SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)

I first witnessed the work of Guy Ritchie many years ago.

The time; circa Schoolies Week: 1998 and my buddies and I wandered in off the streets to catch a snappy-looking British gangsta' flick with the remarkably wonderful title of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120735/ .
I loved every second. It was fresh, crisp with a kinetic visual flair and some of the most quotable, insta-classic dialogue I had heard in years. (To this day, my buddy Vince and I still quote gems like “It's a deal. It's a steal...” and so on)
From that day on, I knew that I liked what this Ritchie cat was serving up on the screen and I hungered for more.

Time passed and he finally released his next effort; ...(the EXTREMELY overrated) SNATCH http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208092/ .
A snappy-looking British gangsta' flick.
Fair enough. Hmmm...

It was enjoyable enough, I suppose.
Brad Pitt delivered one of the most memorable characters of his career, the film still looked great and the dialogue was above-average in regard to quotables.
However; it didn't have the lasting aftertaste that LOCK, STOCK... contained.
Or rather; it DID have an aftertaste...but one that was less pleasant and unlikely to make one return for repeated viewings. (At least not without having the enjoyment level of each viewing progressively decrease at a steady rate.)
NOTE: I shall add here that I seem to be alone in this position.
Within the social circles that I travel and from working in a video-store for some time, I have first-hand knowledge that most folk hold the film in MUCH higher regard than I. The average Joe seems to absolutely adore SNATCH, so much to the point where they foolishly place it above LOCK, STOCK... on the cinematic food chain.
Foolish.
To each their own and all that, but if you bring that shit to my front door; I'll slam it in your face and pour boiling oil upon you from the parapets. (That's right. In this hypothetical situation, I've decided it's best that I live in some castle-like fortress from which I hurl cinema-flavoured rhetoric upon the unwashed peons below. ...It also has a water slide.)

Moving on; I shan't dally much longer with Ritchie's past work for it can all be summed up in tidy, little point-form pattern.
Observe:

SWEPT AWAY http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0291502/ : Most people who witnessed this ordeal took their own lives. Beach romance starring his then-wife, Madonna. Ritchie later escaped from the firm grasp of her wiry, chicken-claw hands when he presumably discovered that she is, in fact, an exhumed corpse reanimated and sustained by dark sorcery.
Ray Of Light is an amazing album, though. Seriously.
Studios wanted Ritchie to include an animated British gangsta' crab for comic relief, some say.
(NOTE: I may be, and probably am, lying)

REVOLVER http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365686/ : Apparently, this film divided the global population into 2 groups.
1. Those who did not see it
2. Those who saw it and wished they were in Group 1
As usual, I stand alone; for I have not watched it yet. I haven't been avoiding it, though. Quite the opposite. The film intrigues me (despite being about crime and gangstas again) and it has only been given a local release on DVD recently...after 5 years. Sigh.

ROCKnROLLA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1032755/ : Wow. Another criminal-based, snappy-looking gangsta' flick set in Britain. Way to break that mould, Master Ritchie.
No harm – no foul, though. It's a pretty enjoyable film and Toby Kebbell's awesome performance is the main attraction, in my opinion. The guy is solid gold and definitely one to watch., yo.

So there you have it.
See the pattern?
Yes? Swell.
Now, back in the day when SNATCH was beginning to grow stale on my shelf; I pondered about a wonderful alternate reality in which Guy Ritchie ventured out into some greener pastures filled with fresh grass and more fertile soil.
Standing around in the cinema, I would say to anybody within earshot, “I love Guy Ritchie, but I'm tired of the same old crime/gangsta routine. Someone give this guy a comic-book movie or a period piece or something. Please.”

(At this point most folk would just either nod quietly, walk away or walk away and go watch SNATCH again.)

Well, looks like I only had to wait about 10 years for my wish to come true, because Ritchie finally delivered SHERLOCK HOLMES http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/ .
Was it worth the wait?
Yes.
Oh my, yes.

I love this film.
I had very high expectations as a result of an awesome trailer coupled with the fact that I'm a big fan of Guy Ritchie to begin with.
Throw into the mix that this was THE hypothetical Ritchie film that I had been yearning for all those years, and you've got me practically vibrating with anticipation as the cinema goes dark.
I could not have asked for more from Ritchie this time. Here he was playing with some classic characters in a period setting and juggling mystery, crime-procedural elements, action/fight sequences and doing it all with his own recognisable visual flair and class. (The way Holmes analyzes a fight is a stroke of particular brilliance, on Ritchie's behalf.)
They gave the cook some new, fresh ingredients and he baked up an amazing, delicious cake in his own kitchen with his own tools.
I was beyond impressed. I felt so satisfied. It was a wonderful thing to see someone move into a new arena and still manage to display their skills outside of their usual comfort zone.
Bravo, Ritchie. Nothing but praise is coming from my seat, sir.

- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law make up one of the best screen duos I've seen in years.
Their respective portrayals of Holmes and Watson, is a remarkable display of believable friendship and camaraderie. I could tell these gents had a long, rich history and I could believe that such a relationship would take them off on many more adventures together.
These two harmonize so well that with a good surround sound set-up in your home theatre, I believe you'll be able to turn up the volume and actually hear a CLICK sound as they snap into place like lock and key. It's flawless.
The banter, the sombre moments, the action; Holmes and Watson deal with everything this adventure throws at them and they do so with an ease that only years together at each other's backs can allow.

Downey Jr. is in usual top form. His theatrics and the subtle flourishes he provides to simple gestures lend the character of Holmes an almost hypnotic quality akin to Johnny Depp's (earlier) Jack Sparrow work (before that franchise was drowned by bad decisions and missed opportunities).
Jude Law as Watson could easily be overshadowed by the more flashy Holmes role, but thankfully that never comes to pass. Watson is the pause between Holmes loud notes, if you will. Both different, but still absolutely necessary for music to be created. For example, where Holmes may speak at length while deducing until the tea goes cold before acting, punching or blowing something up...Watson would prefer to remain soft-spoken and calmly rational...before acting, punching or blowing something up.
Same destination; different route, no?

- If the studios are smart; they have a monster franchise on their hands.
Like the Tower Bridge structure in the film; SHERLOCK HOLMES has set a VERY sturdy foundation upon which a great cinematic edifice may be constructed.
I eagerly await further adventures involving this team such as 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case Of The (Blank)' or 'Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery Of The (Blank)'.

- The score is brilliant. Case closed.
Zimmer delivers a stirring score filled with the likes of drums and (I think) double bass and mandolin, that drives the action, accompanies the visuals without ever overpowering the overall taste and even manages to infuse the proceedings with the same sense of playful, recklessness that perfectly captures the nature of Downey Jr.'s Holmes performance.
I can confidently say that it's probably the best score I've heard in quite some time. The only thing that annoyed me was that I could not buy it on CD instantly after leaving the cinema. I hit 3 stores and they all stared at me blankly after consulting their equally vacant computer screens.
No matter. I bought it from iTunes as soon as I got home and I'm still listening to it now as I type this.

- The end credits sequence is superb.
A beautiful example of perfect art direction and style that is up there with the awesome opening credits from WATCHMEN http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/ .

- If the cynical hyenas out there MUST have a bone of negativity to gnaw upon; then let me spare the tiniest of scraps in the shape of Irene Adler.
Rachel McAdams is pure class and one of my favourites...but her character is actually not given much to do and by the end of it all, you're still left feeling, "Who is this gal? I like her, but...who is she?" She plays her part well and fills her position within the grand scheme of the narrative, but you never really feel like she's given the care and attention that characters like Holmes and Watson have benefited from.
Perhaps, if she's kept around for further adventures, her character may be given more opportunities to shine. If so; I welcome it.

Regarding script, structure and plot; sure, there is some heavy exposition near the end which some goats may bleat about and claim as 'weak writing', but I disagree. The Holmes character is built up from the beginning as the type of chap who thinks things through and plays the events AND explanations out in his mind. Had Holmes NOT been allowed his 'explain it all' moment, then it would have felt like something was missing considering that was one of his personality traits, for want of a better term.
Besides, the plot is intricate enough that I did not mind in the slightest that Sherlock provided some clarity, and that is definitely not to say that the plot is muddy or poorly-structured, but rather that I cared enough about the affairs to appreciate the explanations and revelations.

I cannot speak highly enough of this film.
Excellent characters.
Awesome new franchise potential.
If you need a break in between seeing AVATAR for the 4th time, then I HIGHLY recommend SHERLOCK HOLMES.

