Sunday, October 25, 2009


I love this film.
I'm not a big fan of sunshine...but if I was, I assume this film could be equated to that warming glow that those harmful rays provide.
Except this marvellous film won't give you cancer and make you look like beef jerky in your later years.

So, let us look at 5 points why (500) Days Of Summer is awesome.

...Yes, I could be poetic and do 500 reasons if I really tried, but that's a bit much, no? I love delicious Oreos, but if someone offered me 500 of them to eat in one sitting (milk optional), I'd throw them a fist.
It's just not reasonable, people.
So 5 it is.
Count 'em...

1. The entire experience is bittersweet.
You fall in love with Summer...then she's taken from you, and while your heart utters a tiny whimper that goes unanswered within your newly found emptiness, you're still left with a feeling of satisfaction. Sure; you're lonely now and there's that hollow echo of loss within...but you feel like you can cope with what is on the horizon and there's a subtle scent in the wind of the possibility that another person may come along to fill the void left by Summer's absence.
It's such a beautiful film that contains a subtle, painful honesty about life and how it works. Or rather, does not work.
The bittersweet aftertaste continues in that I took away from this film a sense that Tom was only creative and got his act together once he was free of Summer.
Hmmm, so (happiness) + (girlfriend) drowns out creativity?
I like tits as much as the next sailor, but if having them in my hand means less time with quill and paintbrush in my hand, then forget that.
Can you only be creative when you're alone and/or heartbroken? That's something for poets, artists and scholars to debate.
...But not on date night, apparently. Hmmm.
I'm a big fan of 'love' stories such as this and other films, like Secretary and Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, that aim for the audience member that doesn't want to watch yet another mindless rom-com *retches* where Regular Boy meets Plain Girl and happiness is grown together in between scenes of 'love-making' where the chick leaves her bra on.
That dog won't hunt.
Guys hold their stomachs in, people can decide to stop loving you mid-conversation and chicks take their bras off, yo.
Reality, folks. Pull up a seat and take it all in.
Films need to cater to the other sides of the love coin, now and again. Everything DOESN'T always work out. Problems don't get solved sometimes. Relationships aren't just experienced by flawless, mannequin-like droids with perfect dental work that grin at each other lovingly as they share a straw at the local malt shop.
That crap is only seen in greeting cards and weak films.
Now don't cry foul and reach for the pitchforks, torches and (insert Romantic DVD Boxset purchased for last Valentines Day to persuade partner into leaving the lights on for once) ...for I have nothing against love stories, so to speak.
Quite the opposite, in fact. I believe in love and I like it when I have a Bonnie to my Clyde; however, I just heavily DISLIKE it when most romantic comedies are nothing but weak, cookie-cutter piles of reheated tripe designed to be “date movies” in order to fill 2 hours in an evening spent by couples who fear an actual conversation.
(500) Days Of Summer pleased me because it's a romantic film that displays that there's far more texture and substance to love and relationships than most films give them credit for.

2. Zooey Deschanel is simply a magical entity. I'm convinced that she is not a human; but rather, an alluring being of myth. Similar to a woodland nymph or some other hypnotically playful sprite of lore.
I was captivated by Zooey when I first took note of her in The Good Girl, (Check it out. It involves Jennifer Aniston showing why she's 1 of the only 2 cast members with a post-FRIENDS career)
where she played a cashier who advises a customer that ginkgo is helpful if urine is splashed on your face.
What a gal.
Here, Zooey's Summer character is a classy dame with style and a kind of librarian-meets-Katy Perry fashion-vibe going on. Love it.
I mean, seriously; how can you not fall for this chick? She pushes Tom into the porn section of a video store, watches the selection with him and then suggests that they incorporate a new act into their bedroom repertoire when she spots a technique that piques her interest.
In the shower, no less. Outstanding.
I'd put a ring on that girl's finger, yo....if I had any money left after buying crate-loads of porn in order to fuel her imagination further.

zooey deschanel Pictures, Images and Photos
(She's, like, kinda magical.)

