STREET FIGHTER: Beginnings End

Okay.
I'm impressed.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K-F4eCDyUU

Sure, the Ken wig is a bit distracting...but there is so much RIGHT about this film, that it easily overpowers one tiny cosmetic wrong.
The potential within this film and the accuracy is worthy of nothing but the highest praise.
I salute those involved and I wish that Hollywood would watch this and take notes.
These guys managed to get closer to an accurate Street Fighter vibe than Hollywood has managed to do with 2 feature films and massive budgets.
Pathetic.

Once again, I'm impressed.
Somebody PLEASE notice this work.

THE ABSENCE AND THE OSCARS

Greetings to you all...if there are any of you left standing...or reading, as would more accurately be the case perhaps.
First things first; please forgive my absence and unacceptable lack of updates.
You hunger for film-flavoured chunks of tasty blog posts like ravenous lizard-man slaves chained to the throne of some sadistic, scantily-clad nymphomaniacal queen sorceress...and I have not delivered.
Shame on me.
I have thrown no meaty slabs of prose before you so that you may feast upon my words and grow plump with cinema knowledge and insight.

This will not do.
Allow me to set things right.
Sink your fangs into this and suck deeply until you black out and fall unconscious upon a mountain of soft, velvety pillows surrounded by numerous eager slave-girls with soft, velvety...well, y'know...
Enjoy...

MY ABSENCE:

I moved.
Just like Skeletor who curses at He-Man and his cohorts daily because he covets Castle Greyskull, I too had problems regarding real-estate. I needed my own Castle Greyskull, if you will.
Hell, I would've even settled for a Snake Mountain.
Anyway, after searching high, low, high again and then giving low a second look, I finally found my new home with the help of my clan.
And yes, just like my hero, Skeletor; on my first evening within my new stronghold, I stood at the fortified gates (read: screen-door) and cackled insanely while declaring to all within earshot that I would now rule this dominion with a mighty fist.
A dog barking was the only response.
But trust me...that puppy sounded fucking scared, y'all.

After the move I was then forced to wait for about a month while my new Internet connection was being connected. That's all I shall say upon that matter, for the subject caused me considerable grief and set me back quite a few steps on the path towards sound mental health.
I will, however, take a moment to thank my brother kinsman who assisted me during this gruelling trial.
Some may say I'm overreacting, but c'mon. One can only go for so long without porn and various other websites...which, in turn, provide links to yet more porn.
Think of our ancestors. They had to hunt for food with clubs and spears, fight off wild animals, live in caves, tumble with dames that didn't wax...but at least THEY still had sweet ADSL hookups and swift, ready access to titty-sites.

I mean, I'm not a savage.
That month offline was brutal.

THE OSCARS:
Ugh. What a joke. Okay, I'm not even going to TRY to put on a T-shirt that says that 'I'm shocked', but by the gods, was it a crap affair.
In regard to actual cinema/movie/film-industry value, it has been absolute nonsense and a mere carnival of lies and general crap for years now (The 'magic' died for me the year Julia Roberts beat Ellen Burstyn), but there was always the zing and Hollywood-style flair and excitement of seeing your favourite stars and artists gathering together under one roof to take part in an impressive event that, regardless of inaccuracies, still possessed an overall scent of that wonderful 'movie magic'.

Well, this year the magic wasn't just absent; it felt like it had never even been there.
The entire evening felt tacky, forced and actually, quite low budget. Unacceptable.
But hey, at least I had the awards to look forward to, right?
WRONG! *John Matrix's gunshot*
What a perfect arrangement of absolute rubbish. Let's pick through it like vagrants, shall we?

GOOD:

Best Supporting Actor = Christoph Waltz
This was one of the few things that made me happy. His performance in INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0361748/ was beyond impressive. High praise to the man and congrats.

BAD:

Original Screenplay = THE HURT LOCKER http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0887912/
Sigh. I loved THE HURT LOCKER...but BASTERDS was a better screenplay. Simple as that. More effort and creativity went into one Act of Tarantino's script than within LOCKER'S entire page-count.

Best Picture = THE HURT LOCKER
Best Director = Kathryn Bigelow
HURT LOCKER, fair enough...but Cameron deserved Best Director y'all. No question.
As I said before, THE HURT LOCKER was an excellent film...but c'mon, there are plenty of war films just as good, if not better. Will I purchase THE HURT LOCKER when it's on disc? Of course. Will it replace FULL METAL JACKET http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093058/ as my favourite war movie? Sir, hell no, sir.
Now AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ and Cameron are a whole different story. They were robbed, basically. Yes, Kathryn Bigelow probably did an amazing job directing again (as she's been doing for years) but at the end of the day, she served up just another war film. A superb war film; but STILL just another war film.
Cameron, on the other hand, reinvented the god-damned wheel. Nay, scratch that. Cameron showed up and said, “That wheel sucks. Remove it. Now I'm going to build my own device to replace said wheel and as a result, this vehicle will now run smoother and more efficiently than any vehicles that have preceded it. ...Oh, and I'm going to overhaul the engine, spruce up the paint job and also throw in enough cup-holders to make you say, 'Holy shit. Look at all the cup-holders.'”
Long story short; the guy had his fingers in MANY pies. ...Which he also baked.
He went FAR beyond the call of duty, so to speak; achieving more in one film than most directors achieve in their entire careers.
Throw the guy some kudos, huh? A gold statue perhaps?
Cameron led an ENTIRE army into battle using new techniques and came out not only victorious but so inspiring that other directors now wish to follow in his footsteps and utilise these fresh innovations that he has pioneered.
“Best Director” would have been an understatement, had he won.
But hey; maybe that's just my opinion.

