DISTRICT 9

District 9 is remarkable.
I shall now do my best and use my honeyed words (and guest star, Charlton Heston) to encourage you to shamble off to the theatre and view such goodness.

“Why the hell should I do that, you filthy blogger, you?”, I hear you bellow from the bowels of the webternet.
Glad you asked.
Voila...

- I've said it once and I'll scream it again; forget all of this HALO nonsense and somebody PLEASE give Neill Blomkamp the chance to make a HALF-LIFE 2 movie.
Hell, even if that doesn't come to pass and I find myself floating into the afterlife disappointed (and later returning to haunt cinemas until a proton-pack stops me); at least I can cling to this wonderful film, for it is the closest we have to a HL2 cinema experience.
...For now.


(See how he waits...)

It does a damn fine job of it too. I nearly jumped up and down on my seat when I saw Wicus blast away enemies with a 'gravity gun' and also wreak absolute havoc in a power suit that reminded me of Dog.
Throw in a crowbar and a barrel o' headcrabs and we've got ourselves a solid weekend, y'all.

- Witness what marvellous feats can be achieved by a director with some talent who actually DESERVES his budget.
Apparently, word round the campfire is that District 9 cost about 30 million bucks.
Transformers 2 apparently cost somewhere in the ballpark of...ahem...200 million dollars.
I feel physically ill.
During my Transformers 2 viewing, I could hear each cell in my body, shrieking in pain as they suffered through that ridiculously expensive nightmare of overblown, finely polished crap.
Why is that the so?
If Neill Blomkamp managed to conjure up pure cinema magic with only 30 mill...then shouldn't 200 million shiny gold coins guarantee us all a film experience so mind-blowing in it's awesomeness that it'd be like witnessing Charlton Heston breakdance against that Martian hooker with 3 tits from Total Recall.
No matter where you'd look, your eyes would fill with excellence.

Unfortunately, that's not the way Hollywood works. They prefer the reliable system that involves providing Michael Bay (and friends) with infinite funds to further prove the fact that he's an untalented schmuck whom I would not trust to supervise the catering table...let alone a massive film budget.

Praise Crom, for people like Peter Jackson, Neill Blomkamp and films like District 9.
Seriously; I would rather watch 15 minutes of D9 than have to endure an entire viewing of some other directors' films of late.
I hope this film serves as a wake up call for certain industry folk out there and makes them understand that they need to WISELY utilise the budgets that they're granted.

- Some folk may wish to speak about social-commentary and political subtext and such, but I'm not a political guy.
I'm not gonna go on and wax intellectual about topics that I know nothing about.
I have no doubt that there's some very meaty parallels and details that could be discussed at length, regarding apartheid and so forth, but that's not my business here.
Some other blogger can play that tune.
Instead, I'll simply mention that there are scenes where soldiers get vaporized into a kind of gooey mist by brutal laser blasts.
That's music we can all dance to, friends.


(Deep social commentary...and LASERS! Brrr-zap! Ka-pwing!)

- Come and watch as humans yet again act like jackasses marinated in asshole sauce and demonstrate how NOT to properly handle alien contact.
You might be able to distance yourself from the narrative a bit...if it wasn't so damn accurate. You just know that this is how humans will act when aliens finally arrive.
They were not hostile...yet they were immediately imprisoned and seen as lesser beings.
Nice welcome.
“They were malnourished.”, the media also informs us.
Really? You flawlessly understand the new alien biology, do you? Impressive deductive journalism, kids. Take notes.
And as usual, it's all about weapons. We could learn VOLUMES of knowledge from this new form of life...but nah. Let's poke them and plunder their armoury.
The best thing about witnessing this stellar example of finely-handled diplomacy is the inevitable moment where our proud species gets ripped to pieces by the valuable knew weaponry...as you happily cheer the aliens on.
Stupid humans.


(Heston wasn't human, he was awesome.)

- Sharlto Copley gives an amazingly natural performance as Wicus, as he transforms from goofy, nervous bureaucrat into an erratic, terrified man who is alone, hunted and horrified by what he may be becoming.
The fingernail scene alone had me convinced that I was not just watching some movie, but rather that this was a real ordeal that I was following along with.
The entire piece is infused with that flavour, actually. Despite the aliens, advanced weaponry and overall science-fiction subject matter, District 9 consistently feels like an account of some real life events that are unfolding on our very planet. After watching it all, I felt like if I checked the news that night, I would receive an update on the current situation. It's that convincing, people.
This high level of immersion is greatly due to the authentic documentary/news report segments that are sprinkled throughout the narrative and a level of CGI work that can only be described by saying, “Holy shit. That's a real alien.”
The visual effects on display are right up there on the top shelf with another sci-fi classic that had photo-realistic aliens worthy of awe and coughed-up popcorn; the great Starship Troopers. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120201/ (Yes, it's about time you watched it again. You're welcome.)
Hopefully; unlike Starship Troopers, District 9 will not get robbed at the Oscars when the time comes. That would be a crime.
12 years on and the arachnids from ST still look amazing.
I dare say that 12 years on from now, these so-called “prawns” from D9 will hold the same level of awe with new viewers.
The power of the effects work is also not just the result of impressive modelling work and the like. Christopher Johnson; the resourceful and reliable alien that acts as co-star alongside Wicus, is a staggering achievement.


(Deserves an Oscar more than Julia Roberts.)

It's performance had my jaw-open for most of the film...and the fact that he's a CG creation, never managed to sink in. Just like the T-Rex vs Gallimimus scene in Jurassic Park proved that Steven Spielberg actually managed to capture, domesticate and screen-train a living T-Rex in Hawaii, Christopher Johnson will prove that aliens freaking exist, yo.
Now I love the Lord Of The Rings movies and Andy Serkis is a pure master...but Christopher is better than Gollum. Case closed.

- See District 9 before they, hopefully, make a District 10.
D9 is reportedly doing great business and the ending leaves more than enough room for a sequel that I eagerly await.
Blomkamp has provided a very solid foundation upon which an excellent franchise could be built.

I give District 9 high praise, ladies and gents...and if Heston was still around, he'd praise it too.


“I stole this gun from an ape NOT an alien. There's a difference.”

There sure is, Mr. Heston. There sure is.