THE LAST GUARDIAN

It started with ICO.
It continued with Shadow of the Colossus.
Now I am going to fall in love for a third time, with The Last Guardian.

THE HANGOVER

Okay, I just saw The Hangover.
All I'm going to say is that it involves a scene where someone tries to drug a tiger by giving it a steak filled with date-rape drugs.
(You should already be grabbing your car keys, after that sentence)
The man preparing the spiked beef is questioned as to why he is bothering to season it with pepper.
This man responds in a calm and serious manner with the following line:

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon."

That man looks like this:



This awesome gentleman is referred to, at one point, as "Fat Jesus".
If the prospect of seeing a drugged jungle-cat and a plump, Christ-like oaf in Vegas shenanigans does not have you hastily purchasing tickets, then I cannot help you.
Perhaps some other blog will provide you with the cultural and entertainment nourishment that you require.

Now personally, in a Vegas-set comedy, I expect to see WAY more tits than what was displayed here, but hey, maybe that's just me being high-brow. Nonetheless, it's a pretty decent comedy that is made memorable by the aforementioned oafish performance by Zach Galifianakis.
High praise to you indeed, sir.

GAMES

This game has been cooking for so long that I thought it was about time we either caught a whiff of something delcious...or the putrid stench of rotting culinary failure.
Fortunately, it looks like Alan Wake is going to serve up some tasty gaming indeed.
The foreboding atmosphere on display is exceptional and I am in love with the way the light burns away enemies like embers.
Classy stuff, yo.



Assassin's Creed II cannot arrive soon enough.
The first game was a remarkable experience and its story alone is enough to make me salivate. Venice, swimming, flight, twin-blades, more weapons, day/night cycle; it is gonna be a buffet of awesome, folks.



I had not seen, nor heard, anything that really blew my skirt up relating to this game.
Then a fellow Jedi sent this link to me. Well, consider my Jedi robes, skirt AND undergarments appropriately blown up.
If the game is anything like what is on display in this amazing trailer, then I am definitely on board.
It also, yet again, proves that the Star Wars universe is most impressive when it is NOT in the hands of Beardy.
Hand over the keys, Lucas.
Let somebody else drive.

TERMINATOR SALVATION

You know how when there's nothing decent at the video store so you just rent some sexy thriller from the Weekly section and then hungrily skip chapters or fast forward until you reach the scenes where the hot dame gets her jugs out for the private detective, bounty hunter, security guard...or all of the above?


(This is not what I meant by 'sexy thriller')

Well, that basic process is exactly why I suggest y'all wait for DVD to watch Terminator Salvation. Then you can comfortably skip along through this nonsense and get to the good parts.
Except instead of hunting for scenes of oiled-up booby action, you will be keeping your eyes peeled for any of the scenes where Christian Bale is absent.
(After that, you could then skip through The Dark Knight as well, cause Bale ruined that horribly overrated flick too. The Joker and Two-Face were the only reasons to even press PLAY, y'all. Face it. I speak the truth.)
Speaking of overrated things that like to grumble, complain and yell; let's give special mention to Christian Bale shall we?
In fact, let's break it down into a simple mathematical equation that would please Miles Bennett Dyson:

(Terminator Salvation) – (Christian Bale) = (Decent Sci-Fi Flick)

I'm not saying that The Bale is the only problem with this movie, but let me just say that his John Connor is the most noticeable piece of trash that sits the highest; rotting in the sun, upon this towering mass of expensive, wasteful garbage.
Put on your gloves, folks, for we're about to pick through the debris...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE:
- Sam Worthington is awesome. It is fitting that this instalment of the Terminator franchise is dubbed 'Salvation', as Worthington's character Marcus, does his best to save this weak, unnecessary picture.
He generally succeeds in this task too, as the scenes involving Marcus are the only ones worth watching and the only scenes in which you're not more concerned with your popcorn. From lunging off an exploding bridge at a flying HK while brandishing an axe to escaping a mined compound, Marcus gets the best action scenes (and the best scenes in general) throughout the movie.
This is Marcus' film, not Connor's. End of story.