After all, Kathryn Bigelow did give us a quality film...and oh yeah, I think she's also a woman, apparently. The media kept mentioning that, so it must be important. I dunno.
Gotta keep it all fair, right Academy?

I guess I'll continue to sit all alone and naively think that the Oscars are based on actual merit, not gender, politics or whatever other bullshit is in the Top 10 that year.

(Let it be known right here and now that I'm a BIG fan of Kathryn Bigelow; NEAR DARK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093605/ and POINT BREAK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102685/ are badass. It is not her fault that this garbage surrounded her Oscar experience. High praise to her, regardless.)

Original Score = UP http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/
UP beat SHERLOCK HOLMES? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/ I do not think so. Utter nonsense. Hans Zimmer's HOLMES score was mind-blowing. As soon as the film finished, I bought the score as soon as possible.
I don't even remember a single note of the music in UP...which surprised me considering it was done by Michael Giacchino, who composes the amazing music on LOST. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0411008/
Strange.

Best Animated Film = UP
UP beat CORALINE? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0327597/ Eat shit. I'm getting angry now.
I enjoyed UP and was like, “Wow, what pretty colours!” and I loved the opening and so forth, but it's a very noticeable step backward after the utter brilliance of WALL-E http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0910970/ , which was pure genius. UP felt like it was part of the dark, pre-Pixar days when every animated film needed a crap song sung by a 'cute' animal sidekick voiced by a comedic minority.
Such a song thankfully never came, but that still didn't make me love the film like 99% of the planet apparently does. I didn't hate the film, it just didn't even come CLOSE to how much WALL-E (and previous Pixar films) moved me.
Now, CORALINE was the best animated film and one of the best films I've ever seen. Some may love stop-mo animation and some may not, but I find the animation method to be completely irrelevant when the story and performances are this good. I was INSIDE this film. It gripped me like the skeletal fingers of an evil old-woman who kidnaps children and sews buttons on their eyes.
Utter brilliance.

I'll wrap up now with some quick points in regard to the BAFFLING omissions from the nominations:

- No Sam Rockwell nomination for MOON? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1182345/ I just do not understand. My mind works on a system of logic and this just does not process properly. Go and watch his performance in MOON and TRY to even begin to tell me that he doesn't deserve a nomination, at the very least. (You won't get far. I'll walk away as soon as I smell your anti-Rockwell musk. It's a skill. Like rats sensing disease in potential mates.)

- No Sharlto Copley nomination for DISTRICT 9? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1136608/ Firstly, I must say that I think D9 is flat-out bulletproof. Loved every frame. It is just a shame that it was going up against the blue juggernaut that is AVATAR. On any other day, D9 deserved to win EVERYTHING it's nominated for, and then some. That being said; Sharlto Copley's completely improvised performance that knocked it completely out of the park, should have taken home some gold.

- No Zoe Saldana nomination for AVATAR? Pathetic. Open your eyes, Academy. It's still a legitimate performance, you rubes. They just paint over it. Wake up and realise that motion-capture performances are valid acting gigs because, HELLO!? They CAPTURE the MOTION/PERFORMANCE! Can't capture anything if there's no actor there performing, yo.
A foolish oversight, amongst many, that will hopefully be remedied in the future.

Oh and yes, I do realise that this post is a bit late, but I've been busy and I wrote most of this stuff while I was still offline.
Savvy?

SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009)

I first witnessed the work of Guy Ritchie many years ago.

The time; circa Schoolies Week: 1998 and my buddies and I wandered in off the streets to catch a snappy-looking British gangsta' flick with the remarkably wonderful title of LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120735/ .
I loved every second. It was fresh, crisp with a kinetic visual flair and some of the most quotable, insta-classic dialogue I had heard in years. (To this day, my buddy Vince and I still quote gems like “It's a deal. It's a steal...” and so on)
From that day on, I knew that I liked what this Ritchie cat was serving up on the screen and I hungered for more.

Time passed and he finally released his next effort; ...(the EXTREMELY overrated) SNATCH http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0208092/ .
A snappy-looking British gangsta' flick.
Fair enough. Hmmm...