I'm off to listen to the score again now and look for clues...
:D


(Oh, and speaking of AVATAR; yes I am going to do a post, of course. It'll be up next. I had to let it all soak in first. Stay tuned.)

UP

I watched UP http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/ the other day.
It was enjoyable, but I'm disinclined to go along with the majority who claim that it is PIXAR's best work thus far.
Sure, this film is good and I enjoyed myself; it's just that it gets blown away by the likes of WALL-E, Ratatouille and the greatly underrated The Incredibles.
At least UP kicks the crap out of Cars. Ugh, that movie annoys me. It was just like a big-budget adaptation of those irritating BBC kids shows involving sentient vehicles that caper about the village and mockingly cavort in front of humans; their rightful masters.
Burn them all and crush them into a cube, I say.
I wish I could say that'll occur in the sequel, but I know it won't. Shame.

Let's take a look at the highs and the lows of this particular adventure...

HIGHS:
- The early montage involving Carl and Ellie's relationship. This was just beautifully done. The film had basically just begun and I found myself already crying. Their early courtship followed by the rise and inevitable falls of life are displayed with such care and emotion that I was hooked instantly.
PIXAR have always stuck to their motto that “story is king” and that belief is backed up by their diligent attention to the little details regarding character interaction. Simple little moments like Ellie gently placing her hand upon Carl's as children, coupled with the painted hand prints during the mailbox scene just provide depths to the story that sucks you in until you finally realise that you're staring at the screen through moist eyes.
PIXAR made me cry with a speechless little robot and they did it again with this wonderful sequence. Well done.
In fact, such an emotional high point so early in the narrative actually left me kind of detached from the later stages of the film, but perhaps that's just me.

- Kevin the bird is great. I'm not able to type volumes of text concerning this character, because, frankly, she doesn't do very much. What she does do though, and well, is stare about blankly in that awesome 'vacant sidekick' kind of way and squawk in a manner that is funnier than any line of dialogue could be.
She must have been fun to write. Just change the surrounding context and the audience can provide their own meaning for the squawk. Worked for me; I was laughing, and while I was underwhelmed by Kevin at first, by the end of the film, I found myself wishing that she had more screen time.

- Dug is the second character who I wished was given the chance to show off more. He's a big, squishy Golden Retriever...with a collar that allows him to talk. That's just awesome, right there. He's eager to please his master (whoever that may be) and he has that that delicately balanced canine personality that teeters between focused attention and squirrel-based distraction. He gets his share of laughs and he's generally always present on screen...but I couldn't help feeling that the multi-lingual collar plus his personality hinted at some wasted potential, script-wise.
Still, his solid visual design makes him a nice addition to the PIXAR roster and it'd be nice to see him used in some shorts or something similar down the line.

(Clearly reading his lines.)

- PIXAR never really fail to impress with their opening shorts, and 'Partly Cloudy' continues this tradition. I'm even inclined to say that I laughed more during this short than during UP. The concept alone is impressive enough to warrant extended praise and without trying to spoil anything, I'll simply say that the storks that deliver babies have a sort of work-like relationship with clouds. It's a brilliantly simple premise that works wonderfully.
...Oh, and there are few things funnier than watching a stork get winded after a baby ram smashes into its chest. Hilarious.

(Poor, poor stork...)

LOWS:
- Russell is a strange character. He's got a great design and there's loads of potential under the surface, but he never gets any really good lines and I just generally found myself wondering when he was going to click into place, y'know? Yes, I laughed when he got whipped across the face by a tent support strut but that wasn't enough.
Usually the sight of a fat kid getting injured is a comedy high-point and enough to make me enthusiastically recommend it to any film fans who'd enjoy the humorous sight of a plump child being accidentally whacked in the face by a plastic rod.
Alas, this time I felt like something was missing.

- The script could've used some more punch. The dialogue and narrative did the job and everything zigged and zagged where appropriate, but I expected some more spice. If someone cooks you a steak and just hands it to you on a plate, you'd be like, “Sure, this is a well-cooked steak, but I'd like a side of fries, some sauce and a frosty beverage to go with it.” THEN, sir, you'd have a meal.
With UP, I still felt hungry afterwards.
I saw this with my brother-in law and young niece and I think it left her unsatisfied as well. During the car ride home, she spoke more about how much she loved Monsters vs Aliens, instead of how funny Dug was.
Hmmm. Not the words of a customer who's just enjoyed a full meal, says I.

(Potentially hungry UP viewer)

- The talking dogs were wasted. I've already mentioned Dug, but all of the other dogs are basically just loud obstacles. Snore.
Speaking of which; the whole opposing force is nothing to rave about. Okay, the whole 'hero becomes villain' angle is not bad, but Charles Muntz just felt like a hollow place-holder. I got the same vibe from Clayton in Tarzan back in the day, who looked like Captain Hook's brother and seemed like he was merely the villain-shaped peg necessary to fill the villain-hole.
Lazy, folks.

I mentioned The Incredibles earlier, and I'll mention it again now for 2 reasons:
1. It's awesome and it warrants repeated viewing.
2. UP has a few things in common with it in the ways that it has been painted with some darker narrative tones in comparison to most of PIXAR's lighter fare.
I should make it VERY clear now that I personally do not consider this to be a textbook negative; au contraire. I yearn for the day when there are countless animated films aimed at more mature audiences. (Hurry up and get released, 9 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0472033/ )
I mention this purely because I was feeling more down than up during this film, and that was not what I had expected. Especially not when 2 key characters had the potential for far more comedy than what was served to us.

As I write this, I'm detecting a scent of negativity that was not my intention.
This IS a good film and the adventure was worth every step. I guess I'm just not as passionate about this film as I thought I'd be. And, as I've learnt like any artist who explores their craft; my work suffers a little when the passion is not there.
Oh well, no drama.

My advice is to suffer through a painful viewing of Cars again before watching UP; then after being in the company of Larry The Cable Guy and the rest of the lame components that make up that bland, damaged wreck, you'll find your journey far more uplifting.

Seriously; Cars is crap, folks.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Atten-HUT!
Let's take aim and shoot some Nazi's with a full clip of thoughts about Inglourious Basterds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/ shall we?

- What an amazing month. Cameron reveals the dazzling brilliance of AVATAR and now Tarantino finally unleashes his long-awaited, grand ol' war movie. My 2 favourite directors have definitely spent their time wisely; for while we may have been checking our collective timepieces all along, these two master craftsmen have shown that the waiting period was more than worth our while.
Tarantino spoke often over the years of how he was still working on his “guys on a mission” war script, and to finally see the fruits of that labour up on the screen at long last was a wonderful sight to behold.
Is it exactly the film I expected? No it is not.
But I LOVE the film that it is, and it's that sort of unexpected surprise that adds to the overall charm. I embrace this movie with both arms and hug it firmly to my chest like an old friend who smells of firewood, baked goods and stories untold.
Wonderful.

- Yes, the film feels VERY different from the posters and marketing
Yes, it feels like you've been served a different film than the one the trailer alludes to.
But why is that a negative?
This situation is only cause for drama and fist-shaking outrage if the film delivered was poor.
That is most definitely NOT the case with Basterds.
This film is fantastic.
Some may cry foul that the whole “guys on a mission” vibe is not really present, but I do not feel the film suffers because of this.
This was conceived many moons ago and as a writer myself, I can attest to the fact that (unless you do the unthinkable and write your entire final draft in one sitting in a single afternoon) screenplays have a habit of evolving and maturing over time. This tale may have begun in one way...but it seems to have transformed into something quite different as the years went on.
And that something different is a most wonderful organism, indeed.
Heck, I hope Basterds does super-business and allows Tarantino the opportunity to make the companion piece to this film involving a group of black troops, that he's has reportedly spoken of. Perhaps that will tell that particular chapter of this overall journey.

- The opening farmhouse scene.
Wow.
No 1st time screenwriter would ever be allowed the freedom to get away with it. Studios would be like, “Lengthy dialogue? Two men sitting in a room? Nonsense! Open the film with some tits or an explosion. Better yet; an explosion of tits!”
Now, I would be more than welcoming for a film that involved such jug-based pyrotechnics, but alas, such raunchy gimmicks are not necessary here.
The whole 'slap the audience across the face in the first 2 pages' convention is a screenwriting rule that I've always thought requires at least two THICK coats of grey paint. Things are not always that black and white, people.
...Well, not in GOOD films, at least.
You need some room in which to wiggle and be vague. Allow the audience a chance to get comfortable in their chair and be embraced by the narrative...before unleashing your first narrative punch to the groin.
I'm just very thankful that Tarantino has put in the hours and as a result, has reached a point where he is allowed the creative freedom to open a film in such a way...without some studio clown commanding that he change the film to better suit the intellectually-crippled goons whose attention spans are vastly dwindling with every repeat viewing of Transformers 2.

