TWILIGHT

Well, well, well.
I finally saw Twilight, folks.
Let's get straight into it and look at the good and the bad, shall we?
(NOTE: I haven't read the books and I do not intend to. I've never been a fan of the whole 'romantic vampires' nonsense. I'm not into vampires that see humans as potential dates instead of buffets.)

THE GOOD:
- The locations and the weather. What a cool town. I love the whole gloomy overcast vibe. Nice and atmospheric. That's my kind of place. I mean, besides all of the vampires. ...Actually, screw that. Who cares about these so-called 'vampires'. These guys are an insular little tribe of blow-dried pansies. Get the Frog Brothers round for the weekend and we could wreck every one of these clowns before you could say “Watch me stab this Next Top Model in the scrotum.”
(Oh, and if y'all don't get that Frog Brothers reference, then you're probably reading the wrong blog)


“What do you mean they fucking sparkle?”

- At one point a friendly Asian guy tries to impress Bella through the ancient courtship practice of presenting a large earthworm to her on a stick as he cackles with glee.
Bella is unimpressed.
I dunno, man; chicks these days.

- Alice Cullen is hot. Edward would be better off ignoring Bella and simply go about adding 'cursed family incest' to his growing resume of unsavoury extra-curricular activities which currently includes breaking and entering, blood drinking and...uh, reckless driving.


(She rips the head off an 'evil' vampire. Awww, cute)

- I quite liked the way that Edward describes himself as being the prefect predator and how he is 'designed to kill'. He mentions his looks and his scent and how they're designed to be inviting and draw the prey in. It's an interesting angle on the predator & prey dynamic that I had not seen before.
Unfortunately, here it's just a fragment of one little scene, whereas that kind of treatment of vampire biology could potentially lay the groundwork for a really solid film.
But hey, why strive to make a quality film when they can just scribble out some damp, flimsy high-school tale about pretty people complaining about their, like, totally super-important love problems, right?

- Bella's dad was sitting there cleaning his double-barrel shotgun while getting drunk. Indeed.
It's almost like he was just WAITING to hear his ripe teen daughter utter the sentence, “Daddy, my boyfriend is a vampire. Can I have some money?”
Then Papa Swan could let his trigger do the parenting and there's nothing like booze to lubricate the tongue before speaking the phrase, “I was just protecting my family, Officer”.
Crafty bastard. The Van Helsing family would be proud.

THE BAD:
- The music is horrible. I'm not hacking on the soundtrack or anything, I'm talkin' bout the score, Willis. Bella nearly gets crushed by a vehicle before Broody McSuck rescues her. Ooooooh, can you taste the tension as the pair's eyes meet and this revelation changes everything? Wow. Tension. ...Perfect time to drop in some horribly out of place teen rock vibe in the background. Nonsense. Oh, and special mention must be made of the rising music during Eddie's introduction. It's basically saying, “Hey, morons in the audience, this guy is important. Take notes.”
Now don't blame me for the 'moronic audience' comment. Like what you wanna like, folks. I'm not insulting you. Hell, I don't need to.
This film insults it's audience more than I ever could.

- Could this movie be any more heavy-handed? I was waiting for subtitles to pop up on screen or maybe a karaoke-style bouncy ball that hops along at the bottom of the screen and says stuff like “You...Should...FEEL...(EMOTION).................NOW!”
It treated the audience like they were the dumbest collection of over-medicated, mind-crippled apes to ever accidentally stumble into a cinema (or lounge room).
They have whole scenes involving vampire lore, history and a god damned avalanche of hints...and then trusty ol' Detective Bella will confidently drop a priceless line like, “Edward is a vampire.”
...Wow. Thanks for that. All this time, I thought he was a fucking Gremlin.
Don't get him wet, dumbass.


(Possibly Edward Cullen)

- A sparkling vampire is one of the dumbest things I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing.
Didn't the writer of this book have ANY honest friends? Surely someone would've had the balls to say, “They sparkle? Really? ...I suppose they eat rainbows too? Next they'll be playing tennis together. ...What? Baseball? ...I hate you. Don't ever call me again."

- Bella surely must be dead. With the exception of her near orgasm face during her first biology class with Eddie-C, she basically shows zero signs of life throughout the films duration. What's that, Ed? You say you can't read Bella's mind? Yeah, that's cause she's brain-dead. Only white noise on that channel, yo.
There has to be a prequel coming soon that shows how she was bitten by a zombie and turned into a walking corpse.
In fact, I would totally go and see that, yo. Some saucy, zombie dame falls in love with some pretty-ass vampire gent and they hunt humans, eat flesh, drink blood, have freaky, limber undead sex and fight a legion of poetry-quoting, cannibal monks known as La Fraternite d'Os.
That's a date movie right there, folks.

- The vampires don't have fangs. Pathetic.


(Fangs AND boobs on display = Double points, sweetheart)

- I never want to see a vampire run like these twits ever again. The effects on display here would be put to shame by children's shadow-puppetry. No wait; y'know the puppets in Team America? You remember how they kind of float and bounce along to make them 'walk'? Yeah, well those puppets have a better sense of weight and are more convincing than the half-assed, bizarre, hover-mode that these vampy-wampys go into when running is required. And just wait till you see them leap amongst the trees. Hilarious. It's worse than watching Robin Williams bob along through the air in Hook.
...Hmmm, actually, Peter Pan was a boy who never grew old, had no shadow and was involved in all kinds of weird shit that would cause normal parents to raise an eyebrow.
I should write a Peter Pan flick where he's a vampire that feeds upon Wendy Moira Angela Darling.
Captain Hook could be a vampire hunter hired by Wendy's parents. He just has a disfigured left hand that never properly developed during birth, lending it a hook-like appearance. This imperfection is why, as a boy, his family was killed by vampires but he was spared. They saw his hand as a sign of imperfection and they only drink of pure blood.
There's potential there.


"Oh Peter, are you hungry?"