Wednesday, June 23, 2010


What an amazing film. When was the last time you watched it?
Has it been a while?
Has that distant memory grown blurry and lost some focus after all those years of being locked away within the vaults of your damp, musty mind?
Wouldn't you like to feel like you watched it just this morning?
What if I told you I could have you bristling with the same excitement that you felt the very first time you saw a mutant with 3 tits get shot in the back by Michael Ironside.
Does that get you jacked up, folks?
Well then; why don't you strap yourself into a Rekall Inc. chair and allow me to pump your mind full of delicious, crisp and fresh new memories of that amazing cinematic gem.
Let's all hop into a Johnny Cab and drive round Mars once more...

- Kuato seems like an open minded guy.
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
Anyway; you just know that having a greasy, psychic, baby-mutant with political aspirations growing out of your stomach has got to dictate what your options are regarding social activities...and this would undoubtedly include the bedroom.
THAT'S why I say he'd need to have an open mind.
Otherwise, the 2-bit mutant hookers he'd hire are gonna demand quite a bit of space-cocaine to be down with the sordid, Krang-flavoured fantasies YOU JUST KNOW he's gagging to try out.
And how does the whole 'stomach-man' ratio work out when he's kissing-and-telling to his fellow freaks?
Is Kuato the kind of guy who sleeps with a chick...and then brags to his mutant buddies that he wrangled himself a sweet threesome?
Do you think he'd play that loophole?
I say yes.
Maybe I'm being prematurely judgemental; but I just don't credit a sweaty, wheezing, chest-infant capable of reading minds and inciting riots with too much gentlemanly class when it comes to bedroom etiquette.
Do you?
If so; fine.
YOU sleep with him then.
But keep this in mind; when the main body is doing the task at hand; Kuato will probably be drooling into your navel.
Good luck scrubbing that mental image from your mind, ladies.

- The opening credits music and score sounds as if the scores from CONAN THE BARBARIAN and TERMINATOR 2 had heaving, muscled, technologically-advanced, time-travelling sex with each other...and somebody recorded those sounds and mixed them into a new score.
Whoa. I don't really need to say much more. That just sounds awesome already.

- Paul Verhoeven just flat-out rules. Class dismissed, ladies and gentlemen.
If you're not loving everything that Verhoeven brings to the screen then I have nothing but pocketfuls of pity for you. TOTAL RECALL, ROBOCOP, STARSHIP TROOPERS; all pure gold, says I.
He seems to have slowed down a bit lately though, and I'd welcome another one of his solid action pieces that has the spine to not water everything down while still managing to maintain a solid story.
High praise to this gent, y'all.

- One of the many great things about this film is that it deals with a fiction that will undoubtedly become a reality. We already live in a world where we can load massive amounts of data on to tiny little data sticks and so it is not that great a leap to imagine a world where some dick in your office could walk up to you after a blurry weekend and inform you that you have, in fact, been implanted with a new identity so that your true identity (an asshole, apparently) could have a wacky getaway in Vegas while he puts it all on the company tab and leaves you wondering why you're being questioned on Monday about missing hookers, property damage and damage to property belonging to missing hookers.
Never mess with a pimp who knows his way around legal matters, folks.
No good can come from that kind of person.
Oh, and what memory will they probably leave you with of your 'implanted weekend'? Probably some glamorous series of events involving you eating take-out, doing some laundry, masturbating alone while a playlist your ex-girlfriend made for you plays through one speaker...and then realizing that you got careless during your self-love and this warrants ANOTHER round of laundry.
Thanks a lot, Steve from Accounting. You're a cock.
One day I'll wipe your memory and implant a memory of me doing a catalogue of obscene acts with your fiancee.
On a loop.

- I absolutely LOVE the way the Sales Manager guy at Rekall Inc. puts his staff in line.
When Quaid freaks out, the lady technician is just responsibly informing her boss of the problem at hand.
And what is Mr. Manager's first response?
“Use your head, you dumb bitch!”
I love that professionalism and respect for co-workers.
This is the future I dream of, people.
They then proceed to wipe Quaid's memory and dump him in the street.
Obviously “The Customer Is Always Right” is no longer a phrase that has the retail industry in a choke hold any longer.
What a future. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.
When I complain that my bacon isn't crispy enough on my BLT, I TOTALLY want to have my mind wiped, be dumped in an alley and then have my friends try to kill me.
That'll teach me to open my mouth about delicious bacon.
I love the future.