- Dialogue is deliciously thick and layered. Adding to that is the dynamic element of transitioning from language to language at certain moments to properly suit the scene and contribute to the tension and so forth.
One of the many reasons why I love Tarantino's work is his knack for dialogue. The man has a solid ear for speech flow and knows when to throw in a rise, a fall, a pothole or a sudden-turn along the verbal road to keep the journey interesting.
That's mainly why I am not a big fan of Death Proof. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/
I do not dislike the film, but I just felt that the dialogue didn't snap-crackle and pop off the screen and into my memory vault of 'Quotable Tarantino Lines', y'know?
Perhaps, I need to go for round 2 with it.
After all, I was not in awe of Jackie Brown http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1028528/ upon first viewing and yet, after repeated viewings over time, it has grown to become one of my favourite of Quentin's films and possibly his most underrated.
But getting back to the matter of dialogue; I can gladly say that the speech fired around during Basterds is top-shelf...and Tarantino has also now managed to undertake those interesting verbal journeys I spoke of, in different languages.
I'm a great fan of the English language and many others, particularly French, and I must say that certain moments during this film had me shaking my head, so impressed was I.
My 'Quotable Line Alarm' also went off with a satisfying ring numerous times and I look forward to trying to emulate Hans Landa's delivery of gems like “Could I have another glass of your delicious milk?” during dinner parties to unsettle other guests.
Superb.

- Christoph Waltz as Hans Landa is hypnotic. I mentioned before how I was very impressed by certain moments regarding language, dialogue and so forth? Well, Christoph Waltz is generally centre stage during said moments.
The guy is simply mesmerising.
He kind of feels like a slightly-unbalanced German relative of Tim Roth. That's a compliment.
This gentleman effortlessly jumps between German, French, English and Italian and it looks as natural as breathing. He also manages to convey this serpentine sense of seductive malevolence and smoothly transitions from a calm, open and friendly demeanor into a duty-driven predator who enjoys toying with his prey.
You really must see for yourself. Waltz is golden, yo.


(Makes dairy products sound sinister)

- The bar scene involving the undercover allies versus the drunk Nazis was amazing and probably one of my favourite scenes...amongst many others.
Michael Fassbender had a badass British, suave manner going and his face-off against the very impressive August Diehl as the SS officer (with frighteningly good hearing) provides a wonderfully tense atmosphere that is tinged with doomed humour which reminded me of Tarantino's similarly brilliant scene he wrote in True Romance http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0108399/ between Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken.
I'll say no more, from fear of spoilers but trust me; it's excellent.

- Gedeon Burkhard plays a character named Wilhelm Wicki. He is not onscreen for very long and he does not say much...but I instantly want to see this guy in more movies. He's got great screen presence coupled with one of the Best. Voices. Ever.
More roles for this gent, please.

- Hitler kind of looked like a creepy Mandy Patinkin. Weird.

- The film is filled with high-quality characters that are rich in personality...and I kind of felt like I was being hurried past them like when you're on one of those boat rides at Disneyland.
It all felt rather bittersweet; for I do not consider this a fault but rather a strength. I loved these characters so much that I was like, “Please Quentin, let me stay and hang with these guys longer.”
So on that note, I'll just add that I'd like (in future/side films, maybe?) :
1. More Melanie Laurent (This gal was impressive as Shosanna and one classy dame.)
2. More Donnie Donowitz (Eli Roth is badass, yo)
3. More Hugo Stiglitz (I cannot believe that I haven't been watching more Til Schweiger films. This guy is 'angry-action-hard man' dynamite. I'm a fan now.)
4. More Aldo Raine (Pitt is excellent, but as I've said; I wanted to spend more time with him.)
5. More of the Basterds in general. (There's easily another film's-worth of juice you could wring out of these cats.)

...Oh, and guns triggered by the impact of a punch are awesome.

Excellent viewing, y'all.

At ease.

DISTRICT 9

District 9 is remarkable.
I shall now do my best and use my honeyed words (and guest star, Charlton Heston) to encourage you to shamble off to the theatre and view such goodness.

“Why the hell should I do that, you filthy blogger, you?”, I hear you bellow from the bowels of the webternet.
Glad you asked.
Voila...

- I've said it once and I'll scream it again; forget all of this HALO nonsense and somebody PLEASE give Neill Blomkamp the chance to make a HALF-LIFE 2 movie.
Hell, even if that doesn't come to pass and I find myself floating into the afterlife disappointed (and later returning to haunt cinemas until a proton-pack stops me); at least I can cling to this wonderful film, for it is the closest we have to a HL2 cinema experience.
...For now.


(See how he waits...)

It does a damn fine job of it too. I nearly jumped up and down on my seat when I saw Wicus blast away enemies with a 'gravity gun' and also wreak absolute havoc in a power suit that reminded me of Dog.
Throw in a crowbar and a barrel o' headcrabs and we've got ourselves a solid weekend, y'all.

- Witness what marvellous feats can be achieved by a director with some talent who actually DESERVES his budget.
Apparently, word round the campfire is that District 9 cost about 30 million bucks.
Transformers 2 apparently cost somewhere in the ballpark of...ahem...200 million dollars.
I feel physically ill.
During my Transformers 2 viewing, I could hear each cell in my body, shrieking in pain as they suffered through that ridiculously expensive nightmare of overblown, finely polished crap.
Why is that the so?
If Neill Blomkamp managed to conjure up pure cinema magic with only 30 mill...then shouldn't 200 million shiny gold coins guarantee us all a film experience so mind-blowing in it's awesomeness that it'd be like witnessing Charlton Heston breakdance against that Martian hooker with 3 tits from Total Recall.
No matter where you'd look, your eyes would fill with excellence.

Unfortunately, that's not the way Hollywood works. They prefer the reliable system that involves providing Michael Bay (and friends) with infinite funds to further prove the fact that he's an untalented schmuck whom I would not trust to supervise the catering table...let alone a massive film budget.

Praise Crom, for people like Peter Jackson, Neill Blomkamp and films like District 9.
Seriously; I would rather watch 15 minutes of D9 than have to endure an entire viewing of some other directors' films of late.
I hope this film serves as a wake up call for certain industry folk out there and makes them understand that they need to WISELY utilise the budgets that they're granted.

- Some folk may wish to speak about social-commentary and political subtext and such, but I'm not a political guy.
I'm not gonna go on and wax intellectual about topics that I know nothing about.
I have no doubt that there's some very meaty parallels and details that could be discussed at length, regarding apartheid and so forth, but that's not my business here.
Some other blogger can play that tune.
Instead, I'll simply mention that there are scenes where soldiers get vaporized into a kind of gooey mist by brutal laser blasts.
That's music we can all dance to, friends.


(Deep social commentary...and LASERS! Brrr-zap! Ka-pwing!)

- Come and watch as humans yet again act like jackasses marinated in asshole sauce and demonstrate how NOT to properly handle alien contact.
You might be able to distance yourself from the narrative a bit...if it wasn't so damn accurate. You just know that this is how humans will act when aliens finally arrive.
They were not hostile...yet they were immediately imprisoned and seen as lesser beings.
Nice welcome.
“They were malnourished.”, the media also informs us.
Really? You flawlessly understand the new alien biology, do you? Impressive deductive journalism, kids. Take notes.
And as usual, it's all about weapons. We could learn VOLUMES of knowledge from this new form of life...but nah. Let's poke them and plunder their armoury.
The best thing about witnessing this stellar example of finely-handled diplomacy is the inevitable moment where our proud species gets ripped to pieces by the valuable knew weaponry...as you happily cheer the aliens on.
Stupid humans.


(Heston wasn't human, he was awesome.)

- Sharlto Copley gives an amazingly natural performance as Wicus, as he transforms from goofy, nervous bureaucrat into an erratic, terrified man who is alone, hunted and horrified by what he may be becoming.
The fingernail scene alone had me convinced that I was not just watching some movie, but rather that this was a real ordeal that I was following along with.
The entire piece is infused with that flavour, actually. Despite the aliens, advanced weaponry and overall science-fiction subject matter, District 9 consistently feels like an account of some real life events that are unfolding on our very planet. After watching it all, I felt like if I checked the news that night, I would receive an update on the current situation. It's that convincing, people.
This high level of immersion is greatly due to the authentic documentary/news report segments that are sprinkled throughout the narrative and a level of CGI work that can only be described by saying, “Holy shit. That's a real alien.”
The visual effects on display are right up there on the top shelf with another sci-fi classic that had photo-realistic aliens worthy of awe and coughed-up popcorn; the great Starship Troopers. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120201/ (Yes, it's about time you watched it again. You're welcome.)
Hopefully; unlike Starship Troopers, District 9 will not get robbed at the Oscars when the time comes. That would be a crime.
12 years on and the arachnids from ST still look amazing.
I dare say that 12 years on from now, these so-called “prawns” from D9 will hold the same level of awe with new viewers.
The power of the effects work is also not just the result of impressive modelling work and the like. Christopher Johnson; the resourceful and reliable alien that acts as co-star alongside Wicus, is a staggering achievement.


