DAWN OF THE DEAD (2004)

So there I was the other night; watching the 2004 Dawn of the Dead and some elements in that enjoyable family film struck me as ripe for wise-ass commentary and witty remarks.
Enjoy.

1. Sarah Polley and Medium-Husband make out after getting aroused by power tools and the concept of dismembering the undead with said stimulating machinery. Hell, if that was all it took to score the digits from swell, classy dames like Sarah Polley then I'd have been lurking about hardware store power-tool aisles with a slack jaw, hungry thoughts and armed with my best amorous moan plus reservations for deux.

"...Is that a Husqvarna?"

Hey, it could work. Who are you to judge, with your clean ironed shirt and your enclosed footwear?
Screw you, guy. I hope a zombie eats your girlfriend. You know what I'm talkin' about.

2. Andre gets all weird and creepy as he goes about protecting his infected chica and her toxic womb filled with a zombie larvae hell-bent on making the nearest person's moist flesh the source of its nourishment. And by “nourishment” I mean it'll bite the fuck out of you with it's zombie infant gums. And how does the proud father go about 'protecting' his cursed offspring? By loading a clip and then unloading hot rounds, wild-west duel style, into a kindly old woman who wanted to check on the status of his wife. That's what being neighbourly gets you, folks; shot in the torso by some Father of the Year candidate as he defends his right to infect the local mall (planet later) with his gangsta-zombie hybrid spawn.
Fuck neighbourly, yo.

(Not Pictured) His kind, elderly target.

3. They probably could've saved Andy.
I'm just sayin'.
When the dog was in NO PERIL AT ALL cause zombies are apparently too upper-crust to feast on canine flesh, Nicole dropped her copy of Hot Redhead Weekly and hauled ass over to Andy's House of Bullets to come to the rescue.
The rescue of a very safe dog.
What a bitch.
Yeah, who needs Andy? The guy's only a crack shot with a sniper rifle and has a respectable ponytail. Oh yeah, he's also just a badass military chap with an Aladdin's fucking cave-worth of weaponry.
He'd be like, “Hey genie, I wish for some guns to fight this zombie plague. ...Wait, I already have them. Cancel that shit, G. Bring me a fucking Twix, yo. I'm set.”

That is, if a genie-filled lamp was involved. (Probably next remake.)

But noooooOOO. Nicole risks life and limb for the damn dog loaded with sandwiches.
The smart money was on Andy, y'all.
He probably had some sweet stories too. What's the dog gonna contribute around the campfire on Zombie-Free Island? Bark? Yeah. Gripping narrative, Chips.
...On the other hand (the hand I usually reserve for sexy dame-based decisions), Nicole is a well-baked slice of hotness cake, and if she, her dog or even her damn iPod was in danger from an impending horde of toothy, skin-craving Z-folk cursed to wander the earth (read: carpark) then I would put my pants back on and rush to the rescue post haste.

“We can make out after. Just fight the zombies, 'kay? Giggle”

4. CJ was a shitbag who overcame his jackass ways to rise above the level of asshole and give hope to pricks worldwide by becoming a useful, contributing member of the Anti-Zombie Alliance.
Instead of remaining a dick.
He goes from being the type of guy who everyone KNOWS pays for sex and then just beats the hooker until his pay-per view kicks in, to being...well, basically the same kind of gent, but he's more of a team player now and he knows how to blow shit up.
This newfound zest for cooperation and explosives is displayed no better than by his gallant act of sacrifice while destroying a truckload of ravenous freaks and a small pier; thus enabling his comrades to make their escape so that they may live on to remark, “Hey y'know, CJ was a pretty handy guy to have around back there. I started to forget what a complete anus he was to begin with.”

“REMEMBER MY POST-SHITBAG HEROISM!”

Boom.
Thanks, CJ. You're a sport.

And always remember...

Zombie Survival Rule # 53: Nicole is hot.

STAR TREK

Before I step off into the empty void of space and proceed to float about; shooting word-bullets at various targets including treks, beaming, horrible accents and saucy dames with green-skin (Oh yes), allow me to inform y'all that I am not a Trekkie or anything of that nature.
I basically don't know squat about the franchise.
Star Wars has always been my sci-fi cocktail of choice, and leaning upon the reliable sturdiness of that property's particular bar, I will drink more than my fill and spout off trivia and lore until a fight is triggered with the nearest Mon Calamari that looks at me sideways. (I think I could take a Mon Cal in a fight. Those eyes look vulnerable.)

(You are ALL thinking about poking his eye)

But I've gone off course.
I just wish to make it clear that while I have never been a FAN of Star Trek, so to speak; I have always respected it. I could always sense there was some meaty substance in there, but it was always being served up in the wrong way. The films just weren't using the right recipe.
It has always seemed like a car that has an awesome engine that could potentially blow other vehicles off the road...yet it was long overdue for a service by a competent mechanic and it's hideous paint job prevented the owner of said vehicle from gaining access to any tits, let alone juicy ass, in the backseat. All the owner could do was cradle his head in his hands as he sat atop the bonnet of this husk of a machine parked on Franchise Hill and stare out through moist eyes at the city lights below...as other couples proceeded to fumble, grope and probe each other with moderate to considerable success in the rear-end comfort of their respective “cars” that were, in comparison, finely-tuned machines worthy of, being raced and in-turn, witnessing being raced.