It was enjoyable enough, I suppose.
Brad Pitt delivered one of the most memorable characters of his career, the film still looked great and the dialogue was above-average in regard to quotables.
However; it didn't have the lasting aftertaste that LOCK, STOCK... contained.
Or rather; it DID have an aftertaste...but one that was less pleasant and unlikely to make one return for repeated viewings. (At least not without having the enjoyment level of each viewing progressively decrease at a steady rate.)
NOTE: I shall add here that I seem to be alone in this position.
Within the social circles that I travel and from working in a video-store for some time, I have first-hand knowledge that most folk hold the film in MUCH higher regard than I. The average Joe seems to absolutely adore SNATCH, so much to the point where they foolishly place it above LOCK, STOCK... on the cinematic food chain.
Foolish.
To each their own and all that, but if you bring that shit to my front door; I'll slam it in your face and pour boiling oil upon you from the parapets. (That's right. In this hypothetical situation, I've decided it's best that I live in some castle-like fortress from which I hurl cinema-flavoured rhetoric upon the unwashed peons below. ...It also has a water slide.)

Moving on; I shan't dally much longer with Ritchie's past work for it can all be summed up in tidy, little point-form pattern.
Observe:

SWEPT AWAY http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0291502/ : Most people who witnessed this ordeal took their own lives. Beach romance starring his then-wife, Madonna. Ritchie later escaped from the firm grasp of her wiry, chicken-claw hands when he presumably discovered that she is, in fact, an exhumed corpse reanimated and sustained by dark sorcery.
Ray Of Light is an amazing album, though. Seriously.
Studios wanted Ritchie to include an animated British gangsta' crab for comic relief, some say.
(NOTE: I may be, and probably am, lying)

REVOLVER http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0365686/ : Apparently, this film divided the global population into 2 groups.
1. Those who did not see it
2. Those who saw it and wished they were in Group 1
As usual, I stand alone; for I have not watched it yet. I haven't been avoiding it, though. Quite the opposite. The film intrigues me (despite being about crime and gangstas again) and it has only been given a local release on DVD recently...after 5 years. Sigh.

ROCKnROLLA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1032755/ : Wow. Another criminal-based, snappy-looking gangsta' flick set in Britain. Way to break that mould, Master Ritchie.
No harm – no foul, though. It's a pretty enjoyable film and Toby Kebbell's awesome performance is the main attraction, in my opinion. The guy is solid gold and definitely one to watch., yo.

So there you have it.
See the pattern?
Yes? Swell.
Now, back in the day when SNATCH was beginning to grow stale on my shelf; I pondered about a wonderful alternate reality in which Guy Ritchie ventured out into some greener pastures filled with fresh grass and more fertile soil.
Standing around in the cinema, I would say to anybody within earshot, “I love Guy Ritchie, but I'm tired of the same old crime/gangsta routine. Someone give this guy a comic-book movie or a period piece or something. Please.”

(At this point most folk would just either nod quietly, walk away or walk away and go watch SNATCH again.)

Well, looks like I only had to wait about 10 years for my wish to come true, because Ritchie finally delivered SHERLOCK HOLMES http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0988045/ .
Was it worth the wait?
Yes.
Oh my, yes.

I love this film.
I had very high expectations as a result of an awesome trailer coupled with the fact that I'm a big fan of Guy Ritchie to begin with.
Throw into the mix that this was THE hypothetical Ritchie film that I had been yearning for all those years, and you've got me practically vibrating with anticipation as the cinema goes dark.
I could not have asked for more from Ritchie this time. Here he was playing with some classic characters in a period setting and juggling mystery, crime-procedural elements, action/fight sequences and doing it all with his own recognisable visual flair and class. (The way Holmes analyzes a fight is a stroke of particular brilliance, on Ritchie's behalf.)
They gave the cook some new, fresh ingredients and he baked up an amazing, delicious cake in his own kitchen with his own tools.
I was beyond impressed. I felt so satisfied. It was a wonderful thing to see someone move into a new arena and still manage to display their skills outside of their usual comfort zone.
Bravo, Ritchie. Nothing but praise is coming from my seat, sir.

- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law make up one of the best screen duos I've seen in years.
Their respective portrayals of Holmes and Watson, is a remarkable display of believable friendship and camaraderie. I could tell these gents had a long, rich history and I could believe that such a relationship would take them off on many more adventures together.
These two harmonize so well that with a good surround sound set-up in your home theatre, I believe you'll be able to turn up the volume and actually hear a CLICK sound as they snap into place like lock and key. It's flawless.
The banter, the sombre moments, the action; Holmes and Watson deal with everything this adventure throws at them and they do so with an ease that only years together at each other's backs can allow.

Downey Jr. is in usual top form. His theatrics and the subtle flourishes he provides to simple gestures lend the character of Holmes an almost hypnotic quality akin to Johnny Depp's (earlier) Jack Sparrow work (before that franchise was drowned by bad decisions and missed opportunities).
Jude Law as Watson could easily be overshadowed by the more flashy Holmes role, but thankfully that never comes to pass. Watson is the pause between Holmes loud notes, if you will. Both different, but still absolutely necessary for music to be created. For example, where Holmes may speak at length while deducing until the tea goes cold before acting, punching or blowing something up...Watson would prefer to remain soft-spoken and calmly rational...before acting, punching or blowing something up.
Same destination; different route, no?

