TERMINATOR SALVATION

You know how when there's nothing decent at the video store so you just rent some sexy thriller from the Weekly section and then hungrily skip chapters or fast forward until you reach the scenes where the hot dame gets her jugs out for the private detective, bounty hunter, security guard...or all of the above?


(This is not what I meant by 'sexy thriller')

Well, that basic process is exactly why I suggest y'all wait for DVD to watch Terminator Salvation. Then you can comfortably skip along through this nonsense and get to the good parts.
Except instead of hunting for scenes of oiled-up booby action, you will be keeping your eyes peeled for any of the scenes where Christian Bale is absent.
(After that, you could then skip through The Dark Knight as well, cause Bale ruined that horribly overrated flick too. The Joker and Two-Face were the only reasons to even press PLAY, y'all. Face it. I speak the truth.)
Speaking of overrated things that like to grumble, complain and yell; let's give special mention to Christian Bale shall we?
In fact, let's break it down into a simple mathematical equation that would please Miles Bennett Dyson:

(Terminator Salvation) – (Christian Bale) = (Decent Sci-Fi Flick)

I'm not saying that The Bale is the only problem with this movie, but let me just say that his John Connor is the most noticeable piece of trash that sits the highest; rotting in the sun, upon this towering mass of expensive, wasteful garbage.
Put on your gloves, folks, for we're about to pick through the debris...

HOPE FOR THE FUTURE:
- Sam Worthington is awesome. It is fitting that this instalment of the Terminator franchise is dubbed 'Salvation', as Worthington's character Marcus, does his best to save this weak, unnecessary picture.
He generally succeeds in this task too, as the scenes involving Marcus are the only ones worth watching and the only scenes in which you're not more concerned with your popcorn. From lunging off an exploding bridge at a flying HK while brandishing an axe to escaping a mined compound, Marcus gets the best action scenes (and the best scenes in general) throughout the movie.
This is Marcus' film, not Connor's. End of story.


"I agree. This IS my film. ...The girl too."

Worthington displays the right blend of badass toughness, confused loneliness, a sprinkle of humour and a riveting screen presence that adds up to create a performance that absolutely blows Bale off the screen...and I expected as much. I have been praising this guy since I first saw him in Dirty Deeds http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0280605/ back in 2002.
Whenever I'd mention him to people over the years they'd usually respond with, “Who?”
Now they can at least respond with, “Who? Oh, the guy who was the only good thing in Terminator Salvation?”
The plus side is that this film will raise his profile, so that audiences can be better prepared for the carnival of awesome that will be James Cameron's AVATAR http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0499549/ where Worthington is apparently in EVERY scene.
Nice.

- T-600 model Terminators are badass. They're like big, stumbling drunk stepfathers that stagger in on Xmas eve and open fire on the dog, the tree and the eggnog bowl with a high-calibre mini gun before cursing their boss, soiling themselves and collapsing into the pile of presents. They should have had a bunch of these things just aimlessly wandering in and out of the film as comic relief. You'd see one staggering around in the background of a really dramatic scene and it'd just happily go about its business of shooting at rocks and wildlife with reckless abandon until it either clumsily tripped and toppled over giggling...or Christian Bale yelled at it for being in the shot.
It would probably just cry and shut down its circuits until the big, bad, loud human left and it could resume it's happy adventure of plodding along with a joyful stride, a spinning chain-gun of death and whistling a happy tune.

- Kyle Reese was pretty decent.
When I heard Anton Yelchin was going to play Reese, I was indifferent.
Then, after I had seen Yelchin's performance in the new Star Trek, I felt like stabbing myself in the armpit with a corkscrew.
Luckily, Yelchin brought his A-game to his Reese performance. At first, I felt like he was just playing some young guy who just happened to be named Reese to please the fans, but then as the film went on, I could really believe that this kid would grow up to be the badass Kyle Reese that Michael Biehn created on the screen so memorably. Young Reese's speech about survival to other prisoners was particularly effective and contained a strong Biehn vibe, in my opinion.
Well done, Yelchin. You did the character proud.

- The T-800 and Arnold's 'cameo', so to speak, were kind of cool. Sure, the CG looked a little off with his face, but I figured that it's supposed to be a robot wearing skin...NOT a human, so I was okay with this minor hiccup.
No harm – No foul.