Summer also introduces Tom to The Penis Game.
How many girls have you met that are up for a game that involves saying the word “penis” in public with a progressively increasing level of volume in order to ante up the stakes?
I haven't met any. What's the world coming to?
Dames need to be up for more cock-based games, yo.

I also love the way they describe Summer as being fairly normal and yet they use the term, "The Summer Effect", while describing the amount of double-takes she receives from onlookers during her bus ride and such.
"The Summer Effect" is real, folks.
Such a phenomenon is to blame for much neck trauma that I have suffered as a result of witnessing many a breathtaking dame with Summer-like qualities. That first glimpse is like a shining beacon that draws your eyes back to the source of this pure beauty that entrances onlookers and makes them snap their heads round for a second look to make sure that what they're witnessing is true and not a trick of the light or fevered imagination.
Powerful beings, ladies are...and "The Summer Effect" is a fitting name for such power.

3. The Expectation vs Reality sequence is amazing. I'm gonna type that again and capitalize that shit.
It was so simple, and yet so remarkably accurate. I bet EVERYBODY out there has had whole sequences like this in their lives. I know I have.
...And unfortunately, the reality only rarely equals the expectation.
The whole scene had me feel so happy for Tom...while simultaneously feeling gutted as I watched his reality fracture and branch off onto the path that lead to the numb, sobering ache of reality.
We've all been there, and seeing it displayed so well on the screen in such an elegant fashion, further proved to me that I was dealing with something special here.
That scene plus the 'day-after happiness' dance sequence make it clearly evident that this tale is treated with more care than most. You feel Tom's euphoric state of mind and triumph as he dances along the street and I even found myself bouncing along with the music and wanting to be able to congratulate him myself and join in alongside the animated bird and dancing pedestrians. I would've liked it to go on a bit longer actually, but alas, the story must go on...

500 days of summer Pictures, Images and Photos
(Happiness = Hallucinations)

4.You like The Smiths?
There is that 'eureka' moment in the elevator where Tom realizes that he's falling for Summer.
I'm still waiting for my Summer, unfortunately...
I've had those moments in the past...but, usually, some boyfriend has already had the “You like The Smiths?” moment with the girl LONG before I even entered the elevator, so to speak.
That's just annoying.
In fact, fuck The Smiths.

5. The Photocopy Room make-out scene.
I was worried that they were going to pull that ol' cinema trick and abruptly cut out from the kiss to show that it was merely Tom's fantasy.
That would've pissed me off.
Let me have that fantasy, cinema.
Don't slap me twice like an abusive husband with memory issues by showing me that my FANTASY is also a fantasy. Allow me these small concessions, please.
Thankfully, the kiss was legit, and I – plus Tom – was grateful for that fact.

That'll do for now. (Until I watch this film again after buying the DVD.)
Yes, I cheated and crammed multiple points into single numbers, but oh well.
I'm tricky like that.

MIRRORS (2008)

Kiefer Mirrors Pictures, Images and Photos

I finally got around to watching MIRRORS.

In the past, I'd placed my ear close to the ground and heard the distant rumblings of others as they stalked across the land and muttered that it wasn't a fantastic film or anything and that I need not saddle my steed and head off to the cinema /video store at full gallop; carelessly trampling pedestrians under-hoof in my determined quest.
However, I did hear comments made about a particular scene.
A scene involving...jaw-breaking.
That was all I needed to hear, y'all.
To paraphrase Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire; you had me at “jaw-breaking”.

