”


(This is the wrong film.)


Oh yeah, MIRRORS is a remake of the South Korean film, Geoul sokeuro
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372937/ I haven't seen it but after watching this, I think it'd be worth hunting down.

Enjoy.

YOUNG GUNS

REGULATORS!
That's right, y'all. Let's talk about the Young Guns movies...

1. I've always been a tad perplexed when it came to the Regulators VS Buckshot Roberts shoot-out.
How in the hell did that one old guy gain the upper hand? He was severely outnumbered and was trapped in an outhouse.
Now, I've not read The Art Of War by Sun Tzu, but I will bet with considerable confidence that there is NOT a chapter in there that advises you to seek out a combat situation where you face greater numbers of opponents from within a flimsy, wooden shack that reeks of shit.
In fact, with the exception of flinging a near-unlimited supply of faeces at your attackers and maybe inflicting a bothersome splinter or two should they try to scale the walls of your lavatorial fortress, I can only think of one other tactical advantage that ol' Buckshot would have had.
I'm no combat strategist, but it's the best theory I've got.
Prepare thyself and behold...the moustache.

(That thing probably reloads for him)

I mean, seriously. Just look at that fucking monstrosity. I bet it probably got a pay cheque.

Anyhow, that's my only theory as to how the Regulators got schooled, but that still doesn't soften the blow. Hell, just look at it from the Regulators' point of view. Imagine explaining Charlie Sheen's character's death to his dame, if he had one:
“Uh, yeah, a violent old man who was 85% moustache shot Dick from the safety of his bullet-proof toilet.”
That would be a hard sell, I'm guessing.

2. Emilio Estevez completely owns both pictures, and that is all there is to it. His portrayal of Billy The Kid is a remarkable performance. Billy is like the most loyal, dependable and honest friend that you could ever hope to have at your side... who also happens to get blinded by revenge and kill people just as easily as he'll unleash that infectious boyish laughter of his.

(He'll be whistling soon)

Billy is a volatile cocktail of insanity and fearless ambition, and none see this with more clarity than Kiefer Sutherland's character 'Doc' Scurlock. His point of view is what leads to one of the strongest elements in these films. The Billy vs Doc dynamic is so potent because the audience starts to see Billy as Doc does.
We watch as Billy becomes a young man fuelled by a desire for justice trying to outrun the consequences of his actions that began noble but rapidly spiralled out of control as his insanity and lust for glory blinded him.
And yet his friends follow him, Doc included, because Billy's charisma and preaching about loyalty amongst 'pals' is so powerful that he inspires hope when all seems hopeless.
Also, I think we can all agree that the “Yoo-Hoo. I'll make you famous.” line is flat-out badass and says volumes about Billy and his unquenchable ego.

3. Ever noticed how Jack Palance seems to deliver lines as though he's been really exerting himself and he's just been caught doing something seedy so now he's trying to catch his breath and explain?
That always creeped me out. Even in movies like City Slickers.

4. Lou Diamond Phillips. Sigh. What the hell happened? I just don't understand. He's amazing in this and many other films (Go and watch The Big Hit. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120609/ NOW), yet he's not a bigger star. Beats me.
Chavez is a great character and Phillips brings more than his share to the table. He tears himself apart when he delivers his monologue about his butchered family in YG and his lonely walk in YG II is like watching one of your best friends leave you.
Although, I would like to know how Chavez managed to teleport in the final house siege of YG. Spirit world? Fair enough.
Teleporting? Hmmm, that's probably gonna take more peyote than is considered safe, Chavez.
Screw it. He's still awesome.

5. William Petersen is excellent as Pat Garrett. It's always sad seeing Pat and Billy part ways. Pat loves Billy like a brother, but he also has the sense to see that Billy is damaged goods and to follow him any further is to invite nothing but ruin. I'm not excusing Pat's actions or anything, mind, I'm just saying that I can understand why Pat felt he needed to sever all ties lest those ties pull him down deeper and eventually, hang him.
After Petersen gained so much exposure as Gil Grissom on CSI, I always love seeing him in his prime in stuff like this, Manhunter http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091474/ and the awesome To Live And Die In LA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090180/
If you haven't checked out Petersen in his young badass days, do so. He's exceptional.
Oh and when Pat Garrett steps out from the darkness, there's a touch of Alan Silvestri score that is rather reminiscent of Silvestri's fantastic Predator score. It actually crops up a few more times in the movie, too. (This is not a bad thing, it just got me thinking about Predators in the old west and reminded of a rumour that circulated AGES ago about Robert Rodriguez doing a new Predator movie where he'd wind the clock back and have a Predator hunt some pirates on the high seas and so forth.
I have to say; even though I'm a hardcore Predator fan and that first film is sacred to me, I'd like to see what Rodriguez could do with the franchise.
As long as he sticks to his own part of the yard, so to speak. No remake nonsense is required.)

6. Casey Siemaszko as the pugilistic Charlie has also always been a favourite character of mine. He manages to turn beating the shit out of someone into a refined, almost gentlemanly endeavour in which punching a belligerent cowboy in the face and kidneys comes off as the proper thing to do. All this from a conflict that was not even his fight. Yep, good ol' Charlie went out of his way to introduce the problem-solving wonders of fisticuffs to that situation. The man has commitment to his craft, says I.
But Charlie isn't all grammar-correction and knuckles. I've always loved the way he reacts upon realising that the path he and his friends have followed can only lead to a noose; he goes to visit a hooker.
Not for a tumble.
No, not to kidney-punch her, either.
He just wants a hug. Simple as that. It's like a boy realising that he's just been pretending to be a man.

Oh, and Casey Siemaszko was friends with Kiefer Sutherland in Stand By Me and played the guy with the 3-D glasses in Back To The Future. Why is this worth mentioning, you ask? Cause Billy Zane played his hoodlum amigo as well.

(Everybody needs a friend like Billy Zane)