HUMANS ARE DOOMED:
- At one point, John Connor hot-wires a motorbike robot thing while playing 'You Could Be Mine' by Guns N Roses on his still-functioning 90's boom-box and reminding us all that Edward Furlong gave a superior performance in Terminator 2 when he wasn't even an actor and that we should all be watching that awesome film instead of this crap.
After the hasty, and surprisingly simple hacking of the aforementioned 2-wheeled death-machine, John then proceeds to ride the robot – NOT BIKE, kids; ROBOT – along the highway like freakin' Peter Fonda.
Hey John, ...uh, where's the seat and the handlebars? Because Skynet would not have catered to human comfort, controls or transportation when designing this sleek, efficient, highway-patrolling death-bike created solely for the purpose of KILLING HUMANS. If you're going to give me that whole riding scene, then you damn well better give me an ensuing comedy montage sequence where Connor constantly falls off the bike over and over again at high speed and suffers horrible injuries as the road surface shreds his squishy human flesh...WITH an accompanying score of upbeat banjo music.
Serve up bullshit, you better make sure it's funny bullshit, McG. Just like your name.
Oh, snap.

- Why was one of the T-600s wearing a bandanna?
I hope that there is a deleted scene out there that involves a couple of Skynets design + construction robots engaged in a conversation regarding the T-600's accessories:
Robot 1: “The humans will surely recognise this model.”
Robot 2: “Humans are simple creatures. This looks like a human to me. I fail to see the problem.”
Robot 1: “...It has no skin.”
Robot 2: “Excellent observation. Suggestions? ...A wristwatch, perhaps?”
Robot 1: “I'm thinking more along the lines of headwear.”
Robot 2: “Bandanna?”
Robot 1: “Bandanna.”
(Both robots vibrate in approval)
Robot 2: “We are totally going to get promoted.”

- There is a giant, pissed-off, building-sized, walking robot that stomps across the post-apocalyptic landscape and collects humans like Pokemon.
Fair enough.
Now, I'm no scientist *GASP!* but even I feel confident enough to go out on a limb and boldly hypothesize that such a colossal mechanised abomination would make some kind of sound.
But no.
This towering, metallic nightmare is capable of a stealthy approach that makes one assume its crushing hooves of steel are covered by sound-dampening, fluffy, bunny slippers.
One minute the humans are hanging about in a stylish abandoned gas-station and then, before anyone can say “Thank you, I'd love some of these old vegetables that you've kept in a dirty, unrefrigerated basement.”, the roof is ripped open and Biggy McRobot appears via teleportation or some other equally-silent mode of transportation.


(As whisper-quiet as a harmless household appliance, apparently)

- At one point, John Connor gets attacked by some hydro-bot things that look like big mechanical eels.
In fact, they're reminiscent of the shrieking eels from The Princess Bride. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093779/
The only difference being that The Princess Bride is a kickass movie, while this, on the other hand, is not.
Ol' Johnny Boy soon starts to get quite flustered by these wiggling opponents and I couldn't understand why he didn't just climb out of the WAIST-DEEP water and pick them all off from the safety of the river bank.
C'mon, Bale, at least yell at them.


(These guys could handle evil shrieking eels. John Connor, however, could not)

- Bale is a joke.
Media hype and outburst aside; he brings absolutely nothing to the table here.
Also, there was not a single meaty scene involving Bale and Bryce that could even come close to hoping to justify Bale's outburst. Where is this amazing scene or shot that was in such dire peril of being destroyed by a crew member entering your eye-line and shattering your delicate focus, huh?
Pathetic.
The performance was absolute rubbish and Bale has managed to stain yet another awesome character on the screen.


“Skynet is hunting humans...not BATS! I'm a genius, Mom.”

Edward Furlong is still the best John Connor to date and it is insulting to his work, and the franchise, to think that his John could grow up into the bland, stale jackass that Bale has portrayed here.
Every time a robot caused John pain, I smiled.
Hell, halfway through this film, my buddy and I started cracking jokes and basically holding up sports-supporter flags that said, “GO, SKYNET, GO!”
Now, I'm not gonna waste any more words on Bale and his rant and so forth. Enough has been said and I couldn't care less now. It's just a shame that this is performance is yet another lame roadside attraction on the downward slope of cracked highway that seems to be Bale's career of late.
I actually used to be a MASSIVE Bale fan.
I love American Psycho.
The Machinist is excellent, he more than held his own in The Prestige and I think I'm probably the only person that likes Reign of Fire.
However, when I consider his attitude in relation to his rant and such, plus the fact that his performances have been getting worse instead of better, I have to be honest with myself and admit that he isn't the awesome actor he used to be anymore.
Could he turn it all around? Of course he could, and I would actually welcome that.
But I'm not gonna become a fan again just because that's the trendy thing to do. Just as I am not anti-Bale now simply because it's the flavour of the month.
It's all about decency and facts, yo.
His Batman is terrible, his John Connor is pathetic and if my best friend said stuff like Bale did to that crew member, then I'd even call my friend a dickhead.

Bah. To hell with this film.
If Sarah Connor was here, she'd stab Bale in the knee with a ballpoint pen for this.