(Deserves an Oscar more than Julia Roberts.)

It's performance had my jaw-open for most of the film...and the fact that he's a CG creation, never managed to sink in. Just like the T-Rex vs Gallimimus scene in Jurassic Park proved that Steven Spielberg actually managed to capture, domesticate and screen-train a living T-Rex in Hawaii, Christopher Johnson will prove that aliens freaking exist, yo.
Now I love the Lord Of The Rings movies and Andy Serkis is a pure master...but Christopher is better than Gollum. Case closed.

- See District 9 before they, hopefully, make a District 10.
D9 is reportedly doing great business and the ending leaves more than enough room for a sequel that I eagerly await.
Blomkamp has provided a very solid foundation upon which an excellent franchise could be built.

I give District 9 high praise, ladies and gents...and if Heston was still around, he'd praise it too.


“I stole this gun from an ape NOT an alien. There's a difference.”

There sure is, Mr. Heston. There sure is.

DRAG ME TO HELL

“At any point during this film is there a demonic goat that calls someone a whore?”

That is the ONLY question that I shall ask from now on when I am offered a film to see at the cinema.
...And if the answer is no, then I'm not even going to bother putting on pants.

Drag Me To Hell http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1127180/ has spoiled me, and I feel like a better man because of it.

I love this film.
From the first few moments when the titles smash up on the screen like a slap across the jowls and the credit sequence washes over you with that familiar scent of old-school Evil Dead-era Sam Raimi, I knew I was in for some good times.

Speaking of Raimi, this is a VERY refreshing return to form.
Don't get me wrong; I love what he's done with Spider-Man (except for the embarrassing part 3) and I don't feel that Raimi is JUST a 'horror director', (check out A Simple Plan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120324/ ) but I felt like his new movies didn't have the same 'spark' as his earlier work.
I confess that I was actually thinking about skipping Drag Me To Hell at the cinemas, for purely financial reasons. (I'm currently unemployed. If you're reading this, you should totally hire me. I'm an awesome writer and I have nice legs. Wink-wink)
Anyway, I'm glad that I ignored my coin-based dilemma and jogged off to the 'plex to catch what I hope is to be the sign of Raimi's triumphant return to horror.
Interviews have informed me that Sam and his brother Ivan have currently got pages of the Evil Dead IV script already written and after Drag Me To Hell showed that none of Raimi's horror tools have rusted or gone blunt over the years, I can do nothing but anticipate that demon-filled brilliance that looms on the horizon like an undead army.

As is my habit, I'll try to only give you the bare-bones synopsis regarding plot and such.
I purposely avoided investigating this film prior to it's release because I wanted to be really surprised by Raimi's horror return and boy, did that pay off.
All I knew was this basic equation:

Pretty girl + gypsy + gypsy curse + demon = X

I left the answer as a blank X.
Why?
Because I don't know the best arrangement of words to properly express how I looked as I leapt around my seat and jumped in fright like a schoolgirl locked in the trunk of a clown's vehicle.
My amigo – a fellow Deadite from way back – claimed that he probably jumped about 8 times.
I did not count.
I was too scared.
In order to better express my feelings of terrified shock, I'll throw some more ingredients into the arithmetic stew to further tantalize y'all who've yet to see this film.
Let's add:

Invasive fly + kitten-corpse vomiting + horrible cake

...Oh, and a terrifying handkerchief.
Stop laughing. I'm serious.

I'm also VERY impressed by the fact that a healthy dose of these nightmarish events takes place in BROAD DAYLIGHT. This pleased me greatly. If there is one horror cliché that really makes me reach Gary Busey-levels of anger it's the fact that the bulk of violence/scares/attacks take place at night or in darkness.
Snore.
Oooooh, the dark is scary. Yeah, thanks for that. What are we? 6 year olds?
Frights will have WAY more punch if you throw them in when people feel safe.
I want to see an attractive young lady get jumped by a cackling goblin and have her rib-cage torn open...while she's mid-conversation on her cell-phone to her fiancee in the brightly-lit frozen food section of a supermarket with heaps of customers around.
Now THAT's gonna spill some popcorn, yo.
Thankfully, Raimi seems to share my thoughts on the subject and gleefully springs some horrific shit on us all when the sun is shining and the birds are all about the tweeting.

There's loads more goodness, but I'll let you all experience those cinematic joys for yourself.
In fact, in order to really get the most out of this ordeal, try and see this in a cinema with damn good sound. The score and sound effects alone are enough to have your teeth grinding and blaming your goosebumps on the air-conditioning...so that your date doesn't think you're a skirt.
In fact; to hell with what your date thinks. If she's not scared by this film too, then she's got brain problems.
You don't want any of her sugar.

I, and legions of like-minded Deadites, would have welcomed a Bruce Campbell appearance, but alas that was not to be on this particular outing. (At least the Oldsmobile cameo is present) Apparently, Bruce was busy with Burn Notice during production and the schedules clashed.
No drama. He is missed...but the film does not suffer as a result. It stands on it's own two hooves and comfortably rests upon Raimi's mantle now, along with his other past work.

I could write about this film all day, but I don't want to ruin any of its potency by overloading you with blow-by-blow information. I'll wrap things up by saying that Alison Lohman does a great job in the lead role and reminds me that I've actually missed her presence. I thought she was great in Matchstick Men, back in the day, but I haven't really seen her in much since. This needs to change.
Another actress who needs to be thrown into WAY more movies after her performance here is Lorna Raver as the gypsy woman. She is flat-out fantastic as Mrs. Ganush. From her powerful mixed bag of emotions in the bank scene to her pure whirlwind of vengeful, unrelenting rage during the carpark attack and more; this woman is two scoops of awesome. She's absolutely terrifying and manages to convey a sense of haunting malevolence throughout the entire runtime...all while looking, basically, like just an old gypsy woman. Raimi doesn't rely on an overload of prosthetics or make-up which could have blunted the performance. He simply hired a very talented actor and had her bring the role to life.
High praise to her.
She created a memorable character that achieved the perfect goal for this kind of film; ...you're glad she's not after you.

So go and watch Drag Me To Hell, folks.
It's high-quality, spooky goodness that fills you up yet leaves you hungry for more.
Throughout the entire course you'll find yourself jumping in fright or laughing...in fright, as only Raimi knows how. I could not be happier that he is preparing this flavour of dish again and I eagerly await the next meal.

Besides, it has a demonic goat that calls a young lady a whore.
That's a spice that not many directors can successfully cook with.

Groovy.

CORALINE

I have just met an amazing young lady.
Her name...is Caroline.
Oops, sorry. CORAline.
A simple mistake, but a mistake nonetheless, and when I am speaking of such high-quality storytelling as Coraline most definitely is; I do not wish to trigger and launch my avalanche of praise with a mere mistake. No matter how simple.
Speaking of mistakes, errors, general oversights or false beliefs; allow me to make one thing remarkably clear:
Coraline http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327597/ will (hopefully) be the film that finally sets all of the misguided souls straight and makes them understand just who it was that directed The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Henry Selick, hand in hand with Coraline, will finally be led out from the dark, musty, shadow of that other guy and into the blinding spotlight where he will receive the long overdue praise that he rightly deserves.

I loved this film.
I thought it was going to be good. I was not expecting it to be amazing.
I'll not spoil the experience for you by laying out the whole plot but I'll just say that Coraline is a young girl who discovers a seemingly perfect alternate world via a tunnel in her new home. If I say any more, plot-wise, I'll be doing you a disservice. Just go and watch the damn thing. It's simply awesome.
I'll also throw in that I love Alice In Wonderland, and this film definitely shares some of the same ingredients. But please know that Selick and Neil Gaiman (who wrote the original novella) have baked a completely different cake with Coraline.
I have to be honest with myself; it's better than Alice In Wonderland...and that's saying a lot coming from me.
It's better than Pan's Labyrinth. (You heard me.)
It's better than Labyrinth. (Sorry, Bowie.)
Coraline has easily taken the crown from these previous works of the 'girl in fantasy world' genre and confidently sits upon the throne as queen.
I do believe she will enjoy a very long reign, indeed.