Luckily, the owner of the Star Trek “vehicle”, eventually pulled into the right garage for repairs.
The mechanic's name? Why, JJ Abrams, of course.
And I am pleased to say that the car races damn well now, in my opinion.

Enough car metaphors. This is a space picture. Let's get down to the facts that matter; heroes, villains and green-skinned nymphs.

- Chris Pine was awesome as James T. Kirk. He didn't “do a Shatner”, which was refreshing to see and he was just an all-round likeable character, in my opinion. Once again; due to my lack of classic Trek knowledge, I can't judge if he nailed the 'feel' of the original character, but from what I've heard from solid fans; he did a damn fine job. At the end of the day; did I buy that he was a cocky, yet gifted rookie captain and would I follow his further adventures? Hell yes. Sign me up.
- Bones was incredible. And quite a surprise, I might add. Karl Urban comes along with his 'Behold; for I'm so manly I eat large hunks of uncooked meat and many women know of my conquests of both bedroom AND battlefield nature.'-style and manages to slip comfortably into the twitchy, paranoid skin of Bones. I was very impressed. I'm a big Urban fan, but all I'd really seen was his 'action mode'. This new reveal was a delight.
- Solid script, says I. It wasn't garnished with an abundance of quotables, (that isn't necessarily a negative) but I did like Capt. Pike's “12 minutes...” line. The Trek moved along at a smooth rate and it visited a nice varied mixture of settings such as ice planets and the very welcome Academy-based scenes. I also never found myself saying, “Damn, I want more time with (insert character)”, which can often be the case with ensemble casts. The action was a big step in the right direction while wearing the correct boots, too. Especially when held in comparison to the past films' (the ones I've seen, at least) penchant for space-combat that is about as exciting as a Star Trek screensaver. Running on a slow computer. With a poor monitor. I really enjoyed the whole drill platform sequence. They managed to cram quite a variety of action elements into a tight locale, and I felt a convincing sense of peril.
- Green chicks are amazing. More of them in later films, please.

(My next girlfriend needs to have green skin or else)

- Nero was a solid villain and he did the job. It was interesting to see that he wasn't some cackling nutcase from Villains R Us, who cavorts about the lair with his assorted minions in tow like he's in a musical. An EVIL musical, but a musical nonetheless. Thumbs up, Nero.
- Zachary Quinto made a great Spock, and I've thought as much since I saw the first picture of him. I'm just looking forward to later films where he'll (hopefully) get the chance to emote a bit more, cause Quinto has some impressive skills but he doesn't really get to flash his credentials much during this adventure. Kudos to Nimoy as well, for bringing nothing but class, once again, to the role that made him a household name. It could've been gimicky, but 'classic' Spock felt like seeing an old friend.
- The Vulcan planet looked great. The stalactite buildings were an exceptional design and I would've liked to see more of such architecture.
- Pegg was fine, but I gotta say that the whole 'Scottie Comic Relief' schtick will get very annoying, very fast. Maybe it's just me, but I only really enjoy Pegg when he's teamed up with Frost and Wright. It seems like his point of that talent triangle isn't as sharp when isolated in other people's flicks. I'm still a huge Pegg fan, though.
- Winona Ryder? Huh? Nonsense.
- Beaming looked a bit weak to me. I wanted little blue lights, but no harm done.
- Chekov should NEVER speak again. Seriously.

So as I mentioned to begin with; I'm not a Trekkie and this reboot has not converted me into one. However, after this first adventure with JJ at the helm and this battle-proven crew on-board; I am not only willing to go on further treks, but I look forward to such expeditions.

Just make sure that Chekov gets his throat torn out by an alien at the start of the sequel.
Or have him dubbed over by Rade Serbedzija.
Awesome.

THE A-TEAM

1. Apparently, Joe Carnahan is directing it. ...I'm just gonna take a moment and giggle to myself in joy.
You've probably seen Smokin' Aces already, but you totally have to watch Narc as well, if you haven't already. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0272207/
It's one of the best cop dramas ever made. Fact.

2. Bradley Cooper is gonna play Faceman. Nice one. This Cooper cat has got style. I liked him in Wedding Crashers and he looks awesome in The Hangover. http://www.traileraddict.com/clip/the-hangover/red-band-clip-lost-doug
Word round the campfire is that he'll also score the Green Lantern gig. I'm not a GL fan, but from what I've seen, he'd be a solid choice.

***EDIT*** Apparently, Bradley Cooper IS NOT playing Faceman now. Oh well.


3. I've also heard that Common (aka One Of The Coolest People On Earth) may possibly play the Mr. T/Baracus role. I gotta say; I can see that. I may be biased cause I think that Common is one of the most promising new actors on screen these days, but I just feel that he'd fit really well.
Hell, the guy has menace down cold. His tiny role in the awesome Street Kings was a clinic on intimidation.

It's refreshing to hear remake/adaptation news that isn't toxic, no?