- If the studios are smart; they have a monster franchise on their hands.
Like the Tower Bridge structure in the film; SHERLOCK HOLMES has set a VERY sturdy foundation upon which a great cinematic edifice may be constructed.
I eagerly await further adventures involving this team such as 'Sherlock Holmes and the Case Of The (Blank)' or 'Sherlock Holmes and the Mystery Of The (Blank)'.

- The score is brilliant. Case closed.
Zimmer delivers a stirring score filled with the likes of drums and (I think) double bass and mandolin, that drives the action, accompanies the visuals without ever overpowering the overall taste and even manages to infuse the proceedings with the same sense of playful, recklessness that perfectly captures the nature of Downey Jr.'s Holmes performance.
I can confidently say that it's probably the best score I've heard in quite some time. The only thing that annoyed me was that I could not buy it on CD instantly after leaving the cinema. I hit 3 stores and they all stared at me blankly after consulting their equally vacant computer screens.
No matter. I bought it from iTunes as soon as I got home and I'm still listening to it now as I type this.

- The end credits sequence is superb.
A beautiful example of perfect art direction and style that is up there with the awesome opening credits from WATCHMEN http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0409459/ .

- If the cynical hyenas out there MUST have a bone of negativity to gnaw upon; then let me spare the tiniest of scraps in the shape of Irene Adler.
Rachel McAdams is pure class and one of my favourites...but her character is actually not given much to do and by the end of it all, you're still left feeling, "Who is this gal? I like her, but...who is she?" She plays her part well and fills her position within the grand scheme of the narrative, but you never really feel like she's given the care and attention that characters like Holmes and Watson have benefited from.
Perhaps, if she's kept around for further adventures, her character may be given more opportunities to shine. If so; I welcome it.

Regarding script, structure and plot; sure, there is some heavy exposition near the end which some goats may bleat about and claim as 'weak writing', but I disagree. The Holmes character is built up from the beginning as the type of chap who thinks things through and plays the events AND explanations out in his mind. Had Holmes NOT been allowed his 'explain it all' moment, then it would have felt like something was missing considering that was one of his personality traits, for want of a better term.
Besides, the plot is intricate enough that I did not mind in the slightest that Sherlock provided some clarity, and that is definitely not to say that the plot is muddy or poorly-structured, but rather that I cared enough about the affairs to appreciate the explanations and revelations.

I cannot speak highly enough of this film.
Excellent characters.
Awesome new franchise potential.
If you need a break in between seeing AVATAR for the 4th time, then I HIGHLY recommend SHERLOCK HOLMES.

I'm off to listen to the score again now and look for clues...
:D


(Oh, and speaking of AVATAR; yes I am going to do a post, of course. It'll be up next. I had to let it all soak in first. Stay tuned.)

DEADGIRL

Ugh...
I feel dirty.
Not the regular kind of dirty like after you've done some heavy work and you're dripping with sweat.
Not the good kind of dirty like when you're in a strip club and you're being massaged by the best tits money can buy.
Not even the literal kind of dirty like when you've fallen into a mud puddle after stepping out of your carriage and misjudging the first step. (...If you so happen to travel by carriage, I suppose.)

No.

The layer of filth that seems to have coated my very being is unique.
It has stained my skin, my eyes and possibly even my very soul. (I'll only know for sure once I visit a clairvoyant. Only then will I be in a suitable position to decide which lies I shall believe in order to attempt to heal my corrupted aura.)
Until then though; I fear that this sickening sense of putrescence that clings to my form like film upon rotting meat will be with me for some time.
What could have caused this grimy residue imbued with such gag-inducing potency?
Well, how about the face-paralysing experience of witnessing a film concerning teenage zombie rape.

Yep. You read that correctly.
Teenage. Zombie. Rape.

Aren't you glad you visited my blog today?
Allow me to now provide my report a la some kind of pseudo-coroner upon the cinematic corpse that is DEADGIRL http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0896534/

(Oh yeah, I'm not going to spoil the journey for y'all by laying the plot out on a slab. But hey, I've already mentioned 'teenage zombie rape'. If that triple-threat combo of words does not inform you as to whether or not this is the film for you, then perhaps you need to do some soul searching. Light some candles. Find yourself, y'know? Have fun.)

- This horror film is, appropriately and refreshingly, horrifying.
It's about time a flick came along that lives up to the implications pertaining to the HORROR genre.
This is a greasy, unpleasant film that leaves a thick layer of retch-worthy after-taste in the back of your throat.
It's like eating something rotten on a hot, sticky day...and you have no beverage available to rinse your mouth out with.
You can even almost smell this film.
The stale sweat. The sickly musk of old sex and body odour generated by the exertions involved in such an activity.
Waves of scent seem to radiate out from the screen and place you in the middle of these disgusting events.
And that face that you generally pull when you smell something offensive? The way your nose lifts and your top lip curls back slightly as if trying to recoil away from the source of the odour? Yeah, that face is the mask that you will wear throughout the duration of this film.
I put my mask on during the first 'sex scene'...and never took it off.
It's still on as I type this.
Damn, I need a shower. I hope soap can rid me of this feeling. Perhaps I have some heavy-duty cleaning products in the cupboard. It's worth checking...