- I love this movie.
Just like my love for a fine woman (who also wants to watch TOTAL RECALL. Topless.); I really, really love this movie.
However; I freakin hate the cars. They're hideous. If there's one thing that really under cooks my bacon, it's pathetically designed cars in sci-fi flicks that are supposed to look 'futuristic'.
These vehicles are horrible.
They're down there with the pieces of crap seen in TIMECOP.
Go check them out. Seriously. I'll wait. They're laughable.
...In fact; I'm not gonna wait.
If you're the kind of person willing to go and watch TIMECOP then you've no business here.
Keep walking, guy.
I'm sure you can find a nice, safe blog about THE DARK KNIGHT that's written by a kitten.

- Okay, so remember when Quaid returns home after being jumped by the creepy Danny DeVito-wannabe and his pals? Remember how his wife is using a holographic tennis-coach program?
Yeah? Remember the tennis coach hologram? You with me?
Somebody with some kind of medical knowledge PLEASE tell me what fucking gender that creature is.
It's not a man.
It's not a woman.
It's like some bizarre, terrifying, tennis-playing mutant with a disturbing hairstyle and a comfortable forehand.
Tennis tips be damned. I want nothing that comes from that unholy genetic anomaly.
I have always fucking hated tennis.
Now I understand why.
Freaks like this must haunt Wimbledon like lost souls.

- Yuck. I need to cleanse that freaky residue from my mind.
Let's move on to Sharon Stone as Quaid's wife.
She looks amazing.
She's all sweaty while wearing that bangin' leotard and that's enough to make this movie at least worth pausing on as you late-night channel flip in search of flesh.
But then Stone decides to up the ante and get more blood-flowing by engaging in some high-kicking martial arts followed by a knife fight which eventually leads to her panting, sweating and pleading to be tied up for some kinky sex.
When will more chicks learn that a knife fight DOES count as foreplay?
Have I mentioned I love the future?

- When Quaid realizes his bitch of a wife is setting him up, he acts all calm and says, “Clever girl” when he sees she's been stalling. Now, I would love it if the tech team at Rekall got bored one post-lunch Thursday and decided to load up Quaid's skull with some selected scenes from JURASSIC PARK.
So instead of Quaid barely escaping the room before Richter arrives...he's actually attacked by a coordinated pack of velociraptors.
If only Muldoon was around to...well, also get killed, basically.
Too bad. He wore a memorable hat.
Actually, that's a new style of cinema that I'd TOTALLY be into.
Let us see the dawn of Movie Mash-Ups, people. You heard it here first.
Imagine if they used some advanced CGI to release a new cut of PREDATOR where all of Dutch's team is efficiently killed Sully from COMMANDO.
Or if they released an updated version of THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION where Andy finally escapes, then Red meets up with him again in Zihuatanejo...accompanied by Sully from COMMANDO.
What a golden era of cinema that would be, people.

- Okay, have you all got TOTAL RECALL loaded in your players?
Excellent. Watch it again and pay close attention.
Just after Quaid smashes through the security X-Ray wall, he rushes down a flight of stairs and bumps into a guy at the bottom wearing a yellow shirt and green vest.
This poor guy does the BEST yell ever as Arnold's bulky frame slams into him.
The impact causes this gentlemen to unleash a remarkable noise that sounds like his ribs broke, he's angry AND he's vomitting.
At the same time.
I wish that sound was my ringtone.

- The brutality in this film is amazing. Now I'm not some savage who just ADORES violence and giggles and applauds during moments of on-screen butchery.
However; I do believe that it is one of the colours available to an artist and in order to achieve certain story goals, one must never handcuff ones self and shy away from violence.
People fall in love in real life.
People get killed in real life.
Plain as black and white.
Why should one get easier cinematic treatment just because it's more digestable in reality?
If someone gets killed; I don't want it sugar-coated and watered-down. Because I know that if I saw that happen in real life...nobody is going to censor it for me. It's GOING to be traumatic. Case closed.
Hmmm, getting a little heavy here. Okay. Let's move onward.
My main thrust of this topic is that, as I mentioned earlier; I love that Verhoeven has balls, basically. The human shield scene, the nose breaking, the arm ripping, the henchman stepping on a freshly fallen corpse; it all adds up and lends the film a shocking and unforgiving flavour that pins you to the seat and makes you say, “Holy shit. That guy just got his arms ripped off.”
Tell me honestly; when was the last time you said “Holy shit. That guy just got his arms ripped off.” while watching a current film at the cinema?
Doesn't happen.
Because 90% of action films these days have been neutered to the point where they're basically just a sequence of explosions filmed like a shitty R&B music video.
Now, I should bring this all out of the shadows and sprinkle a bit of levity around the place.
You want a good time? Listen to the audio commentary and marvel as Arnold laughs his ass off while all of this violence takes place.
What a thigh-slapper.
I love Schwarzenegger.
Now, I'm not mocking here. Just listen to the what the guy says all through his career. He understands that violence is merely an ingredient that one uses in order to cook a certain cinematic recipe.
If it's necessary and you leave it out just to please the masses...then your dish is going to fail.