"I agree. This IS my film. ...The girl too."

Worthington displays the right blend of badass toughness, confused loneliness, a sprinkle of humour and a riveting screen presence that adds up to create a performance that absolutely blows Bale off the screen...and I expected as much. I have been praising this guy since I first saw him in Dirty Deeds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0280605/ back in 2002.
Whenever I'd mention him to people over the years they'd usually respond with, “Who?”
Now they can at least respond with, “Who? Oh, the guy who was the only good thing in Terminator Salvation?”
The plus side is that this film will raise his profile, so that audiences can be better prepared for the carnival of awesome that will be James Cameron's AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ where Worthington is apparently in EVERY scene.
Nice.

- T-600 model Terminators are badass. They're like big, stumbling drunk stepfathers that stagger in on Xmas eve and open fire on the dog, the tree and the eggnog bowl with a high-calibre mini gun before cursing their boss, soiling themselves and collapsing into the pile of presents. They should have had a bunch of these things just aimlessly wandering in and out of the film as comic relief. You'd see one staggering around in the background of a really dramatic scene and it'd just happily go about its business of shooting at rocks and wildlife with reckless abandon until it either clumsily tripped and toppled over giggling...or Christian Bale yelled at it for being in the shot.
It would probably just cry and shut down its circuits until the big, bad, loud human left and it could resume it's happy adventure of plodding along with a joyful stride, a spinning chain-gun of death and whistling a happy tune.

- Kyle Reese was pretty decent.
When I heard Anton Yelchin was going to play Reese, I was indifferent.
Then, after I had seen Yelchin's performance in the new Star Trek, I felt like stabbing myself in the armpit with a corkscrew.
Luckily, Yelchin brought his A-game to his Reese performance. At first, I felt like he was just playing some young guy who just happened to be named Reese to please the fans, but then as the film went on, I could really believe that this kid would grow up to be the badass Kyle Reese that Michael Biehn created on the screen so memorably. Young Reese's speech about survival to other prisoners was particularly effective and contained a strong Biehn vibe, in my opinion.
Well done, Yelchin. You did the character proud.

- The T-800 and Arnold's 'cameo', so to speak, were kind of cool. Sure, the CG looked a little off with his face, but I figured that it's supposed to be a robot wearing skin...NOT a human, so I was okay with this minor hiccup.
No harm – No foul.

HUMANS ARE DOOMED:
- At one point, John Connor hot-wires a motorbike robot thing while playing 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns N Roses on his still-functioning 90's boom-box and reminding us all that Edward Furlong gave a superior performance in Terminator 2 when he wasn't even an actor and that we should all be watching that awesome film instead of this crap.
After the hasty, and surprisingly simple hacking of the aforementioned 2-wheeled death-machine, John then proceeds to ride the robot – NOT BIKE, kids; ROBOT – along the highway like freakin' Peter Fonda.
Hey John, ...uh, where's the seat and the handlebars? Because Skynet would not have catered to human comfort, controls or transportation when designing this sleek, efficient, highway-patrolling death-bike created solely for the purpose of KILLING HUMANS. If you're going to give me that whole riding scene, then you damn well better give me an ensuing comedy montage sequence where Connor constantly falls off the bike over and over again at high speed and suffers horrible injuries as the road surface shreds his squishy human flesh...WITH an accompanying score of upbeat banjo music.
Serve up bullshit, you better make sure it's funny bullshit, McG. Just like your name.
Oh, snap.

- Why was one of the T-600s wearing a bandanna?
I hope that there is a deleted scene out there that involves a couple of Skynets design + construction robots engaged in a conversation regarding the T-600's accessories:
Robot 1: “The humans will surely recognise this model.”
Robot 2: “Humans are simple creatures. This looks like a human to me. I fail to see the problem.”
Robot 1: “...It has no skin.”
Robot 2: “Excellent observation. Suggestions? ...A wristwatch, perhaps?”
Robot 1: “I'm thinking more along the lines of headwear.”
Robot 2: “Bandanna?”
Robot 1: “Bandanna.”
(Both robots vibrate in approval)
Robot 2: “We are totally going to get promoted.”