- The Dead Girl's face is simply terrifying.
Even before it has been, well, ...worn out, so to speak. Ahem.
Her expressions display a perfect blend of ravenous fury and corpse-like mindless vacancy...yet with eyes that seem to still hold a faint echo of her past humanity.
And when she 'grins' she becomes the mascot of nightmares.
I'll be seeing this gal in my mind for years to come.
Perhaps I should adopt a drinking problem...

- Noah Segan's performance as JT is excellent. He did solid work in BRICK http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0393109/ (Just watch it. NOW) as Dode, and yet I didn't even recognise him here; so different was he from that previous character.
JT is one frightening chap.
He's that kind of friend that is always just one small situation away from snapping, y'know?
You could see in his eyes that there was a pendulum just waiting to swing away in the wrong direction and the right set of circumstances were all he required to swing away and smash everything to pieces.

- The 'shopping for a new girl' scene at the gas station is disturbing...and yet it manages to catch you off-guard and take an unexpected turn.
The scene could have played out predictably and still succeeded; yet the curve-ball that is tossed at the audience allows our minds to fumble briefly before being led off onto a new path in this disturbing journey.

- This is a TRULY original take on the whole zombie movie genre. A most impressive feat, indeed.
There are no head-shots.
There are no mall scenes.
There are no shambles of zombies laying siege to a structure that contains a holed-up band of distressed survivors with suitably diverse backgrounds.
It basically ditches the bulk of zombie movie cliches and decides to tackle the subject from a VERY different angle and have the players be anything but heroic survivors.
Heroism is nowhere to be found within these halls, kids.
These characters are just plain...wrong.

- Far too many so-called “horror” films these days are stale, formulaic affairs that deal with text-book scenarios that, at best, barely manage to elicit a giggly shriek from the audience.
True horror should do as the name implies.
HORRIFY.
They should stay with you.
No other genre of film; and I mean NO OTHER GENRE, manages to stay with you afterwards as effectively as horror.
...Provided it is done right.
Take a quick run down a general list and you'll see:
ROMANCE = “Oh, wasn't that lovely. I feel romantic. Let's kiss and maybe you'll get a handjob on the drive home later. Where should we eat?”
COMEDY = “Oh, wasn't that funny? I liked the part where I laughed. Hahaha. Where should we eat?”
ACTION = “That was awesome. That explosion was...explosive. Where should we eat?”
DRAMA = “That made me think about things. Let's discuss it before our entrees arrive and then our relationship issues will take priority. Where should we eat?”
Yet with HORROR, you should get:
“...That was awful. I don't want to be alone tonight. I think I need a bath. What? No. I don't even feel like eating. Let's go.”

Horror stays with you.
It makes you look at the darkness in a different way.
You try to open the car door quicker.
You make sure you double-check the door and window locks.
You don't want to be alone afterwards.
Your mind has now been conditioned to believe that all of those things you just experienced on a screen...have managed to follow you THROUGH the screen, out into the real world.
THAT is a truly memorable experience.
Some may cry that such films make you feel bad or scared and why would anybody desire that from a film.
The watching of films is supposed to be a leisure activity. Why would you desire a negative feeling?
...But therein lies the whole trick to horror films and good films in general.
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL SOMETHING.
If they 'get to you', regardless of genre or subject matter, then the film has served its purpose...and then some.
It makes for a richer experience and the level of immersion is raised considerably if you happen to take something away from the film, long after you've safely pressed the STOP button and sighed with relief as you remind yourself that it is “just a movie”.

I still cannot rid myself of DEADGIRL's disgusting taste.
It is horrible and this, ...this is a horrible, HORRIBLE film.

And I mean that as a MASSIVE compliment.

MARTYRS

I am speechless.
My jaw is literally still open from when this film made it fall to the floor at the beginning.

MARTYRS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1029234/ Whoa.
I am not going to go into detail about this film, for to spoil it would be unforgivable.
I can only say that it is absolutely brilliant.
Believe me or do not.
I could not care less.
But if you choose to disbelieve me, then it is your loss.

It is easily one of the best films I have ever seen in my life and I believe that it may be the BEST HORROR FILM I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED.
I'm serious.
This film is like getting hit by a truck.
...If you had never seen a truck before.
You'd be like, "What the fuck is that?" and then it would slam into you with such force that your mind never had a chance to process your own question before the answer obliterated your very existence.
Yeah. It's powerful, yo.

I shall write one of my usual posts about this film sometime in the future; but for now, I must leave you all with nothing but my highest of recommendations and a few little morsels:

1. The breakfast scene stunned me senseless.
2. The bathroom scene terrified me.
3. The 'final stage' had me doubting my own eyes.

This film is NOT an easy journey and you MUST have a strong stomach, but if you feel up to it, then please; witness this film.
Yes, it is disturbing and unpleasant...but the experience is unforgettable.

As I said; I shall return to this film again in a later post.
I have to go and think more about it now...