(Sorry, Alice. Coraline is the better film.)

Coraline is like being in a fantastic dream...but then you wake up and the real world is just as fascinating. This film does not suffer from a condition that I call 'Matrix Syndrome', where the real world within a story is ridiculously bland and tasteless compared to the fantasy realm. This is often the case in tales that involve 2 separate worlds and one can often find themselves saying, “Holy crap. PLEASE return to the magical and interesting postcode.”
Because, really; once you've seen a guy flip off walls and pull an entire catalogue of martial arts moves out of his ass...you're really not in the mood to then watch them sit around in a tin can...in the dark...and eat oatmeal or dance in a cave.
For 3 movies.


(Stop discussing baking and do a jump kick.)

Thankfully, (for the audience) Coraline's real world is just as intriguing as her 'other' world and there is no sense of dilution or begrudging tolerance whenever we're watching her everyday life.
As soon as the film began...with an unsettling opening credit sequence involving rag-doll surgery...my senses were locked on a variety of settings ranging from wonder, awe and pure childlike fascination. I marvelled at the stop-mo animation (that still manages to look badass in a market flooded by CG), delighted in the brilliant score (that reminded me of the classic Peter and The Wolf vibe of individual pieces and musical themes for individual characters) and allowed myself to become fully immersed in Coraline's adventures.
...Then something changed.
Coraline, and myself, started to feel...a tad suspicious about things that we were seeing and hearing.
There seemed to be a dark shadow to accompany every light.
There was a bittersweet aftertaste to our surroundings.
Subtle hints popped up like a forced smile or a stuffed octopus playfully saying that it wants to “hug your face”.
...Really, octopus? Soooo...like, suffocate me? Interesting.
It was a sense of foreboding that you couldn't quite latch your fingers around and get a solid grip upon, but it was there.
And it was growing.
I believe that particular unspeakable sense of menace that dwells behind the warm, friendly, candy-scented world is one of the main reasons why this film is so damn exceptional.
If you're gonna make a memorable kids movie, you must accept the darkness.
Just look at old Grimm's fairytales and such. Nice old lady makes a delicious home of candy and baked goods? Yeah? Wonderful.

That bitch wanted to EAT children.


(Bake? She has no arms. Her story is full of holes, kids.)

Hansel and Gretel is a classic, yo. And for good reason.
Stories like that stand the test of time because they have the balls to call it like it is.
The life of a child is not all happiness, naps and sandwiches sans crusts.
There's drama to be found in the playground, folks.
I remember when I was a kid. You believed that there were all kinds of unspeakable shit living within your closet, beneath your bed...and within the old wooden crate in the woods that stunk of old meat and shrieked when you threw rocks at it. Timmy said not to go near it, but what did he know? His mum was a drunk and she screamed at the leaves while raking.

...Ahem.

My point is, that generally, the best kinds of children's story, fairytale, junior fiction and so forth that go down in history as classics are the ones that EMBRACE and acknowledge the dark, evil and sinister sides of life that are present at all times...EVEN during childhood.
Coraline is one such story that is undoubtedly destined to become a classic.
Now that a film like this exists, current and future generations of young girls and daughters are going to be able to respond without thinking twice when asked what their favourite film is.

Hell, I'm a 28 year old guy and this film made me feel like I was 13 again. I wanted to hang out with Coraline and explore her new home until we were called in for dinner time.
Then do it all over again.

HIGHLY recommended.

THE HANGOVER

Okay, I just saw The Hangover.
All I'm going to say is that it involves a scene where someone tries to drug a tiger by giving it a steak filled with date-rape drugs.
(You should already be grabbing your car keys, after that sentence)
The man preparing the spiked beef is questioned as to why he is bothering to season it with pepper.
This man responds in a calm and serious manner with the following line:

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon."

That man looks like this:



This awesome gentleman is referred to, at one point, as "Fat Jesus".
If the prospect of seeing a drugged jungle-cat and a plump, Christ-like oaf in Vegas shenanigans does not have you hastily purchasing tickets, then I cannot help you.
Perhaps some other blog will provide you with the cultural and entertainment nourishment that you require.

Now personally, in a Vegas-set comedy, I expect to see WAY more tits than what was displayed here, but hey, maybe that's just me being high-brow. Nonetheless, it's a pretty decent comedy that is made memorable by the aforementioned oafish performance by Zach Galifianakis.
High praise to you indeed, sir.

TERMINATOR SALVATION

You know how when there's nothing decent at the video store so you just rent some sexy thriller from the Weekly section and then hungrily skip chapters or fast forward until you reach the scenes where the hot dame gets her jugs out for the private detective, bounty hunter, security guard...or all of the above?


(This is not what I meant by 'sexy thriller')

Well, that basic process is exactly why I suggest y'all wait for DVD to watch Terminator Salvation. Then you can comfortably skip along through this nonsense and get to the good parts.
Except instead of hunting for scenes of oiled-up booby action, you will be keeping your eyes peeled for any of the scenes where Christian Bale is absent.
(After that, you could then skip through The Dark Knight as well, cause Bale ruined that horribly overrated flick too. The Joker and Two-Face were the only reasons to even press PLAY, y'all. Face it. I speak the truth.)
Speaking of overrated things that like to grumble, complain and yell; let's give special mention to Christian Bale shall we?
In fact, let's break it down into a simple mathematical equation that would please Miles Bennett Dyson:

(Terminator Salvation) – (Christian Bale) = (Decent Sci-Fi Flick)

I'm not saying that The Bale is the only problem with this movie, but let me just say that his John Connor is the most noticeable piece of trash that sits the highest; rotting in the sun, upon this towering mass of expensive, wasteful garbage.
Put on your gloves, folks, for we're about to pick through the debris...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE:
- Sam Worthington is awesome. It is fitting that this instalment of the Terminator franchise is dubbed 'Salvation', as Worthington's character Marcus, does his best to save this weak, unnecessary picture.
He generally succeeds in this task too, as the scenes involving Marcus are the only ones worth watching and the only scenes in which you're not more concerned with your popcorn. From lunging off an exploding bridge at a flying HK while brandishing an axe to escaping a mined compound, Marcus gets the best action scenes (and the best scenes in general) throughout the movie.
This is Marcus' film, not Connor's. End of story.


"I agree. This IS my film. ...The girl too."

Worthington displays the right blend of badass toughness, confused loneliness, a sprinkle of humour and a riveting screen presence that adds up to create a performance that absolutely blows Bale off the screen...and I expected as much. I have been praising this guy since I first saw him in Dirty Deeds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0280605/ back in 2002.
Whenever I'd mention him to people over the years they'd usually respond with, “Who?”
Now they can at least respond with, “Who? Oh, the guy who was the only good thing in Terminator Salvation?”
The plus side is that this film will raise his profile, so that audiences can be better prepared for the carnival of awesome that will be James Cameron's AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ where Worthington is apparently in EVERY scene.
Nice.

- T-600 model Terminators are badass. They're like big, stumbling drunk stepfathers that stagger in on Xmas eve and open fire on the dog, the tree and the eggnog bowl with a high-calibre mini gun before cursing their boss, soiling themselves and collapsing into the pile of presents. They should have had a bunch of these things just aimlessly wandering in and out of the film as comic relief. You'd see one staggering around in the background of a really dramatic scene and it'd just happily go about its business of shooting at rocks and wildlife with reckless abandon until it either clumsily tripped and toppled over giggling...or Christian Bale yelled at it for being in the shot.
It would probably just cry and shut down its circuits until the big, bad, loud human left and it could resume it's happy adventure of plodding along with a joyful stride, a spinning chain-gun of death and whistling a happy tune.

- Kyle Reese was pretty decent.
When I heard Anton Yelchin was going to play Reese, I was indifferent.
Then, after I had seen Yelchin's performance in the new Star Trek, I felt like stabbing myself in the armpit with a corkscrew.
Luckily, Yelchin brought his A-game to his Reese performance. At first, I felt like he was just playing some young guy who just happened to be named Reese to please the fans, but then as the film went on, I could really believe that this kid would grow up to be the badass Kyle Reese that Michael Biehn created on the screen so memorably. Young Reese's speech about survival to other prisoners was particularly effective and contained a strong Biehn vibe, in my opinion.
Well done, Yelchin. You did the character proud.

