TONY HAWK: RIDE

Sigh.
You wanna know why I don't play sport video games like soccer, basketball and the like?
Because if I really apply myself, I know that I could wrangle up a tribe of sweaty, like-minded oafs and engage in a campaign of vicious sportsmanship, peppered by ass-slapping and reaching an inevitable climax of group showering.
While that is FAR from my idea of good times; that leisure option is open to me. I can knock on that door, if I so choose. Therefore, I do not require, nor enjoy, games that are virtual representations of such.
If I wanted to go and become a decent skater...I COULD, goddamnit. Sure, there may be some falls, breaks and sprains but it looks like those hazards are now being brought into the 'safety' of one's own living room. Now you can lose your balance at home and come crashing earthward; striking your temple against the ornate corner of a mahogany coffee-table and bleeding into unconsciousness upon your stepdad's now-soaking imported carpet.
Won't "Dad" feel giddy when he stumbles home with a head full of whiskey and bad stock choices to discover he has a legitimate reason to beat you tonight.
20 bucks says he'll use his ring hand.

Which brings me to the subject at hand, or rather, beneath our soon-to-be-kickflipping feet; the new skateboard peripheral. http://www.engadget.com/2009/05/15/tony-hawks-new-ride-game-includes-motion-sensing-skateboard-c/
This thing is just ridiculous.
I put this skateboard 'thing' in the same category as the fishing rod peripheral that came out for the Dreamcast. Pure nonsense.

There's a big, juicy reason why people LOVE playing games where they can do activities such as the following:
- Shoot zombies
- Slay lizard-men
- Save the world from zombie-lizard men
- Explore dwarven mines...possibly infested by lizard-men.
- Stack colourful arrangements of blocks that descend from the heavens. (Studies have been unable to prove the blocks in Tetris are NOT thrown down by zombies and/or lizard-men.)

What is that reason, I hear you shriek? BECAUSE THAT KIND OF SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN IN MY SUBURB.
Sure, it'd be a hoot to go out and collect the morning paper and be forced to contend with cursed packs of dark minions; cutting them down with your enchanted '+13 Goodness Blade' and filling your trusty sack so it almost overflows with blinding loot.
...But that just ain't on the cards, folks.
Real-estate agents tend to leave those bullet points off the brochure. They tend to avoid situations where questions may be asked like, "Is chainmail required? Will our kids fall prey to fucking Shadow-Dragons?"

And that is one of the main reasons why people love to get their game on. They want to ESCAPE from the numb, flavourless existence that reality serves up day after day.
Now, don't get me wrong. If you are into REAL sports and you also like sport video games; awesome. Go nuts. Have a Gatorade on me, Lance.
But if you are a decent skater in real life, which path are you going to choose?
1. To hop around on a piece of plastic sans wheels or trucks and HOPE it can translate you skills into the game. (In a genre where SKATE has succeeded with just thumbsticks)
OR
2. To actually go out and physically skate, get a sense of momentum and properly pull off satisfying tricks and lines. ...Then go home and make out with your hot, skater-chick girlfriend.

I know which way I'd ride.

Pity I'm a crap skateboarder. Drat.