THE DANCE

I've seen it at least 3 times, now.
No...I believe it was 4 times, if I'm to be truly honest with myself, and I must. For if I fill my own ears with lies and deception, then who knows what that could lead to.
I may grow angry.
I may stalk through the night, blade held tight, stepping in the memorised locations upon the old wooden floorboards of this house that yield no creaking moans of protest.
For I do not wish for my location to be revealed.
I must precisely execute every step of this remembered dance so that I may infiltrate my own sleeping chamber...without waking myself up.
For if I catch even the slightest scent of my own approach then it will be curtains for us all.
I will unleash considerably more than a simple “moan of protest” if I learn of my own vicious plans for this evening. If I am discovered then I will surely tear the wallpaper of this shabby dwelling with screams that would shatter the teeth of a whole choir of sinister angels, rendered deaf by a birth defect that was no mere accident, contrary to what the newsreels will have us all believe.

Damn it.
I'm losing focus...and I cannot afford to do so.

The steps...I must recall the correct steps...
What was the next one? Think!
...Wait.

Something...has just caused a vibration in that area of the memory-web that causes the plump abdomen of the mind to pulsate in anticipation of a delicious new recollection.
Well-timed, too. For I have grown hungry.
This nostalgic morsel will help me maintain my stamina.

...What?
This is no memory.
This...this is a...an understanding.

My god.
How could I not have noticed?
It was so clear.
The floorboards...
“Moan of protest”...
Why did that particular current in my stream of consciousness self-punctuate as if it was in third-person?
Almost as if...it was heard...

Now I hear something...
The soft, disappointed moan of creaking wood was enough to make me turn...yet this reaction was predictably late.
My eyes had only a chance to barely locate my assailant, but not focus on them, as the blade seemed to vanish from my grip and appear elsewhere.
Unfortunately, 'elsewhere' happened to be buried 5 inches into my chest and by the time I understood that brutal fact about my own bodily geography, it was too late.

I did not hear another floorboard creak as I crashed to the floor.
Perhaps, I struck a rare silent board? It could happen.
After all, those boards were integral locations in the many steps I'd committed to memory that made up the 'dance' that allowed me to get close enough to my own sleeping chamber and murder myself while I slept.

*Sigh*
I've never been a good dancer.

Perhaps that fact should have tipped me off that this endeavour was doomed from the beginning.
Surely I should have realised that I would learn of my own sinister intent?
Was I simply too arrogant to acknowledge this fact? Did I consider myself...stronger than myself?
If so, then I must be laughing heartily now.
I hear something...
The moan of another floorboard?
No.
Just laughter.
The soft, raspy laughter that comes from a parched and cracked throat that has known nothing but the flow of endless insults and hostility from the darkness within for years.
That laugh is familiar.
For it is my laugh.
I know it well.

I lie upon the floor and wish I could join in on the mirth...but a punctured lung, shattered rib and flooded chest cavity do not allow for much in the way of vocal expressions of joy.
I listen to myself laugh as I stand over my convulsing body.
The heaving sounds and corporeal shudders have reached a regular rhythm, and I realise that I have done this so many times now, that I can almost perfectly pinpoint the exact moment when 'body' transitions into 'corpse'.
It's a skill. One of many.

I should set my watch to this moment in time.
Where is my watch? No matter.

I utter a bubbling gurgle of fluid and bone fragments as I try to begin a fit of giggling, but I do not hear it because my own laughing has increased in volume and I hear nothing but the cacophony of joyous echoes as they fill the room like unnamed guests at a dinner party.
The laughter sounds like a party, actually.

The wind from the night outside was ideal for masking my footsteps, but now I can barely hear it.
The laughter has drowned everything... and I know that, I too, am drowning.

I try for another gurgle.
Perhaps a bark of final defiance...or a simple giggling word...
...Nope. No good. The laughter is too loud.
Strange; I thought I would feel worse, considering my situation.
Instead, I feel...calm. A sense of satisfaction seems to be a side dish to the main emotion.
Perhaps that laughter really is infectious.
I don't know.
I'll just close my eyes now. I'm tired of looking up at myself.
I never liked myself from that angle anyway.
I can't even hear the wind any more.
I can only hear myself laughing.
I could use a lozenge.
I have things to do. I'm glad my eyes are closing.
Soon...
My eyes are closed.
The change will happen soon. I'm glad. Right on schedule. I don't need my watch.
I can only hear my laughter.
Laughter.
Nothing else.
I cannot hear anything except laughter.
I CANNOT HEAR ANYTHING...except...laughter...

...and the moan of a floorboard from behind me.

It seems louder than usual. Clearer.
My laughing stops.
I cannot look down at my body...or is it a corpse now? I can't tell. There's no time.
I cannot turn around. There's no time. Where the hell is my watch?

I only heard the floorboard.
I only feel the hands alongside my head...as my neck is snapped.
I wish I heard the crack.
I wish I could still hear my laughter...

I open my eyes and blink until I'm satisfied with the clarity.
My mind echoes, but I can't remember the point of origin.
Perhaps I'll remember later.

My throat hurts.
I lick my lips and wonder when was the last time I drank.
Even if I had my watch, it could not provide such information.

The room is dusty...and I can easily see the footprints that I've left upon the floorboards.
Only my prints.
It looks like some kind of dance has taken place.
I lean forward and shift my weight onto a nearby floorboard; one that has no footprint.
...It creaks, like the groan of a disturbed homeless man.
Just as I thought.
I was lying...and it looks like it worked.