- The T-800 and Arnold's 'cameo', so to speak, were kind of cool. Sure, the CG looked a little off with his face, but I figured that it's supposed to be a robot wearing skin...NOT a human, so I was okay with this minor hiccup.
No harm – No foul.

HUMANS ARE DOOMED:
- At one point, John Connor hot-wires a motorbike robot thing while playing 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns N Roses on his still-functioning 90's boom-box and reminding us all that Edward Furlong gave a superior performance in Terminator 2 when he wasn't even an actor and that we should all be watching that awesome film instead of this crap.
After the hasty, and surprisingly simple hacking of the aforementioned 2-wheeled death-machine, John then proceeds to ride the robot – NOT BIKE, kids; ROBOT – along the highway like freakin' Peter Fonda.
Hey John, ...uh, where's the seat and the handlebars? Because Skynet would not have catered to human comfort, controls or transportation when designing this sleek, efficient, highway-patrolling death-bike created solely for the purpose of KILLING HUMANS. If you're going to give me that whole riding scene, then you damn well better give me an ensuing comedy montage sequence where Connor constantly falls off the bike over and over again at high speed and suffers horrible injuries as the road surface shreds his squishy human flesh...WITH an accompanying score of upbeat banjo music.
Serve up bullshit, you better make sure it's funny bullshit, McG. Just like your name.
Oh, snap.

- Why was one of the T-600s wearing a bandanna?
I hope that there is a deleted scene out there that involves a couple of Skynets design + construction robots engaged in a conversation regarding the T-600's accessories:
Robot 1: “The humans will surely recognise this model.”
Robot 2: “Humans are simple creatures. This looks like a human to me. I fail to see the problem.”
Robot 1: “...It has no skin.”
Robot 2: “Excellent observation. Suggestions? ...A wristwatch, perhaps?”
Robot 1: “I'm thinking more along the lines of headwear.”
Robot 2: “Bandanna?”
Robot 1: “Bandanna.”
(Both robots vibrate in approval)
Robot 2: “We are totally going to get promoted.”

- There is a giant, pissed-off, building-sized, walking robot that stomps across the post-apocalyptic landscape and collects humans like Pokemon.
Fair enough.
Now, I'm no scientist *GASP!* but even I feel confident enough to go out on a limb and boldly hypothesize that such a colossal mechanised abomination would make some kind of sound.
But no.
This towering, metallic nightmare is capable of a stealthy approach that makes one assume its crushing hooves of steel are covered by sound-dampening, fluffy, bunny slippers.
One minute the humans are hanging about in a stylish abandoned gas-station and then, before anyone can say “Thank you, I'd love some of these old vegetables that you've kept in a dirty, unrefrigerated basement.”, the roof is ripped open and Biggy McRobot appears via teleportation or some other equally-silent mode of transportation.


(As whisper-quiet as a harmless household appliance, apparently)

- At one point, John Connor gets attacked by some hydro-bot things that look like big mechanical eels.
In fact, they're reminiscent of the shrieking eels from The Princess Bride. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/
The only difference being that The Princess Bride is a kickass movie, while this, on the other hand, is not.
Ol' Johnny Boy soon starts to get quite flustered by these wiggling opponents and I couldn't understand why he didn't just climb out of the WAIST-DEEP water and pick them all off from the safety of the river bank.
C'mon, Bale, at least yell at them.


(These guys could handle evil shrieking eels. John Connor, however, could not)

- Bale is a joke.
Media hype and outburst aside; he brings absolutely nothing to the table here.
Also, there was not a single meaty scene involving Bale and Bryce that could even come close to hoping to justify Bale's outburst. Where is this amazing scene or shot that was in such dire peril of being destroyed by a crew member entering your eye-line and shattering your delicate focus, huh?
Pathetic.
The performance was absolute rubbish and Bale has managed to stain yet another awesome character on the screen.


“Skynet is hunting humans...not BATS! I'm a genius, Mom.”

Edward Furlong is still the best John Connor to date and it is insulting to his work, and the franchise, to think that his John could grow up into the bland, stale jackass that Bale has portrayed here.
Every time a robot caused John pain, I smiled.
Hell, halfway through this film, my buddy and I started cracking jokes and basically holding up sports-supporter flags that said, “GO, SKYNET, GO!”
Now, I'm not gonna waste any more words on Bale and his rant and so forth. Enough has been said and I couldn't care less now. It's just a shame that this is performance is yet another lame roadside attraction on the downward slope of cracked highway that seems to be Bale's career of late.
I actually used to be a MASSIVE Bale fan.
I love American Psycho.
The Machinist is excellent, he more than held his own in The Prestige and I think I'm probably the only person that likes Reign of Fire.
However, when I consider his attitude in relation to his rant and such, plus the fact that his performances have been getting worse instead of better, I have to be honest with myself and admit that he isn't the awesome actor he used to be anymore.
Could he turn it all around? Of course he could, and I would actually welcome that.
But I'm not gonna become a fan again just because that's the trendy thing to do. Just as I am not anti-Bale now simply because it's the flavour of the month.
It's all about decency and facts, yo.
His Batman is terrible, his John Connor is pathetic and if my best friend said stuff like Bale did to that crew member, then I'd even call my friend a dickhead.

Bah. To hell with this film.
If Sarah Connor was here, she'd stab Bale in the knee with a ballpoint pen for this.

TWILIGHT

Well, well, well.
I finally saw Twilight, folks.
Let's get straight into it and look at the good and the bad, shall we?
(NOTE: I haven't read the books and I do not intend to. I've never been a fan of the whole 'romantic vampires' nonsense. I'm not into vampires that see humans as potential dates instead of buffets.)

THE GOOD:
- The locations and the weather. What a cool town. I love the whole gloomy overcast vibe. Nice and atmospheric. That's my kind of place. I mean, besides all of the vampires. ...Actually, screw that. Who cares about these so-called 'vampires'. These guys are an insular little tribe of blow-dried pansies. Get the Frog Brothers round for the weekend and we could wreck every one of these clowns before you could say “Watch me stab this Next Top Model in the scrotum.”
(Oh, and if y'all don't get that Frog Brothers reference, then you're probably reading the wrong blog)


“What do you mean they fucking sparkle?”

- At one point a friendly Asian guy tries to impress Bella through the ancient courtship practice of presenting a large earthworm to her on a stick as he cackles with glee.
Bella is unimpressed.
I dunno, man; chicks these days.

- Alice Cullen is hot. Edward would be better off ignoring Bella and simply go about adding 'cursed family incest' to his growing resume of unsavoury extra-curricular activities which currently includes breaking and entering, blood drinking and...uh, reckless driving.


(She rips the head off an 'evil' vampire. Awww, cute)

- I quite liked the way that Edward describes himself as being the prefect predator and how he is 'designed to kill'. He mentions his looks and his scent and how they're designed to be inviting and draw the prey in. It's an interesting angle on the predator & prey dynamic that I had not seen before.
Unfortunately, here it's just a fragment of one little scene, whereas that kind of treatment of vampire biology could potentially lay the groundwork for a really solid film.
But hey, why strive to make a quality film when they can just scribble out some damp, flimsy high-school tale about pretty people complaining about their, like, totally super-important love problems, right?

- Bella's dad was sitting there cleaning his double-barrel shotgun while getting drunk. Indeed.
It's almost like he was just WAITING to hear his ripe teen daughter utter the sentence, “Daddy, my boyfriend is a vampire. Can I have some money?”
Then Papa Swan could let his trigger do the parenting and there's nothing like booze to lubricate the tongue before speaking the phrase, “I was just protecting my family, Officer”.
Crafty bastard. The Van Helsing family would be proud.

THE BAD:
- The music is horrible. I'm not hacking on the soundtrack or anything, I'm talkin' bout the score, Willis. Bella nearly gets crushed by a vehicle before Broody McSuck rescues her. Ooooooh, can you taste the tension as the pair's eyes meet and this revelation changes everything? Wow. Tension. ...Perfect time to drop in some horribly out of place teen rock vibe in the background. Nonsense. Oh, and special mention must be made of the rising music during Eddie's introduction. It's basically saying, “Hey, morons in the audience, this guy is important. Take notes.”
Now don't blame me for the 'moronic audience' comment. Like what you wanna like, folks. I'm not insulting you. Hell, I don't need to.
This film insults it's audience more than I ever could.

- Could this movie be any more heavy-handed? I was waiting for subtitles to pop up on screen or maybe a karaoke-style bouncy ball that hops along at the bottom of the screen and says stuff like “You...Should...FEEL...(EMOTION).................NOW!”
It treated the audience like they were the dumbest collection of over-medicated, mind-crippled apes to ever accidentally stumble into a cinema (or lounge room).
They have whole scenes involving vampire lore, history and a god damned avalanche of hints...and then trusty ol' Detective Bella will confidently drop a priceless line like, “Edward is a vampire.”
...Wow. Thanks for that. All this time, I thought he was a fucking Gremlin.
Don't get him wet, dumbass.