- They mention The Galleria again.
So that's COMMANDO, TERMINATOR 2 and now this.
If I find it mentioned in something like CONAN I'm gonna see my therapist.

- This film has some pretty out-there concepts.
Cyborg cab-drivers? Fine.
Explosive-headed decoy lady-masks? Fair enough.
Michael Ironside hooking up with Sharon Stone? I can dig it.
But the only thing that I DO NOT the completely perfect, form-fitting Towel Helmet ™ that Quaid whips up in the bathroom in order to muffle his tracking signal.
Seriously. Look at it closely.
It's perfect.
Perfectly bullshit.
I hear in Japan that he's wearing the helmet on the TOTAL RECALL poster and the movie is actually called TOWEL ROBOT MYSTERY!
(Don't fact-check that. Just trust me.)

- Johnny Cabs.
What terrifying chauffeurs of doom they are.
Is it a malfunction, or is it the cab company's standard operating procedure against fare-evasion to murder passengers via vehicular manslaughter and fiery explosions?
The future is harsh, yo.
The best thing about it all is that Arnold agrees with me. During the commentary he comments on the exact same thing and then cracks up with laughter. What a legend.
I wish Schwarzenegger would adopt me. Oh, the laughs we'd have...

- The hologram watch-decoy thing that Quaid uses to annihilate a squad of soldiers is pure awesome. An excellent concept that is employed very well in the narrative and the effects stand up well even by today's standards. (Just like the whole film, basically)
Personally though; I would've liked it if he could customize the hologram image.
Cause I always wanted him to project that terrifying, gender-nightmare, tennis freak in front of the troops and watch them howl in fright before turning their guns on themselves in order to escape this horror into the blissfully safe embrace of death.
I seriously hate that tennis coach.

- Do you remember the bug-removal sequence being good? Yeah, that was back then. Watch it now...and it's STILL FREAKING AMAZING.
Rob Bottin is a god. Game over.
My buddy Vince and I used to always sit there watching THE THING back in high school and we'd actually TRY to spot flaws in his FX work.
There are none.
The man is an absolute wizard and he displays his magic here just as well as he did on THE THING. I cannot praise him enough.

- “Get your ass to Mars.” is such an amazingly versatile quote.
I use it often in my day-to-day life and it ALWAYS fits perfectly, regardless of situation.
If I ever get married, I want my bride to say that to me instead of “I do.
Using the accent.

- The tracking locator thingy that Richter's henchman buddy has is crap.
You remember the guy? He looks like a high-school science teacher crossed with a pedophile.
Anyway; take a close look at his tracking device and also the screen display.
It's a piece of shit. It looks like a Wii game.
If someone handed it to you; you'd tell them to eat your ass.
I hear that they originally wanted Richter to carry it, but Michael Ironside is so hardcore that he just stared them down and told them to give it to the guy who looks like a pervert.
The locator device was never mentioned to Ironside again.

- There's a pretty big plot jump just before Quaid arrives in the Explosion Lady disguise.
I understand, and agree, that it should be a surprise reveal...but they never even solidly foreshadow it. You can briefly see some stuff in the briefcase he receives but it's TOTALLY underplayed. I've always felt that there was maybe a deleted scene where Quaid at least feels the fabric or examines the dress (without revealing it is a dress).
I'm not complaining; I just always felt like it was a pretty large leap in the narrative.
It's still an awesome reveal, though.
Imagine if you were on a date and totally making out with a chick just before she starts babbling about “2 weeks” and then her heads snaps open to reveal a large angry man.
That'd ruin your week, I'm guessing.
Would you agree to see her/him again if he wore the 'she' mask?
Dating is tricky, folks. I'm here to help.

- Benny; the traitorous mutant cab-driver, totally laughs like the laughs heard in 'The Message' by Grandmaster Flash.

- Maybe you weren't counting last time; but Quaid's wife hits him in the nuts 3 times.
Too far, honey.
He eventually gets a sweet refund when he quips “Consider that a divorce.” after shooting her in the head.
That's all good and well, Quaid, but we also feel that you would've been justified in simply saying “You hit me in the nuts 3 times.”

That's that for now.
It was a nice trip down memory lane.
After that mental vacation together, I feel that I've grown closer to you all.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret.
It has always been a fantasy of mine to get a lap dance from a beautiful woman while I sit in one of those awesome, hi-tech, memory chairs from Rekall Inc.

Gentlemen of the jury; raise your hands. You agree.
You all KNOW that's an awesome dream.

If only we could implant it.

Bah. Screw it.
I'm gonna go build my own Rekall chair...

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