After all; I'm an excellent dancer.



(Just writing to see what comes out. This came out. I wrote most of this a couple o' months ago, I think. I can't remember the exact date.)

TITANIC (1997)

Well, the almighty James Cameron is going to unleash AVATAR http://www.traileraddict.com/trailer/avatar/trailer-b in December so why don't we strap our jugs into a corset, hock up a loogie and swing axes at loved ones; as we prepare to jump into the frosty waters surrounding TITANIC http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120338/ and swim around amongst some of my thoughts on the matter.

If you haven't seen this film; then please send me an email with your first-hand opinion on the advantages of living beneath a rock. In the meantime, I'll give you a brief synopsis:

Two people fall in love on the wrong boat.
Wacky hi jinks ensue.


“Take her to sea, Mr. Murdoch. Let's stretch her legs.”
Let us begin, shall we...

- The most convincing piece of evidence, in my opinion, that this film is amazing and effective is the fact that EVERY time I watch it, I STILL want them to miss the iceberg.
I felt that way on my first viewing and I felt the exact same way on my recent viewing.
I've lost count of how many times I've sailed upon this ship, but each time I return it feels like the maiden voyage again.
Remarkable.

- Jeanette Goldstein has a small role as a the 3rd class Irish mother. It'd be awesome if, when the Titanic staff are holding off the lower classes behind locked gates, she clicked into her Vasquez persona (wielding her Colonial Marines-issue smart gun) and screamed “LET'S ROCK!” before unleashing hot rounds of penetrating death upon the cowering employees.
I also want to see a xenomorph clog-dance against Jack during the steerage party scene. He seems a bit cocky at that point, and I feel his getting served by a chitinous, ebony nightmare with mad dance skillz would've appropriately humbled him a smidgen. Perhaps the alien could go on to win Rose's heart and steal her away from our charming, streetwise artist, eh? Then we could all have been treated to the sight of Rose getting orally impregnated via face-hugger in the back of a jalopy as the xenomorph drone watches, drools and fogs up the windows with panting, hot breath.
Now that I think about it, when Rose and Jack are being pursued by Lovejoy and they flee through the engine rooms, I always expect Charles S. Dutton to jump in and have a manly fistfight against an alien.
Seriously, Dillon was a badass, yo and Alien 3 http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103644/ is underrated gold, folks.
Go watch it again.

- Victor Garber's 'Mr. Andrews' performance is hilarious if you take it out of context.
He does an amazing job all round...but if you ignore his lines and just focus on his actions, then it's almost like he's slowly going insane as he wanders a damned ghost ship, trying to comprehend who these spectres are that persist on haunting his leisure cruise and chatting to him during meals.
Just try it. Watch his face and imagine he thinks he's surrounded by ghosts. It's great.
Someone could do an amusing editing/hatchet job on this.
Post it on YouTube if you do.
Think of the laughs, children.

- When the ship is starting to sink, Captain Smith basically loses his shit...but he chooses to do so in a quiet and dignified manner. He elects to simply wander around the ship and stare blankly in a state of catatonia...like a well-groomed, short-bearded Santa Claus who just came home to discover his elves running a train on Mrs. Claus.
That'd knock the lemon out of your tea, I'd say.
Then again, perhaps the traumatic situation at hand had nothing to do with Smith's fractured mental state.
Personally, I blame Grima Wormtongue's poisonous influence. He was probably lurking around in steerage; eating rats and waiting for the Titanic to dock at Mordor.
(NOTE: I consulted a weighty textbook on the subject, and I discovered that the Titanic was not scheduled to stop at Mordor. Grima was misinformed.)


“The ship is fiiiiiiiiiiine, Captain. Relax. Let's have a brandy...”

- I saw this 5 times at the cinema.
Coincidentally, I too am an artist and my then-girlfriend's parents hated me as well, so it seemed to fit, no?
...Okay, I didn't freeze to death in the ocean while clinging to an expensively ornate door, but she did go on to live a good life, I assume. So there were some parallels.
I do wish that I could say that I sketched Billy Zane's woman nude, though. That'd be well received during dinner parties, I feel.

- Cameron is a god. Simple.
That being said; I've never understood why douchebags mock the “King of the world!” line + Cameron's usage of it during his Oscar acceptance speech.
Cameron was understandably proud of his achievement and I think that his reaction was actually quite subtle, when you consider how MASSIVE said achievement was.
As for the line in the actual script; even it makes sense and is not worthy of ridicule. Jack had most probably never been in a situation like this before. Yes, he mentions his travels etc but he's still just a starving artist getting by on limited means and, frankly, I'm surprised that he didn't just whip it out and start beating off right there on the foredeck while Fabrizio cheered him on as he aimed for a happily leaping dolphin.
So shouting that he's king of the world? The man showed impressive restraint if you ask me.


"I'm gonna create some awesome."