- There is a giant, pissed-off, building-sized, walking robot that stomps across the post-apocalyptic landscape and collects humans like Pokemon.
Fair enough.
Now, I'm no scientist *GASP!* but even I feel confident enough to go out on a limb and boldly hypothesize that such a colossal mechanised abomination would make some kind of sound.
But no.
This towering, metallic nightmare is capable of a stealthy approach that makes one assume its crushing hooves of steel are covered by sound-dampening, fluffy, bunny slippers.
One minute the humans are hanging about in a stylish abandoned gas-station and then, before anyone can say “Thank you, I'd love some of these old vegetables that you've kept in a dirty, unrefrigerated basement.”, the roof is ripped open and Biggy McRobot appears via teleportation or some other equally-silent mode of transportation.


(As whisper-quiet as a harmless household appliance, apparently)

- At one point, John Connor gets attacked by some hydro-bot things that look like big mechanical eels.
In fact, they're reminiscent of the shrieking eels from The Princess Bride. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/
The only difference being that The Princess Bride is a kickass movie, while this, on the other hand, is not.
Ol' Johnny Boy soon starts to get quite flustered by these wiggling opponents and I couldn't understand why he didn't just climb out of the WAIST-DEEP water and pick them all off from the safety of the river bank.
C'mon, Bale, at least yell at them.


(These guys could handle evil shrieking eels. John Connor, however, could not)

- Bale is a joke.
Media hype and outburst aside; he brings absolutely nothing to the table here.
Also, there was not a single meaty scene involving Bale and Bryce that could even come close to hoping to justify Bale's outburst. Where is this amazing scene or shot that was in such dire peril of being destroyed by a crew member entering your eye-line and shattering your delicate focus, huh?
Pathetic.
The performance was absolute rubbish and Bale has managed to stain yet another awesome character on the screen.


“Skynet is hunting humans...not BATS! I'm a genius, Mom.”

Edward Furlong is still the best John Connor to date and it is insulting to his work, and the franchise, to think that his John could grow up into the bland, stale jackass that Bale has portrayed here.
Every time a robot caused John pain, I smiled.
Hell, halfway through this film, my buddy and I started cracking jokes and basically holding up sports-supporter flags that said, “GO, SKYNET, GO!”
Now, I'm not gonna waste any more words on Bale and his rant and so forth. Enough has been said and I couldn't care less now. It's just a shame that this is performance is yet another lame roadside attraction on the downward slope of cracked highway that seems to be Bale's career of late.
I actually used to be a MASSIVE Bale fan.
I love American Psycho.
The Machinist is excellent, he more than held his own in The Prestige and I think I'm probably the only person that likes Reign of Fire.
However, when I consider his attitude in relation to his rant and such, plus the fact that his performances have been getting worse instead of better, I have to be honest with myself and admit that he isn't the awesome actor he used to be anymore.
Could he turn it all around? Of course he could, and I would actually welcome that.
But I'm not gonna become a fan again just because that's the trendy thing to do. Just as I am not anti-Bale now simply because it's the flavour of the month.
It's all about decency and facts, yo.
His Batman is terrible, his John Connor is pathetic and if my best friend said stuff like Bale did to that crew member, then I'd even call my friend a dickhead.

Bah. To hell with this film.
If Sarah Connor was here, she'd stab Bale in the knee with a ballpoint pen for this.

I HATE MORBIUS

Praise the gods.
A producer has confirmed that Morbius The Living Vampire will NOT be the villain in Spider-Man 4.
This pleases me greatly.
I could not hate Morbius more even if I underwent a genetic experiment that drastically increased the power of my hate gland.