Here are some thoughts:

- The aforementioned jaw-breaking scene.
I gotta say; it impressed me. I know my way around a horror movie or two and if your story isn't that strong, then you have to even up the balance with some interesting violence or an ample serving of gratuitous tits.
Simple arithmetic, really.
It may even be one of the Commandments. Something along the lines of “Thou shalt include hearty servings of bangin' jugs in thine horror flick”. Don't quote me on that, of course, as I'm no theology professor or anything. (I dropped out just before graduation to pursue a career in the field of Personal Awesome.)
But I digress; this scene is brutally good. I heavily recommend it.
Watch it alone.
Watch it on a first date with a girl. (Tell her it's a new rom-com starring Amy Smart. The trap will be as good as set)
Watch it with a close chum, simply so you'll be allowed the opportunity to remark, “Holy baked shit! Did you just see that chick's jaw get ripped open? Swell!
I feel it is my duty to pass on such horror gems to you people. It's just the kind of guy I am. Think of me like...Santa Claus.
But instead of spreading gifts, good-will and countless elfin bastards; I recommend scenes of horrific, ghost-influenced skull trauma.
Compose a mall-worthy carol out of those elements, yo.

- The mysterious plot involving the mirrors and so forth is rather bland and starts to outstay it's welcome. Sam and Dean Winchester would have solved this whole fiasco in one night, with time left over for last call at the bar, a couple o'rounds of hustled pool and Dean to bang some floozies in the Impala while Sam...I dunno, did demonic shit and used his laptop. That would've been better. I love Supernatural.

- This is possibly the only film in existence where you can see the grandma from Dawson's Creek play a nun who explodes after being 'filled'...*ahem*... by too many evil spirits, and then turns into a demonic nun who can scurry across walls.
Pacey never would've been able to deal with that kind of crap AND Joey. High school is already hard enough, kids.

- The mother in this film has a rather impressive rack, which she proudly displays to the audience by defending her home and children from vengeful spirits...while wearing a soaking wet singlet top.
Perhaps such attire offers a tactical advantage? Who knows? As I've mentioned many times in the past and in numerous foreign courts; I'm no priest. Who am I to judge whether or not spectral entities from the afterlife are frightened away by dripping-wet, glistening boobs. That sort of topic is not comprehensively covered in most text books that I've flipped through.
All I can say is that if I was a cursed spirit held captive behind a mirror and I saw those goodies; I sure as shit would try and breach my way into their world. I'd watch them like the newest episode of LOST, yo.
Ghosts still got needs, right?

nice Pictures, Images and Photos
(Who you gonna call?)

- Kiefer Sutherland wanders around in this film and looks equal parts pissed-off, confused and...not really frightened, but more irritated that someone ruined his day. Jack Bauer should be used to this kind of thing by now. (Isn't Season 5 of 24 about angry ghosts who have a nuke or something? I don't pay attention anymore, frankly.)
But 24 jokes aside; let us take a moment to focus on the cold hard facts; ...Kiefer played a badass vampire in The Lost Boys so when all of the reflective surfaces in his life started giving him attitude, Kiefer should've just clicked into David mode and screamed “I'm an 80's vampire and don't even have a reflection so eat shit, Spooky Mirror!” before riding off on his dirt bike through Santa Carla and listening to saxophone music by a sweaty, pony-tailed, muscleman.
Besides; the kids these days really love a sassy vampire, so I don't know how this opportunity was missed.

LOST BOYS DAVID Pictures, Images and Photos

- The climax REALLY caught me off guard. Seriously.
Just when you think the dust has settled; the acrobatic demon-nun appears and an action scene begins that is reminiscent of Ash's fight against the pit-witch Deadite from Army of Darkness
This unexpected showdown finally culminates in a COMMANDO-flavoured death where the nun gets impaled on a steam pipe a la Bennett. Hell...yes.
I was shocked.
I laughed.
If Matrix was here; he'd laugh too.

- This movie has the most Twilight Zone-y ending ever. I don't know what it is with Alexandre Aja and his 'twist' endings, but they're not really doing it for me. I'm a big fan of the guy, but he needs to leave the twist ending shtick alone.
Unnecessary, yo.

That's about it.
Once again; this film isn't the freshest meat on the counter; but it has some decent moments and besides, say it with me, people; “JAW...BREAKING...SCENE.

Jawbreaker Pictures, Images and Photos
(This is the wrong film.)

Oh yeah, MIRRORS is a remake of the South Korean film, Geoul sokeuro I haven't seen it but after watching this, I think it'd be worth hunting down.