Thursday, August 13, 2009

RANT 01

Isn’t it confusing the way life seems to lead me in any way it so desires. It never even appears to care about my own feelings. It just does as it bloody-well pleases. HAHAHAHA! That’s right. I understand now. It’s all becoming abundantly clear. My god. I cannot believe that it has taken me this long to unravel the multi-faceted microcosm of baffling moments that we affectionately term as ’life’. Interesting. Why; just the other day I was out having a fairly pleasant and uninterrupted ambulatory journey through the center promenade of my picturesque mountain village. Now you see, I had gotten up exceptionally early that brisk morn’, and for good reason. To be honest, it was a combination of factors that led to the disruption of my ill-fated plans regarding sleeping till the later hours. The first factor being that my weak, low-threshold bladder was straining under its sloshing payload. Relief; …relief was what I desired. …That, and the sweet warm embrace of the suns rays coupled with a freshly baked, plump cinnamon roll. Ah, the goodness. One could not find a more simple pleasure than that. …Well, …of course one could obviously seek out a pleasure of equal status or, perhaps, if one truly applied one’s self, they might be fortunate enough to be blessed by the discovery of an even simpler pleasure, which could yield to the happy participant a level of bliss that would be unparalleled by anything we simple mortals possess upon this barren, desolate, inhospitable, husk of a planet we call home. I like it here. It’s a friendly land in which we all co-exist.

…Where the buggery are my slippers? …Do be quick now, as I’m a man of slight patience. …Ah, splendid. I do indeed like it when everything comes together nicely. It coats my fluffy, well-baked soul with a rich, creamy glaze of happiness and joy. …It is a welcome change from my usual untethered feelings of rage and my insatiable thirst for sweet, milky vengeance against all those who have dared oppose me and any of my ingenious; albeit misunderstood, plans regarding overall global improvement. More geckos in positions of power, I say. That’s right. Let those nay-sayers say ‘nay’. …And rightly so, …lest they be drummed out of the ‘negatively-outspoken-folks’’ union like the secretly positive, fraudulent bastards they are. Trap them in small cages made from bamboo and feed them not sweet, creamy baked-goods but rather a questionable assortment of sweaty meats. That will fix them.

…You there! Yes, you. The one staring at me from that ornate picture frame. Fetch me my satchel! Fetch it at once I say! I wish to go adventuring! Time waits for no man! …Except for he who carries a satisfactory bribe in the eyes of the Great Time-Keeper, …and a staunch old bugger he is. I mean honestly; you offer the gent a perfectly good squid-helmet whose previous owner was an old lady who ate concrete, and he laughs in your face! The gall! The absolute bloody audacity! Needless to say, I was quite taken aback! Bastard. I required one minor favor and he wouldn’t oblige a kind gentleman such as myself. I missed a crucial appointment as a result of his blatant disregard for the well being of his fellow man. He will rue the day! … But worry not. I’ll fix him. While he blissfully slumbers in his cot, I shall release leeches into his wife’s nostrils.
The wheels are in motion.
I can hear them creaking.

RIGHT! Now just hold on a bloody minute! What is the meaning of this! …Come on! Out with it! I demand an explanation, …or at least a colorfully festive fabrication of events that blends a humorous mix of truth and fiction into a dizzying cocktail of entertaining deceit that leaves all involved feeling plump and satisfied. …And it must include a leprous princess and not one, but two, fight sequences involving chain-smoking pixies.

…Well? I’ve got all night people! Don’t be foolish enough to assume that I require sleep! I take a special combination of medicinal herbs and I eat a lot of moths; so do not even attempt to outlast the night against me! …Fools! All of you! Weak-minded fools! You all crowd around, staring into me with your accusing eyes. But I can smell your fear. That’s right! FEAR! …But wait, …what’s that? There is something amiss. One of you is not in attendance. …I can smell them …or rather; I notice the absence of their scent, …that distinctive musk. That damp, fetid aroma that makes me yearn for the long-past days when I was able to suppress my gag reflex. However, that is out of my hands now. I ask you; do you know the discomfort one experiences when one’s fresh, warm vomit lies in one’s lap?
Yes? No? Anyone? Use your hands. Don’t be shy.

…Bah, enough of this. Bring him to me. Now. …I demand it! You know of whom I speak! Stop exchanging blank glances like baboons that have just enlisted in the Colonial Army, and bring him forth! You now fully well! He’s the one who apparently runs this madcap excuse for an institution! Yes! HIM! The one with the limp and the wobbly eye! I wish for a word with him! In fact, I’ve got a FEW words! A veritable ‘word-combination-onslaught’, which will swiftly nullify any chance he held of rebuttal. Tidings of woe, I tell you! That is what I hold for him! Grim tidings of pain and suffering are what I have in store for that louse! HE MUST LEARN OF MY WRATH! …HE MUST BE PROPERLY SCHOOLED IN THE ARTS OF TORMENT AND ANGUISH! I have had quite enough, I say!
However, I warn him…along with the rest of you, if I find another pregnant octopus in my breakfast coffee, …there will be DIRE repercussions. Mark my words…

…Now. Let us move along, shall we? Someone fetch me my saliva-flask and a small wedge of ripe cheese. I’m entertaining a lady of culture this evening…


(I don't know if other writers do this, but I find that sometimes you just need to let it all flow out upon the page.It helps get the wheels turning, y'know?I try not to overthink things and just let my mind take hold of the quill and dance off into the night.
This is what usually happens and it seems that I've a habit of sounding like an insane old man, actually. Bizarre.
I wrote this on 21/5/03)

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