MIRRORS (2008)

I finally got around to watching MIRRORS. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0790686/

In the past, I'd placed my ear close to the ground and heard the distant rumblings of others as they stalked across the land and muttered that it wasn't a fantastic film or anything and that I need not saddle my steed and head off to the cinema /video store at full gallop; carelessly trampling pedestrians under-hoof in my determined quest.
However, I did hear comments made about a particular scene.
A scene involving...jaw-breaking.
That was all I needed to hear, y'all.
To paraphrase Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire; you had me at “jaw-breaking”.

Here are some thoughts:

- The aforementioned jaw-breaking scene.
I gotta say; it impressed me. I know my way around a horror movie or two and if your story isn't that strong, then you have to even up the balance with some interesting violence or an ample serving of gratuitous tits.
Simple arithmetic, really.
It may even be one of the Commandments. Something along the lines of “Thou shalt include hearty servings of bangin' jugs in thine horror flick”. Don't quote me on that, of course, as I'm no theology professor or anything. (I dropped out just before graduation to pursue a career in the field of Personal Awesome.)
But I digress; this scene is brutally good. I heavily recommend it.
Watch it alone.
Watch it on a first date with a girl. (Tell her it's a new rom-com starring Amy Smart. The trap will be as good as set)
Watch it with a close chum, simply so you'll be allowed the opportunity to remark, “Holy baked shit! Did you just see that chick's jaw get ripped open? Swell!”
I feel it is my duty to pass on such horror gems to you people. It's just the kind of guy I am. Think of me like...Santa Claus.
But instead of spreading gifts, good-will and countless elfin bastards; I recommend scenes of horrific, ghost-influenced skull trauma.
Compose a mall-worthy carol out of those elements, yo.

- The mysterious plot involving the mirrors and so forth is rather bland and starts to outstay it's welcome. Sam and Dean Winchester would have solved this whole fiasco in one night, with time left over for last call at the bar, a couple o'rounds of hustled pool and Dean to bang some floozies in the Impala while Sam...I dunno, did demonic shit and used his laptop. That would've been better. I love Supernatural.

- This is possibly the only film in existence where you can see the grandma from Dawson's Creek play a nun who explodes after being 'filled'...*ahem*... by too many evil spirits, and then turns into a demonic nun who can scurry across walls.
Pacey never would've been able to deal with that kind of crap AND Joey. High school is already hard enough, kids.

- The mother in this film has a rather impressive rack, which she proudly displays to the audience by defending her home and children from vengeful spirits...while wearing a soaking wet singlet top.
Perhaps such attire offers a tactical advantage? Who knows? As I've mentioned many times in the past and in numerous foreign courts; I'm no priest. Who am I to judge whether or not spectral entities from the afterlife are frightened away by dripping-wet, glistening boobs. That sort of topic is not comprehensively covered in most text books that I've flipped through.
All I can say is that if I was a cursed spirit held captive behind a mirror and I saw those goodies; I sure as shit would try and breach my way into their world. I'd watch them like the newest episode of LOST, yo.
Ghosts still got needs, right?


(Who you gonna call?)

- Kiefer Sutherland wanders around in this film and looks equal parts pissed-off, confused and...not really frightened, but more irritated that someone ruined his day. Jack Bauer should be used to this kind of thing by now. (Isn't Season 5 of 24 about angry ghosts who have a nuke or something? I don't pay attention anymore, frankly.)
But 24 jokes aside; let us take a moment to focus on the cold hard facts; ...Kiefer played a badass vampire in The Lost Boys http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/ so when all of the reflective surfaces in his life started giving him attitude, Kiefer should've just clicked into David mode and screamed “I'm an 80's vampire and don't even have a reflection so eat shit, Spooky Mirror!” before riding off on his dirt bike through Santa Carla and listening to saxophone music by a sweaty, pony-tailed, muscleman.
Besides; the kids these days really love a sassy vampire, so I don't know how this opportunity was missed.


"MIIIIIIIIIIRROOORS!"

- The climax REALLY caught me off guard. Seriously.
Just when you think the dust has settled; the acrobatic demon-nun appears and an action scene begins that is reminiscent of Ash's fight against the pit-witch Deadite from Army of Darkness http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106308/
This unexpected showdown finally culminates in a COMMANDO-flavoured death where the nun gets impaled on a steam pipe a la Bennett. Hell...yes.
I was shocked.
I laughed.
If Matrix was here; he'd laugh too.

- This movie has the most Twilight Zone-y ending ever. I don't know what it is with Alexandre Aja and his 'twist' endings, but they're not really doing it for me. I'm a big fan of the guy, but he needs to leave the twist ending shtick alone.
Unnecessary, yo.

That's about it.
Once again; this film isn't the freshest meat on the counter; but it has some decent moments and besides, say it with me, people; “JAW...BREAKING...SCENE.”


(This is the wrong film.)


Oh yeah, MIRRORS is a remake of the South Korean film, Geoul sokeuro
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0372937/ I haven't seen it but after watching this, I think it'd be worth hunting down.

Enjoy.