(Jazz hands? Throw in a sparkly Twilight vamp and you've got a Vegas-worthy stage show)

The guy is just rubbish.
He prances about with his kiddie Halloween costume-style bat wings and displays an unnecessary amount of chest. Oh, he also does nothing but bitch and moan about being a vampire. Yeah, that's refreshing.
The only way I would accept Morbius' presence in Spider-man 4, is if he appears in the first scene, goes to say something to Spidey...but then Wesley Snipes – not Blade – Wesley fucking Snipes, shows up and stabs Morbius to death with a wooden stake until his arm cramps up.
All before the opening credits.
Spider-Man would then tell Snipes that he was badass in Demolition Man and the entire audience would nod in approval.


“I really WAS badass in Demolition Man. Thank you, Parker.”

Then they just have to include an awesome Rhino bank-robbery scene where he's scoring cash for Dr. Connors/The Lizard so that he can continue his research, and we've got the foundation for some solid viewing, folks.


(Just imagine this guy tearing up the New York streets. It'd be awesome)


(Just imagine this guy tearing up the New York...er, swamps? Okay, but you get the idea)

Oh, and they REALLY need to introduce Felicia Hardy/Black Cat soon.
She's an amazing character that needs to take the place of Dunst's stale Mary Jane who, unfortunately, is returning.


(Somebody please phone Scarlett Johansson)

SUPERNATURAL

I finally caught up on my Supernatural viewing.
...Basically.
I just have to watch Season 4 now.
I had only seen the first season and I was stuck on that damn cliffhanger ending for what seemed like an eternity. However, I have travelled further down the road alongside the Brothers Winchester now and what a fine journey it has been.
...Even though I have ANOTHER cliffhanger to deal with.
Awesome.

No harm, though. I can wait. A tale this good is more than worthy and most definitely warrants my patience.
I have been thoroughly impressed, thus far.
I thought the first season was damn good, but the following adventures just continue to add more and more depth to this escalating war between evil, demonic hell-spawn and two good brothers who like shotguns and drive a pimp Impala that is so mind-numbing in its awesomeness that I would not be surprised if the final episode of this entire series revealed that the unholy denizens of Hell actually just wanted Dean's sweet ride.
Just look at this thing. Understandable, no?


(Give me this car, and I'll ass-slap Lucifer myself)


The show has also noticeably increased its violence levels and intensity; which is more than welcome. The brothers go up against a buffet of nightmarish entities that do some pretty unsavoury things to people all in the name of fun and mayhem. The brothers therefore must unload double-barrels of salty justice to return the favour.
Dad would be proud.
I don't want to see Sam and Dean teach a 'confused' ghost the error of its haunting ways by way of a stern lecture and maybe a comforting hug.
Fuck that noise.


(He probably just ate the skin off someone's grandmother. Prick)

The unyielding approach to violence, the quality of the writing and the EXCELLENT performances by both Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles has also thrown some refreshing illumination upon the dark, rotten and undoubtedly haunted house that represents the current state of horror films these days. I enjoyed myself more with one season of this show than with every horror film I've seen in the past year combined.
Sad but true.

I have to give praise to Ackles again, yo. This guy is just badass. If they ever get around to making a TV show based on The Walking Dead comic http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Walking_Dead , then Ackles would make a solid Rick Grimes.


(This series is epic. Start reading it, y'all)

There is one other factor that has made Supernatural worthy of my undivided attention.
Her name is Ruby.

(Give me this girl, and I'll ass-slap Lucifer myself)

What can I say? I'm a sucker for blonde, knife-wielding hotties who have a healthy dose of sass and demonic lineage.

TWILIGHT

Well, well, well.
I finally saw Twilight, folks.
Let's get straight into it and look at the good and the bad, shall we?
(NOTE: I haven't read the books and I do not intend to. I've never been a fan of the whole 'romantic vampires' nonsense. I'm not into vampires that see humans as potential dates instead of buffets.)