(Possibly Edward Cullen)

- A sparkling vampire is one of the dumbest things I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing.
Didn't the writer of this book have ANY honest friends? Surely someone would've had the balls to say, “They sparkle? Really? ...I suppose they eat rainbows too? Next they'll be playing tennis together. ...What? Baseball? ...I hate you. Don't ever call me again."

- Bella surely must be dead. With the exception of her near orgasm face during her first biology class with Eddie-C, she basically shows zero signs of life throughout the films duration. What's that, Ed? You say you can't read Bella's mind? Yeah, that's cause she's brain-dead. Only white noise on that channel, yo.
There has to be a prequel coming soon that shows how she was bitten by a zombie and turned into a walking corpse.
In fact, I would totally go and see that, yo. Some saucy, zombie dame falls in love with some pretty-ass vampire gent and they hunt humans, eat flesh, drink blood, have freaky, limber undead sex and fight a legion of poetry-quoting, cannibal monks known as La Fraternite d'Os.
That's a date movie right there, folks.

- The vampires don't have fangs. Pathetic.


(Fangs AND boobs on display = Double points, sweetheart)

- I never want to see a vampire run like these twits ever again. The effects on display here would be put to shame by children's shadow-puppetry. No wait; y'know the puppets in Team America? You remember how they kind of float and bounce along to make them 'walk'? Yeah, well those puppets have a better sense of weight and are more convincing than the half-assed, bizarre, hover-mode that these vampy-wampys go into when running is required. And just wait till you see them leap amongst the trees. Hilarious. It's worse than watching Robin Williams bob along through the air in Hook.
...Hmmm, actually, Peter Pan was a boy who never grew old, had no shadow and was involved in all kinds of weird shit that would cause normal parents to raise an eyebrow.
I should write a Peter Pan flick where he's a vampire that feeds upon Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
Captain Hook could be a vampire hunter hired by Wendy's parents. He just has a disfigured left hand that never properly developed during birth, lending it a hook-like appearance. This imperfection is why, as a boy, his family was killed by vampires but he was spared. They saw his hand as a sign of imperfection and they only drink of pure blood.
There's potential there.


"Oh Peter, are you hungry?"

STATE OF PLAY (2009)

I just saw State Of Play http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473705/
It's one of those movies that is fundamentally a good film, but it just isn't sticky enough to cling to the walls of your memory for too long.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I enjoyed watching it, but it just won't be getting a comfortable, well-furnished piece of real-estate on my DVD shelf when it comes out, if you catch my drift.
While there is nothing “bad” about this film it simply did not have any moments where it slapped me across the face and told me who's the boss, y'know?

(Not this time, Danza)

Russell Crowe was great as usual. He constantly delivers and he's just one of those actors that starts to feel like an old friend who you always enjoy reuniting with on-screen. He's like a guy who's always got good stories and tells them well.
Rachel McAdams also brings her refreshing, 'best-girlfriend-ever' charm to the proceedings. While her role does not require her to do much heavy-lifting or reinvent the wheel as such; she fills the character's shoes well and looks comfortable walking in them alongside a veteran like Crowe.

(This dame is front page news, yo)

I have to throw praise upon Affleck as well; especially considering another review I had read mentioned that he was the weak link, so to speak.
Utter nonsense.
Affleck is an easy target for many people I feel, and it's unfair. The guy is underrated. I just think it's a case of putting him in the right movie. Sure, he's had his low points film-wise; but the guy hits WAY more than he misses. (Check out Good Will Hunting, of course, plus Chasing Amy http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118842/ and Changing Lanes http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264472/ )
Just watch the way his character deals with some awful news in the middle of an important political hearing. His professional mask starts to crack and that small moment of weakness conveys more than a whole page of dialogue could. Affleck more than holds his own in this picture and a few of his scenes actually allow him more flair and room to stretch than some of Crowe's.
My crystal ball is in the shop at the moment, so I cannot comment about the “What If?” scenario and film that could have resulted had original stars Brad Pitt and Edward Norton remained on the project. All I can say is that you take the current players and then throw in Helen Mirren as a deadline-conscious editor under pressure, Robin Wright Penn, Jason Bateman and the always reliable Jeff Daniels and you've got no weak links in this cast, yo.
I've got no drama with Kevin Macdonald either. He directed The Last King Of Scotland http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455590/ which was an excellent piece of viewing and his involvement was one of the this film's attractions for me.

So maybe it's because I'm not Johnny Politics or maybe I should check out the original BBC miniseries, but this flick is not one that's going to stay with me long after the drive home.
A solid story was told and I had a good time along the way in the company of those involved, but I never felt that 'cinematic tingle' that let's me know when I'm watching something destined to be a classic.
But hey, that's just me.
Give it a play. It might tingle you.

YOUNG GUNS

REGULATORS!
That's right, y'all. Let's talk about the Young Guns movies...

1. I've always been a tad perplexed when it came to the Regulators VS Buckshot Roberts shoot-out.
How in the hell did that one old guy gain the upper hand? He was severely outnumbered and was trapped in an outhouse.
Now, I've not read The Art Of War by Sun Tzu, but I will bet with considerable confidence that there is NOT a chapter in there that advises you to seek out a combat situation where you face greater numbers of opponents from within a flimsy, wooden shack that reeks of shit.
In fact, with the exception of flinging a near-unlimited supply of faeces at your attackers and maybe inflicting a bothersome splinter or two should they try to scale the walls of your lavatorial fortress, I can only think of one other tactical advantage that ol' Buckshot would have had.
I'm no combat strategist, but it's the best theory I've got.
Prepare thyself and behold...the moustache.

(That thing probably reloads for him)

I mean, seriously. Just look at that fucking monstrosity. I bet it probably got a pay cheque.

Anyhow, that's my only theory as to how the Regulators got schooled, but that still doesn't soften the blow. Hell, just look at it from the Regulators' point of view. Imagine explaining Charlie Sheen's character's death to his dame, if he had one:
“Uh, yeah, a violent old man who was 85% moustache shot Dick from the safety of his bullet-proof toilet.”
That would be a hard sell, I'm guessing.

2. Emilio Estevez completely owns both pictures, and that is all there is to it. His portrayal of Billy The Kid is a remarkable performance. Billy is like the most loyal, dependable and honest friend that you could ever hope to have at your side... who also happens to get blinded by revenge and kill people just as easily as he'll unleash that infectious boyish laughter of his.

(He'll be whistling soon)

Billy is a volatile cocktail of insanity and fearless ambition, and none see this with more clarity than Kiefer Sutherland's character 'Doc' Scurlock. His point of view is what leads to one of the strongest elements in these films. The Billy vs Doc dynamic is so potent because the audience starts to see Billy as Doc does.
We watch as Billy becomes a young man fuelled by a desire for justice trying to outrun the consequences of his actions that began noble but rapidly spiralled out of control as his insanity and lust for glory blinded him.
And yet his friends follow him, Doc included, because Billy's charisma and preaching about loyalty amongst 'pals' is so powerful that he inspires hope when all seems hopeless.
Also, I think we can all agree that the “Yoo-Hoo. I'll make you famous.” line is flat-out badass and says volumes about Billy and his unquenchable ego.

3. Ever noticed how Jack Palance seems to deliver lines as though he's been really exerting himself and he's just been caught doing something seedy so now he's trying to catch his breath and explain?
That always creeped me out. Even in movies like City Slickers.

4. Lou Diamond Phillips. Sigh. What the hell happened? I just don't understand. He's amazing in this and many other films (Go and watch The Big Hit. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120609/ NOW), yet he's not a bigger star. Beats me.
Chavez is a great character and Phillips brings more than his share to the table. He tears himself apart when he delivers his monologue about his butchered family in YG and his lonely walk in YG II is like watching one of your best friends leave you.
Although, I would like to know how Chavez managed to teleport in the final house siege of YG. Spirit world? Fair enough.
Teleporting? Hmmm, that's probably gonna take more peyote than is considered safe, Chavez.
Screw it. He's still awesome.