- The old-Rose lady annoys me.
Nothing against her or her performance, it's just personal taste. She bothers me.
There's an SNL skit where she gets beaten and that brought a satisfied grin to my face. It was quite therapeutic.
It all boils down to her actions, basically. Many people undoubtedly lost jobs because granny threw the Heart in the ocean and decided to live out her final hours as a diamond-wasting, selfish hag. (There's even a deleted scene where Brock mentions the whole financial angle + resources + employees that stresses the magnitude of his whole operation. Sure; he's a treasure hunter...but he's a treasure hunter with investors and employees who all have bills to pay, Rose. But you don't care, do you? Nah. You got your centrefold and you stole a guy's last name...oh, and his life too. Nice.)
But I doubt that she'd even still have it. She basically stepped off the Carpathia like Jason Bourne in a corset. Wouldn't she have sold the rock so that she could finance her new identity as “Rose Dawson” and enjoy a life of endless horse, rollercoaster and plane rides at Cal's expense?
(NOTE: I just had an awesome image of Rose DeWitt Bukater looking all beautiful as she beats the crap out of NY guards a la Jason Bourne. That would be sweet. Hello sequel.)

Paxton should've just followed the ALIENS http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090605/ trend, adopted his Hudson persona and shouted, “Game Over!” as he rib-kicked her till she coughed up Le Coeur De La Mer.
The cinema would've clapped, I tells ya.


“I'll sketch ya', Granny!”

- People seem to be compelled to mock big ol' grand cinema experiences that seem kind of 'old Hollywood', for want of a better term. That is unfortunate and makes up the bulk of my theory on why AUSTRALIA http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455824/ was sneered at.
Why this attitude? It baffles me.
As if 'new' Hollywood is so flawless and serves up gold after gold.
There's nothing but remakes, yo.
Stale ones, at that.

- Kate Winslet/ 'Rose DeWitt Bukater' is amazing. (Yes, I agree that Leo carries equal weight in his role and does an excellent job, too. Hell, I'm a big fan and DiCaprio has been doing exceptional, solid work for YEARS, yet it seems like only recently that the masses have realised this. High praise to him, for sure.)
This is probably my favourite Kate Winslet role, along with Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and I cannot praise her enough.
Can you blame me? I mean, Rose digs artists and poses nude. That's my kinda gal. She's simply awesome.
Now, would I freeze to death for her?... I'm not sure. BUT, I'd be willing to discuss the matter and hear what she has to say.

Tommy Ryan says that “You'd as soon have angels fly out of your arse than get next to the likes of her, boyo.”
That sounds like a challenge, sir.
So, in order to land a classy dame like Rose all I must do is meet her during her suicide attempt that interrupted my stargazing on a luxury cruise liner that I've found myself upon after winning a lucky hand of poker.
...Okay. Simple enough.
Unfortunately, I hate poker. Damn it.
No matter; I guess I'll just have to enjoy my time with Rose while I have it.
That brings me to another wonderful thing about her; Rose, and this film by association, feels like that amazing girl that you met while on vacation and fell in love with. But then the time came for you to both part ways...and she disappeared.
Now, you find that when you see her again every time you watch this film, the memories flow in thick and fast.
I love returning to that feeling and the whole experience still gives me chills.

- The VFX have already been spoken about to death by one and all, so I'll not spread another layer upon the thickness. However, I do feel that the costumes and Rose's wardrobe in particular deserve a mention. Her dresses are simply beautiful and her red/black 'suicide dress' plus her flowing, paper-thin 'survival dress' are my particular favourites. The image of Rose moving along a flooding corridor in that wet dress while carrying a fire-axe is one of those cinematic moments that instantly gets locked away in my memory banks under the 'CLASSIC' heading. She looks so beautiful, yet terrified.
Rightly so too, for that entire sequence with the lower-decks flooding and causing electrical malfunctions has an eerie tone of menace that lends the proceedings a horror movie vibe which becomes quite unsettling.


(Wet chick + Axe = Hot)

- I must briefly draw attention to the deleted scene involving Lovejoy hunting Rose and Jack through the flooding dining rooms. Yes, I agree with Cameron's opinion that it is unnecessary at that stage of the story; but it is still a damn good scene. Take the time to check it out on the DVD.

- Billy Zane is a king amongst lesser men when it comes to being a cad.
Cal is the type of gent who thinks of words – hesitates – then chooses a hearty slap over discussion. Classy move, that.
This upstanding young gentleman also chooses to chase after Rose + Jack...and shoot at them while the ship is sinking. That's commitment to being an asshole, right there. If you're gonna do it wrong – do it right.

I guess the best way for me to express how awesome Titanic is, is by the way it makes me feel when I'm 'on board', so to speak.
Even though the ship is doomed, I want to be on it.
I want to sketch with Jack, hang with Tommy Ryan, dance with Rose and have as many other experiences as I can manage within that limited time frame until the inevitable comes crashing in.

It's the same situation presented within Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Hogwarts, folks.
These are universes and places that, when you visit, you do not want to leave; and when you finally do step outside the borders, you eagerly wish to return.

I don't care if the ship is going to sink, y'all.
For the chance to spend time with Rose, I'd buy a ticket.
Hell, I'd buy 5 tickets.