THE GOOD:
- The locations and the weather. What a cool town. I love the whole gloomy overcast vibe. Nice and atmospheric. That's my kind of place. I mean, besides all of the vampires. ...Actually, screw that. Who cares about these so-called 'vampires'. These guys are an insular little tribe of blow-dried pansies. Get the Frog Brothers round for the weekend and we could wreck every one of these clowns before you could say “Watch me stab this Next Top Model in the scrotum.”
(Oh, and if y'all don't get that Frog Brothers reference, then you're probably reading the wrong blog)


“What do you mean they fucking sparkle?”

- At one point a friendly Asian guy tries to impress Bella through the ancient courtship practice of presenting a large earthworm to her on a stick as he cackles with glee.
Bella is unimpressed.
I dunno, man; chicks these days.

- Alice Cullen is hot. Edward would be better off ignoring Bella and simply go about adding 'cursed family incest' to his growing resume of unsavoury extra-curricular activities which currently includes breaking and entering, blood drinking and...uh, reckless driving.


(She rips the head off an 'evil' vampire. Awww, cute)

- I quite liked the way that Edward describes himself as being the prefect predator and how he is 'designed to kill'. He mentions his looks and his scent and how they're designed to be inviting and draw the prey in. It's an interesting angle on the predator & prey dynamic that I had not seen before.
Unfortunately, here it's just a fragment of one little scene, whereas that kind of treatment of vampire biology could potentially lay the groundwork for a really solid film.
But hey, why strive to make a quality film when they can just scribble out some damp, flimsy high-school tale about pretty people complaining about their, like, totally super-important love problems, right?

- Bella's dad was sitting there cleaning his double-barrel shotgun while getting drunk. Indeed.
It's almost like he was just WAITING to hear his ripe teen daughter utter the sentence, “Daddy, my boyfriend is a vampire. Can I have some money?”
Then Papa Swan could let his trigger do the parenting and there's nothing like booze to lubricate the tongue before speaking the phrase, “I was just protecting my family, Officer”.
Crafty bastard. The Van Helsing family would be proud.

THE BAD:
- The music is horrible. I'm not hacking on the soundtrack or anything, I'm talkin' bout the score, Willis. Bella nearly gets crushed by a vehicle before Broody McSuck rescues her. Ooooooh, can you taste the tension as the pair's eyes meet and this revelation changes everything? Wow. Tension. ...Perfect time to drop in some horribly out of place teen rock vibe in the background. Nonsense. Oh, and special mention must be made of the rising music during Eddie's introduction. It's basically saying, “Hey, morons in the audience, this guy is important. Take notes.”
Now don't blame me for the 'moronic audience' comment. Like what you wanna like, folks. I'm not insulting you. Hell, I don't need to.
This film insults it's audience more than I ever could.

- Could this movie be any more heavy-handed? I was waiting for subtitles to pop up on screen or maybe a karaoke-style bouncy ball that hops along at the bottom of the screen and says stuff like “You...Should...FEEL...(EMOTION).................NOW!”
It treated the audience like they were the dumbest collection of over-medicated, mind-crippled apes to ever accidentally stumble into a cinema (or lounge room).
They have whole scenes involving vampire lore, history and a god damned avalanche of hints...and then trusty ol' Detective Bella will confidently drop a priceless line like, “Edward is a vampire.”
...Wow. Thanks for that. All this time, I thought he was a fucking Gremlin.
Don't get him wet, dumbass.


(Possibly Edward Cullen)

- A sparkling vampire is one of the dumbest things I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing.
Didn't the writer of this book have ANY honest friends? Surely someone would've had the balls to say, “They sparkle? Really? ...I suppose they eat rainbows too? Next they'll be playing tennis together. ...What? Baseball? ...I hate you. Don't ever call me again."

- Bella surely must be dead. With the exception of her near orgasm face during her first biology class with Eddie-C, she basically shows zero signs of life throughout the films duration. What's that, Ed? You say you can't read Bella's mind? Yeah, that's cause she's brain-dead. Only white noise on that channel, yo.
There has to be a prequel coming soon that shows how she was bitten by a zombie and turned into a walking corpse.
In fact, I would totally go and see that, yo. Some saucy, zombie dame falls in love with some pretty-ass vampire gent and they hunt humans, eat flesh, drink blood, have freaky, limber undead sex and fight a legion of poetry-quoting, cannibal monks known as La Fraternite d'Os.
That's a date movie right there, folks.