5. William Petersen is excellent as Pat Garrett. It's always sad seeing Pat and Billy part ways. Pat loves Billy like a brother, but he also has the sense to see that Billy is damaged goods and to follow him any further is to invite nothing but ruin. I'm not excusing Pat's actions or anything, mind, I'm just saying that I can understand why Pat felt he needed to sever all ties lest those ties pull him down deeper and eventually, hang him.
After Petersen gained so much exposure as Gil Grissom on CSI, I always love seeing him in his prime in stuff like this, Manhunter http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091474/ and the awesome To Live And Die In LA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090180/
If you haven't checked out Petersen in his young badass days, do so. He's exceptional.
Oh and when Pat Garrett steps out from the darkness, there's a touch of Alan Silvestri score that is rather reminiscent of Silvestri's fantastic Predator score. It actually crops up a few more times in the movie, too. (This is not a bad thing, it just got me thinking about Predators in the old west and reminded of a rumour that circulated AGES ago about Robert Rodriguez doing a new Predator movie where he'd wind the clock back and have a Predator hunt some pirates on the high seas and so forth.
I have to say; even though I'm a hardcore Predator fan and that first film is sacred to me, I'd like to see what Rodriguez could do with the franchise.
As long as he sticks to his own part of the yard, so to speak. No remake nonsense is required.)

6. Casey Siemaszko as the pugilistic Charlie has also always been a favourite character of mine. He manages to turn beating the shit out of someone into a refined, almost gentlemanly endeavour in which punching a belligerent cowboy in the face and kidneys comes off as the proper thing to do. All this from a conflict that was not even his fight. Yep, good ol' Charlie went out of his way to introduce the problem-solving wonders of fisticuffs to that situation. The man has commitment to his craft, says I.
But Charlie isn't all grammar-correction and knuckles. I've always loved the way he reacts upon realising that the path he and his friends have followed can only lead to a noose; he goes to visit a hooker.
Not for a tumble.
No, not to kidney-punch her, either.
He just wants a hug. Simple as that. It's like a boy realising that he's just been pretending to be a man.

Oh, and Casey Siemaszko was friends with Kiefer Sutherland in Stand By Me and played the guy with the 3-D glasses in Back To The Future. Why is this worth mentioning, you ask? Cause Billy Zane played his hoodlum amigo as well.

(Everybody needs a friend like Billy Zane)

FISH BASKET

Now, I'm not against multiplayer gaming, as such. I enjoy a small glass of it here and there with dinner, but generally, I prefer to game solo.
I like the escapism.
It allows me to forget about the mundane, cement-like reality in which I'm stuck, where I'm not married to a pornstar nor do I fight goblins regularly with a band of trusted comrades in enchanted woodlands.

(Not my wife)

That is not to say that I whimper and cower like a moist Mogwai when a friend passes me a controller and wishes to enter the game arena hand-in-hand. Most certainly not.
In fact, I happen to have such an amigo with whom I often battle alongside, or against, depending on the scenario.
(For the sake of security and fan-mail risk, let's say my friend is...uh, Ash from Evil Dead. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083907/ Cause he's awesome.)

“Say chum, I've got a swell new game! Shall we play?”

Well, one evening, Ash informed me that a recent game he'd played had a really fun multiplayer mode.
I started to snore.
He pressed the matter and said that, “No really. It's pretty damn fun.” or something to that effect. I cannot be sure as I had begun screaming at this point.
When I paused for breath, Ash tried again and managed to utter a sentence that was so intriguing in its absurd content that I was forced to halt my planned seizure and allow him to proceed.
The sentence went a little something like this:

“C'mon, it's a plastic figure kung-fu game and you can throw fish into a basket.”

It was like hearing a magic spell. My mind was gripped by those words and the fish-throwing enthusiast inside me told me, nay, COMMANDED me to play the game that was on offer.
The game was Rag Doll Kung Fu: Fists of Plastic for the PS3.

(Punch ANYONE who interferes with your 'fish + basket' agenda)

I'm not going to get into a full-blown, dressed up review with all the trimmings and its hair done. That's not happening here, folks. I'm just here to do what I feel is proper as a writer and as a responsible member of society.
I mean, imagine if a situation came along where you had the opportunity to fling floppy, unconscious fish at a basket while some loose-jointed, leaping martial-arts nutcase bounced around with flailing menace and tried to smash you in the face with sticks, nunchaku and energy blasts all in an effort to steal your hard-earned green salmon...AND I DIDN'T inform you.
You would be a hearty bowl of pissed off, you would.
So that's why I had to share this experience with y'all. Fish-throwing needs to reach a wider audience.

And boy was it fun.

Within seconds, Ash and I were both cackling with laughter and cursing each other's bloodlines as we bounced around, kicking each other, swinging from poles, throwing fireballs, smashing pots and carrying out various other styles of buoyant mayhem.
All in the name of preventing one another from throwing a floppy, bouncing fish into a basket.

Hey, perhaps that's the magic ingredient that multiplayer games require in order to attract me.
If Modern Warfare 2 allows me to lob tuna instead of grenades, then hello Game Of The Year.

DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)

So there I was the other night; watching the 2004 Dawn of the Dead and some elements in that enjoyable family film struck me as ripe for wise-ass commentary and witty remarks.
Enjoy.

1. Sarah Polley and Medium-Husband make out after getting aroused by power tools and the concept of dismembering the undead with said stimulating machinery. Hell, if that was all it took to score the digits from swell, classy dames like Sarah Polley then I'd have been lurking about hardware store power-tool aisles with a slack jaw, hungry thoughts and armed with my best amorous moan plus reservations for deux.

"...Is that a Husqvarna?"

Hey, it could work. Who are you to judge, with your clean ironed shirt and your enclosed footwear?
Screw you, guy. I hope a zombie eats your girlfriend. You know what I'm talkin' about.

2. Andre gets all weird and creepy as he goes about protecting his infected chica and her toxic womb filled with a zombie larvae hell-bent on making the nearest person's moist flesh the source of its nourishment. And by “nourishment” I mean it'll bite the fuck out of you with it's zombie infant gums. And how does the proud father go about 'protecting' his cursed offspring? By loading a clip and then unloading hot rounds, wild-west duel style, into a kindly old woman who wanted to check on the status of his wife. That's what being neighbourly gets you, folks; shot in the torso by some Father of the Year candidate as he defends his right to infect the local mall (planet later) with his gangsta-zombie hybrid spawn.
Fuck neighbourly, yo.

(Not Pictured) His kind, elderly target.

3. They probably could've saved Andy.
I'm just sayin'.
When the dog was in NO PERIL AT ALL cause zombies are apparently too upper-crust to feast on canine flesh, Nicole dropped her copy of Hot Redhead Weekly and hauled ass over to Andy's House of Bullets to come to the rescue.
The rescue of a very safe dog.
What a bitch.
Yeah, who needs Andy? The guy's only a crack shot with a sniper rifle and has a respectable ponytail. Oh yeah, he's also just a badass military chap with an Aladdin's fucking cave-worth of weaponry.
He'd be like, “Hey genie, I wish for some guns to fight this zombie plague. ...Wait, I already have them. Cancel that shit, G. Bring me a fucking Twix, yo. I'm set.”

That is, if a genie-filled lamp was involved. (Probably next remake.)

But noooooOOO. Nicole risks life and limb for the damn dog loaded with sandwiches.
The smart money was on Andy, y'all.
He probably had some sweet stories too. What's the dog gonna contribute around the campfire on Zombie-Free Island? Bark? Yeah. Gripping narrative, Chips.
...On the other hand (the hand I usually reserve for sexy dame-based decisions), Nicole is a well-baked slice of hotness cake, and if she, her dog or even her damn iPod was in danger from an impending horde of toothy, skin-craving Z-folk cursed to wander the earth (read: carpark) then I would put my pants back on and rush to the rescue post haste.

“We can make out after. Just fight the zombies, 'kay? Giggle”

4. CJ was a shitbag who overcame his jackass ways to rise above the level of asshole and give hope to pricks worldwide by becoming a useful, contributing member of the Anti-Zombie Alliance.
Instead of remaining a dick.
He goes from being the type of guy who everyone KNOWS pays for sex and then just beats the hooker until his pay-per view kicks in, to being...well, basically the same kind of gent, but he's more of a team player now and he knows how to blow shit up.
This newfound zest for cooperation and explosives is displayed no better than by his gallant act of sacrifice while destroying a truckload of ravenous freaks and a small pier; thus enabling his comrades to make their escape so that they may live on to remark, “Hey y'know, CJ was a pretty handy guy to have around back there. I started to forget what a complete anus he was to begin with.”

“REMEMBER MY POST-SHITBAG HEROISM!”

Boom.
Thanks, CJ. You're a sport.

And always remember...

Zombie Survival Rule # 53: Nicole is hot.