- The vampires don't have fangs. Pathetic.


(Fangs AND boobs on display = Double points, sweetheart)

- I never want to see a vampire run like these twits ever again. The effects on display here would be put to shame by children's shadow-puppetry. No wait; y'know the puppets in Team America? You remember how they kind of float and bounce along to make them 'walk'? Yeah, well those puppets have a better sense of weight and are more convincing than the half-assed, bizarre, hover-mode that these vampy-wampys go into when running is required. And just wait till you see them leap amongst the trees. Hilarious. It's worse than watching Robin Williams bob along through the air in Hook.
...Hmmm, actually, Peter Pan was a boy who never grew old, had no shadow and was involved in all kinds of weird shit that would cause normal parents to raise an eyebrow.
I should write a Peter Pan flick where he's a vampire that feeds upon Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
Captain Hook could be a vampire hunter hired by Wendy's parents. He just has a disfigured left hand that never properly developed during birth, lending it a hook-like appearance. This imperfection is why, as a boy, his family was killed by vampires but he was spared. They saw his hand as a sign of imperfection and they only drink of pure blood.
There's potential there.


"Oh Peter, are you hungry?"

STATE OF PLAY (2009)

I just saw State Of Play http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0473705/
It's one of those movies that is fundamentally a good film, but it just isn't sticky enough to cling to the walls of your memory for too long.
I mean, don't get me wrong; I enjoyed watching it, but it just won't be getting a comfortable, well-furnished piece of real-estate on my DVD shelf when it comes out, if you catch my drift.
While there is nothing “bad” about this film it simply did not have any moments where it slapped me across the face and told me who's the boss, y'know?

(Not this time, Danza)

Russell Crowe was great as usual. He constantly delivers and he's just one of those actors that starts to feel like an old friend who you always enjoy reuniting with on-screen. He's like a guy who's always got good stories and tells them well.
Rachel McAdams also brings her refreshing, 'best-girlfriend-ever' charm to the proceedings. While her role does not require her to do much heavy-lifting or reinvent the wheel as such; she fills the character's shoes well and looks comfortable walking in them alongside a veteran like Crowe.

(This dame is front page news, yo)

I have to throw praise upon Affleck as well; especially considering another review I had read mentioned that he was the weak link, so to speak.
Utter nonsense.
Affleck is an easy target for many people I feel, and it's unfair. The guy is underrated. I just think it's a case of putting him in the right movie. Sure, he's had his low points film-wise; but the guy hits WAY more than he misses. (Check out Good Will Hunting, of course, plus Chasing Amy http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118842/ and Changing Lanes http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0264472/ )
Just watch the way his character deals with some awful news in the middle of an important political hearing. His professional mask starts to crack and that small moment of weakness conveys more than a whole page of dialogue could. Affleck more than holds his own in this picture and a few of his scenes actually allow him more flair and room to stretch than some of Crowe's.
My crystal ball is in the shop at the moment, so I cannot comment about the “What If?” scenario and film that could have resulted had original stars Brad Pitt and Edward Norton remained on the project. All I can say is that you take the current players and then throw in Helen Mirren as a deadline-conscious editor under pressure, Robin Wright Penn, Jason Bateman and the always reliable Jeff Daniels and you've got no weak links in this cast, yo.
I've got no drama with Kevin Macdonald either. He directed The Last King Of Scotland http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455590/ which was an excellent piece of viewing and his involvement was one of the this film's attractions for me.

So maybe it's because I'm not Johnny Politics or maybe I should check out the original BBC miniseries, but this flick is not one that's going to stay with me long after the drive home.
A solid story was told and I had a good time along the way in the company of those involved, but I never felt that 'cinematic tingle' that let's me know when I'm watching something destined to be a classic.
But hey, that's just me.
Give it a play. It might tingle you.